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Dear Me  

EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2511 posts
12/10/2019 8:24 am
Dear Me

Will Continue, First Comment

But, First...

Foooooooooooooooooooooooood Pooooooooooooooooooooooooorn



Chocolate Crinkle Cookies

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/10/2019 8:25 am

I Will Survive
Grace
Bad Bad Leroy Brown
The Logical Song
Hotel California
Stuck In the Middle with You
I39m a Believer
Bohemian Rhapsody
How to Forget
Suspicious Minds
The Joker
Killing Me Softly with His Song
You Dont Bring Me Flowers
Crazy Train
Change The World
Power of Love
Sweet Dreams are Made of This
Mr Blue Sky
You Matter to Me
Change
Unlonely
Mr Curiosity
Love is Still the Answer
Material World
Beat It
Landslide
Gypsy
Whatever It Takes
I Won39t Give Up
If You Leave Me Now
American Girl
“Her Suffering was not in vain. It allowed her to release the glue that allowed her to stick herself back together again” ~ Anonymous

Today, I feel as though I'm a different person than I was when I started this journey towards figuring out why my mother killed herself and who wiped my credit history. It's only been five months, but things have changed so much for me in that short period of time. It's surprising, to me, what my “revolution” accomplished in such a short period of time. How much has changed in my house, how much has changed in my life. It's surreal to be living the life I am today compared to where I started in July of this year.

As this decade and part of my story comes to a close, I'm reminded that nothing lasts forever. I let go parts of myself that I held steadfastly to for decades. Not only did I quit smoking cigarettes, I stopped drinking Diet Coke. And, I conquered my addiction to sex, as well. By the way, my sexual appetite remains; however, controlling it is something new.

Sexuality is something I've put first since entering adulthood, in almost every single relationship I've had and that includes my first marriage. It's not surprising, really, since I was introduced to it at such a tender age. And, that's one of the main reasons I knew I needed to conquer the addiction to it. It wasn't healthy, for me. Sex almost destroyed every long term relationship I've had.

Look, there's a double standard between being a male and female slut. I thought I'd shaken societal perceptions of me, but when I look back...they were far more destructive than I once knew. Shit, my sexual preferences kept me from having custody of my child. They destroyed two marriages, and have thwarted my attempts at repairing my relationship with my grown child.

When I met Mainman, originally, we shared some sexual tension. That went away, for me, when I realized he was an alcoholic, though. My stepgrandfather was one, and smelling that on someone's breath or being released from their pores brings back such terror. Panic that I doubt will ever go away, panic that makes me want to hide.

Mainman, though, he was born in a different culture, and not one where women have a whole lot of sexual agency. In fact, one where women take all the responsibility for sex, including “saving themselves” from marriage and rword. Those first few days that Mainman lived here were filled with him thinking I was going to try to force him to have sex with me in exchange for his room.

That shit still cracks me the fuck up, seriously.

Sexual Freedom from a woman is not something Mainman is used to seeing. To him, that made me a predator. Shit, you all, in the beginning, he and many of his friends thought that I told Nick who he could and couldn't have sex with. They thought I controlled this whole house, they may have even thought I was a prostitute. Though none of them would say so today; I can guarantee that none of them would dare treat me with anything less than respect today.

However, back in the beginning, there were many “face offs” between me and his friends. In fact, more than one has been banished from my home. And, more than one has been invited back. That includes one of his friends that put it all together for me, and I'm just going to call him Fred for the purposes of this post.

Mainman brought Fred over to the house one evening after Nick went to work. As per the rules of the house, Mainman was only supposed to bring over new people when Nick was home. Of course, this put me in a “mood”, but I stifled it because I wasn't sure where this meeting was heading. He was a big fan of my painting, and spent a lot of time looking at them.

He was, definitely, affected by it. Just like most of those who come to the house and see it are. The magnitude of it combined with the feeling behind it seemed to affect Fred far more deeply though. He spent a good thirty minutes just looking at it, and wanting to discuss it with me. What it all meant, because trust that it's more than words on a wall. The art I created is an evolution of feeling from loneliness and anger to peace and healing.

