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| Blogs > hotdreamer1000 > While I was Dreaming |
A Wreck
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A Wreck I have become a blubbering wreck who can't function anymore. (Paraphrasing someone elses words but it is how I feel. ) I poured the whole of me into my blog. Showed the over-emotional side of me, tourtured with unresolved pain and regrets. The deeply sexual and loving side of me, the fun side, even bits of the dark side. And she saw what I wrote and she understood me. She wrote that when she first read my words she felt "I like the way this man's mind works and I want to know him better." It was as if you, reading this, were to think to yourself, "I know many women would think this is the ridiculous outpouring of a self-absorbed middle-aged emotional wreck, but I get this. I love him for it, and I want to know more." And so I let her know me, showed her my thoughts, and she soaked them up, understanding the whole of me in a way no one has ever understood me in my life before. She revelled in the fact that I didn't want to change her, that I accepted her exactly as she was. She took my pain and helped me forget it, showed me I could feel a new passion for her, one I had barely known was still in me. We shared our deepest secrets and desires, and when we talked we described to each other the feeling of our lips touching, the rush of heat between our bodies, the intensity we knew we could create. Although we were scared , we longed to make it real. Now she does not. Now I would go to her she won't have me. Her feelings have changed. But mainly because she chose to make them change and because it had grown into something she did't want and now perhaps because she has managed to make them fade away - I will probably never know exactly how. She is no longer even curious to discover the real taste of my lips or the touch of my fingers to her. There is no hope left. I can't work, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't love. I am expected to "move on," and to accept her friendship. I simply want to crawl under a rock and die. I know my life should be my own, not valid only when referenced to another's love. But I don't know how to be that person anymore. I am not sure I want to be. I am proud to be able to feel the way I do. I am proud that I cannot sink into the self-protectionist anger so many people would use to help them get past this. I can not hate her for letting me down. But she knew me, she should have known what this would be like for me. |
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Sorry, I was passing by and... saw this creature saying... "I simply want to crawl under a rock and die" ... so this is how it feels  just be your new person... perhaps you can understand what she means by friendship... with women... one really doesn't know... "there just so many things" Don't let your inspiration run dry... Best wishes, Marcia.
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Thanks for being here. I don't bottle up my feelings, (that's pretty obvious, lol ) but I can't hate her - I love her. I am a little bit angry with her for letting me lay my whole world out for her and then being too frightened to let herself keep feeling the way she began to feel, but I can't be too angry with her - she is just doing all she knows how to. There is so much more to my story. I have debated long and hard about putting the whole thing on open blog - so few people will understand, but I think it may be the only way for me to keep going now. I can't bear to be here, where she was but now is not, most of my blogs were written for her to read. But this is the only place where I can keep venting this stuff, so I have to keep coming back even though it is tearing me to pieces.
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11/17/2008 2:33 pm |
I don't know how to be that person anymore. We have walked for awhile together in this land we call blogland. We have shared emails and friendship. You have given me tough love advice and teased me about my bad grammar....you held a secret for awhile and then shared it with me... We have laughed and joked and have gone many weeks without comments just reading words... My heart aches for you because you know that I do and will understand how you feel. You have asked me how to you move on? I have never answered you because I have no idea. Somedays you just have a brave face and you say you are going to do it and then 10 mins later you can cry when you see something that reminds you of that person. Emotional and physical wreck..YES But what choice does one have? It takes 2 to be in love and want to share part of each other lives. Please do not hesitate to email me. My boat is your boat~ You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
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I don't know how to be that person anymore. We have walked for awhile together in this land we call blogland. We have shared emails and friendship. You have given me tough love advice and teased me about my bad grammar....you held a secret for awhile and then shared it with me... We have laughed and joked and have gone many weeks without comments just reading words... My heart aches for you because you know that I do and will understand how you feel. You have asked me how to you move on? I have never answered you because I have no idea. Somedays you just have a brave face and you say you are going to do it and then 10 mins later you can cry when you see something that reminds you of that person. Emotional and physical wreck..YES But what choice does one have? It takes 2 to be in love and want to share part of each other lives. Please do not hesitate to email me. My boat is your boat~ But seriously, thanks for understanding, that is all anyone can do to help.
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11/17/2008 6:36 pm |
Oh Dreamer, how sad I am for you. For everyone, really, who understand your unrequited love because they have experienced it. It is a frightening concept for me to comprehend, to love someone so deeply that your chest feels hollow and each breath is agony. I cannot hope to fully understand your sorrow, but I do hear the pain in your words. I wish I could offer some sage words to console you, but sadly, in this I am lost. I hope that the warmth of my support sinks into your bones and offers some comfort. PD
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Oh Dreamer, how sad I am for you. For everyone, really, who understand your unrequited love because they have experienced it. It is a frightening concept for me to comprehend, to love someone so deeply that your chest feels hollow and each breath is agony. I cannot hope to fully understand your sorrow, but I do hear the pain in your words. I wish I could offer some sage words to console you, but sadly, in this I am lost. I hope that the warmth of my support sinks into your bones and offers some comfort. PD
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Sorry, I was passing by and... saw this creature saying... "I simply want to crawl under a rock and die" ... so this is how it feels just be your new person... perhaps you can understand what she means by friendship... with women... one really doesn't know... "there just so many things" Don't let your inspiration run dry... Best wishes, Marcia.
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Dreemy... i wish i had words that would take your pain away. but as you know... this will take time... a lot of time... and all we can do is give you our love and support from afar and hope you can feel the big hug i send you every day. c~ Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit ~Rumi  ..
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Dreemy... i wish i had words that would take your pain away. but as you know... this will take time... a lot of time... and all we can do is give you our love and support from afar and hope you can feel the big hug i send you every day. c~
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Only people who had nothing invested can "move on," and be friends. In unrequited love, it's best to sever the connection completely, at least for me. I'm sorry you are in such pain. Elevate me... 
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Thanks Tizzy - I'm sorry to hear you are feeling emotional but I hope if it is bad emotional it passes. Nice to see you here anyway.
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Only people who had nothing invested can "move on," and be friends. In unrequited love, it's best to sever the connection completely, at least for me. I'm sorry you are in such pain.
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Sassicat, your warmth towards me always gives me a lift. But one thing for sure, this woman is not heartless. She is going through real pain too trying to help me get through this and still be true to herself. Maybe she is scared of her emotions and hides from them, but we all have to end relationships sometimes and that is just her way. I knew that when I fell in love with her. She will probably ask herself her own hard questions in her own time.
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strange thing... "love" and "friendship" an "investment"  sorry... but no wonder why people complain about ending a relationship or getting divorced... see, I come from an "underdeveloped" country... I guess... all we share is spare change (does it make sense to you?) Saludos.
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strange thing... "love" and "friendship" an "investment" sorry... but no wonder why people complain about ending a relationship or getting divorced... see, I come from an "underdeveloped" country... I guess... all we share is spare change (does it make sense to you?) Saludos.
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 Oh Hunni, I'm seriously no help to you after reading this. I felt that to my core. I'm still around, still have you very much in my thoughts, I want you to know that. Kizza 
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