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Blogs > hotdreamer1000 > While I was Dreaming

Real Love Hurts  

hotdreamer1000 64M
8675 posts
11/30/2010 12:47 pm

Last Read:
1/11/2011 9:45 am
Real Love Hurts

Geysergirl had a post up with a quote by Neil Gaiman. It is a powerful piece of writing. Shortened down it says; Love leaves you crying in the darkness…..a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. I hate love.

Most of you know I have been there more than once - walking from room to room like a Zombie, blinded by the tears, not knowing what to do with myself. But the thing is, however much it hurts, if you really love someone, you are willing to put up with it, as long as they are not hurting too. Yes it wrings you out, and it can take a long time to get over it. Yes it leaves scars and can make you scared of getting involved again. It can make you lash out angrily for a while, or curl up and hide from the world.

But in the end you realize that you still love that person, that you want them to be happy; that feeling love for them still feels good, even if you don’t get it back in quite the way you used to. If you end up hating love, then I don't think it was really love - it was just something you wanted for yourself and didn't get.

wondering2day 52F

11/30/2010 1:46 pm

 That is completely why I have chose to steer clear of love all together...


rm_wantitindeep 58F
Ask me for a photo
1874 posts
11/30/2010 2:46 pm

 Love has many faces.
Just because you may be head over heals in love with someone, that doesn't always mean, that it goes both ways.
I have had an ex boyfriend, turn around & say to me once, that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me!
That hurt, as I had very strong feelings for him, at the time.
The fact is, we still are, very good friends.
As I am with a lot of my ex's.
But I don't quite agree with you on saying, that if you end up hating love, you really weren't in love at all.
It really depends on how much you loved that person, before they went & broke your heart!
I wouldn't go as far as saying that I hate love, but I will go as far as saying, I don't like it very much, at the moment!
Life isn't about how many breaths you take, but about the moments that take your breath away!


TheRedheadinHeat 62F
9294 posts
11/30/2010 2:49 pm
    Quoting  :
Yes! What our soon to be wife said! While no one wants to get hurt, if you don't jump in feet first and give it your all, then you could really miss out on something wonderful! The risk is always worth the reward!!!
If I have stopped by your blog, please be sure to sign my permission slip Pimp Me, Pimp My Blog, But Let Me Do The Same With You


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
11/30/2010 3:01 pm
    Quoting  :
Life - what is it good for - without love, absolutely nothing, say it again!


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
11/30/2010 3:02 pm
    Quoting  :
Sweet of you to say so. I am talking about in the past really, but all the same, thanks.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
11/30/2010 3:04 pm
    Quoting wondering2day:
    That is completely why I have chose to steer clear of love all together...
Well I am sorry to hear that. This was really meant to be an uplifting post about how love is worth it though, worth it because it should be about the value you place on someone elses well being and happiness rather than your own. But I agree there can be times when the pain makes you want to keep well clear of it. I hope that feeling doesn't last for ever for you.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
11/30/2010 3:05 pm
    Quoting TheRedheadinHeat:
    Yes! What our soon to be wife said! While no one wants to get hurt, if you don't jump in feet first and give it your all, then you could really miss out on something wonderful! The risk is always worth the reward!!!
That's true red, I agree with you.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
11/30/2010 3:12 pm
    Quoting rm_wantitindeep:
    Love has many faces.
    Just because you may be head over heals in love with someone, that doesn't always mean, that it goes both ways.
    I have had an ex boyfriend, turn around & say to me once, that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me!
    That hurt, as I had very strong feelings for him, at the time.
    The fact is, we still are, very good friends.
    As I am with a lot of my ex's.
    But I don't quite agree with you on saying, that if you end up hating love, you really weren't in love at all.
    It really depends on how much you loved that person, before they went & broke your heart!
    I wouldn't go as far as saying that I hate love, but I will go as far as saying, I don't like it very much, at the moment!
Well the thing is, what I was trying to say, is that if you really love someone - I mean love them in that way which means all you want is what is good for them, then if they decide they are happier without you, okay yes, it hurts like hell and leaves you feeling useless for a while, but then you realize (or at least I find I always do) that the reasons you loved them in the first place are still there. They are still the same person, and you still want them to be happy. You just have to realize that you aren't going to be having the joy and comfort of your love being reciprocated. I find once I accept that, then going on loving them actually feels quite nice again. It's being hurt and angry that you can't have what you want that can become so destructive.


