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Friends With Benefits
Posted:Oct 10, 2015 2:23 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2021 8:07 am
9800 Views

One hears this term bandied about a great deal in everyday life - sometimes in normal conversation, sometimes in hushed tones – but few truly know the definition of it. Some try to live what they think it might be, what they believe it is, what they feel it should be, but in the end most – if not all – fail miserably. Why? Because they forget the core principles of the dynamic. They forgot the friendship. Too many of them turn it into a relationship, often forgetting the real dynamic.

This cannot happen.

Let’s break it down: Friend With Benefits.


First word: “Friend.” Friend: noun 1) A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations; 2) A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts; 3) A person whom one knows; an acquaintance; 4) A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade; 5) One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement.


Hmmm. So, from what I’m gathering from this definition, this dynamic starts with a pair of people who like/trust one another, who share mutual affection, who know each other, and/or who are allied on a struggle or cause, or who are comrades. *nods slowly, pondering* I can understand where that could/would work. It’s rather difficult to be Friends with Benefits if one cannot stand the other person. Moving on...

Now, we all know what the word “with” means, so I won’t get into defining it. I will, however, skip over it and turn My attention to the word “Benefits,” and what it means in this particular situation.



Benefits: noun 1) An advantage or profit gained from something; 2) Something that promotes or enhances well-being; an advantage; 3) A kindly deed; 4) To be helpful or useful to; 5) Something that improves or promotes.



How interesting. A benefit appears to be a good thing, afterall. It actually appears to be something that would be good for all those involved, doesn’t it? ‘Twould seem so.

So, from what we’ve learned thus far, Friends with Benefits appears to be a good, decent, solid thing, beneficial to all those who would partake from the arrangement. Correct? At least by definition. Now, let’s look at the dynamics of it; let’s look at what it IS and what it IS NOT, shall we?

(For the sake of this comparison, the Friends with Benefits dynamic will be referred to as FWB from this point forward.)

FWB is NOT:


A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship

A committed relationship, in the traditional sense

A monogamous relationship (unless otherwise communicated and agreed upon)

A polyamorous relationship (unless otherwise communicated and agreed upon)

Dating, a relationship, or even casual dating

A one night stand

Likely to move into actual romantic relationship territory

Interested in romantically dating each other

Real dates are not initiated because there is no romantic interest between the partners

Clingy, demanding, or stalker-ish

Ownership

Marriage




FWB is:


Loaded with Communication (to the nth degree)

Open (unless otherwise discussed)

Between Friends, Ex-partners, etc (the combinations are endless)

No Commitments, no romance, is void or greatly lacking jealousy and other such emotions that usually come with a serious relationship

Really good, long, flirty conversations

Sex without commitment

An Arrangement where either party can start dating someone else at any time WITH prior warning

About being able to talk about each other’s dating lives

Sex can even be an optional part of the relationship

The intention of hanging out is because you enjoy similar activities and each other’s company

Having the ability to go out on date-like activities

If one partner has sex outside of the relationship, it does not end their friendship. Instead, the sex element is taken out of the relationship and they continue to be friends. Sex can also come back into the friendship when both parties are ready for it

Calling to just talk or make plans to hang out

The ability to have sex with each other without it being awkward because they either have a good foundation for their relationship and/or communicate really well with each other




Now, these are the basics of an FWB dynamic. Inside each dynamic are hundreds, if not thousands, of negotiations that must happen in order to tailor-make that dynamic to that particular set of friends. What may work for one pair may not work for another, even though the framework is identical.

What kills most FWB dynamics is lack of communication. Fancy that! That happens to kill most gf/bf, gf/gf, and bf/bf relationships as well! Not only that, but the indifference and lack of interest that goes along with it lubricates that knife rather well as it slips between the ribs and into one’s heart.

Another method of killing the dynamic is when one person wants more than what was originally agreed or negotiated upon. Pushing for more from an unwilling partner can shatter any bonds that may be present in a matter of moments, causing distrust, resentment, and massive amounts of anger.

FWB can be a wonderful and fulfilling set-up for those who are willing to work hard for the arrangement. For those who believe that they can skate around the rules, who believe that the rules don’t or shouldn’t apply to them, it can be a slippery and treacherous slope, leading to nothing more than a hard fall at the end and a nasty taste in one’s mouth. It is an arrangement that requires effort from all parties involved, just as in good old-fashioned friendship itself, and can bestow upon those involved treasures beyond imagining. It can strengthen the friendship, deepen bonds, create more lasting friendships where they may have not existed to begin with.

