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| Blogs > matt-battler > Captain Caveman finally speaks |
My last word on that stupid film
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My last word on that stupid film While I try hard not to repeat myself in my blogs I've decided to return to a subject that's painfully hard to avoid this month - 50 Shades of Grey - as many women online are talking about little else. In most cases it's talking at the community in general via status messages - 'I need my own Mr Grey', as opposed to talking to individuals, nearly everyone referring to 50 Shades is someone unwilling or incapable of having a conversation from start to finish - funny that. Unsurprisingly the film has been wildly popular at the box office, and critically panned at the same time. This was a literary adaptation that was going to fill cinemas on autopilot no matter how dreadful. The detailed review on Radio 5 criticises the film on the basis that Hollywood is squeamish about male nudity so will leave the core female audience unsatisfied, the sex scenes in general are very sanitised compared to the book, and all efforts to improve the awful dialogue in the book - noted playwriter Patrick Marber was brought in to adapt it - were blocked by original author E L James. If you're a woman who loves 50 Shades and you're bristling at my disdain, if you enjoyed the book and other erotic fiction, then great, I'm happy for you. It's not wrong to love the books at all - whatever floats your boat. There are two major points I'd make to you, however. Firstly it's rather futile trying to talk to guys about 50 Shades - most men don't read any erotic fiction, we neither know nor care about it. We care so little about it that despite the fact you're obsessed by 50 Shades we won't bother finding out about it for ourselves, it's just not our thing. I'm no brain of Britain but I know what women aren't interested in. So you'll never see me in a chatroom, or messenger conversation saying the following: • 'So what's your favourite video game - Grand Theft Auto V, Medal of Honor III, or Call of Duty IV?' • 'It's nearly spring, who do you fancy in the cricket County Championship this year - Yorkshire were impressive last year weren't they?' • 'It's amazing the ales they serve in London pubs these days - organic ones, pale ones, dark ones, brown ones . . . I'm a Fullers man myself, what are you into?' • 'I've been jacking off to a lot of porn recently, especially DP and spitroast scenes, what's your favourite kind of porn?' (trust me I'd really need to have received a massive bump on my head and not be my normal self to say that one) The other major point that needs to be made about 50 Shades is that it creates an idealised, romanticised, updated version of the successful alpha male who wants to dominate and control women. Christian Grey is not a caveman, he is essentially civilised, but channels his 'inner demon' into going berzerk in his sex dungeon. This is an aspirant middle class version of an alpha male. The guys in my local area who'd want to have control over you in an alpha male sense are nothing like this. They drink in a pub I never go in because it's too violent. They spend their Saturday nights snorting coke in toilets and singing racist football songs. They'll then go home and knock their wives/girlfriends about before falling asleep. Working class guys with real demons will chew you up, spit you out and leave you in the gutter with bruises left on you by their fists, not by whips or kinky rope work. If you want a Christian Grey it's because you've never found him in real life, he doesn't really exist, he's too good to be true, just like the guy in the Gillette advert. Remember it's an entertaining fantasy, the alpha male reality is not something you'd want to put up with for long.  You're as likely to bump into a kinky Billionaire doing your shopping as I would bump into these Playboy girls down my local pub |
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Thank you. I completely agree and believe the books and the movie are not only ridiculous but are dangerous because of the inaccuracies.
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I certainly don't have a problem with the idea of erotic fiction, far from it. However I do have a problem with the master/slave or submission/domination concept. For me slavery took a hike thanks to the efforts of William Wilberforce never to return. I'm an adult, you're an adult - I don't get to boss you about, we make mutual decisions about what to do in bed. I might be passionate and vigorous when having sex but I'm not making a massive statement about asserting power, control or dominance over you if I do. Are the books outright dangerous? That's an interesting debate - if someone's stupid enough to try and re-enact scenes from the book, not know what they're doing, get handcuffed to a bedhead and need to call the fire brigade I'd say they deserve all the embarrassment that goes with it . . . 
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I don't have a problem with bdsm. I think it *could* be interesting material in a well written, accurate novel. 50 Shades, however, is garbage. I was given the books by a friend as a joke. I couldn't make it through the first one. It was just that bad. The two main characters are ridiculous. One is a psychopath, the other a moron. The danger I see is that some women (and men) won't know the difference between consensual sex play and actual violence.
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There's an old saying in England that parents use to discourage their kids from doing particularly stupid things when playing outside, like going onto the electrified railway tracks or putting plastic bags over their heads, 'It's all fun until someone loses an eye'. That's one of the problems I have with BDSM, as you say one of the characters is a psycho - 2% of the population have psychopathic tendencies - I wonder how many of them are into BDSM  - it must be particularly attractive for them. How can you be sure someone is into BDSM for the 'right' reasons, won't do genuine harm to you - and if they were dangerous how would you get out of it? So says the man with a handcuff and blindfold phobia . . .
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I think the trick is to know the person well. If anyone wanted to play out these kinds of fantasies, it absolutely has to be with someone you trust. For me, I see being tied up and blindfolded as a way of increasing the focus on actual sensation without the distraction of sight and movement. This kind of play doesn't have to include pain. It can simply be a sensual experience. But it doesn't appeal to everyone. And certainly shouldn't be something you do with a stranger.
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I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the film. I don't intend to see it, either. I don't get all the hype. The main character isn't even hot, I mean, wth? Haha. And while I have just as much interest in Grand Theft Auto V as I do in Fifty Shades of Boring, I do admit to being a mean Mario Kart player  Btw, you weren't complaining about any blindfold and handcuff phobia last week Oh, the screaming was fear? I thought it was screams of ecstasy  [image] "I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire..."
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The Grand Theft Auto games are actually pretty good entertainment and are a triumph of Scottish know how (produced in Edinburgh) but I know women aren't target audience for such fripperies so I quite rightly keep my mouth shut about them. I didn't know you were into Super Mario Kart - maybe this is an admission of a plumber fetish in you I've long suspected 'you weren't complaining about any blindfold and handcuff phobia last week' - that was the Rohypnol talking I thought I'd gloss over the screams of ecstasy - I don't want to make the other women jealous. That cyberwife blog caused me no end of grief  - really drew the sting out of a certain someone on here . . .
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The Grand Theft Auto games are actually pretty good entertainment and are a triumph of Scottish know how (produced in Edinburgh) but I know women aren't target audience for such fripperies so I quite rightly keep my mouth shut about them. I didn't know you were into Super Mario Kart - maybe this is an admission of a plumber fetish in you I've long suspected 'you weren't complaining about any blindfold and handcuff phobia last week' - that was the Rohypnol talking I thought I'd gloss over the screams of ecstasy - I don't want to make the other women jealous. That cyberwife blog caused me no end of grief - really drew the sting out of a certain someone on here . . . omg, hahaha. And you promised not to discuss my plumber fetish in public  Sorry you got grief over a blog. I can only assume it wasn't the person in question as you said she isn't here anymore...so the mind boggles I haven't actually played Super Mario Kart in years. But I was good, I was real good "I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire..."
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Hiya Holly, Whoops our sordid sex secrets will be on a Channel 4 documentary soon if I'm not careful Noooo it wasn't Kate who gave me grief - she's off the internet dating scene now, I wouldn't have mentioned her if she was still active, however the person who took issue with me didn't know that. Shit happens - if someone wants to find fault with you, I guess it helps if you put a lot of information out there, which I do as a regular blogger. It just gives them more ammunition to object to you in some way or another. I always thought this site was called Adult £riend Find€r, not Adult Fault Finder but what do I know?
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