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Coming Out - Phase 1 - paper or plastic
Posted:Jul 19, 2020 10:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2020 4:32 pm
2254 Views
Questions I pose myself in the hope that I can find my way , not in the order of importance or logic - What does it mean come out ? Does it mean that you need make a public announcement, let everyone know that this is who you are? How would I even begin compose and broadcast such a complex message? Do you owe it those that follow so they can have a better chance at self-acceptance and not grow feeling ashamed of who they are? If you are trying understand things about yourself that most of society can’t understand or doesn’t want too, are you better off just keeping things to yourself? What if you’re open with a few trusted friends and/or family so that at least there are some in your life you can talk too about important aspects of your life. Can that be enough? How many people actually share similar aspects of their personal and private lives with others? Like all of the married men that are attracted to me, would they ever want anyone to know? And (sidebar) since the answer to that question is most likely no, how could that possibly be good for me? Am I too have such a potentially huge upheaval in my life? Do I really want have this talk with my grown ? How many will reject ? How many will support ? What if I want live without fear? finally be able say this is who I am and I like who I am. I know that there are many that won’t ever accept and my unique qualities, but I also know that I sincerely attempt be a good person, that values my fellow human beings enough know that ignorance and the hatred it inspires are wrong. I do fear the people and the ignorance that might want treat like another mental case or some type of human garbage. But how can I live in fear of the very thing that has prevented me from fully loving myself. My own ignorance and hatred of self. It’s a brutal mind fuc Every time I this game I always seem land on the square that says, you will come out and you will be okay.
I feel like I need come with a plan for approaching this. It’s not like jumping into a cold lake knowing that the initial penetrating cold will eventually give way, and your mind and body will adjust fairly quickly. I know that this will not be a quick adjustment. It might be more like jumping into the water again and again and again until you finally loose that hesitation because you’ve overcome the fear. (the word that keeps coming out) I think I’ll give the idea of jumping in head first though. I know it’s not as brave and might take longer, but I think wading in slowly is more my style. Going Out is what I’ve decided to call Phase 1 of Coming Out . It’s not so much about making any declarative statements, it’s more about putting myself in situations that might create a certain level of anxiety, but will also give me an opportunity interact with others. Even if it’s just getting use to the second and third looks I might get. That I know I will get, who am I kidding. Not trying to or fool anyone. And Phase 1 is only made possible by having spent the last 2 getting use things in my own space. How can I possibly not share this striking sister brother with the larger world? That’s just talking myself up . I’m not a conceited bitch yet. And isn’t it just my luck, my initial phase will be pre-empted some degree due our little viral friend. COVID. Will I need sacrifice my vision of stepping out into a classy bar or night club for a trip to the grocery store in a mask? Entirely different aesthetic, I barely know how to dress up , let alone dress down. But I can’t wait for a vaccine, seems like a lame excuse. I guess I’ll leave it there for now. Just need to decide which grocery store to go to. My neighborhood Safeway, which seems fine given that I don’t think anyone would recognize me anyway. I just know that it won’t be Whole Foods for moral, ethical and financial considerations.
Byeeeeeee, with love and respect,
Aimee
4 Comments
Thoughts on Gender Identity = Part 3
Posted:Jun 28, 2020 2:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2020 5:15 pm
3530 Views
Who gets call themselves trans, and who gets decide? – Wikipedia Definition: Transgender people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their sex assigned at birth Some transgender people who desire medical assistance transition from one sex another identify as transsexual. Transgender, often shortened as trans, is also an umbrella term. In addition including people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex (trans men and trans women), it may include people who are not exclusively masculine or feminine (people who are non-binary or genderqueer, including bigender, pangender, genderfluid, or agender). Other definitions of transgender also include people who belong a third gender, or else conceptualize transgender people as a third gender. The term transgender may be defined very broadly include cross-dressers.
