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I'm In A Weird, Dark Place...  

Drinkurwater 39F
20 posts
3/25/2019 4:53 am
I'm In A Weird, Dark Place...

I'm writing you from this unfamiliar and dark territory that seems unmapped, unfamiliar, and a tad bit terrifying. Ironically I'm also writing to you while a man is sleeping peacefully as possible as he can with an ear infection. He isn't a boyfriend, or my husband, he's a friend - a friend with benefits. I'd settled comfortably into a routine with three men who all knew of each other, and of the requirements and expectations: no feelings, no commitment, and that there were more than one of them.

Unfortunately my first (beautiful, sensitive, caring) connection was a tall, dark, handsome man who got his probation revoked (weed, of all things!) and is currently sitting in jail somewhere definitely not sleeping with me. The second was closest in age and has his life mostly in order (a CNA with a weird roommate and a dad who thinks I'm sketchy) - this is the man snoring here behind me while I type quietly as possible on a laptop. The third... ugh. Getting over a similar breakup with a manipulative partner who made us feel like everything was our fault, he crept in and became my best friend. We laugh and smile and went to a wedding, we relapsed on our demons, then cast them out immediately after. This man is who I'm trying to navigate some sort of friendship without falling into that hole called a Rebound. Rebounds are for those you don't really care about and can fuck up a relationship, then move on. Rebounds are a hail mary before you realize you have to change yourself in order to move forward. Rebounds aren't for best friends, or even people with half a moral compass as you.

So here I am, in this titled Weird, Dark Place. It's my bedroom. The things that happen here are vanilla compared to this entire site, but in my life where I dictated the rules - weird and dark is all I can think of. I don't mean dark in a negative or sad way - they're simply unfamiliar. People who care, who think of me before themselves, people who want to build me up and make me better simply by letting me see my potential - what the fuck?! This isn't a relationship I'm used to, and it scares me. I have had to reflect on myself so many times that I feel like I'm in a funhouse. I see these distorted, different images of my body, my mind, my soul - but they're all better. They're reflections of who I could be, how I could change, what I could do with myself. This isn't what I signed up for when I looked for fuck buddies.

The human soul is a strange thing. It wants one thing, requires another, but asks for something completely different. I'm not sure anymore. I'm turned upside down, I'm on a rollercoaster, I have a wristband for the whole park but I don't know where to head first. All I wanted was some simple attention, a warm body next to me, a few minutes to feel wanted. Instead I got three incredible friends who all have different attributes and personalities that have only improved my outlook on myself, my life, and my relationships. I've learned so much about myself and I've taught one how to love himself again. Whether these work out into long term friendships or not, I can't say they were just fuck buddies. These are real friends and real connections, and I won't leave without them leaving an imprint on my life that I'll never regret.

mc_justmc 61M  
6841 posts
3/25/2019 7:10 am

Good for you! Everyone deserves to have someone that puts them 1st, and how nice that you have 3. When it happens it can be scary to open up and let it evolve, but if you don't it could die. Just throw your hands up in the air and ride that rollercoaster.

Drinkurwater replies on 4/29/2019 1:07 am:
I'm sorry, I thought I replied to this, my favorite comment on almost any post I've done thus far.

It means a lot, dirty internet stranger. It really does.

backpocket13 47M
9007 posts
3/25/2019 7:28 am

Hey Darlin,
........Embrace your inner darkness!.........
Sinfully Yours backpocket13
Post Script; If by chance you should find yourself with some time to spare, drop on by my blog and say High!

Spiked_Log_Trap 46M
295 posts
3/25/2019 9:13 am

This is the most enjoyable post I've read for a while

Drinkurwater replies on 3/29/2019 1:50 pm:
Thank you, I really don't expect any views, much less positive feedback so it's much appreciated.

gardenboy321 58M  
41916 posts
4/11/2019 8:58 am

The human soul is a strange thing. It wants one thing, requires another, but asks for something completely different.

Strange indeed. One can know ourselves, but to know our souls is a deep mystery.

Thoughts from the Garden...

Drinkurwater replies on 4/29/2019 1:08 am:
Isn't it though? If only we did know our souls - I think it's a lot scarier than it should be.

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