Time is almost up.
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Posted:Jul 22, 2016 11:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2017 10:10 pm
24098 Views
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My time limit I set is almost up.
I am not sure what I am going to do.
I just know it cannot continue as it has.
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It mattered
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Posted:Jul 4, 2016 11:27 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2016 10:58 pm
25870 Views
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the problem was, it was just to me.
The problem is a lot like oxygen.
If it is not you starving of it, it really isn't a problem,
I have understood this.
Even recognized it.
Dealing with it though, I have been avoiding.
and the longer it has been avoided, the more it seems less important.
not to me, but to others.
yeah,
I am kinda slow sometimes.
The rest shall remain unsaid.
At least for now.
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. . .
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Posted:Jun 13, 2016 10:30 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2016 11:21 pm
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I feel a touch of sadness right now.
looked at my high school reunion for last year, and realized, I don't recognize any of them.
looked at two other high schools I went to, same thing.
suddenly, I feel very alone in the world.
surrounded by others.
but very alone.
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I am changing
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Posted:Jun 1, 2016 12:45 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
25872 Views
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I can see it and feel it day to day.
My loyalty has been steady, but I feel my attention waver.
years in the making that is.
it has taken years to wear me down to look at anyone else.
and that through neglect.
It is safe to say it is only one part of the change.
I know the reality is the changes are probably not profound.
in fact they probably have only been urges I am starting to consider.
but I am one for impulsive behavior from time to time.
and that can become habit.
then it is no longer compulsive, but habitual.
it is all part of the way things happen, I am sure.
as is losing faith, or finding distrust.
I have a share of both.
but I am keeping my head up, and working toward something positive.
but as I am working toward it, I am affecting change.
I am going to make it happen.
I would just prefer it was not having to happen this way.
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tomorrow is going to be a different day
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Posted:May 25, 2016 11:18 pm
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2016 10:31 pm
26225 Views
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I shall try to make it better.
I will wake and get things done earlier.
I will smile more often.
I will accept hugs and kisses no matter who they come from.
I shall make my life better.
I will avoid trouble.
I will avoid things that make me angry or bitter.
I will avoid doing what I should not.
There shall be more.
I will do more.
I will.
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Words don't escape me
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Posted:May 20, 2016 12:26 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2016 9:39 pm
26258 Views
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but I don't use them as I once did.
I know what needs said, but I know it is not what is being heard.
Subtlety is lost.
and gestures.. .. they have to be seen to know they exist.
The words do not escape me.
but it seems they escape those who it should matter to.
at least to me.
All others are not relevant in what is trying to be accomplished.
That is not to say they do not matter.
nor that what is said or done does not matter.
On the contrary.
it helps keep what little sanity I think I might have.
but this too can be thrown into doubt.
I shall hope it does not happen too soon.
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a whole lot of nothing.
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Posted:May 11, 2016 10:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
26400 Views
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Ever have a lot on your mind but nothing worth talking about?
I think I am there.
Trouble is, I have to get some of it out of my head.
Problem is I think it has been sitting there in my head long enough it has all started to melt together.
Might be time for something hotter than coffee to help.
That and a bit of company who will listen and not try to fix it before the tale is told.
Of course anyone looking back can see I have told pieces of the story, but never all of it at once.
just enough to show there is something there, but never enough to wither it all in the light of day to dust.
Only opened the belfry enough to air it some before closing it again.
and some things never get told.
But I suspect that is life for a good number of people.
lots of secret stories, and only glimpses of them seen through a nearly closed blinded window.
Could have told some of those stories once, but some time ago, that door was closed.
and nailed shut.
Might have considered it a time or two in recent years, but I keep seeing boards being added any time it looks like something might get exposed.
and then there are other troubles.
but those too are probably something best left for another day, when I am long gone and no one will remember who I am, or was, or what I was like.
Almost makes me wish I could visit just to see if I would be as much of a bull in a china shop as I feel I am in this day and age, or if I would be a meek mouse in a corner hoping not to get noticed.
I would probably be both in turn.
Either way, I suspect a lot, but can prove nothing.
Probably for the best some days.
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well isn't that a dissapointment
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Posted:Mar 28, 2016 10:45 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2016 12:03 am
28627 Views
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before you read on, this is said in as sarcastic a tone as I can conjure.
I came here for the ladies of loose morals.
Alas, I was led to believe there were here.
a lot of 'em
but when I looked, all I found were ladies who were indeed prudent and careful in who they chose to share those favors with.
I am thinking the fault lies not with the ladies.
It lies with the site misleading me.
Of course the fault could well be mine.
I could be the most physically repugnant guy on the planet.
I could have halitosis. BO, bad habits a leering look that scares church goers from 50 paces, and maybe even acne or another malady of the skin.
But somehow I doubt it.
While I have met people who have in the past used this site, in recent years, I have not had such luck.
even then, when I did, I knew them before hand.
same could be said of anyone else I have met here.
knew 'em already in my normal non night life.
So thus far, the other part about meeting ladies wanting sex has been somewhat false.
at least in the physical sense.
and honestly, for most guys, yes, that does matter.
after all, that ghost driving my meat skeleton has not yet figured out astral travel, so physical stuff is sort of more important to a guy like me.are we done with that dagger yet?
nah, not yet.
there is more.
there is always more.
That is one of the great flaws to literacy.
You read.
Ideas form.
dreams take shape.
then you open your eyes, and the world has a way of smearing them on the wall.