Fred and I discussed a lot, including sex. Because, well, he was obviously sexually attracted to me. I turned him down, because what he was offering I wasn't interested in. He, then, said something that will be forever etched in my brain and put one mystery to rest:

“You know what? I'm glad you're not doing all of this for sex”

And, that's when Mainman started making a whole lot of noise, and was definitely trying to change the subject. He won, by the way, his loudness prevailed, and the subject did get changed. It got changed to the fact that Fred needed to leave because I was ready to go to bed.

I'm very aware, now, that Mainman was a plant. He won't admit it to me, today, of that I'm sure. But, someone in this neighborhood put him up to coming to my door that day in late August, there's too many details in the threads of our history together weaving this canvas.

There's no way his story of: I was looking for work and yours was the first house I stopped at because I liked the way you painted your door even makes sense. I'm not the first house on the street, and we definitely don't look like we have a lot of money.

The whole conversation we had the first night he was here begs answering. Like how he knew I was NeuroDiverse without me telling him; how he kept trying to “bait” me into answering certain questions about myself; and how we discussed some seriously heavy topics on the first night we met. Look, ya'll, the Mainman I know today isn't all that deep, but the first night we met? He was. He said things to me that night that I don't feel comfortable repeating today, but things that led me to believe a whole lot when he first arrived.

Then, there was the whole him pushing me to get rid of the shed, and him wanting me to film him doing it. Someone put him up to coming here to help me fix up the outside of this house, of that I'm sure. Who it was, though, is and probably will remain a mystery to me. Mainman during this time, I suspect, was blackout drunk most of the time he wasn't at my home. And, I have serious doubts he'd admit to it, even if he remembered.

There was also the time I caught him videotaping me on his phone when I was doing yoga in the grass. I heard him talking, and though I didn't hear everything he said, it was definitely about me. When he saw me glancing in his direction, he suddenly had to leave. And, then there was that whole parade of men he was bringing over, like I'd be interested in them.

Fuck, I almost felt as though I was being pimped.

Fred saying what he did cemented my suspicions; and ended the parade of men. I know Mainman heard that conversation; and he knows full well that he was wrong. I wasn't helping him because I'm some kind of succubus predator woman out to steal men's...ummm...errr...sanctity? I dunno, truthfully, I find it all kind of hysterical, actually.

We share a very different relationship today, by the way. One where he respects my sexual agency instead of fears it. It took time for him to learn, but, yeah, soooo worth it. Making a difference in his life has made a difference in his family's lives, as well as his friends.

Today, Mainman has 13 days sobriety. He's still recovering from his fall from the tree, but his hand is healing wonderfully. He's getting around on his crutches better, and even did his own laundry yesterday with only a little help from Nick and me. His relationship with his mother is better; and he got a new job and started talking with his oldest son again. Today, we, often, spend evenings watching movies together and relaxing.

Gone are the chaotic nights when I was screaming at the top of my lungs while holding onto the idea that I wouldn't kick him out because I wanted to help him. No longer do we butt heads every other day to the point where he'd call his mother claiming I was “crazy”, and she'd show up to calm him down because I couldn't. We haven't had talk of violence in weeks; and the neighborhood is, blissfully, quiet.

Maybe one day I'll get Mainman to tell me the whole story, but I suspect I'm going to have to wait a long time. Emotionally, he's still in a precarious place, and we want to support him and not stress him out. I don't need to know who it was, because here's the thing:

No matter how much chaos we went through in the beginning, today I see Mainman's presence in our lives as a blessing.

And, that's the truth.