So, there you have it. At least according the -powerful, -knowing, holy grail of facts. Either it’s an umbrella term for a broad range of gender identities or it’s a more restrictive definition depending on who you talk . My opinion, it’s what you think that matters. I don’t like labels in general, and I definitely don’t like it when someone else throws one on me. Once again I avoid controversy by kind of saying, “whatever.” the more important aspect of this is about acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves and somewhat less importantly, being accepted by others, even if they find us confusing. Of course, legally it’s incredibly important. At the very least, whatever your gender identity, you need be seen as equal in the eyes of the law. And that also applies whom you choose love and if you’re really crazy, marry. And I guess having some sort of gender marker might help in the dating scene, but that’s a whole other topic that warrants a separate conversation. No one has the luxury of being fully realized by everyone, and we really don’t need to be. Acceptance, mutual respect and compassion are so much more important. Side Note: since one of the current sore spots for misidentifying gender is focused on pronouns I want to just say a few words on the subject. My opinion, I really don’t feel it’s that important. I suppose if I adopted the new lexicon, I would be a they/them...which I find incredibly awkward and frankly unnecessary, for me. If you call me him or her, it doesn’t really matter to me. I know who I am, and that’s good enough. (again, for me) If it’s important to you, that’s fine. It still falls into my general philosophy of acceptance, respect and compassion. I’ll be happy to address you how you like, but show compassion if I or others fail you.
Cross Dressing (sexual fetish or a form of personal growth) The joke goes, what’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual? Punch Line: about 2 years.
I do want to spend some time on the subject of Cross Dressing, primarily because it has a close relation to my own story and I think that it’s too often seen as a one-dimensional activity. And remember this is my story, I can’t and won’t address things that I have not been a part of my own personal experience. I only started cross-dressing a little over two years ago. It started almost by accident, I was in a sexual relationship, and the person I was seeing asked if I had ever tried cross dressing, he had other experiences with transwomen and cross dressers and he thought I would look really nice if I dressed and wore makeup. I was open to it for some reason, I guess because we had already established some trust between us. My first attempts were a disaster. It took me quite a while to find clothes that fit and watching a ridiculous amount of make-up tutorials, which I have now decided I can’t watch anymore, because……well watch a few and you’ll understand. Anyway, I don’t know why, but I was driven to get better at it, because I saw the potential. And as I got better at it, my confidence grew and I became someone that I actually liked better than what came before. It was very transformative, but I was starting to become really worried about what it meant. There was definitely a sexual aspect to it originally. And it also changed my relationship to sex. I actually felt feminine, as in softer, more giving, more sensual, just a lot of different physical and emotional changes to how I related. And not just sexually. It seemed to carry beyond my experience with my partner. I was beginning to feel more whole in other parts of my life. Like I had tapped into something that was always there, and somehow dressing unlocked that door. And as I mentioned in my first post, it also created so much anxiety that I started using drugs to dull and not deal with how I was feeling…Well as everyone knows, that’s a really good choice. So, I quickly enter therapy and try to understand this before I go over the edge and down the crystal rabbit hole. All because I happened into a lifestyle(?) that made me feel better about myself, but scared the hell out of me at the same time. I know that it’s different for different people. Some seem to be perfectly fine compartmentalizing the activity, do it in secret, some might be ashamed of it, some might not be. For me it seemed to go way beyond the sexual aspects. I really felt like it was forcing me to get in touch with a part of me that had been ignored and denied for most of my life. The best that I have been able to come up with so far is that I have always been mostly androgynous, but never felt comfortable exploring the feminine side of my personality. As I’ve said before, I’m still trying to figure it out, but the closest I can come to define my transgender identity would be that if you placed me on a scale (the spectrum) of 1 to 10, with 1 being primarily feminine, and 10 being primarily masculine, I would place myself at a 3...which really doesn’t tell you much. It’s a very broad, subjective scale, and it’s also possible that I may go back and forth. Am I Gender Fluid, Gender Queer, Androgynous? I really don’t care what I might be called. All I know is that I’m changing from what I was, to something I feel is more whole.
With love and Respect.
