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Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind

Ow, my head!  

peekabooicu2ucme 46F
3728 posts
6/12/2009 9:10 am
Ow, my head!
The silence is deafening as I contemplate what was spilled. Where did that come from? I haven't a clue. It snuck up on me I think as I downed that last drink. Was it my fantasy world colliding with my wishes on top of memories and burnt hope? Was it the warning I received that I didn't know I needed that got that thought to seep into my brain? Was it all just bubbling up from a need unfulfilled? WTF? I do not know. Maybe I just needed to be put on the top of the list of people that suck. If I'm gonna screw up I need to be the best at it! Perhaps it was just my talent for sabotage slapping me in the face. Too close,
too close, shut down, close up, hide, dive, dive, dive!!! AUGH! As I looked in horror the morning after all I could do is say to myself, "stupid, stupid, stupid!"
Was it that dream I had the other night that suprised the hell outta me? Was it so fresh in my mind that it spilled into a wish? Well it was a really really good dream. Dreams and fantasies are not to be shared when I know they are not to be. So why? What is it in me that said it was a good idea? Did it begin as a joke? Probably. Did it come out all wrong? OH SHIT! Was it supposed to be a "gee I'm thinking of ya, hope you're doing k"? I think so. I just don't remember too well. What was in those many many glasses that said "Hey, reach out...that's a good idea. It'll be a lark. You'll laugh and laugh tomorrow. You'll reach out and touch someone and make him feel better. Who wouldn't want to know they're appreciated? What's this? Verbal crap spilling onto your screen. Hit send? Of course! That looks good. OH! Send some more. It'll be great! You won't feel a thing. Til you're sobor. DOH!" Come back, go away fucking stupid ass words! Delete, delete, delete! Rewind..............Shit. I can't. It's out there. Nothing to do but wait. Do I want to discuss it? Fuck no. Do I wish it never happened? Hell yeah. Is there a damned thing I can do about it?
Nope. Just write and spill. Will it repair? I don't know. Will I be understood? God I hope so. If it's not? I don't even want to contemplate. What a gaping hole in my heart and life that would leave. I geuss that's what it is. I care. Too much at times. I let him in. And I'd rather have him in my life than not. In any capacity. How the hell did that happen? I don't know. I just know I love sharing laughter and wisdom and stupidness with him. And It terrifies me to like somone that much. All the people I have loved have hurt and or abandoned me. Maybe I push away in the only ways I know will do it. Or maybe I'm just an idiot drunk chick that can't cope when full of so much stress. Fuck me. I geuss it's back to self therapy for me. Maybe I'll figure it out. Though I'm hoping I'll have help. 'Cause who really wants to be alone?

Come visit me too peekabooicu2ucme
OverEasy4Play 53M
161 posts
6/12/2009 4:10 pm

 Just stick your marshmellow on the stick.
Let is bubble n pop in want.
then add a slab of chocolate sugar..

It's best when a hard slam of all that tasty treat is pressed by two individual gram slabs....smorerific!

Camping is fun...Let your children grow as they watch a dragonfly break free of it's nymph shell. Yeah...I've seen the wonder of that too.


peekabooicu2ucme 46F
4530 posts
6/14/2009 2:48 pm
    Quoting OverEasy4Play:
    Just stick your marshmellow on the stick.
    Let is bubble n pop in want.
    then add a slab of chocolate sugar..

    It's best when a hard slam of all that tasty treat is pressed by two individual gram slabs....smorerific!

    Camping is fun...Let your children grow as they watch a dragonfly break free of it's nymph shell. Yeah...I've seen the wonder of that too.
You are just too good to me kind sir. I appreciate every moment and look forward to many more.
Come visit me too peekabooicu2ucme


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