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BlondeWifeMom37 44F
224 posts
9/24/2014 8:20 am

I went to bed last night frustrated and disappointed…. sad…. My friend, time, thankfully gave me the ability to think through some things that initially had my damper up.

First you need to realize that it takes a lot to make me react or get “mad”. I am the classic control freak and temper tantrums or emotional displays are a weakness or sign of immaturity to me. NO, it’s not the behavior of a passionate person.. for those of you who want to toot that horn. I am a very intense and passionate person. But I have taught myself how to be reserved and contained. Yes, my inner circle see the more flamboyant expressiveness in me, but again.. I always remain in control.

What I have been struggling with most lately is how many people lie to me. I am the most open, accepting, non-judgemental person. What I have realized is I take it personally. I am not talking about all the white little lies or secrets we keep upon initially meeting another. I am talking about the ones kept or unshared from a lover or deep confidante. I cannot grasp the need to HIDE things from me.

The other angle to this is.. and it is my greatest weakness. Men I apologize now.. But ALL men let me down. It is not a matter of if, but when. OHHH believe me I have analyzed the hell out of this. Initially I assumed my expectations were just too high. I had an ideology in my head of what a real man embodies and I just waited for every man out there to fall short. But with age and wisdom, as my social skills and understanding of how we function, think, act, react have all developed. I too matured in my vision of a man and realistic behaviors.

This achilles heel of mine had caused me to put up a fortress wall around my innerself. Initially as a way of protection. Then as a tool to see just how hard a man would work to break through. How bad did he want the real me. It was my unpronounced challenge. My stick to which I began measuring all men. When they fell short… I reveled in the satisfaction of having not given them enough of me to really matter in the end. They hadn’t truly earned it, I would console myself with.

Now if it wasn’t for the fact that I need a man. Realize I say that in a way that does not by any means state I am not complete without one. Because let me be the first to tell you that the only person in this world who will ever make you thoroughly happy and satisfied, is yourself. If you cannot find and figure that part of you out.. You are going about life ass backwards. Along with that you have to have faith. Hate to throw that in here of all places.. but it truly is the core. With that said… The icing on my cake is someone to share -me -with. That someone who I have no walls, no challenges, no expectations.. they know every transparent layer of me. Complete freedom.

Through all of this I have gained one hell of a sense of intuition. In part I have always had a sixth sense when it comes to people. Granted that skill often makes me “sort” them quickly as to where they will fall in my life. IE: friend, lover, acquaintance, or someone I care to not ever make contact with again. Is this someone I care to spend one afternoon or evening of my life with engaged in brilliant conversation, laughs and gaining an understanding of them, their passions, interest, experiences and company. Or in essence.. not worth my time.

What spurs me the most however are the ones that sneak through my grid. When I fall unsuspecting to a conniving, cunning, selfish man. If you want to see my temper flare.. make a fool of me, lie to me or take advantage of my generosity.. My gift of the real, unedited me. All wounded animals fight back, it’s nature. How they do it is unique to each one. I internalize. I seldom lash out. I coil up and hide in my shell.. the temperature will drop into the ice age.

I am a women with a sharp tongue I know, but I am also a women of strength. I have learned how to use my brain and not my emotion to process. I spent my evening thinking through all of these irritating things that had me frustrated and sad. Reminding myself that the freedom I have found in being open and expressive, is so much more rewarding than the cold dark shadows of my previous box. I reminded myself that no one has taken advantage of me, I gave freely. I did so without expecting in return. That was the deal I made with myself not so long ago. To live, enjoy, experience and let go.

My conclusion at some point in the past few hours came to be just that…. it is better to have lived and learned, than to have not at all.. the classic cliche’. I am not sure if we just live in a society that has become blind and accepting of the attitudes and behaviors of others. Frankly I am appalled at how most women let others treat them. I understand the multitude of reasons.. But what I cannot wrap my mind around right now is why people search and crave certain things, but when served up to them on a platter, they push it away. Have we become so oblivious to the simpleness of our desires that we cannot enjoy them now? Are we numb due the constant mental shut down we enable to be in these situations, but not allowed to feel or “know” the other.

That is my only reasoning. We choose to allow or accept the other persons behaviors/mannerisms/lies because as a society, as a slut, as a woman I have no real other options. I cannot experience if I am locked behind a closed door. Therefore, when outside I am afflicted by the elements. Damn.. that makes me like all the other women I want to shake for being so sedated and lifeless..

Maybe the other women actually know something I do not… Maybe they already have come to their senses and have resorted to defeat. But I won’t. I cannot. I am not programmed that way. I am forever an optimist, I smile and live, I laugh, I enjoy life and people… I will not succumb to the trap that seems to loom outside every door. I would not be here if I did.

So how in the end do we reroute this inevitable reality?… Forgiveness? oh.. but that is thrown about so damn easily. Yes it is a necessity. But way to easy to ask for forgiveness than permission. Honestly, I keep going back to I missed something in these people. That I, not them, let my own self down. I let my guard down freely, just to soon. I chose to live and enjoy without really knowing who I was getting in the pool with. Maybe it is ok to still live but with some life preservers… and not be afraid to throw the fuckers who are pissing us off out of the pool. That’s what we have lifeguards for right?

wavelet11 43M
6 posts
10/23/2014 8:28 pm

If it's any consolation, it works just the same way for men. All women eventually let us down, it's just a matter of time. I kind of think it works that way for everyone, nobody's perfect. No matter what you do you can be sure to piss off anyone from time to time.

GrtFriend2See 49M  
76 posts
9/27/2014 7:24 am

It sounds like you need a soundproof room with a punching bag, a bed, and a freezer full of ice cream. Someplace you can scream your head off without alarming the neighbors. Do a little anger management on the punching bag. Curl up on the bed and have a good cry. Maybe a little more screaming, a few tears, the punching bag again......... Once you get it all out, some ice cream as a reward.

I know I threw in a few stereotypes that may not directly apply but there is a certain amount of truth to all of it. Everyone needs to vent on occasion. Considering the number of idiots and assholes we all deal with on a daily basis. Screw political correctness, screw being polite. FUCK YOU, you worthless piece of human excrement.

Now that we're done with the venting part.

The hard part is finding the balance between intellect and emotion. The truth is, I can't answer that question for anyone but myself. I think with my head, not my heart. Some would say that makes me cold? If that's their opinion? So be it. But while they're feeling sorry for someone, I'm looking for a solution. It's the difference between giving a man a fish or teaching him how to fish. As for faith? There's far to little of it.

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