Aimée
Work in progress

16 Comments
Thoughts on Gender Identity = Part 2
Posted:Jun 21, 2020 5:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2020 9:35 pm
2915 Views

Okay, I thought this was going be easier, but I need start this blog with another disclaimer…This is a very complex topic, with so many different perspectives and opinions that it’s very intimidating putting my 2 cents into the mix… These are my thoughts based mostly upon my own personal experiences and observations…it is by no mean a scholarly review and assessment on the topic. While I have personally looked into things like Jungian Psychology and the concept of the Anima and the Animus, I’m intentionally leaving those theories out because I do not know enough to effectively relate them to anyone reading this, and while I find the theory helpful in my own life, it would be irresponsible to try and present it to others without a more in depth understanding…but if you’re interested, look it up….i think a lot of it rings true for me. Since this blog is written mostly to help clarify my own thoughts and maybe unravel some things that honestly confuse me, I don’t expect it to be helpful to anyone else. But if it is, cool……If not…also cool
I think the only way to really address this is from my limited pedestrian experience. So, I’ve decided to break it down into semi manageable categories in the hopes that it touches on things that seem to so often be difficult for the general public to understand, let alone accept. I often include myself in that confused state. So, I’ve decided on the following categories, not listed in order of importance, listed as they pop into my head.
1. Use of public restrooms when personal gender identity does not match what a majority of people perceive
2. Passing…a somewhat related topic to number topic 1
3. Who gets to call themselves trans in all it’s various forms, and who gets to decide who gets too (grammatically awkward, sorry)
4. Cross Dressing – sexual fetish or a form of personal growth(yes?)
5. Coming Out or Not
6. The Spectrum
7. The Alt Right and the belief that trans people are personified proof that our society is crumbling and cannot afford to accommodate this made up lifestyle. (the best for last)
So, I think that’s all I can handle right now…I can not adequately address topics like gender dysphoria or the feeling that a person was categorized inaccurately at birth because their genitals were the only litmus test for naming them either a boy or a girl. These are not part of my personal experience and should be for others to explain.. And while I think the general public does have a difficult time understanding someone going through transition and how that must feel, I have heard so many touching and eloquently relayed personal experiences that I’m sure that there must be an article or other blog that does a good job with that topic. If you know of any, please let me know….i’d love to be able to reference something for people that don’t understand and might benefit from some accounts of real life experiences. And as I review my list, I think I might need to do a Part 3 and maybe even a 4th. We’ll see how it goes
Public Restrooms – short answer….let this fight go for now….. I understand that it’s seen as one of our most obvious needs and how it could be a major issue related to a person’s basic human dignity….let it go…..not completely, but as an issue that warrants special legislation, it’s a loser from the get go….i see it used again and again to make us out to be perverts and monsters…You’ve seen the ads….a little girls goes into a public restroom and is followed by the most pedophilic character central casting could find that claims she’s a woman….end commercial….you just got beat down by the haters, and they know it.. There are some things that are achievable now and some that will need to come later….start with new facilities and old ones that can easily either incorporate a separate mixed use, 1 person at a time, or something that doesn’t put people so on edge….I can understand why a woman would be uncomfortable sharing this private space with what she perceives to be a man….we have not advanced as a culture to where that concern is unwarranted….so baby steps…..work at it over time, but be gentle with others that feel threatened.
Passing…..damn, this is a tough one for me….because I actually feel sort of like a hypocrite. I’ve been told that I look passable…which BTW is totally untrue…I’m 6’1, and walk like an old man on my bad days…..i might be able to work on my walk, but I don’t know if I want to carry my act that far…Yes, it would be nice to be passable, to avoid the scrutiny of unaccepting eyes, but that is the luxury that most of us are not born with….And I said act earlier….do I really want to be an act…a good imitator that values blending in, over what’s inside and carry that on the outside…I’m still in the middle of trying to figure this out.. What I don’t want to do is develop my outward presentation as my stereotypical idea of a what a great looking woman looks like, …or do I?????? Bottom line, most of us will never pass….for those that are more part time cross dressers and don’t present in public, not really an issue…but I want to go out, I want to flaunt what I’ve got and be seen as at least interesting and unique if not beautiful…So, passing should not matter, but it can be safer at this point in time if you do….better a cat call than a bat across your face. This really sucks…I think that we need a major shift in our particular version of pride….you can be gay and usually not have it be an issue, if you want. Same with other forms of sexuality that don’t draw attention, but trans folk are in a different camp….so I think we need something more like our version of James Brown’s “Say it loud, I’m black and I’m Proud”! I’m personally not a huge fan of “We’re here, We’re Queer, Get used to it”! No punch, starts off good, but ends with a kind of snippy entitlement vibe..i’ve been hooked on French phrases lately, and maybe we could take “vive la différnces” (long live the differences) and tweak it a little. “ vive toutes nos différences” (long live all our differences)
That’s it, my head hurts…to be continued again………
With love and respect, Aimée
2 Comments
Thoughts on Gender Identity
Posted:Jun 13, 2020 2:36 am
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2020 5:17 pm
3178 Views
Sub Title: She’s so………wait for it……….Heavy (Abbey Road ring a bell?)
