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I Won't Give Up  

EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2509 posts
12/6/2019 6:54 am
I Won't Give Up


Will Continue, First Comment

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/6/2019 7:02 am

I Will Survive
Grace
Bad Bad Leroy Brown
The Logical Song
Hotel California
Stuck In the Middle with You
I39m a Believer
Bohemian Rhapsody
How to Forget
Suspicious Minds
The Joker
Killing Me Softly with His Song
You Dont Bring Me Flowers
Crazy Train
Change The World
Power of Love
Sweet Dreams are Made of This
Mr Blue Sky
You Matter to Me
Change
Unlonely
Mr Curiosity
Love is Still the Answer
Material World
Beat It
Landslide
Gypsy
Whatever It Takes

In these last few months, I've told so many people I don't know about different parts of my life, I'm not sure who knows what about me. So, before I continue with the Origin Story, there's a few things I'm going to reveal:

1. I bought a house with my first husband when I was nineteen, in 1987. That had to be sold in 1989 when the Army sent my husband and I to Ft Wainwright Alaska. (Near Fairbanks)

2. I went to Beauty School but had to quit when the Army sent us to Alaska

3. My father died the same year we moved to Alaska

4. My sister came to Alaska to live with my husband and I, and gave birth to her second child. I was in the delivery room and fainted.

5. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, and was put on clomid, a fertility drug, to attempt to get pregnant. This is also when they told me that I had extraordinarily high testosterone for a woman. After 5 years of having regular sex with my husband, I never got pregnant. Truth is, I rarely got a period, and when I got one about every four or five months, I bled for thirty days straight. I never got pregnant.

6. After three years in Alaska, the Army sent my husband to Korea and I couldn't go. I went to Arizona for that year. This was the beginning of the end of our relationship, if I'm honest.

7. Less than a year after he left, I was admitted to my first psychiatric ward and diagnosed with Disassociative Identity Disorder and put on a whole shitload of medications. I also suffered heavily from Migraines.

8. The Army sent my husband back early from Korea, and I got pregnant while on a “pass” from the Psych Ward. I got pregnant that weekend.

9. We were sent to Ft Hood, Texas after that. (Near Waco and Austin).

10. We stayed with his twin brother and family at first, but there was an incident where his brother's wife slapped her baby across the face and I freaked out. I ended up back in a psych ward.

11. I found out I was pregnant while in a psychiatric ward, and had to stop taking all those medications that they put me on.

12. I developed gall stones while pregnant but couldn't have surgery because I was pregnant.

13. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy in the hospital hooked up to all kinds of Ivs and an NG tube down my nose because I couldn't eat due to the gall stones. I vomitted everything I ate.

14. I went into early labor and stayed in labor for four days without progressing past a centimeter, at the military hospital before they sent me to a civilian hospital because they weren't equipped for my complications.

15. After being transported to Scott and White Hospital in Temple Texas, they decided to induce me with Pitocin. (An induction with Pitocin means your doctor or midwife will induce your labor using a medicine called Pitocin, which is a synthetic version of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone that your body naturally produces to induce contractions, as well as serving as the famous “love” hormone. Pitocin is delivered through an IV in your arm and your nurse will gradually raise the level of Pitocin you are receiving until you are having regular contractions about every 2-3 minutes. At that point, your Pitocin will either be left on until you deliver, adjusted if your contractions become too strong or fast or taper off, or your nurse may actually shut off the Pitocin all together. Sometimes, the Pitocin is enough to “kick” your body in natural labor on its own.)

16. That didn't work, so they decided to pierce my water.

17. That didn't work, and I ended up with an infection.

18. During this time they, also, started an epidural. That infiltrated, but no one would believe me when I told them I was in pain. They kept telling me it was pressure I was feeling, it wasn't.