rm_geysergirl 59F
10799 posts
11/30/2010 9:00 pm
    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    Well the thing is, what I was trying to say, is that if you really love someone - I mean love them in that way which means all you want is what is good for them, then if they decide they are happier without you, okay yes, it hurts like hell and leaves you feeling useless for a while, but then you realize (or at least I find I always do) that the reasons you loved them in the first place are still there. They are still the same person, and you still want them to be happy. You just have to realize that you aren't going to be having the joy and comfort of your love being reciprocated. I find once I accept that, then going on loving them actually feels quite nice again. It's being hurt and angry that you can't have what you want that can become so destructive.
you captured it
when you truly love someone, it is about their happiness and if you aren't a part of it, you still want them to be happy.. you don't stop loving them even if you are no longer together..but that is part of what rips out every part of your insides, your soul, shatters your dreams..but yet, somehow, knowing they are happy brings you some peace (ironic, but true)
Captivate my mind...and who knows what will follow. Discover more of my ramblings at [blog geysergirl]


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/1/2010 3:29 am
    Quoting rm_geysergirl:
    you captured it
    when you truly love someone, it is about their happiness and if you aren't a part of it, you still want them to be happy.. you don't stop loving them even if you are no longer together..but that is part of what rips out every part of your insides, your soul, shatters your dreams..but yet, somehow, knowing they are happy brings you some peace (ironic, but true)
Absolutely. But then I knew you would get what I meant, as it was your blog which inspired the post!


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/1/2010 7:33 am
    Quoting  :
Wow, and thanks for commenting Synndarella, that sounds like a pretty full life. I agree with you - it is worth the pain, and apart from a different time order my own expecriences mirror yours in a lot of ways, although luckily I seem to have managed to avoid the cheating lying type.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/1/2010 7:38 am
    Quoting  :
Well no - I don't think that is it. If love sucks it is because we suck at love. The point I wanted to make is that true love means wanting the other person's happiness. Love shouldn't rely on getting what we want for ourselves, wonderful though that is when it happens. Sometimes when we get hurt it is because we can't have what we want anymore, and that isn't really love, that is selfishness.


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/1/2010 11:35 am
    Quoting  :
Awww Nic, let's hope that doesn't happen, but I will probably be here for you if it does.


mystirose 46F
Ask me for a photo

12/1/2010 1:59 pm

 Love.....??? Hmmmm I wrote an entire page and decided to erase it. Love is an emotion that we give in order to recieve.....I think thats what it is, everyone says that no no thats not what love is, but think about it...if you hurt because the other person doesn't love you back, its because you wanted or expected it back. I am somewhat turned off by the concept of "being in love", Its a nice thought, a hollywood dream, I just don't think its real anymore... But maybe thats how my life is, I am sure everyone of you that is in love or hope to love one day it will exist for you So Hugs to all of you Lovers out there!!!!!


