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| Blogs > bipolybabe69 > "..yes I said yes I will Yes." |
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SPOILER ALERT: The following piece is personal and cathartic, as well as wordy. I almost deleted it except for Reason #1 (below) about why I'm getting to the point of (almost) being relieved that he didn't love me back. *** Now, on with the show! "I'm not worthy!" I've always loved that bit in "Wayne's World." Along with "Schwing!" to indicate the raised interest in a babe. I imagine most of us feel "I'm not worthy" from time to time. Today, finally, I realized without malice or anger that HE (the former Partner in Crime --FPIC-- aka The Total Dickhole) is not worthy... Of the past couple months' anguish because he was just not that into me after I'd spent a year doing back flips to demonstrate how wonderful I am. Not worthy of me because: 1) I do not hide who I am. My twins --who will be 21 in less than a month-- know I teach about sex. And that I believe in and enjoy an adventurous, bi, sex life. I've kept it age-appropriate with them for years but I've refused to hide. Not even from my mother who didn't speak to me for a year and a half after she visited my sex coaching website. 2) My mantra: "Grow or Die." His: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Dude, you are broken, just like the rest of us. I have looked into the abyss. I'm healing. All the cognitive behavioral self talk won't help you stop running from your fear of emotional connection and how much it can hurt. I would walk beside you on that path...without any promise of a future together just because I love you and truly desire that you live your best life. If you said that I know you better than anyone else (and you did), and I said I don't know you at all (which I did)...well, what does that say about you and your ability to reveal yourself? 3) I am NOT a . Calling me one means you do not understand the nature of what I do and my calling to help people fully enjoy the pleasure of their bodies. 4) I do not myself that I am "a giver" when it comes to sex. I do what's fun for me. Often, what's fun for me is to give what's hot for the other person. 5) We all benefit and grow by connecting in community. My peeps, my community, are those who choose to love and fuck in ways that do not fit in the default monogamy, culturally acceptable box. I WILL NOT LIVE IN A BOX. All this became crystal clear last night as I debated in a mineral hot spring (I have lots of realizations in hot springs) with a very delightful new FB (Fuck Buddy--met through Tinder) who maintains: "If you truly loved someone, wouldn't you absolutely want monogamy?" "No," I said, adding, "I can love deeply without desiring or requiring monogamy. Why would I deny myself sexual self expression or deny my partner the opportunity to be adventurous?" (There were a lot more words and lots of wine, but you get the gist.) I believe that monogamy is the default setting, based in fear, in search of false security. Doubtless, I'll return to this topic of monotony (sic) vs polyamory again. And finally, 6) Let's say he finally wised up and 10 years or 10 days from now said, "Angie, I made a mistake. I want to be with you." He would have to work so hard to show isn't just "settling" for me. And he'd have to change his spots (see above). And we all know that will happen when Hades freezes over. So...I am worthy of being truly loved and adored by The One (or thinking poly, loved by The Many) who is worthy of me. I'm embarrassed of all the cliches and mixed metaphors above but I swam in the flow of my ice cold crystal clear vision. Brain freeze. So, was there a time when it became clear to you why it didn't work even though you wanted it so, so, so much? {=}{=}{=} BiPolyBabe69 aka Angie |
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