19. My husband watched cartoons during this whole thing.

20. When they figured out I wasn't progressing past a centimeter, they decided I would need a csection to deliver. They gave me a bolus shot of the medicine in the epidural, and that's when they figured out that I was telling the truth, I was actually in pain. The bolus shot not only made my head feel like it was going to explode, it also started affecting our baby.

21. They had to do an emergency csection on December 20, 1992. I struggled bonding with her from the moment I woke up.

I was 24. The same age my mother was when she had me. A mother who died December 2, 1981, eleven years before.

Now, there's a reason I told you this: Today would be my Thirty Third Anniversary, if I had stayed married to my daughter's father. A man I still love, but would never take back. A man who gave me the best part of myself, my daughter. A daughter who still won't talk with me to this day.

One of the major reasons this charity took form in my brain is because December is an incredibly tough month for me. I wanted to create something that would raise my spirits during this month, because most of the time I'm miserable. The goal, eventually, is to have a ball or a party every year to celebrate the creation of this foundation in the month of December.

It's meant to be a testament to my parents, the people who taught me the most important lessons of my life. The ones that mean the most to me, today. Charity, Kindness, Acceptance, Love, and Peace.

Enigma comes from the fact that I never understood why my mother killed herself. There was no note that I knew of, but now I hear whisperings there was one. That's one of the reasons I want to get my hands on the police report. Don't get me wrong, I know her mind wasn't right. Even if she did write something, it probably won't give me any real answers. I just can't give up on it. I need to know more about the mystery that I've searched for the answer to since I was thirteen years old.

Enigma is also about me. You all, I spent most of my late twenties in psychiatric wards; married three times; struggle bonding with my child; and only figured out recently why I always wanted a dick. No, really, you all, I've always wanted one. I've said it to enough people throughout my life. Though, I didn't understand, I didn't try to because I was too caught up in all the other bullshit going on in my life.

The Mystery of why I would take in a homeless man and put all this effort into helping him recover from a life filled with violence and regret, can simply be solved by the fact that I created my own tribe by doing this. The thing that eluded me all these years, the piece that was missing? I found it when I bonded with Mainman that first day, and knew I wanted to help him.

It's what my parents would have done. Look, I'm not saying that my parents would have taken in a stranger, because I don't know they would have with three children in the house. I'm saying that they would have bent over backwards to help a man in need; in anyway they could. And, I wanted to honor that part of their memory.

I needed a “tribe”. It started with Nick, when I pulled him out of his misery, and pushed him to move forward in fixing this house. My sister was supposed to be the next, but her mistreatment of me ruined that. Mainman, well, he's been a challenge. But, if you all could see the relationship we share today, you'd probably understand why.

This man? He detoxed this week. He's doing great! He's starting to get around more on his crutches, and says thank you all the time. We speak, at length, and he's started actually listening to me more. (I suspect this is because the alcohol has left his system). His mother was here last night thanking Nick and I up one side, and down the other.

We, Nick and I, we changed this man's life, and he's getting better both body and spirit every single day. And, that's why, my blogger friends, I wanted to do this. And, it worked. Ya know; because...

Love Always Wins

Thank You for Reading

Next Up: Coming home to Florida to find out that a gang war is brewing over Mainman's beating

I Won't Give Up

By

Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
So much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
Cos even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
the tools and gifts we've got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not and who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
So easy is our life
What's mine is yours and yours mine
Hardly do we ever find
We'd rather be kind
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
And I know I'm worthy
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, I am love
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worthy
No I won't give up on us
God knows I've had enough
We got a lot to learn
And we're, and we're worthy
No I won't give up
No I won't give up
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: MRAZ JASON THOMAS / NATTER MICHAEL LEE

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


Cum_Happy 107M
2753 posts
12/6/2019 8:06 am

Wow! What an amazing story! You could write a book.
Mostly what I'd like to say is, Congratulations! You deserve some kind of metal for persevering through all that you have endured. And the other thing is, you're right, Love Always Wins. And finally, Don't Never - Ever Give Up! This crazy world needs all the people like you that it can get.