While the colors might be pretty, the disfiguring of dreams is not.
sigh,
I have indeed gone too far with this. That is to say to where so many others have gone before me.
and yes, sarcasm is still in terrible affect.
I do not see it changing soon.
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strange dreams and changing life
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Posted:Mar 11, 2016 11:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
30098 Views
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to start, life has been in flux for me over the last 6 plus years.
not always good, but not always bad. Life is like that I am told.
as I am getting a little older, I am starting to see a number of my friends having health problems.
some more pronounced, and others starting the first signs of age after a well lived life.
I too am seeing signs of this in my life.
hair starting to change color, wrinkles developing, and things not working as they once did.
that is to say I take longer to get moving when I wake than I used to.
While there may be other changes, they have not yet been noted.
give it time.
this plays to the strange dreams of late.
on days where work calls me to town, I have been having vivid dreams of friends.
and most have highly sexual overtones.
some are almost pornographic.
almost.
today was one.
and on the way to work, I stopped to see a friend I have not been to see for a month or two.
She still looks as good as ever, and her other half was home from work, working on his next job.
idle chat always leads down strange paths with me, and today was not an exception.
well, not exactly idle, but not exactly focused.
There was mild flirtation, and some veiled suggestions as usual, and as always I had to play 'em down.
This is not to say there was not temptation to do otherwise, but without invite. . .. I try to mind my manners.
Another stop or two and I was almost ready to head home after work.
and I stopped by to see another couple of friends.
One I made a point of bringing a smile to a lady who had a bit of a day. I do that normally, but this one was because I had not stopped in to offer a smile, or otherwise make a good moment or two during the day.
I got a hug out of the deal, and snuck a peck on the cheek.
I suspect I could suggest more, but I try to mind my manners.
again, without an invite, I don't suggest more.
no sense in getting slapped for misreading what I think I see.
and I am at a point I am looking forward to all the friends I can keep.
refer back to others getting older.
still, she has a great way with hugs.
either that, or I am becoming a lecherous old man 
I am hopeful she is just great with hugs 
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you just have to try sometimes
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Posted:Jan 6, 2016 11:23 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
36525 Views
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Some might think it a bit odd to hear me say I am reluctant in things I do.
they might say I am adventurous.
forthcoming and outgoing.
maybe even bold.
but what they do not see, is the constant doubt in my heart.
But I fight it.
I try.
there is doubt about being good or bad, doing right or wrong.
there are times and places I know one thing or another is not exactly as it seems, or something is amiss.
I try to avoid those places and times if possible.
but then there are other places and times I am unsure about.
things I never learned in school or from my family.
and it makes me wish for better knowledge.
so I try.
I try to learn, without going too far.
doing the wrong things.
finding out the wrong lessons.
and sometimes I do it right. but then again, sometimes not.
but that too is part of living.
as long as you are really living, you might as well give things a try.
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and when you need something most. . ...
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Posted:Jan 3, 2016 9:39 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
36986 Views
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like say a good ear to listen, or friend to talk with,
you find yourself looking at a screen.
or hearing a dial tone.
There are times when you feel that weight of loneliness hit you.
then there are times you just wake up knowing it hit you.
Tonight I was feeling that need for company.
I do most days and live on a little.
what I can get most days.
sometimes less.
Then some days sneak up on you and make you want so much more.
Today snuck up on me, and I doubt there is enough booze in the house to see me through till morning.
I try to avoid the bottle, but some days, there is just no one to talk with.
no phone calls.
no chat time.
not even email.
Either I am boring as watching flies fornicate, or I live too far away to make anyone think of me in more than a passing sense.
but hey, it provides a moment of amusement for some one out there reading, so it can't all be bad.
but writing in a blog is a lot like being sick.
if you don't write to express that sickness, then all you are is sick.
yeah. it is one of those kind of nights.
but rather than drag anyone reading down into my gutter, I am gonna go dig out a bottle of old booze.
I will cuddle caress and consume it.
and perhaps start posting pics of the bottle.
but it is early yet.
I might go out and look up to see the stars first, and think the better of it.
Who knows, I might do something else before daybreak.
but only time is gonna tell.
have a good night.
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the weird light has been lit.
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Posted:Dec 29, 2015 9:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
36936 Views
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smoke 'em if you've got 'em, cause if you don't you might lose 'em.
It has been an up and down day today.
up in that some one showed interest, and down I was not there to respond.
saw a lot, as usual, but again, didn't have what it took to impress.
but then again, how many ever do?
I am gonna run with being weird.
It is what I am, so I think others will just have to deal with it.
will it make me bad, evil, or something to be feared? nope. I never was.
what others cannot understand will hinder them.
for those who can see beyond it, well you will find me entertaining.
that is about the least of it.
there is more though.
there is always more.
The words I have will fall short, but it suffices to say, I am going to make other turn their heads.
those who already have, will likely smile.
I might even get a hug or kiss along the way.
but I am not gonna hold back.
Just gonna keep it real.
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I got it.
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Posted:Dec 25, 2015 11:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 4:33 am
37487 Views
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Actually told what was the matter with me.
weird was the word.
called me weird.
not normal, abnormal, strange, an asshole, a jerk, or even crazy.
just weird.
So I am back to where I was in high school.
I have fallen from being what I was, to something before.
Should I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach right now?
I am going to try taking a deep breath, and not remembering those days.
and in the next line realize I have failed.
I do that a lot these days.
but I keep trying.
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