Okay. I want state from the very beginning that the following opinions are mine alone….and they very well may be as flawed as I am in general. So please If whatever I end writing here really sets you off or you have a better way of looking at the matter….please let know….I am by no means an expert the topic, nor even my own place within the spectrum of gender identity… this is just trying figure my thing out. And it already begins…..”what spectrum, what the hell … either you’re a man or a woman!” “or an attack helicopter!” always funny………………………………..I’m screwed.
First, a little comment about the state of mental health care and how much it’s really needed…..I tried talk about some of these things with a therapist, but I was only able meet with her once a month, because that’s what my insurance would allow…..so we probably spent a third of our counseling session trying figure out what privately sponsored or publicly funded support group I could join. 45 minutes once per month might not be enough for my overwhelming drive figure out why I was having a fundamental shift in how I perceived myself…not a big deal…”are you sure we can’t convince you that you might benefit from medication”…ease that pain…it’ll be fine…Sorry, I tried self-medicate when of this started….it’s the main reason I sought help initially because I was having a real tough time with it…But fortunately I’ve been able to clear myself from that exit strategy.. So, since I haven’t found the right support group yet, this is now my therapy…writing my own self-help book…..all footnotes provided by knowledgeable readers are welcome…I’ll even include the best in my book.
And to just tie this into current events…”defund the police” does not mean get rid of the police…..it means take some of the enormous amounts of money being used to staff and militarize the police and have it go towards professional support services geared towards effectively and humanely resolving complex social problems….including mental health, drug addiction, domestic violence, and yes poverty, that war is still far from over. The list goes on and on related to the issues that would be better served by a different type of intervention…It makes so much f’ing sense to me. But I’m a crazy person. Will I end up in a cell because I wasn’t able to self-help my way out of drug abuse, roughed up by cops because they’re so fed up with dealing with another junkie, or in a treatment program that actually helps me overcome my struggles at the source, not at the end of a needle.
Now for the lighter side…because I find the current state of affairs regarding Gender Identity to often be strangely humorous, and also very sad at the same time. Come on, please...can we stop taking ourselves so seriously…..what do I care that some fellas like to dress up as dames, even when they themselves admit they can sometimes look a little ridiculous. That some feel that they’re a different sex then the one assigned them at birth…or like myself who believe that each human being may have personality/gender traits that have varying degrees of both classic male and female attributes….that prefer the more expressive styles and looks that woman get to with over the monotone presentation of the straight male…who can have a high level of emotional intelligence but are also very adept at figuring out spatial relationships,,,,,, not a big deal people…let’s stop repressing who we are and what we might want to be and let it flow for a while….it’s messy now because I believe we’re pretty much ruled by certain tenants that give many people comfort and helping them to know their place in the world. Great, Wonderful, or to quote Napoleon Dynamite, “Lucky” No one’s out to take that away….we have way more people on the planet then it can easily support….why not celebrate the difference within the non-breeder population. How can we be god’s if how we choose present in the world is seen as less than human….the world will not end because my mascara or yours is running…there will still be plenty of new life brought into the world….nature won’t be stopped because I end falling in love with another Tgirl….and after you’re done telling us how we are going hell….you have admit, we’re hella cute!