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/1/2010 3:59 pm
    Quoting mystirose:
    Love.....??? Hmmmm I wrote an entire page and decided to erase it. Love is an emotion that we give in order to recieve.....I think thats what it is, everyone says that no no thats not what love is, but think about it...if you hurt because the other person doesn't love you back, its because you wanted or expected it back. I am somewhat turned off by the concept of "being in love", Its a nice thought, a hollywood dream, I just don't think its real anymore... But maybe thats how my life is, I am sure everyone of you that is in love or hope to love one day it will exist for you So Hugs to all of you Lovers out there!!!!!
I'm sad that you erased your original comment Mysti - I am sure it would have been interesting. As to what you did write, well, I understand why you are turned off by the Hollywood dream of love, and I agree with you - it isn't real, (although it can seem as though it is for a while, which can be fun. )

But that is sort of what I was trying to say - because really loving someone means wanting what makes them happy - yes it is nice if it is returned, but if either partner only loves in order to have it returned, it doesn't work properly. Of course, not getting love back hurts, but my point is that real love is worth that pain - not for the getting - for the giving.

I like to think of it like a Christmas present: It is nice to be given something lovely, but even nicer to see the look on someones face when they open your gift and are delighted with it. Love is a gift you give without expecting it to be returned as of right. You hope it will be, but you go on giving anyway, because you love the person.


mystirose 46F
Ask me for a photo

12/2/2010 9:08 am

 I am trying to rememember exactly what I posted and erased but this thought somewhat keeps popping up, if we love that person unconditionally even though they are hurting us in some way then what we are doing is Martyring ourselves and thats not real love either. The only time that kind of love is unconditional is when its a parent/child love....I think wanting someone elses happiness is important and hoping the best for them, but if its hurting us and we continue to feel pain, well thats a bit masochistic??? I "love" making people happy but I know its something of a ruse, because we do nice and loving wonderful things for people to give them happiness, because when they are happy they are happy and they look at us for causeing their happiness......I think this is why I deleted this because its a little confusing....and I am the one that thought it up....but I think I made some sense if not at clear as I would like it


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/2/2010 9:47 am
    Quoting mystirose:
    I am trying to rememember exactly what I posted and erased but this thought somewhat keeps popping up, if we love that person unconditionally even though they are hurting us in some way then what we are doing is Martyring ourselves and thats not real love either. The only time that kind of love is unconditional is when its a parent/child love....I think wanting someone elses happiness is important and hoping the best for them, but if its hurting us and we continue to feel pain, well thats a bit masochistic??? I "love" making people happy but I know its something of a ruse, because we do nice and loving wonderful things for people to give them happiness, because when they are happy they are happy and they look at us for causeing their happiness......I think this is why I deleted this because its a little confusing....and I am the one that thought it up....but I think I made some sense if not at clear as I would like it
This makes sense to me, and I completely agree that if you are allowing someone to keep hurting you there is an element of being a martyr or a doormat, and that isn't necessarily love, more likely it is some other kind of need, especially if the person concerned is just using you and doesn't really love you. (Which they probably don't if they keep hurting you.)

That is why love is so often a choice as well as an emotion which comes by itself. If someone you love mistreats you, then even if they do not make you "fall out of love with them," you may decide to stop loving them, or to put it better, choose not to act on your love any more, because it is bad for your long term well being. (It might well be bad for their long term well-being too, but that is another issue. ) Even if your original motive was genuine love, I agree that it is probably destructive to continue to love unconditionally in these circumstances, unless you are a parent. And if the hurt is deliberate, possibly even then.

I guess I was talking about going on loving someone who hasn't changed, who hasn't mistreated you, but who just for some reason can't, or doesn't want, to go on returning your love. Then maybe it is an act of love to let them go, because they will be happier without you.

I think your phrase about liking to do things which make people happy because you like it when they are happy is pretty much a kind of love. If you do it without expecting anything in return, and then, by strange coincidence, you find they feel the same way, and want to help you be happy too, also without expecting or demanding that you keep being nice to them, (although of course you will 'cos you love them) - then you have the makings of a happy love affair. No wonder it is a rare occurrence, lol!


hotdreamer1000 64M
12409 posts
12/9/2010 6:45 am
    Quoting  :
Yes, that's true, but I find it is easier to deal with once I realise where the hurt is really coming from. I find the pain is far less if I realise that as a result of me putting up with that pain, someone I love is free to be happy in the way that they have chosen.


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