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Growing up Kelly
I've been wallowing in my own confused And insecure delusions
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Alaska and snow
Posted:Dec 16, 2016 12:40 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 11:11 am

I know many of you are getting dumped on. We are not. I used to brace myself for the snow we had. It was always a rush to see if the plow guy was still in business, how many feet were required before he would come out. I am the type of person that needed to have my driveway to cement, often times shoveling a few times a night.
Three years and nothing. We had about 2 inches last night.
We would be happy to take your snow.
Year in review
Posted:Dec 9, 2016 11:04 am
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2017 11:48 am

I will save all from the detailed list of 2016 but I would like to touch on the highlights.

Lots of changes came about, both good and bad. I have focused most of the year on my mental health and I can say it is paying off. I am reaching a point where I am putting myself first and not allowing people to influence my direction.

I have made a few decisions that have bit me in the ass but also some that have lead me to a spot where I am okay. Part of the year I was in a dead end relationship. Those have a tendency to suck the life out of me. When it ended, I actually had a sigh of relief.

I am no longer with the company I had been working for. It was a mutual decision and I am better for it. I have been doing consulting work but also taking time for myself.

I have surrounded myself with people who are supportive and bring positivity to my life. I hope I do the same for them.

My is doing wonderful, minus some serious health issues that she has worked hard to keep at bay.

The romantic part of my life has not changed much but that is because I have left it alone. I didn't feel I was in a place to offer anyone anything. I do not want empty encounters and hurt feelings. The therapy is helping me to helping me to identify what I really want.

I am ready for 2016 to be in my past. I am ready for what the new year may bring. I don't make resolutions but I do have ideas of where I want to be a year from now.

On a side note; I changed my user name because I no longer have the Jeep.

May your holidays be happy and safe.
1 comment
Being Single Is Hard
Posted:Sep 5, 2016 5:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2016 8:41 pm

I started my morning reading a blog a friend posted on the f book place. It really touched a nerve for me. The author wrote about the advice or comments made by people when she says she is tired of being single.
She is told; you need to be happy and comfortable with yourself to be happy in a relationship, you have to improve yourself, when you're sufficiently unbroken you'll attract a mate.
She makes a fantastic point of people in relationships are not more mentally or physically healthy than the single people. So why is it a bad thing when someone says they are tired of being lonely and miss having a partner? She goes on to discuss one of the hardest parts of being single. Lack of touch.
In her words, this is always overlooked and undervalued. There is no self sufficiency in this. None.
Maybe this is why many of us are on here. We think we are unworthy of being loved and part of a couple. Maybe it is the temporary love we seek because it allows brief human contact.
I MISS touch. I miss affectionate touch. When someone just puts their hand on my cheek, a hand on the small of my back. Rubbing my head to help me fall asleep. A kiss on my hand when we're driving down the road. All those are the things many coupled people take for granted.
Like the author, I have done the things people expect of a single person. I have created a life of independence. I have a great career. I go out when I want, I stay home when I want. I drink milk out of the carton, yep, I do. If I want, I leave my clothes in the dryer until I need them. I get new shoes, clothes, books, purses when I want. I don't have to discuss with someone. Then I am told I am too independent.
Over the years I have become less interested in the temporariness of what casual hook-ups bring. I am less interested in a few hours of pretending to be present with a stranger.
I don't want just anyone. I don't want to be with someone I don't have the same feelings for. I don't want to settle just to have the touch because would it mean anything?

So yeah, being single is hard. Sometimes it's one of the hardest things.
Posted:Sep 2, 2016 6:50 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 11:11 am

I turned 41 yesterday. I had to say it out loud a couple of times. I'm 41. I am not sure why 41 bothered me when 40 was okay with me. Maybe I am realizing I have spend so much time worrying about shit I have no control over. I have spent time trying not to hurt people's feelings, trying to be what others expect of me.
That is a lot of wasted time.
A friend posted a quote today, " don't cling to a mistake you made just because you spent a lot of time making it". It made me snort laugh. Pretty much been clinging to multiple mistakes.
Instead of new years I try to set goals around my birthday. Things I want to achieve or have happen by the next. I started that list today.
I can assure you, the mistakes I have been clinging to will be the first to go.
1 comment
The most random things come to mind
Posted:Aug 26, 2016 8:50 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 11:11 am

The brain is a funny thing. I was deeply involved in a project at work today, basically Excel hell, when all of a sudden I remembered it will be my ex-husband's birthday in 2 days. Why would I suddenly think of that when I wasn't working on anything that involved dates? We've been separated and divorced 14 years and not spoken in at least 9 years.
Maybe I should send it up to the cosmos-happy birthday JDP; hope all is well.
Married men
Posted:Aug 25, 2016 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 11:11 am

This may sound like a rant but it really is just me thinking.
I receive a couple of emails a day, along with flirts and hotlists. It is flattering and always good for the ego to see someone is interested. If you're married and flirt I take in stride. Everyone has attractions. I won't respond or reach out to you but still okay. Same goes for the hotlist.
Now the emails. My profile clearly says no married or attached. Even as a standard member who cannot view profiles, it is in the tag line. Do married men think if they email then it changes my mind? No matter how flattering the email is, I am not interested in the married guys.
I am not judging marrieds for being on here. It is a choice they are making and what will be will be. I also see there are plenty of women on here that are okay with married men.

Which now brings to mind the guys that flirt and live in another country or out of state. Why?