A word of caution, though. Friends with Benefits is NOT for the faint of heart, nor for the foolish, the vain, the conceited, the selfish, or those who are not ready to see their own souls reflected back at them. It takes a certain strength, a certain character, a certain breed of person to exists within this arrangement and to make it work. Those of us who have walked this path on several occasions bear the scars, as badges of honor, pride, or shame for having survived something so profound, so amazing, so vital and moving. One cannot be needy, greedy, clingy, unsteady in one’s emotions, heartless, careless, a user, underhanded, manipulative. One MUST be brutally honest, forthright, heartfelt, willing to work on and with your own emotions, Loyal, honorable, comforting, gentle and fierce at the same time.

Friends with Benefits is a mutually beneficial agreement, designed for the maximum comfort of all parties involved. It is NOT a relationship. It is NOT a marriage. It is NOT a commitment. It does NOT give either party the right to ask or demand from each other displays of affection or more attention than what was agreed upon or what is comfortable. It IS quite simply two people who like each other, who are friends, who are attracted to each other, and who agree to (continue) having sex.

Upsetting that deck of cards can cause it to all fall apart.
1 comment
One of My Favorite Quotes
Posted:Jun 6, 2016 1:38 pm
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2016 8:17 am
5794 Views

Men, you say you want a strong, intelligent, truly independent woman who wants you rather than needs you, who inspires you, who pushes you towards being yourself, who can stick by you through the hardest times, and who can be your rock through life's obstacles.

But you need to know that a truly strong, independent woman does not walk through life with her heart wide open. She has had to put up walls to block toxicity to obtain her strength. She is skeptical and always on alert from a lifetime of defense against predators. She is going to be a bit jaded, a little cynical, and a little scary because those qualities come with the struggle of obtaining that strength that gravitates you. She is going to doubt and question your good intentions because it has become her adaptability instincts that have allowed her to thrive.

She is not a ball of sunshine. She has flaws. She has a past. She has her demons. She knows better than to just let down her barriers for you simply because you voice a desire to enter. You have to prove your right of entrance. She will assume the worst of you because the worst has happened. If you want her to see otherwise, prove her wrong.

― Maggie Young
0 Comments
Complacency Kills
Posted:Oct 15, 2021 10:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2022 7:57 pm
322 Views

Don't tell me I'm hard on myself.
Don't tell me I need to give myself a break.
Don't tell me I need to relax.
Don't tell me how to fix my life.
Don't feed me lines, however well-meaning.

Yes, I've been through some shit. A lot of it, actually.
Yes, I've made some shitty choices. A lot of them, actually.
Yes, I've had some rough patches in life.
Yes, I've had shitty relationships with shitty people.

I own my shit. All of it. Time and again.
No one is harder on me than me.
I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life.
They don't look me in the eye every morning, every night, and live with the decisions I make.
They aren't the ones fighting for my survival.

I am.

And unless you're willing to get into The Pit and fight alongside me, shut the fuck up.
0 Comments
If You're Gonna Use A Label...
Posted:Oct 13, 2021 8:44 am
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2022 7:57 pm
360 Views

gay
adjective
(of a person) homosexual (used especially of a man).
"the city's gay and lesbian people"
noun
a homosexual person (typically referring to a man).
"the capital is a popular destination for gays and lesbians from all over the world"
(Oxford Languages)

Gay is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term originally meant 'carefree', 'cheerful', or 'bright and showy'. While scant usage referring to homosexuality dates to the late 19th century, that meaning became increasingly common by the mid-20th century.
(Wikipedia)

Walk with me... walk with me...

bisexual
adjective
sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender; attracted to both men and women
noun
a person who is sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender.
(Oxford Languages)

Bisexuality is an attraction to more than one gender. Those who identify as bisexual feel a sexual and/or romantic attraction to people of a different gender as well as their own. While this offers a basic definition, bisexual people are a diverse group. Each individual perceives their sexual orientation differently.
(WebMD)

Keep walking... keep walking... keep walking... we are almost done...

demisexual
adjective
Feeling sexual attraction towards another person only after establishing an emotional bond with that person
noun
Person who feels sexual attraction towards another person only after establishing an emotional bond with that person
(Merriam-Webster)

A little further now... trust me...

sapiosexual
Adjective
(of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
"I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual"
noun
a person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
"I'm a sapiosexual and I like to talk"
(Oxford Languages)

Sapiosexuality means that a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner. It is a relatively new word that has become more popular in recent years. Both LGBTQ+ people and heterosexual people may identify as sapiosexual.
(WebMD)

Ok, knowing how much I don't like labels I offer this up to you.

I find intelligence (and humor) super sexy and a highly desirable trait, and find it increases attraction. And it doesn't necessarily have to be book smarts, either.

