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| Blogs > Insindiary > Insindiary's Diary |
Bleh
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Bleh It was about a year ago that I was so depressed. Lilith had left for Iraq. It sounds ironic to say I was lonely because my relationship with my wife was strong and we were both very happy. But I was lonely and sex was kind of a big deal. I was not getting the type or amount or frequency of the sex I wanted. I saw a therapist for a few weeks. I couldn't really pin down WHY I was going or exactly what I wanted to talk about. But it was good to talk to someone who could see my life from the outside and give me some perspective. I still think it's a good idea for people to do that every once in a while, whether it's a therapist or distant friend or relative or whatever. I also forced myself to get out and socialize with people even if I wasn't exactly in a social mood. I DID end up meeting some new friends and some new playmates. My depression subsided and eventually went away. It really wasn't such a big deal when it was happening. I've had periods of depression my whole life. But it's become much less intense over the years and my skills for coping with it have become so much better. It's almost become as routine as any other ailment. If I notice I'm getting sick, I'll take some medicine and stay home for a few days. If I notice I'm getting depressed, I'll find someone to talk to and try to socialize more. There's little emotion in it. Notice problems. Enact remedies. Done. I've been feeling a little bit bleh lately. This time, sex has very little to do with it. I guess I'm living the kinky, poly-amorous life I've always dreamed about, and even when I'm not, there's not much I want that I haven't had. So I'm not sure what the problem is now. I do feel disconnected from my friends, who are in actuality, Tricia's friends. That's part of the problem. The people we hang out with are nice enough, and funny enough, and kinky enough, but when I'm with them, it's like watching other people have a good time, rather than actually having one myself. I talked to Jasmine about this a little. She said she could relate. Her own personality is kind of over-the-top. As a former<b> dominatrix </font></b>and lifelong swinger, there's little she hasn't seen. She loves shock humor and she's good at it. The things that come out of that woman's mouth are outrageous, but not always for general audiences. She said that if she goes to a party, she feels like she has to hold back on unleashing her full personality. She said it's the reason she doesn't go out anymore. I don't agree with her that avoiding human contact is the answer, but I understand what she's saying. I hold back too. I don't know why. Even among the people I spend most of my time with in social settings. There are very few people I know that I can truly relax around. At work, I hide the fact that I'm a bit of a pervert. That's just good sense. But even among my pervert friends, I hide a lot of my personality. That's why I grew so close to Lilith. She saw me both at work and at play. There was little I had to hide from her. All that hiding takes it's toll after a while and it's no wonder that I get depressed sometimes. I'm not sure if the answer is to find new friends that I can really relate to, or to try to be more open with the friends I already have. At the end of the day, I know how lucky I am. There is little that I want. But I also know something is missing. It's hard to put into words exactly what that might be. I see shadows of it at times when I'm happy, but in the larger sense, it seems that there is more I could be doing with my life that I'm not. This is a deep and egocentric post, I know. I'm just talking things out. Posting is, after all, much like finding someone to talk to. |
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^^ And many women don't. I say keep looking. I don't see my vanilla friends that much, so it's kind of nice when I do get to spend time with them, even if I can't be completely myself with them. But I understand what you mean. Yes and no with Tricia. Like I said, it feels like our friends are really Tricia's friends. As far as she is concerned, nothing is missing. I don't have to hide anything from her, but I don't always feel like we're exactly on the same level either.
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I understand what you are saying also, and I am in the same boat, although in a much different situation. Being single...I am just looking for someone who I can talk to and relate to, someone to date. I am a bit on the kinky side, probably not to the degree you or some of your friends are and would never think to talk about it with my few friends I have. But in general and talking to people from this site, I have no problem talking about anything. But it does make for some hum drum visits with co-workers or vanilla friends and family. I am not myself with them either. I cannot remember the last time I completely let loose and totally enjoyed myself. Isn't that sad? I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS!! (MY LIFE'S PHILOSOPHY)
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