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Grace  

EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2509 posts
11/16/2019 12:41 pm
Grace


Will Continue, First Comment

Bad Bad Leroy Brown

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/16/2019 12:42 pm

I Will Survive

As a reminder, readers, I've always been a big time reader myself. It's been in my blood since childhood, a form of escapism from a cruel world not suited for a sensitive person. And, that includes consuming a whole lot of stuff on Fetlife. Since I was introduced to the site, I've been going there in various iterations of my personality (profiles). This final profile being the epicenter.

I watched as people instigated one another all over the website, and not just in the writings. It was also in the groups, many of which I never joined but read just the same. Six years of reading the wild rantings of everyone from Incel to Dominant to Alpha to Switch to Submissive from so called Gentlemen to so called bad boys. I read the Social Justice Warrior pieces;the consent pieces; and even the suggestion box. I read groups that made my stomach turn; and others that lifted my spirits.

Life on Fetlife, she was...errr....fascinating for my more analytical side. And, after what happened with Val, I decided it was time to venture out into the “great beyond” and stop keeping my opinonions (yes, I do think that's funny because my opinions are often layered, like me, like onion. [j] Cheeze its Deborah, stop explaining your freaking jokes ) to myself.

During this time, after I “broke off” my friendship with Val, I started talking with Jeff more heavily on Skype. Not in a sexual way, more like philosophy and literature, music and culture. We talked about a whole lot, actually. The conversation is still in my Skype. Now, I suspect I know who Jeff is, but I have no interest in revealing that. Let's just say I enjoyed our conversations, immensely.

I quit all the groups that Val was a moderator of because I didn't want to get into it with her. I was angry, and still kind of am, not only at her, but also myself for allowing myself to be sucked into another relationship with someone I can only describe as someone with narcissistic tendencies.

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.”

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

Now, look, I'm not saying she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I'm saying that she exhibited many of the signs that those with NPD have. The research I've done on the subject backs me up, but I...of course...am willing to be wrong.

It's what I have been doing, in cycles, throughout my life. I find relationships, whether they be friendships or intimate relationships, with those who forget me or my needs in favor of their own. There has been more than one time in my life where I was literally crying and screaming in physical pain, and I was ignored. Yep, written off as a drama queen, until they figured out something was really wrong with me. (Let me save that for another part of THE Story).

It didn't matter whom I reached out to, either. Because, trust, I was still reaching out on Faceplace at this time to family and friends. I was attempting to repair old wounds, but I wasn't being listened to. They only seemed to pay attention when I was following their “script” or expectations of me. Yes, I am talking about people who knew me my whole life or most of my life. These people didn't seem to be paying attention to anything I was saying.

It was spooky. I felt like I did after my mother died, when no one wanted to talk about her. I felt...

Abandoned.

So, here I am, alone...for all intents and purposes...in Orlando. Nick, my roommate is living in his own little world where I only exist when I'm doing for him. Whether that be his laundry, his food, or his emotions, I literally only existed in those moments in his life. Otherwise? Unless I needed him to take me to the store or something, or we needed to work out the rent? Whelp, it's like I wasn't here.

The house and I were neglected. Things were crumbling around us. First, the Stove went, then the Water Heater, and then the plumbing in the bathroom; then the Heater. The house, she was falling apart as much as Nick and I were. It was like we both had given up trying to even compete with the way the world was going.

It was an apocalypse of it's own making. A pacifist minimalist with a self image problem, and a survivalist hoarder living in a house that couldn't withstand the neglect any longer. So, whelp, I did what I always do in times of desperation: I changed.

It wasn't an overnight thing, either. It started in a group I was a part of where there was a man advertising a dating site for fat or curvy women and their admirers. I went to his website and noticed that most of the pictures were of Skinny Women. I mean, come on, one doesn't start a website for fat women and advertise it using skinny women, right? That just seemed ridiculous, to me. So, I called him on it.

Big time. I researched the Fair Use Policies, and realized he may not have permission to even use the pictures he was using. It turned out he had a license to use them; but it didn't matter to me. You know what he did? He took my advice about changing out the model pics and didn't even thank me. Nope, he went on a self righteous rant about us meanie women. Because, trust, other peeps had joined in by this time.

And, then? I just walked away from the conversation and started focusing on someone else. The “problem child” that most ran from in the groups. The man who wrote too much and didn't listen enough. The one who spewed random facts for no particular reason other than the ones that were in his head. I understood the behavior, I do it myself...sometimes.

He was NeuroDiverse, like me. Neurodiversity is a neologism popularized in the late 1990s by Australian sociologist Judy Singer and American journalist Harvey Blume to refer to variation in the human brain regarding sociability, learning, attention, mood and other mental functions in a non-pathological sense.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurodiversity

And, that's where I'm going to leave it, ya'll. This is emotionally exhausting and I need a break.

Thank You For Reading

Next part will be out when I feel like it.

Grace

By

Rachel Platten

Is this what I've become?
Someone who gets jealous of someone?
Instead of open arms and honest praise
I'm closing doors and pushing love away
When did I come undone?
When did the colors of my canvas start to run?
I can't control the teardrops on my face
I know this ain't the girl my mother raised
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I'm all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I'm ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
'Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace 'cause I'm running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
'Cause I'm falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace, grace, grace
I feel like I'm a ghost
I forgot the most important thing I know
That there's nobody else I have to be
There's no one else I need to please
I have the answers that I need
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I'm all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I'm ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
'Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace 'cause I'm running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
'Cause I'm falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace watching over my mistakes
Yeah, I really wanna change my heart
'Cause I'm falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace
Source: LyricFind

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


Paulxx001 63M
17066 posts
11/16/2019 2:02 pm

👍😊🍷🦃🍩

... is there another way to look at it.
We Have Lost Forty Million Good Men WTF


IVFalternative 49M
630 posts
11/16/2019 5:01 pm

They only seemed to pay attention when I was following their “script” or expectations of me.

