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manic when gay/depressed when straight  

sysper 50M
56 posts
7/13/2019 10:23 pm
manic when gay/depressed when straight


before i write anything, i still acknowledge i am a bisexual, and i realize my preferences change overtime. i accept those things, and value bisexuality overall.
now, i've noticed for a long time that whenever more in the mood for someone of the same sex, i tend to be in a manic mood. the thought of being with a guy excites me. this has not been approved very much by society, but dammit i assert my right to find some kind of intimate happiness with a guy, and going to find it can be a great time.
when my preferences lean to the opposite sex, i get depressed and hopeless. yes, in the mood for fun, but i want more. i need more. this is not merely hormones or endorphins talking. it's something fundamentally more. in this mood i realize how lonely i am, how alone i am. i have this deep longing for the most intimate and profound of connections, a longing that, in my mid 40's, afraid i will never fulfill. so yeah, maybe i'll get to fool around with some guys and it will be fun and all, but that joy will pass and i will be left in the end with nothing. and that's what i will live with and die with, nothing.
what the fuck is wrong with me?

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