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Blogs > Platosgames > Beginning Again

A Change Would Do You Good.  

Platosgames 102M
2246 posts
11/1/2018 1:45 pm
A Change Would Do You Good.

My neighbor and I got into a discussion last night about marriage and how it can change people. He was lamenting the fact that his wife, who I think is a saint for putting up with him , used to be more fun. It got us into the discussion of things you change about yourself while you're married. And also, how some things change back after you get divorced.

I was married for 17 years. When people ask, I tell them I've been happily divorced for over 14 years. One of my changes, that we talked about last night, was watching football.

When I got married, I use to watch at least one college game on Sat, two pro games on Sunday, and of course Monday night football. Yeah, I know, lots of football. Well, the ex complained enough, so I told her I'd give up watching college ball. Freed up Saturday. Things were great, for a bit. Then it was still too much football. So it was settled, begrudgingly, that I'd just watch the Cowboys games. Perfect, everyone is happy again. But as most things in my marriage, it still wasn't good enough to stand the test of time. Finally, just frustrated with the nagging, I gave up watching football all together. /sigh.

Funny thing is, as I was telling my neighbor, about one and a half years after I was divorced I was flipping channels one Sunday. Low and behold, there was a football game on!!!!! All of a sudden it dawned on me. I had missed a season and a half of NFL games, that I could have been watching. LOL

Yeah, I'm a idiot sometimes. And a creature of habit. I had just gotten so used to not watching them, it never crossed my mind. I pretty much just watch the Cowboys games these days. And the playoffs, which means watching other teams recently, cause the Boys just can't seem to get their crap together.

But it's really just one thing that I've changed back after getting divorced. I go to the beach a lot more now. I got back into saltwater fishing. And I'm sure I'm back to being more laid back, then I was as a married guy.

For you married people, are there things that you have changed, to keep the spouse happy? Or, did anything just evolved, not necessarily planned?

For the divorced people, did you find yourself going back to doing things you did before you were married? Like me?
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 1:48 pm

 Sometimes, change can be a hard thing to take. Other times, it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. A lot of the difference, comes from how you handle it.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Paulxx001 67M
22642 posts
11/1/2018 1:57 pm

 I've been divorced for so long that I don't recall changing in either direction. My ex and I got along pretty well - until we didn't. There was always give and take - until there wasn't. Things were going great - until they went in the toilet.

I cook as much now as I ever did and do what I did then... I guess I might start doing it (whatever it is), at 3 in the morning., or when I feel like it. .. It's all good... Yep.. Time is different...


bitchkitty2017 71F

11/1/2018 2:02 pm

 well too many people try so hard to change someone and its sad I wouldn't want anyone to change what I do and I do not expect others to do as I expected..My late husband was a licenced mechanic and he worked a lot of hours here and when he was a 9-5 er..I never expected him to give anything up..we went our separate ways doing our own things..He took interest in my projects or whatever I was into I did the same ..he taught me the basics of mechanics...I was glad he did..I like sports and will watch most anything so I did and still do....he was not into and didn't have time to but cars and racing we both enjoyed...change is hardest when I sit alone and watch tv....


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 2:15 pm
    Quoting Paulxx001:
    I've been divorced for so long that I don't recall changing in either direction. My ex and I got along pretty well - until we didn't. There was always give and take - until there wasn't. Things were going great - until they went in the toilet.

    I cook as much now as I ever did and do what I did then... I guess I might start doing it (whatever it is), at 3 in the morning., or when I feel like it. .. It's all good... Yep.. Time is different...
Yeah, that's one of the major things that I like about being divorced. If I wake up on a Saturday morning and want to go to the beach. I go. No clearing it with anyone, no "but remember we were going..."

That and yeah, I can cook how I like, foods I like.

