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Symposium Entry: Face It, You’re Addicted to Love  

myelin36 53F
4583 posts
6/5/2016 6:05 am
Symposium Entry: Face It, You’re Addicted to Love

This blog entry is part of the Twentieth Virtual Symposium: “Cravings/Addictions/Obsessions”

“Because your love, your love, your love is my drug”
― Ke$ha


Since the 1940's, psychologists have regarded the compulsive pursuit of gambling, food, and sex (known as non-substance rewards) as addictions. Until 2013, abuse of alcohol, opioids, cocaine, amphetamines, cannabis, heroin, and nicotine were formally regarded as diagnosable addictions. This categorization rested largely on the fact that substances activate basic “reward centers” in the brain associated with craving and obsession and produce pathological behaviors.

Modern research has found that food, sex, and gambling compulsions activate many of the same brain pathways as substance abuse. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM) has finally acknowledged that at least one form of non-substance abuse—gambling—can be regarded as an addiction. The abuse of sex and food have not yet been included. Neither has romantic love.

Scientists have long regarded romantic love as part of the supernatural, or as a social invention of poets in 12th-century France. Evidence does not support these notions. Love songs, poems, stories, operas, ballets, novels, myths and legends, love magic, love charms, love suicides and homicides—evidence of romantic love has been found in more than 200 societies ranging over thousands of years. Around the world, men and women pine for love, live for love, kill for love, and die for love. Human romantic love, also known as passionate love or “being in love,” is regularly regarded as a human universal.

Love addiction is somewhat more difficult to define simply because (whether we choose to admit it) by nature we are all addicted to love - meaning we want it, seek it and have a hard time not thinking about it. We need attachment to survive and we instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection. There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love.

According to Psychology Today, love addiction is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get a sense of security and worth from another person. During<b> infatuation </font></b>we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love will fix everything.

As a therapist, the root cause of love addiction is fairly easy to identify: inadequate or inconsistent nurturing, low self esteem, absence of positive role models for committed relationships and indoctrination with cultural images of perfect romantic love and happily ever after endings.

Love addiction can distort reality, change a person's perceptions and priorities to accommodate the beloved and result in personality changes (affect disturbance). As a result, love addicts may often do inappropriate or risky things to impress this special other. Many are willing to sacrifice, kill and even die for, “him” or “her.”

Case in point: In 1983, the world was introduced to Diane Downs, an Oregon woman who tragically shot one and attempted to murder her other two (who survived) all in the name of love. The true story was made into the best-selling book "Small Sacrifices" by Ann Rule in 1987 and then into a movie in 1989.

So, once you've identified that you are under the spell of love addiction, how do you break the destructive cycle that can interfere with having a healthy relationship?

Identifying dysfunctional patterns in any current and past relationship is the first step. Complete honesty is essential. Often this may require being open to hearing feedback from others. Accept this as constructive feedback without being defensive. As you do your assessment pay close attention to common themes in your relationships. Does there appear to be a similarity between your childhood experiences and your choices as an adult? If so, take note!

Ask yourself, what would my life look like if I took responsibility for my own happiness, successes and failures and loved myself the way I want to be loved?

Finally, make a plan of action and agree to commit to it on a daily basis. Most likely you will feel lonely, sad and frustrated at first but if you can persevere, you will be giving yourself a valuable gift. You will know and love yourself. Only then can you choose well and have the real, albeit imperfect relationship you deserve.

Due to the chemical reaction produced in the brain, the effects of love addiction can be powerful and toxic. Have you experienced the effects of love addiction? How has it impacted your life and your relationships?


Please read and comment on the other wonderful symposium submissions here: Participants List For the Twentieth Virtual Symposium CravingsAddictionsObsessions

Visit my blog:myelin36. Come read my Dirty Little Secrets


ironman2769 58M  
12877 posts
6/5/2016 7:27 am

I didn't know there was such a thing as love addiction. It was an interesting, post, thanks for sharing..

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myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 4:31 am:
You are welcome.

tickles4us 62M
7262 posts
6/5/2016 8:24 am

Another A+ post

Seems to be a lot of people with an addiction to love that could learn how to love themselves better.

Vive La Difference


myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 4:31 am:
Unfortunately those that struggle the most with love addiction are often the ones that are completely oblivious that it's them, not others that are causing their pain.

TicklePlease 56F  
13851 posts
6/5/2016 11:05 am

"There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love."

I just needed to highlight that.... so many times, wanting love IS seen as dysfunctional, as a weakness and a negative.

Thank you for your post, it's relevant and thought provoking and I appreciate that!!!


myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 4:30 am:
Precisely correct. So many people sabotage relationships because they deem themselves 'unworthy' of being loved or receiving love. I happen to know of a few men and women that feel this way yet they don't see it.

kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
6/5/2016 11:41 am

Myelin, this is brilliant and fascinating. That line- "Scientists have long regarded romantic love as part of the supernatural, or as a social invention of poets in 12th-century France." made me smile! I've mentioned before the respect that I have for William S. Burroughs as a writer. He wrote that "what we call love is largely a mixture of sentimentality and sex that's been degraded by the virus of power over the years." Of course, he was quite a misogynist! I see his point but I couldn't agree with him completely. I see loving and being loved as essentials for me.

Really a fine post. I enjoyed reading it!

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myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 4:28 am:
Thanks. Confession: I had a specific blogger in mind when I wrote this!

ULIXBIG 69M
9288 posts
6/5/2016 10:10 pm

Great post! Thanks.


myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 4:32 am:
Glad you enjoyed.

effer2910 60M
5508 posts
6/6/2016 11:35 am

I don't know if i am love addict but i know there is no perfect relationship because nobody's perfect. But human beings can be so titillating because of their imperfections and can be so joyful players. Is the idea of perfection helpful?

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KItkat1415 61F  
20051 posts
6/6/2016 3:25 pm

Myelin,
I love all the information that you provided in this post.
I hope everyone gets a chance to read it.
Great contribution to the symposium,
Kk

The observant make the best lovers,
I may not do right, but I do write,
I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life,
Kitkat
Come check out my blog
KItkat1415
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myelin36 replies on 6/6/2016 5:59 pm:
Thanks a bunch. Glad you enjoyed it.

Maybe2day1999 68M

6/7/2016 5:34 am

I love the post hon. There are a LOT of comments I would make about all I read. I will condense it to just this one though.

I think it is very appropriate and speaks to a lot of us. I like things that "better me" and the idea of the training myself to love me as I want others to sounds like a hard exercise, yet one worth doing.

With appreciation,

Craig


Golly06 71M
1932 posts
6/12/2016 9:19 am

This subject is too difficult for me! I have known men and women that could never stay out of a relationship. But were they looking for love or something else? All of them were successful and could support themselves, so I wonder why they always sought someone, many times ending up with the wrong (read abusive) someone. Is love a chemical addiction, a compulsion, or as Maslov would have it, a need? I am more inclined to skip the science and go with the romantics on this one. "My love is of a birth as rare As 'tis for object strange and high: It was begotten by despair Upon impossibility..." Love; Oy. (Poem "The Definition of Love," A. Marvell)


nous3369 44M/44F
100 posts
6/17/2016 5:18 am


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