Bonds, super-strong bonds (usually emotional), need to be formed with people before I'm sexually attracted to them. This can happen almost immediately (the "click") or it can take time. It depends on the person.

Men and women are both attractive to me, as partners, however, personality wins out over gender more often than not.

Are these labels or descriptors? Does it matter when someone pigeonholes you when you know they know better? If you are demi-, bi- or sapio-sexual (or anything else) and someone tells some random person that you're gay, should it really matter??

Is it mislabeling, even though you don't do labels?
Is it misspeaking, despite them knowing the real you?
Is it a freudian slip, their subconscious way of distancing themselves from you?

When you them their "misstep", they dance around it like Fred Astaire, using phrases like "it comes across as" and "it would seem" and "it looks like" and saying "it's just a word." Right.

Frankly, this to me is like telling someone a person is crazy when they are simply bipolar or abused.
0 Comments
Compliments
Posted:Jun 7, 2021 12:48 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2022 10:05 am
618 Views

Over the course of my life, I've heard a LOT of compliments. (And more than my fair share of insults.)

It's taken almost 30 years for me to re-learn how to accept most of the compliments I hear with some semblence of grace.

Except one.

Any compliment involving a version of the phrase "you're pretty."

Why? Because it often opens up into something backhanded: "You're pretty ugly... pretty fat... pretty nasty... pretty this... pretty that..." Once it gets to that portion of the program, I'm pretty fucking pissed off.
1 comment
Par for the Course
Posted:Dec 16, 2020 12:39 am
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2020 1:25 am
1081 Views

Jason32861: Would you still be willing to wear a strap on dildo

Me: There's never been any doubt about whether not I'd be willing to wear one. It's a powerful feeling to do so.
The question should be: would I still be willing to wear a strap on with you?
The answer is: I don't know you well enough. Just as I don't know you well enough to allow you to do the same act to me. One doesn't just go around stuffing cocks in asses.


Jason32861: Ok.

Well I'm not chatting with women so they can use my fantasy against me or be uptight with me

This us a sex site and your supposed to be allowed to have some fun I thought you were attractive and might be fun to chat with.but I've met women and people all my life who just want to block anyone from having any kind of fun.i have no issue with just sticking with one women to like if I have enough things I like about them.but I don't want to be messed with about what I like or a woman talk down to me just because she dosnt know me

I can't make any woman talk to me on this site about sex or nonsexual things.i message ladies such ad you in my own attempt to see someone I'm attracted to and see if they'll reply.im not here to give anyone a tough time. I know the site I'm on I know it says its sexual and the only reason I message them us because I am honestly attracted ir interested. And will get to know the female.ifthey let me keep talking with them.im bithere to mess people around

If it bothers you so bad that people want to chat about sex than maybe you shouldn't reply to them or block them sorry


Me: Wow.
Just wow.
You asked me a question.
I gave you an honest (blunt and to the point) answer.
And suddenly, it's become a trigger, one worthy enough to warrant a lecture because I happened to have slapped your pee-pee when I didn't sugarcoat my words.
Should have listened to the klaxon that blared inside my skull the first time you messaged me.


Jason32861: Whys there a klaxon cause people luke you and this site have a way of harassing peoples private information on this site maybe thats why you just know bad things about people before they ever even chatted lol
0 Comments
Typical
Posted:Oct 19, 2020 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2022 10:08 am
1289 Views

The Conversation:

mysterygypsy:
Wonderful pics, i'd be into you using my mouth to milk the cum out of you
LOVE giving oral, let know, peace
(insert picture of handsome, long-haired, tattooed guy on beach)

Me:
Thanks. And thanks for the offer. Not into random fucks, even if they have interesting ink. Good luck.


mysterygypsy:

Lol, ok then...
I'm sure you'll find "quality" men where you are.

Me:
Thanks a bunch and right back at ya!

mysterygypsy:
Welcom, miserable bitch!

EDIT:
Received the following after this blog was posted---

mysterygypsy:
fuck off

_____________________________________________________________________________
And with that, he blocked . Hm. Fancy that.

You see, this has become the typical reaction I receive when I refuse acquiesce requests along these lines. If I'm not easy, I'm a "miserable bitch." When I respond any of the messages and IMs here, I keep in mind: A) this site is nothing more than an online bar scene and I need treat it accordingly, B ) I don't have hook with everyone who slithers, slides, or slinks into my inbox or IM, and C) whatever bullshit is projected onto is nothing more than what someone is feeling about themselves. In this case, I am not the miserable bitch, this mysterygypsy is.