Click: Quote or Respond Tell me what you think of my comment. I will see reply in “Where I’m Quoted


citizen4722 62M  
67122 posts
12/6/2019 8:40 am

That was incredibly revealing


Paulxx001 63M
17066 posts
12/6/2019 8:56 am

Great song! 👍 😊
Have a great weekend! 👌

... is there another way to look at it.
We Have Lost Forty Million Good Men WTF


PAWAPh 44M
12614 posts
12/6/2019 8:59 am

Hey, Friend.

*I Appreciate Your Honesty*
(You're Very Open In These)

~R.I.P To Your Father~

Peace, Debbie!

Jack


BunkStud 53M
31 posts
12/6/2019 11:21 am

Not sure what to say about all that.


EnigmaInitiative replies on 12/7/2019 8:04 am:
I hear ya, it's a lot.

Thanks for coming by

SpunkyMonkeyz58 62M
1297 posts
12/6/2019 12:21 pm

Love does always w'n and tr'th o'r dear fr'end Amaz'ng how each of o'r l'ves are d'fferent yet w'th lots of s'm'lar't'es hmm? We all have a bea't'f'l story to tell and yo'rs o'r dear fr'end so very 'nterest'ng n Tr'th! Love yaz, Xx Oo Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect Awroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Meooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows


Logan0867 52M
190 posts
12/6/2019 7:13 pm

Wow...some I knew but others not. *hugs*


author51 57F  
94531 posts
12/7/2019 12:36 am

You are a woman who has been through more than I ever have or will as I have had an easy life with my divorce being the hardest thing and of course losing both parents..I had three Csections with my children but I did bond with all three so thank my lucky stars for that..I hope you and your daughter can one day become close my friend......xx

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:01 am

    Quoting Cum_Happy:
    Wow! What an amazing story! You could write a book.
    Mostly what I'd like to say is, Congratulations! You deserve some kind of metal for persevering through all that you have endured. And the other thing is, you're right, Love Always Wins. And finally, Don't Never - Ever Give Up! This crazy world needs all the people like you that it can get.
Thanks, I actually am writing a book.

And, I appreciate you saying so, it was a lot. My medal is my daughter, no matter how she feels about me today. She's always going to be the best prize.

Happy Saturday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:02 am

You know me, citizen, exhibitionist.

Happy Saturday, my friend.

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:02 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    Great song! 👍 😊
    Have a great weekend! 👌
It is, isn't it.

You too!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:03 am

    Quoting PAWAPh:
    Hey, Friend.

    *I Appreciate Your Honesty*
    (You're Very Open In These)

    ~R.I.P To Your Father~

    Peace, Debbie!

    Jack
Honesty is my go to move.

Thanks Jack

Happy Saturday!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:05 am

    Quoting SpunkyMonkeyz58:
    Love does always w'n and tr'th o'r dear fr'end Amaz'ng how each of o'r l'ves are d'fferent yet w'th lots of s'm'lar't'es hmm? We all have a bea't'f'l story to tell and yo'rs o'r dear fr'end so very 'nterest'ng n Tr'th! Love yaz, Xx Oo Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect Awroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Meooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows
It is amazing, isn't it, my dear freeeeendz. We all have beautiful stories to tell, I'm sure you have lots of your own.

Hugs My Freeeendz

Awroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Meoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:05 am

    Quoting Logan0867:
    Wow...some I knew but others not. *hugs*
It's been quite a life hon. Hugs

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 8:07 am

    Quoting author51:
    You are a woman who has been through more than I ever have or will as I have had an easy life with my divorce being the hardest thing and of course losing both parents..I had three Csections with my children but I did bond with all three so thank my lucky stars for that..I hope you and your daughter can one day become close my friend......xx
I've faced a lot of hardships over the years, but learned a lot from most of them, too.

I still have hope that she and I could repair our relationship. It's just going to take effort from both of us.

Hugs My Friend

Happy Saturday!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


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