Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now

I'm right where I should be, don't try and fix me  

cuffnspank 53M
6 posts
7/8/2018 7:31 pm
I'm right where I should be, don't try and fix me


The time for the confrontation had come. Payment for a decision I made three days earlier. The unpleasant consequences of crossing an alcoholic with a violent temper. As I turned into the driveway I saw him sitting on the tailgate of his truck. His head was tilted forward staring at the ground. There was a beer bottle in his left hand and a tire iron in his right hand. The shattered windows and crumpled metal of my car told the story of his rage. The amount of busted bottles surrounding my car told me he had been there a long time. I stopped the truck at the entrance of the driveway and contemplated my options.
I have been a survivor all my life. I had been a punching bag since I was five years old. I was no stranger to coming home to impending violence. He trashed my car out of rage, but also to instill fear in me. If he had done that amount of damage to hardened glass and steel, what would he do to mere flesh and bone? He slowly raised his head expecting to see fear in my eyes. I saw the disappointment on his face when all he saw was my cold blank stare. My heart rate had not quickened, my breathing had not changed, if I did not fear death then I certainly did not fear him.
I would like to tell you I went all Jason Bourne on his ass and everything worked out well, but I don’t want to lie to you. He didn’t break any bones, or knock out any teeth, but did give me my first concussion. He was five inches taller than me and had at least fifty pounds on me. He gained the upper hand quickly. The concussion was the product of having my head slammed into the hood of the car repeatedly while he screamed “where is she”. I lost my sight quickly as blood poured into my eyes and defending myself became increasingly difficult. I never said a word, I had been trained from an early age not to protest while being beaten. The beating came to an abrupt ending when the butt of my<b> neighbors </font></b>shotgun made contact with the head of my assailant.
“She” was a twenty one hour car ride away. Her body was a tapestry that told the story of the brutality she had endured at his hands. Never again would he lay a hand on her, and that made it all worth it.
I somehow thought saving her from this alcoholic abuser would take away all the pain from my own alcoholic abuser. All I had done wrong as a small would be forgiven and the world would now make sense. However, there was no forgiveness and nothing was made right. Five year old me still wanted forgiveness for the sin of being born into this world. Forgiveness for being the unwanted product of a broken prophylactic. Forgiveness for being in the way of an alcoholic parent that resented my existence. Five year old me still did not know these were things you cannot earn.
Like most things in life, it is what it is, and we have to learn to deal with it and move on. So I pulled off this scab, felt the fear, anger, and rage surge forth into present day. Present day me wants to harness that rage and confront that alcoholic parent that beat a five year old just for being in the way. That discounted the voice of a five year old and sentenced him to a lifetime of silent suffering. However, that is not possible and the damage done is lifelong.
So, all I can do is write this down as some form of catharsis. Realize it happened, what the consequences were, correct the resulting behavior, and move the fuck on.
I’m fine, really.

Become a member to create a blog