Good points.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 2:17 pm
    Quoting bitchkitty2017:
    well too many people try so hard to change someone and its sad I wouldn't want anyone to change what I do and I do not expect others to do as I expected..My late husband was a licenced mechanic and he worked a lot of hours here and when he was a 9-5 er..I never expected him to give anything up..we went our separate ways doing our own things..He took interest in my projects or whatever I was into I did the same ..he taught me the basics of mechanics...I was glad he did..I like sports and will watch most anything so I did and still do....he was not into and didn't have time to but cars and racing we both enjoyed...change is hardest when I sit alone and watch tv....
You're right. Too many times people try to change the other. It rarely works out for the good. So much simpler if you can love each other for who you are.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 3:27 pm
    Quoting  :
Agreed on every point.

How we look at stuff can make all the difference in the world.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


positively4you 74F  
4605 posts
11/1/2018 3:51 pm

 Yes, I found things, like, wellll, ahmm, hmmmm.......good sex.


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 4:32 pm
    Quoting positively4you:
    Yes, I found things, like, wellll, ahmm, hmmmm.......good sex.
LOL...ok The winner of the best response goes to positively..

that was one I hadn't thought of.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 4:34 pm
    Quoting  :
Sounds like a familiar pattern. It has been nice over the years getting back to who I was before. Hanging with some old friends. I think the change was so gradual with me, I never noticed it until after the divorce.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 4:39 pm
    Quoting  :
Yeah it sounds like you became two people. The one he wanted you to be, the one you thought you should be. I think living that way can never last. Eventually, like you at 40, you sit up and realize how far away from being you, you really are.

Everyone grows and changes, as they grow older. But the path, the choices, and the outcome is so much different if you're doing it for someone else.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


superbjversion2 68F  
24388 posts
11/1/2018 6:17 pm

 The biggest change I had to make when I got married was letting him know my whereabouts. Not as him keeping me "under control" but as the courtesy that people who care about each other do. When he passed away, I was left with a young child to raise, so slipping into "single habits" didn't happen until she went away to college. It wasn't hard to revert.

It did take many years before I could sleep in the middle of the bed, though.
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!


redrockrascal 65M
23580 posts
11/1/2018 6:27 pm

 Never married but several long relationships. I didn't change much - probably because I'm kinda hard headed. I don't ask or want whomever I'm with to change - not my place to do that and I wouldn't be with them if I didn't like who they were.

the Boys just can't seem to get their crap together 2 words Jerry Jones amp;
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 6:54 pm
    Quoting  :
I agree..sorta that thinking that led me to the love, like and lust , line of thinking.

You seem like a person that's very comfortable in their own skin. I think that's great.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 6:56 pm
    Quoting  :
LOL...yeah I'm wondering if that's where I'm at now with the being alone and doing it my way.

I know it'd be damn hard to get me to change anything of significance these days.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 6:59 pm
    Quoting superbjversion2:
    The biggest change I had to make when I got married was letting him know my whereabouts. Not as him keeping me "under control" but as the courtesy that people who care about each other do. When he passed away, I was left with a young child to raise, so slipping into "single habits" didn't happen until she went away to college. It wasn't hard to revert.

    It did take many years before I could sleep in the middle of the bed, though.
Having a kid would certainly keep you "in a routine". I raised the older three kids after the divorce. All teenagers. That was an experience. LOL

You know I have a king sized bed, and I still sleep on "my' side of the bed.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/1/2018 7:01 pm
    Quoting redrockrascal:
    Never married but several long relationships. I didn't change much - probably because I'm kinda hard headed. I don't ask or want whomever I'm with to change - not my place to do that and I wouldn't be with them if I didn't like who they were.

    the Boys just can't seem to get their crap together 2 words Jerry Jones amp;
I'm with ya. I'm sorta stubborn about a few things myself. But agree on the change thing . Now days, if I have to change, or would feel the need to change her. Why would I want to be together in the first place?

