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When You Can't Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons  

1sweetbitch 57F
834 posts
12/23/2017 10:41 am
When You Can't Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons

I have read some blog posts where the authors take great offense at married people who take a lover. I have found myself in that situation since 2016....a married woman who has had a lover. I am not one to give a damn about what anyone thinks of me...but it does give me pause to read folks who seem pretty quick to judge others-especially given the nature of this site.

In 1994 my spouse had a total mental breakdown(he had already had a physical one) and had to be hospitalized(at one point they wanted to do ECT on him but I refused)as he was suicidal. From 1994 to the present I have been a caregiver to a spouse who can do nothing for himself. He is mobile( he gets around and can communicate his needs)but is unable to do anything to contribute to the care of the house-grounds-shopping-cleaning-cooking-paying bills or watching over finances or retirement income. I am in a situation in which I care for someone who is like a .

From 1994 to 2016 I had no sex....no intimacy...and no companionship or partner in my life situation. I have lived with someone who is mentally and physically ill and verbally abusive for almost 24 years. I have stayed to take care of him because we have no living and there is no one to take care of him like I do. In my heart of hearts I do not feel that what I have is a marriage at all-my marriage is something written on paper but not on my heart anymore. I do not love my spouse in a romantic sense at all. I do however care for him as you would a dear friend that is very needy and ill.

In case anyone wonders why I don't get help from my ...let me just say this-my only was killed in an auto accident when he was 32. He was a great help to me with his father and losing him was devastating on so many levels.

In 2016 I accidentally found this site and I met someone. We had great chemistry and for the first time in my life I had sex with someone other than my spouse. Since he is 4 hours away we have decided to end it and look for someone local. That has not happened for me yet.

I don't apologize nor do I feel guilty for finally deciding to take care of me while I continue to take care of my husband. I decided that for my sanity and his well being(his well being depends on me staying in the marriage) I HAD to begin to take care of my own sexual and emotional needs. Just the touch of a man who finds you desirable can be healing-I had forgotten how much so.

The reason I may seem harsh in here at times is likely because I have had to be tough as nails to face the shit life has handed me. I think my handle here really does describe me. I am NOT bitter. I continue to be a good caregiver-a good friend-and a grandmother to some young people who have adopted me as such. I have also decided to take care of some of my needs while I am young enough and care enough to do so.

I believe that my life situations have proven to me that you can't always make lemonade out of lemons(but if you add some vodka it might seem so )

justskin1 68M
11714 posts
1/9/2018 9:30 am

I am very happy for you to have found a lover. It does sound like what you have is a marriage in the legal sense but not in other important ways.
Personally, I feel that if one partner cannot or will not have a sexual relationship with their spouse that spouse should not be expected to live a celibate life.
BTW I meant to wish you a Happy Birthday in my comment in Judgement vs Preference.

If you see me in the real world, come say "Hi Justskin."

I always behave. Preferably not well.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:07 am:
Thanks so much XXX

scottj55555 52M
1978 posts
12/30/2017 11:57 pm

Thanks for sharing that. It always helps to get insight if someone is willing to share it.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:07 am:
Thanks for reading and commenting xxx

CarriedBack 58M  
117 posts
12/29/2017 11:43 pm

You have nothing to apologize for nor are others entitled to an explanation. You have been a blessing both to those you care for and to those of us who’ve gotten to know you via this site and blog. XXOO 😘

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:08 am:
Thanks sweet man xxx

tedscott40 57M
2440 posts
12/28/2017 5:21 am

You deserve a lot of credit for helping your husband all these years. I see nothing wrong with your being sexual.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:08 am:
Thanks Ted xxx

Isttime4us 60M/60F
137 posts
12/24/2017 4:31 am

Everyone has their own story to tell and I have mine but I'm to private so I keep it inside but after reading yours I guess mine is miniscule in comparison. Yes you are a wonderful woman .

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:08 am:
Thanks so much xxx

easyrider4008 63M
1436 posts
12/24/2017 3:46 am

You are not alone and I take my hat off to all that are in your situation, you have surpassed all that most reasonable people subscribe to in a marriage.
Wishing you a great Christmas and lots of lots of affection in the New Year.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:09 am:
Thanks xxx

BiggLala 48F  
28545 posts
12/23/2017 4:40 pm

Everyone makes decisions they think are best for them. Many people will judge, but it's not their place nor should the person living the existence care about others judgment. That said, not judging doesn't mean participating either. Again...everyone makes the decisions that's best for themselves.

It's clear you're strong and handle more than anyone wants to in life. Good for you doing what's best for you.

Need a way to message ALL members?...click here for helpful instructions in setting up a private messaging blog post.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:09 am:
Thanks Lala....love your blog

sneezy07 50M

12/23/2017 2:14 pm

Your a wonderful women, God bless you.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:10 am:
Thank you xxx

pagancountrygirl 62F
5256 posts
12/23/2017 1:22 pm

Wow...that's a hell of a lot to go through. Good for you for still being there to care for him. You're absolutely right, too, in that you need to take care of yourself. You can't care for others if your needs are not being met.
Merry Christmas and happy hunting!

Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:10 am:

TB5758 62M/63F  
533 posts
12/23/2017 11:45 am

You are doing what you need to do. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can ask. Fuck everyone else. Particularly the worthless fucking trolls like the Heathen and that asshole Ted from Delaware, what a bunch of jerk-offs! You are a good woman and need no validation. I love to see my wife have fun because if I go I want her to know it is okay to be alive. Fortunately we have a great sex life among being great friends to each other. If I were to die tomorrow God forbid she knows she has my blessing to be a woman and enjoy her life There is no doubt in my mind your husband would feel the same after all you have given and done for him. God Bless! Have a great Holiday.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:15 am:
Thanks! xx

52reddog 69M  
459 posts
12/23/2017 11:39 am

Oh, wow . . . I can certainly identify with your situation. While not nearly as severe as yours, mine is similar. My wife of 25 years is physically disabled, which means that virtually ALL of the 'stuff to do' around here is done by me (most of the cooking & cleaning, inside & outside maintenance of the house . . . I'm SURE you know what I'm talking about). I've been vilified by many in the years that I've been on this site . . . the most common being "If the marriage is bad, get out of it" . . . but that's the thing . . . the marriage ISN'T bad . . . but the last time we tried any 'physical intimacy' (that would be about 14 years ago) it almost hospitalized her.

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:13 am:
Gosh you can relate to me-thanks for your comment. Keep doing what you need to do to take care of you xxxx

MrB8848 72M
268 posts
12/23/2017 11:10 am

It also takes a great deal of special dedication to keep that up; more power to you!

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:16 am:
Thanks! xxx

hugz111 59M  
285 posts
12/23/2017 10:55 am

I feel the same, thank you for sharing

1sweetbitch replies on 1/14/2018 5:16 am:
And thank you for reading and for the comment

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