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My Hiatus ...  

trixietrixster 56F  
3188 posts
6/25/2020 8:18 pm
My Hiatus ...

For the last 16 months, I have been thru a very traumatic event, on top of being diagnosed with a new illness. As if having an untreatable, incurable auto immune disease isn’t enuf … as if having the triple fucking play of OCD, ADD, and Dyslexia isn’t enuf … and, ya, my new thingy is also forever, until the Great Spirit spirals me up thru the Universe … I land on a cloud … appreciating the peaceful and calmness … wait for the next take …

Things were getting worse by the day, my isolation from the outside world more and more. Barely able to leave the house, unable to talk to anyone, no social media. Manipulated in ways that I cannot even express.My new illness used to make me continually dependent – the bad ouchies of my auto immune disease used against me. Being an Empath outraged him, tried consistently to “break me” of this “habit”. My reaction to each incident the same, were often times followed by hours and hours without speaking to me, sometimes even days. Words - machetes cutting thru every part of me – my innards torn out – my clothes saturated in red. All I could do was watch my blood drip onto the ground beneath me. Now and again, watching to see if the clear of my tears would make a ripple in the dark coloring as they hit it the puddle under my feet. It was only a matter of time before I was lost forever – my demise imminent. The red liquid that ran thru me totally depleted – a shell starting to form round me ...

A few days later came the chance – there were not many – I had to make this happen. Despite my fear, out of touch with family and friends, no job/money, not knowing where I would go, I had to make this fucking happen. Now … as there would never be another tomorrow. Somehow, I had to pull this off. No idea how or where I would find the strength and courage. The only thing I knew was this: I REFUSED TO DIE HERE IN AND UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES …

Two hours – max. Erred on the side of caution … 1 ½ hours. I packed what I was able to, almost breaking my ankle trying to get my stuff and throw it in bags, back and forth down steps, back and forth to my car. The pain of the twist was excruciating, just told myself to walk it the fuck off and move the fuck on. Time was not in my favor – not my friend. Next, I can't find my phone. Precious minutes ticked by while I looked and looked, the thought I am never going to make it out full force in my brain. My tears falling on everything I touched – some even landing on things I did not. And, for my next trifecta … where the fuck are my car keys … I just had them like 2 seconds ago. Trying to retrace my steps, the clock continues. Opening bags – taking things out – no keys. Repack. Hands and knees on the floor. Seconds are adding up to minutes. No keys. There was NO fight left in me - I was never getting back home. I would NEVER see my family and friends again, meet new people, get high, laff, listen to music, hit the farmers market and yard sales, color, go to Goodwill and thrift stores, build a jigsaw puzzle, make luv, fuck, wish upon a star or see a cloud, see a thunderstorm and count the strikes, go to a movie, do arts/crafts, watch reruns of Addams Family and Munsters, burn toast, smile at a stranger and hope I added to their day, push a cart in the food store while listening to my I-POD, find out how the series “Billions” ends, serve breakfast in bed and make homemade sweet treats, indulge in caffeine, have a clutz-o-matic moment, write stories and poetry, eat pizza and cheese fries and chicken, see a concert, enjoy the chill that nite air can bring, watch a candle flicker and absorb it’s embers, wear stiletto’s and jeans, drink a beer, help others with my energy and good vibes, use my pilates ball and my ten pound weights, bask in my skull fetish of clothing and shoes and jewelry, play dress up, put lipstick on and do my hair, pet and feed animals, give myself a mani/pedi, ride a ferris wheel and play pinball and go into the house of mirrors and haunted houses, have my ass spanked and my body stenciled, see a waterfall, feel the calmness of saran wrap/duct tape and hot wax, smell a flower, wear a pink or blue or wig, run my fingers thru man fur and trace his lips with my fingertips, learn to swim, get another tattoo, dance and kiss under Mother Nature as she let loose her cry, change out my piercings and get more, use an elevator, be mesmerized by the moon, load groceries into someone’s car who is struggling, watch wrestling, and a trillion other things. Throw in the bucket list and things that I never even considered. All of that bouncing thru my head … all in a matter of mere minutes. My brain waves firing so rapidly that my thoughts were like bullets from a firing squad …