I wish it was as simple as JJ.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


SeaGirlFL 60F
9220 posts
11/1/2018 8:18 pm

 I was married for 26 years...the changes were gradual, so I even define what changed. But, I know I changed.

After we separated, I realized I could buy red grapes (I blogged about it recently). That was an empowering moment...when I realized I didn't have to listen to someone complain about red grapes, because his preference was green.

My habits absolutely have changed since separating and divorcing...that could be more because I moved to Florida than just being divorced. But, I do admit, I'm enjoying the freedom of cooking what I want, going where I want, what I watch. I have also noticed that I am a lot less stressed.
"Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax." – Mark Black


Livin_my_Life14 53F

11/1/2018 9:28 pm

 You gave up football?!?!?!?🤪🤪🤪🤪

No wonder you weren’t happy! I love football I watch it Thursday, Sat , Sunday and Monday nights. I must admit that my fantasy football team is doing pretty good💕


pocogato12 71F  
37235 posts
11/1/2018 9:34 pm

 My first marriage had a serious confrontation with Uncle Sam when the army got him
My "recent" divorce was 1991. We both made big money. I paid the bills, ran the house and yard and he drank. Thank goodness I like myself or that would have destroyed who I came to realize I am. I have had some pitfalls in the years that followed and some serious health problems but life is good so I am now in another phase of exploration
(Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group


yesmamallthetime 56F  
11278 posts
11/1/2018 10:20 pm

 I just can't believe you did not watch football for that long a while! I was not really into sports when I was married but now I am. I became quite the baseball fanatic after the Red Sox won the WS in 2004. Well you can imagine if anyone told me I could not watch the World Series. Ha! I am not sure if I will ever get married again. Heck I can't find anyone who does not want to be anything but a FB or FWB on any dating website.
Independently Romantic Sounds Better Than Lonely


gardenboy321 60M  
41936 posts
11/1/2018 11:26 pm

 I'll never marry again... never! lol Once around that block was enough, but I'm not saying I won't find love again, won't fall in love again, I just ain't getting married again. My proclamation of love, and my actions of love should be, and will be my only commitment to whoever it is I decide to love, and whoever it is who decides to love me back.
Thoughts from the Garden...


FMAOPLS 70F
Ask me for a photo
27112 posts
11/2/2018 2:04 am

 I was still in high school when I started "going steady" with my ex, and we were both 22 when we married. Way too young. We didn't even know ourselves.

I thought the first years were good, we didn't have kids until the 5th year, and things started to go really downhill when they were 3 and newborn. Apparently, he expected me to be like His Mother, but had never told me that. Unfortunately, I was much more like My Dad. LOL

The next 13 years went steadily downhill until I was suicidally depressed. I had denied who I was, what I felt, and what I wanted for far too long - and it was only with the help of a therapist that I realized I had been in an abusive relationship since almost the beginning. We did what He wanted, went where HE wanted to go, saw His friends, ate what He liked, and spent time with His family - for years.

I recall several incidents which really pointed out to me that we were heading in different directions, when after my sisters and I spearheaded the 1st Family Reunion we had ever had - there was an evening of sitting around a campfire, telling stories and singing. Everyone was there - EXCEPT my husband. He stayed back at our trailer, reading a book.

I took that as a pretty clear sign (along with all the others) that he really didn't care two hoots about me.

And his efforts to make me into the person he wanted to be - were kiboshed when I started telling him how I really felt. That was a shock to both him, and our kids - and the beginning of the end.

Holey Moley - I didn't expect to carry on so long.

Since we split, in 1997 - I have continued to grow, and flourish, and become an intelligent, usually-confident woman. In short, I left him behind "in my dust".

He remains the same old asshole. But at least now, he's "somebody else's asshole".
Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:04 am
    Quoting SeaGirlFL:
    I was married for 26 years...the changes were gradual, so I even define what changed. But, I know I changed.