Just remember: A slut will sleep with anyone; A bitch will sleep with anyone except you.
1 comment
You Say You're Not THAT Guy
Posted:Oct 22, 2018 11:45 am
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2018 10:56 am
1389 Views

Ok.
So you say you're not THAT guy.
I don't know that.
You could tell me you're not THAT guy until you're blue in the face and tired of hearing it.
I don't KNOW that.
Do you watch the news?
Actually WATCH it?
Actually pay attention to something other than sports and the weather and the anchorwoman's tits?
Did you see the story about the dude who chopped up his date he met off the internet and put her body parts in separate recycling bins AFTER they went out on a date to a Mariners game?
Did you??
Did you imagine that happening to your friend, your sister, your , your niece, your mom?
Did you talk to them about being careful, about exercising caution when meeting dates, about how to take care of themselves?
Do you still worry about them when they do go out?
Do you look at people differently when they approach women you care about?
You do, don't you?

Are you still going to try to convince me to stop being cautious?
To stop listening to the voices of the concerned men in my life, telling me what to look out for, how to be careful, how to exercise caution when meeting dates, how to take care of myself?

If you're not THAT guy, then stop being THAT guy.
0 Comments
It's There in Red and White
Posted:Jul 22, 2018 12:45 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2022 10:13 am
1614 Views

DON'T: Lie to me, lead me on, use me, feed me a bullshit line then disappear, make plans with me then stand me up.

I was raised that if a person makes plans with you, you stick to those plans, barring any mitigating circumstances. I get life happens.

You are on time, unless you inform the person waiting on you that you will be late. Then, you give a timeframe. If you say you're going to be somewhere at 1700, on the fucking nose, then be there... at 1700... ON THE FUCKING NOSE. Don't show up 34 minutes after the fact and get all pissy because I'm not waiting around with my heart on my sleeve. Not going to happen. Especially since there wasn't a phone call (or text or carrier pigeon or smoke signal or signal flare or Morse Code or or or) letting me know you were running just a wee bit behind.

If you make the date, you pay for it, unless going Dutch is prearranged.

If you are way too late, and your date is not there because you missed the timeframe, you are the one who is at fault and owe the apology. It is also your responsibility to correct your error by making it up to the person you've wronged by either rescheduling or by meeting up with that person where they are at when you've finally managed to contact them. (Note: Best way to eat crow is with lots of BBQ sauce.)

It is not a sign from the Universe saying the two of you shouldn't be together, or that you live too far apart, or some other bullshit-laden response from the Universal Fuckstick Playbook. Those are all copouts, excuses, rife with a distinct lack of accountability and personal responsibility. I can't speak for these other females, but I know I have had enough of shit like that.
1 comment
This May Not Be Match.com...
Posted:Jun 16, 2018 12:49 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2022 10:15 am
1667 Views

Look, I get it.

This isn't Match.com, or ChristianMingle, or any other traditional dating website.

This is advertised: "Hookup, Find Sex, or Meet Someone Hot Now."

I get it that most folks on here are only here to get their dicks wet, or see how many paintbrushes can fit on their canvasses, or how many notches they can add to their bedposts and lipstick cases. Whatever floats their boat, melts their margarine, blows their dress up.

I'm not that kind of person. I prefer something more... long-term.

I see this site as something like a bar: dingy, no windows, smoky, complete with questionable tables and sticky floors. Many go to a bar with the sole purpose of drinking and picking up a piece of ass (or three). I go for good food, to hang out with friends, maybe pool or darts, occasionally to watch my friends have fun on karaoke night, and strike up a conversation if someone catches my eye (that's a bonus).

Much like a bar, this site is a tool to be used, not the end-all-be-all (it is not the only place to meet people, but the only one it seems that is "socially acceptable" to show your nether regions to someone and not get your ass kicked). If a person chooses to use it to find a compatible companion, then that's their choice. If they wish to use it to find their next series of conquests, again, their decision.

Who is to judge how another finds their passion and sexual gratification, not to mention a companion who may share these?
2 Comments
Take the Time
Posted:Aug 9, 2017 7:37 pm
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2018 7:39 pm
3042 Views

I was told recently that I needed to have a personality, that I was getting old and fat, and that I needed to watch my attitude or I was going to end up bitter and alone.

By a 29-year-old male.

Because I educated him on the fact that the answers to his questions were on my profile, in plain sight, where I was pretty sure he could read them.

*sighs and rubs my face*

Look. I get that I have a lot of information on my profile. It's a great deal of literature to read through. Believe you me, it was a chore to type up. However, it's there for a reason. It's there so neither one of us will waste time asking questions that can be answered by spending 5 minutes reading through it.

I take the time to look through profiles before I ask questions, out of respect for myself and perhaps the person I'm speaking to, because I know what it feels like to repeat the same bit of information over and over and over.

Or is that asking too much?
0 Comments

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