Neurotypicals have very limited ability to communicate and relate outside of their narrowly scripted behaviour. Generally the neurodiverse have to cater to the neurotypical style, very few will give you the same consideration.

If you want to find a neurotypical who can be flexible enough in their communication to listen to you when you aren't following the scripts your best bet is to find one who is well travelled or has for some other reason had to deal effectively with other cultures.

Following my advice may cause injury, insanity, financial loss, hemorrhoids, death and superpowers


author51 57F  
94531 posts
11/17/2019 12:25 am

Thanks for sharing your heart with us my friend..If you need another ear to listen, you know where to find me...xo

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/17/2019 8:15 am



Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/17/2019 8:16 am

    Quoting IVFalternative:
    They only seemed to pay attention when I was following their “script” or expectations of me.

    Neurotypicals have very limited ability to communicate and relate outside of their narrowly scripted behaviour. Generally the neurodiverse have to cater to the neurotypical style, very few will give you the same consideration.

    If you want to find a neurotypical who can be flexible enough in their communication to listen to you when you aren't following the scripts your best bet is to find one who is well travelled or has for some other reason had to deal effectively with other cultures.
Thanks for coming by and giving your thoughts, I appreciate it. I have become wildly aware of that lately. I never quite understood what was going on until I noticed that. Thanks for the reminder, though, I sometimes forget.

Happy Sunday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/17/2019 8:19 am

    Quoting author51:
    Thanks for sharing your heart with us my friend..If you need another ear to listen, you know where to find me...xo
Thank you for being you Joy. It's a lot to let go of, I'm so not even close to being done. LOLOLOL. I'm taking it slow, though.

I appreciate the offer, really. I don't want to discount how kind I feel it is of you to offer, but what I really need is someone who will listen in person.

Happy Sunday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


Logan0867 52M
190 posts
11/17/2019 1:58 pm

Take breaks when you do...all this info would make my head swim.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/17/2019 2:04 pm

    Quoting Logan0867:
    Take breaks when you do...all this info would make my head swim.
I'm adhering to my quasi schedule we discussed, I promise.

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


rm_ruInvisible2 53M  
5 posts
11/18/2019 8:19 am

They only seemed to pay attention when I was following their “script” or expectations of me.

That literally seems to be just about everyone I know.

This may be more than I’m qualified for, but if you need an ear to chew on in person I’d visit over a cup of tea. Just an ear and tea.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/18/2019 8:41 am

    Quoting rm_ruInvisible2:
    They only seemed to pay attention when I was following their “script” or expectations of me.

    That literally seems to be just about everyone I know.

    This may be more than I’m qualified for, but if you need an ear to chew on in person I’d visit over a cup of tea. Just an ear and tea.
Thanks, but I'm a real cautious person nowadays, I'm going through some stuff while writing this story. I'm more at ease with people I already know in real life. I appreciate the offer, though. Thanks.

Happy Monday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


rm_ruInvisible2 53M  
5 posts
11/18/2019 4:04 pm

Anytime. Figure I give this thing a year and see how it goes. Offer stands should you ever need it. BTW, Just gonna say You Rock!! Thanks you for feeding the homeless. Since it’s November I guess it’s legal this month. Freaking O-Town. Be Safe out there.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/19/2019 7:30 am

    Quoting rm_ruInvisible2:
    Anytime. Figure I give this thing a year and see how it goes. Offer stands should you ever need it. BTW, Just gonna say You Rock!! Thanks you for feeding the homeless. Since it’s November I guess it’s legal this month. Freaking O-Town. Be Safe out there.
Thank you for your kindness, it may not even take a year. I'm a "quick" evolver. LOLOLOL. But, it will take time, I don't know how much though.

I appreciate the support, it's been a long and..shall we say...interesting journey to get to this point.

As an aside, Passion said I had an email from you but it's not in my inbox.

Happy Tuesday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


rm_ruInvisible2 53M  
5 posts
11/19/2019 8:07 am

Take all the time you need until you are you. And when YOU are ready.
I get a lot of phantom things on this site too. I was sending you info on the Progressive Comedy Tour if you happen to follow them. From your blog and being a “free thinker” thought you might enjoy:

Event: Graham Elwood & Ron Placone - The Progressive Comedy Tour - Orlando
Start Date: March 12, 2020 8:00 PM
End Date: March 12, 2020 10:00 PM
Ticket Price: $15.00 (General)

Peace. Be Safe.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/20/2019 6:02 am

    Quoting rm_ruInvisible2:
    Take all the time you need until you are you. And when YOU are ready.
    I get a lot of phantom things on this site too. I was sending you info on the Progressive Comedy Tour if you happen to follow them. From your blog and being a “free thinker” thought you might enjoy:

    Event: Graham Elwood & Ron Placone - The Progressive Comedy Tour - Orlando
    Start Date: March 12, 2020 8:00 PM
    End Date: March 12, 2020 10:00 PM
    Ticket Price: $15.00 (General)

    Peace. Be Safe.
I appreciate you taking the time to give me the information. I do not follow them. Maybe when ThanksGiving is over, I'll check them out. I try to limit my social media time, now. It's my next addiction to break, ya know?

Peace

Be Safe

Happy Wednesday!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


citizen4722 62M  
67122 posts
11/21/2019 3:27 pm

I'm reading these posts back to front..it's still makes fascinating reading.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
11/21/2019 4:45 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    I'm reading these posts back to front..it's still makes fascinating reading.
Thank you, i'm glad you're enjoying them!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


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