    After we separated, I realized I could buy red grapes (I blogged about it recently). That was an empowering moment...when I realized I didn't have to listen to someone complain about red grapes, because his preference was green.

    My habits absolutely have changed since separating and divorcing...that could be more because I moved to Florida than just being divorced. But, I do admit, I'm enjoying the freedom of cooking what I want, going where I want, what I watch. I have also noticed that I am a lot less stressed.
I think a lot of times it is more of the small changes that happen, and like you state, it's usually a gradual thing.

It is very relaxing knowing that you can make those choices without someone second guessing you . Relived a lot of stress with me.

And by the way, red grapes are way better than the green ones.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:06 am
    Quoting Livin_my_Life14:
    You gave up football?!?!?!?🤪🤪🤪🤪

    No wonder you weren’t happy! I love football I watch it Thursday, Sat , Sunday and Monday nights. I must admit that my fantasy football team is doing pretty good💕
I know right?!?!? LOL

When I commit to something, I give it my all. If it fails, it's not going to be because I didn't give it 100%. Somethings just demand too much change, and to be honest. It was destined to fail.

Good job on the fantasy team.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:10 am
    Quoting pocogato12:
    My first marriage had a serious confrontation with Uncle Sam when the army got him
    My "recent" divorce was 1991. We both made big money. I paid the bills, ran the house and yard and he drank. Thank goodness I like myself or that would have destroyed who I came to realize I am. I have had some pitfalls in the years that followed and some serious health problems but life is good so I am now in another phase of exploration
Yeah, your second sounds like it would have forced too many changes upon you. But it would appear you are stronger than lots of people, and came out the other side even stronger. Alcohol abuse is a catalyst for some really nasty changes.

I for one, am glad you also came through the health problems and are able to grace us with you blogs. I always find you to be a very interesting lady.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:12 am
    Quoting yesmamallthetime:
    I just can't believe you did not watch football for that long a while! I was not really into sports when I was married but now I am. I became quite the baseball fanatic after the Red Sox won the WS in 2004. Well you can imagine if anyone told me I could not watch the World Series. Ha! I am not sure if I will ever get married again. Heck I can't find anyone who does not want to be anything but a FB or FWB on any dating website.
At times I still don't believe or understand why I stayed as long as I did. Probably was just because I didn't want the kids growing up in a divorced family.

I certainly wouldn't give it up again. Maybe I just got a little wiser. Maybe...
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:16 am
    Quoting gardenboy321:
    I'll never marry again... never! lol Once around that block was enough, but I'm not saying I won't find love again, won't fall in love again, I just ain't getting married again. My proclamation of love, and my actions of love should be, and will be my only commitment to whoever it is I decide to love, and whoever it is who decides to love me back.
I think we have the same mindset on this topic. I look at it in the sense of, I don't need a piece of paper to hold me to a commitment. Not to mention the fact, that in a lot of relationships these days, it does nothing to hold the two together anyway.

Love, honesty and commitment should be enough. If it's not, then maybe the relationship wasn't as strong as perceived.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:24 am
    Quoting FMAOPLS:
    I was still in high school when I started "going steady" with my ex, and we were both 22 when we married. Way too young. We didn't even know ourselves.

    I thought the first years were good, we didn't have kids until the 5th year, and things started to go really downhill when they were 3 and newborn. Apparently, he expected me to be like His Mother, but had never told me that. Unfortunately, I was much more like My Dad. LOL

    The next 13 years went steadily downhill until I was suicidally depressed. I had denied who I was, what I felt, and what I wanted for far too long - and it was only with the help of a therapist that I realized I had been in an abusive relationship since almost the beginning. We did what He wanted, went where HE wanted to go, saw His friends, ate what He liked, and spent time with His family - for years.

    I recall several incidents which really pointed out to me that we were heading in different directions, when after my sisters and I spearheaded the 1st Family Reunion we had ever had - there was an evening of sitting around a campfire, telling stories and singing. Everyone was there - EXCEPT my husband. He stayed back at our trailer, reading a book.