Sitting on the floor, shaking, hyperventilating, knowing the chance that I was going to get caught was increasing with each millisecond. That would be it – the end of the line for me. Then, I saw one of my boxes lying on the floor that I used for some of my hair accessories. The sayings printed on them – live for today – hope for tomorrow – believe in miracles – the feel of my mom with me. Knowing full well that should he come home, it would be ugly scene. Mentally preparing myself for what may come, barely able to get myself up off the floor, holding onto the bed, I threw the pillows off, the covers down. Hearing the familiar sound of keys jiggling – found them sitting between the edge of the bed and headboard …

Exactly one month ago from today, I drove over an hour with what I could fit into my car, checked into a Motel 6. Made a few calls, finally having control back of my phone. With help, I was blessed enuf to secure an apartment within days. Moved in with a borrowed air mattress and two lamps …

My family and friends kept vigil, my well-being in their thoughts and prayers, never giving up hope. Keeping the faith in me to find my way back home – even when I was not able to. The glow of their porch lites, a constant, the whole time I was “missing” …

A lot of damage has been done – body - heart – soul – mind – spirit … the total and complete essence of everything that is me … of everything that I am. Some days I struggle a little – some days I struggle a lot. Despite that, each second of each day, I continue to get stronger, to rebuild my life and relationships. Keeping positive – mantras – meditation …

Anything and everything are in MY POWER … never will the hands on a clock tick by that I’m not grateful and continue to be positive … the future is full of possibilities … the future has no<b> limits </font></b>… I will never give up keeping the faith in the Universe – in myself. No looking back, only moving forward … 😊


In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


lindoboy100 61M
23969 posts
6/26/2020 7:10 am

That is a truly heart-wrenching read Trixie. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this, that you're still fighting through it. But it is really pleasing to see that you have fought your way over the first hurdle, and your hopeful positive outlook is heart-warming.

Big warm scottish hugs to you m'dear!


Tmptrzz 61F  
107039 posts
6/26/2020 9:41 am

My dear friend I am so sorry to hear that you have been through such an ordeal. I am so glad that you got out of that situation, and your starting your new adventures and I know my friend what doesn't kill us only makes you stronger. And if you ever need anything and I mean anything please reach out and ask. I am here for you and here is to a new life with so many fun and new things to enjoy..HUGGLES..

Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on..


trixietrixster 56F  
3125 posts
6/27/2020 8:05 am

    Quoting lindoboy100:
    That is a truly heart-wrenching read Trixie. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this, that you're still fighting through it. But it is really pleasing to see that you have fought your way over the first hurdle, and your hopeful positive outlook is heart-warming.

    Big warm scottish hugs to you m'dear!
lindo - so sweet and kind you are, ty and I appreciate your thoughts. Thru the forest, I was able to make it a tree, holding on tight from the onslaught of a violent storm. The rain and winds are subsiding - slowly clearing the new path - one millisecond at a time! And, I'm just realizing, we aren't officially friends?! Sending you a request and hope that you will accept it. Getting used to those Scottish hugs and luv 'em! *huggles*

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 56F  
3125 posts
6/27/2020 8:55 am

    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    My dear friend I am so sorry to hear that you have been through such an ordeal. I am so glad that you got out of that situation, and your starting your new adventures and I know my friend what doesn't kill us only makes you stronger. And if you ever need anything and I mean anything please reach out and ask. I am here for you and here is to a new life with so many fun and new things to enjoy..HUGGLES..
Tmp - my dear and true friend, thank you for all your support with this, and all else. Everything went thru my mind that was said, including how I would never make it if I ever tried to leave, how I'm this and that. Most especially that with my new illness, I'd be doing everyone a favor by never contacting them again ... fought off those thoughts with all that I had left. So rite - we are definitely stronger than we think - WE are ALL still breathing. Your offer is a generous one, one that I'm blessed to receive, and most appreciative of. This should go without saying, but, time doesn't know itself, the impact it can have ... I'm never letting a day go by without making sure those important to me know it ... here for you also, today, tomorrow, next month, next year, whenever you may need me. Feels fucking unreal not to be drowning for air!! *super duper uber huggles*

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


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