Okay, I went off the rails here and rambled …I still have more things say this. But this gets be too long. no one will read it. Closing down for now.
Parting Thought “ even if you’re in the “all lives matter” camp…try take a little time give people of color some time feel supported in this moment….when we can finally end racism the point where people of color feel equally safe, equally heard, equally respected.. support them in this moment….and as I said earlier….keep in mind that the list is long, mental health, drug abuse, poverty, income inequities, trans rights……focus on the moment and save your strength because we need work of it….
Aimee,
Departing soap box
8 Comments
Illusions
Posted:Jun 8, 2020 6:51 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2020 8:27 pm
3197 Views
Both Sides Now

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Joni Mitchell

So, here I go, writing my very first blog ever. And how do I start. by using the words of someone else, one of my dearest allies, although she has no idea how much her words have touched me over so many years, so many lifetimes. She wrote that song, Both Sides Now, sometimes called Clouds, when she was the wise old age of 21. How is that even possible? I first heard it when I was 14. It seems like it touches a more innocent and optimistic time of my life, since that’s when I first heard it, and for some reason I believe that I might have come back to that time full circle. But now, I get to experience it through a fuller and more complete lens as Aimee. And unlike Joni, I was not ahead of my time, so only now am I beginning to grasp the true meaning and depth of those lyrics. For me it took a few lifetimes and coming across an entirely new way of perceiving myself in the world. I don’t expect most here to understand what that means, but if you’re interested. I’m hoping that I can try and explain over time. Big Disclaimer - I’m still trying to figure it out myself. One last thought on this….Joni recorded this song more than once, when was very young, and then much later in her life. And even though the lyrics did not change, you can tell by the difference in the two versions she has. Of course, we all do. Life is difficult, you can’t change that. Might as well be brave, be fierce, be confident, but realize it’s probably another illusion. Choose wisely, but never be afraid to choose.
I’ve struggled with what to write here. This is “AdultFriendFinder” after all…Probably not too many, if any people will read what I decide to write, because I’m not trying to enhance or exploit my sexual cache, it’s my first attempt at trying to figure out why I’m even here in the first place. I hate to disappoint, but I don’t think I’m here to broaden my sex life or find yet another partner, although I’m an incurable romantic so who knows. I’ve been on this site for only 5 weeks, granted a memorable 5 weeks due to an ongoing pandemic (another awful “C” word) and major, significant social unrest. During which time I have connected with more people than I could imagine who seem to like the way I present myself. It has been very disorienting to be popular. And it’s all because I have decided to let Aimee out into the world. And she likes it. Forgive me if I sound schizophrenic, but this is relatively new to me and I still project a male side and a female side…on here you will only meet my female persona. The truth is that I am much more androgynous then either extreme. But my female attributes and inclinations have been closeted and unrealized for so long, that I need to give them more time and energy to find my true balance. Back to why I am here. First, thank you all who have been so nice and appreciative. It seems like the only negative responses that I have received have been directed at my social/political comments. And that’s fine too. My only request is that if you feel I am wrong, naive, another liberal snowflake or whatever, please don’t do the hit and run, talk to me. Make me understand why I’m so wrong and you are right. So, I am here to connect, mainly to connect with people that truly have at least some understanding of my previous statements. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, trans, other, but if you want the focus to only be around sex, then I would rather pass. Before Aimee, I use to pretend that I could figure things out on my own, given enough time. I don’t believe that anymore. I need to connect, to talk, to cry, to laugh and maybe become friends with a few. I think that’s enough for now. Welcome to my illusion.
Aimee

7 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Illusions (8)Jdhot4Tg
Sep 20, 2020 9:57 am
Thoughts on Gender Identity = Part 3 (18)hardCock4w
Sep 6, 2020 11:50 am
Coming Out - Phase 1 - paper or plastic (4)orlandofun7
Aug 12, 2020 12:46 am
Thoughts on Gender Identity = Part 2 (4)annelye
Jun 22, 2020 12:54 am
Thoughts on Gender Identity (10)luvtofuk1965
Jun 15, 2020 4:54 am