    I took that as a pretty clear sign (along with all the others) that he really didn't care two hoots about me.

    And his efforts to make me into the person he wanted to be - were kiboshed when I started telling him how I really felt. That was a shock to both him, and our kids - and the beginning of the end.

    Holey Moley - I didn't expect to carry on so long.

    Since we split, in 1997 - I have continued to grow, and flourish, and become an intelligent, usually-confident woman. In short, I left him behind "in my dust".

    He remains the same old asshole. But at least now, he's "somebody else's asshole".
I think more relationships fail, because of the process that you described, then other reasons. Some people have a need to be in "control". When that's really just a fallacy. You can't change someone to meet your needs, nor should you try.

Sounds like you did the right thing, freeing yourself and getting back to being you.

I'm not against relationships. I just don't think either party should have to change drastically to make it work.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 6:26 am
    Quoting  :
Everyone changes to some extent in a relationship. Hell some of the changes might even be for the better. Lord knows I settled down from a lot of my wild child mentality. Could be why I'm still alive. LOL

But the changes should never be forced, certainly not because of one side's insecurities.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


Tmptrzz 61F  
107039 posts
11/2/2018 11:28 am

 First off let me just say that I don't know why some women think that watching Football is a bad thing, trust me it's not as I enjoy it too. And sometimes half time can be a whole LOT of FUN!!

That's what marriage is give and take he controls the tv during the day which I am good with as I am busy doing other things. And at night if there is shows on that I want to watch ( my regular ones) he goes into the bedroom and watches TV in there as he doesn't mind.

One more thing I would like to share is I was always brought up to learn that men are simple creatures and live by a few simple rules.

1 Feed them
2. Give them the remote
3. Let them watch sports
4. Blow them ( as often as they like)
5. Don't NAG!!!!

And I have to say these work for the most part. Marriage is all about communication and talking to your partner and letting them know what your needs are in and out of the bedroom..

I hope you have a great weekend..
Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on..


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 12:34 pm
    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    First off let me just say that I don't know why some women think that watching Football is a bad thing, trust me it's not as I enjoy it too. And sometimes half time can be a whole LOT of FUN!!

    That's what marriage is give and take he controls the tv during the day which I am good with as I am busy doing other things. And at night if there is shows on that I want to watch ( my regular ones) he goes into the bedroom and watches TV in there as he doesn't mind.

    One more thing I would like to share is I was always brought up to learn that men are simple creatures and live by a few simple rules.

    1 Feed them
    2. Give them the remote
    3. Let them watch sports
    4. Blow them ( as often as they like)
    5. Don't NAG!!!!

    And I have to say these work for the most part. Marriage is all about communication and talking to your partner and letting them know what your needs are in and out of the bedroom..

    I hope you have a great weekend..
She was a very insecure person. Anything that distracted me from her every moment was a bad thing.

I agree, it's really all about communication and compromise. But it's better if that all happens up front. I wasn't very good at trying more of that when I married her.
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


sexysixties2 106F
Ask me for a photo
39750 posts
11/2/2018 2:24 pm

 My first marriage was when I was young and we divorced while I was still young enough to go back to doing everything I did before.

My second marriage ended with me becoming a widow 15 years ago. I really enjoy being able to do what I want...when I want and to be alone when I want.
"Age does not protect you from love, but love, to some extent, protects you from age."

~~Anais Nin~~


Platosgames 102M
3189 posts
11/2/2018 3:06 pm
    Quoting sexysixties2:
    My first marriage was when I was young and we divorced while I was still young enough to go back to doing everything I did before.

    My second marriage ended with me becoming a widow 15 years ago. I really enjoy being able to do what I want...when I want and to be alone when I want.
I'm sure there are some who have great , unfettered marriages. But I'm with you, I do enjoy not clearing my plans with anyone .
" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


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