Thank You for Reading

Dear Me

By

Eric Hutchinson

Dear me, you'll be older one day
I'm writing from the future and you're doing ok
Dear me, hold on to what you've got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
(You're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together
you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together)
Dear me, I know you're scared as hell of everything right now
But don't get lost in where you're going
Dear me, you're gonna fall in love with the girl that you live next door to
And you have no real way of knowing
Don't know who you are, don't know who you are
Don't know who you are, but I know you're trying
Don't know who you are, don't know who you are
Don't know who you are, but you're multiplying
Dear me, you'll be older one day
I'm writing from the future and you're doing ok
Dear me hold on to what you've got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
(Said you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together
you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together)
Dear me, don't keep people in your life that treat you like crap
And don't lose sleep over em either
Dear me, never give up on the good that rests inside of you
And don't believe the non believers
You're gonna make mistakes, gonna make mistakes
Gonna make mistakes let em fall behind you
You're gonna make mistakes, gonna make mistakes
Gonna make mistakes, but they won't define you
Dear me, you'll be older one day
I'm writing from the future and you're doing ok
Dear me hold on to what you've got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
(Said you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together
you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together)
Take care of family and the ones you love
Put all your energy into human touch
Staying young is hard to do
So when life's getting serious, just don't take it so serious
Dear me hold on to what you've got
Things are gonna change, but change is better than you thought
(Said you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together
you're gonna get yourself get yourself get yourself together)
Keep growing up, but don't get old
Take care of what you can control
Respect the hearts that you will break
Forgive mistakes that you will make
If I were you I would not care
When some old man says to beware
So you probably won't listen to a word I say
probably won't listen to a word I say
probably won't listen to a word I say
But we're doing ok
Dear me
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Eric Hutchinson

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


author51 57F  
94620 posts
12/10/2019 10:51 am

I have had a huge sexually energy all my life, but only coming from exclusive relationships, that energy is and always has been only directed to the one I am with be it my ex husband, ex LTR, ex lovers and the one man who holds the key now to my exclusive only legs , sex and heart..I can never be in love with more than one, although one can love others in a different way..Just not intimately.....

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


SpunkyMonkeyz58 62M
1306 posts
12/10/2019 11:26 am

'nterest'ng story as always o'r dear fr'end n yes those cook'es look y'mmy Xx Oo Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect Awroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Meooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows


EnigmaInitiative replies on 12/11/2019 7:40 am:
Thank you my freeendz! I still have lots more to bake. Cookies is the one thing I participate in for Christmas. I'm more of a bah humbug type, to commercialized and based upon a myth.

Gimme Halloween, better myth.

Huggles

Paulxx001 63M
17082 posts
12/10/2019 12:04 pm

Good song. Good lyrics and and a catchy beat... 😊 👍 ❤️

... is there another way to look at it.
We Have Lost Forty Million Good Men WTF


Logan0867 52M
190 posts
12/10/2019 9:59 pm

yum cookies. Wow what weaves and bobs life throws at us. *hugs*


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/11/2019 7:38 am

    Quoting author51:
    I have had a huge sexually energy all my life, but only coming from exclusive relationships, that energy is and always has been only directed to the one I am with be it my ex husband, ex LTR, ex lovers and the one man who holds the key now to my exclusive only legs , sex and heart..I can never be in love with more than one, although one can love others in a different way..Just not intimately.....
I hear ya Joy. I know many people are monogamous and only have intimate feelings towards one. I'm just not one who is monogamous in nature.

Happy Wednesday, my friend

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/11/2019 7:41 am

    Quoting Logan0867:
    yum cookies. Wow what weaves and bobs life throws at us. *hugs*
I'm telling ya!

Hugs

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


pacnwlover42 51M
7914 posts
12/11/2019 11:53 pm

Great food porn! I have food porn videos where I'm cumming on a slice of pumpkin pie, cake, and a bowl of cherries. My current addiction is getting naked outdoors. Not sure if I'm addicted to sex, but I am addicted to cumming for sure and I have an insatiable fetish for women's toes.

Funny women are incredibly sexy!


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/12/2019 7:18 am

    Quoting pacnwlover42:
    Great food porn! I have food porn videos where I'm cumming on a slice of pumpkin pie, cake, and a bowl of cherries. My current addiction is getting naked outdoors. Not sure if I'm addicted to sex, but I am addicted to cumming for sure and I have an insatiable fetish for women's toes.
Thanks! They're real tasty, too.

It's only a problem if it affects other parts of your life. My addiction to sex caused a whole lot of issues for me over the years.

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


citizen4722 62M  
67137 posts
12/12/2019 4:33 pm

It's a fact of life that certain addictions just can't be cured


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