Just random thoughts.
I neglected my flowers
Posted:Aug 19, 2016 8:29 pm
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2016 3:34 pm

Every summer I have hanging baskets on my deck. I love them. I spend a lot of time taking care of them. I started the summer with beautiful baskets. I would come home at lunch to make sure they were not getting too much sun, I spent time after work removing dried leaves and petals.
I'm not sure when it happened but I started neglecting them. I stopped going out on the deck. I stopped looking at them. I can't explain why. Part of me thinks it may be a metaphor for how I've treated myself lately.

I am typing this and looking out my window and wondering how this happened. At what point did my self care not count. By self care I mean mental and emotional. I do shower, I don't mope around in sweats or eat tubs of ice cream.

I suppose it's too late for the flowers but not me.
1 comment
If you're in sales
Posted:Aug 14, 2016 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2016 3:34 pm

Please don't push the people in your social circles to buy from you, or try to lay on guilt when they don't. It's rude.
I purchased a truck about 2 weeks ago and last night had an acquaintance message me with a passive aggressive remark about not buying from him (he's a car salesman).
So here's the thing; I am not comfortable with an acquaintance knowing my financial business. I don't want to give you my SSN, nor do I want you to know my entire personal history.
On top of that, it is not my problem if you have not sold a car in over a month and may lose your job. You made a decision to go into your line of work just as I made one to go into mine.
So sales people out there; it's okay to give your information and let people know you're there if needed, but please don't hassle if they choose not to use your services. It's business not personal.
1 comment
Tales of rejection
Posted:Aug 9, 2016 7:42 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2016 2:06 pm

It's been awhile since I have dated and I am here to report, it still sucks. Men are confusing (women too, but I am talking men today). I don't understand showing a HUGE amount of interest only to disappear.
We had instant chemistry, we had the same sense of humor, same likes/dislikes and so on. We went out a few times, fun each time, no sex and then POOF. This was after asking me out for today, I said yes, no solid plans made so I send a message asking if still on; when and where.
Radio silence.
I don't get it. I understand too busy, I understand life happens, I understand just not feeling like going out, hell I even understand met someone else. What I don't understand is being an adult and just saying so.
Are people that inconsiderate?
WOW here we are again
Posted:Aug 7, 2016 10:59 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2016 11:29 pm

Long time for me writing and I have actually missed it.
I finally ended the crap relationship I was in. I understand the term of taking an ex back is like buying back shit you sold at a garage sale. It should have never happened, trying to go back to when it was good never happens. He was not for me the first time and certainly not the second time.
I wanted to be angry with him for how badly he treated me but in the end I realize I let him do it. So a new adventure begins. I want to be more open and try the vulnerable route. I need to stop analyzing what could go wrong and just live in the moment.

I once read a story of a women who did a year of yes. She said yes to things and people she would have always said no to. I think I am going to try this. Of course I will stay say no to anything that goes against my values or bad for me.

Has anyone reading this tried that? If so; how did it work out?
9 years
Posted:Feb 15, 2016 10:20 am
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2016 3:37 pm

Yesterday marked 9 years cancer free. I used to feel really great about it. With K's passing it seems like she was robbed. There is always the question of why her when she was so young and so much more to live.
I am not saying I am not grateful for my life. I am. I have a wonderful life, although it may seem otherwise with what I share here. I vent here, I share the negative to get rid of it.
I know I am blessed. I have wonderful family and the small amount of friends I have are amazing.

I think running into the ex at the grocery last week was a good thing. Since, I have only thought of him a couple of times and not with longing. I am making strides to let go of what and who is not good for me. In some cases who I am NOT good for. I suppose it is a purge of sorts. Every once in a while it is good to do that. It feels liberating actually.

Hawaii in 13 days, 2 hours and 20 minutes. Seattle weekend before that. I am sooooo ready for this time off!
12 days-21 hours- 40 minutes
Posted:Feb 13, 2016 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2016 6:30 pm

Not that I am counting but you know...At first I was feeling trepidation about going on a solo vacation. Now, I am more than excited! This next couple of weeks cannot go fast enough. Then I will need to slow it down while I am there.
1 comment
Life does go on
Posted:Jan 30, 2016 10:57 am
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2016 1:06 pm

Jan 28 marked a year since K's passing. Last year at this time, I wondered if my heart would stop beating. How could a person survive that kind of heartbreak. I will not say the pain gets less. When I think of the situation, the pain I feel is the same as the minute I received the call about her passing. What does change is the ability to see past that moment.
I have seen past the grief; it will never go away but I need to find a way to make her passing mean something. She would not understand or want the people she loved to wallow not matter how easy it is to do. She did not want to be known as the dying , she did not want to be the center of attention based on her illness. I choose to honor her by honoring her as a person. The baby girl who smiled all the time, the little fashionista, the bubbly of happiness, the sun we all gravitated to.
M came came home Thursday for dinner. 3 hour drive to hug her mamma and celebrate K. There were no tears, there was laughter, closeness, and love. Good things are happening in her life. She is smiling more now, she is much more free with her emotions.

I feel it is time to leave Alaska. I am starting with my solo vacation next month. I am going to Hawaii for 7 days. I plan to disconnect, I rented a place far off from the tourist but with a view of the ocean. I plan on hiking, laying on the beach, driving in a Jeep with the top off, turning off my phone, taking a real camera and listening to my inner voices.

When I return, I am making my plans and putting them in motion. Will that mean changing careers, staying in the same field different location, selling everything and traveling? I don't know but something needs to change.
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