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Whatever It Takes  

EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2509 posts
12/5/2019 8:19 am
Whatever It Takes


Will Continue, First Comment

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/5/2019 8:20 am

I Will Survive
Grace
Bad Bad Leroy Brown
The Logical Song
Hotel California
Stuck In the Middle with You
I39m a Believer
Bohemian Rhapsody
How to Forget
Suspicious Minds
The Joker
Killing Me Softly with His Song
You Dont Bring Me Flowers
Crazy Train
Change The World
Power of Love
Sweet Dreams are Made of This
Mr Blue Sky
You Matter to Me
Change
Unlonely
Mr Curiosity
Love is Still the Answer
Material World
Beat It
Landslide
Gypsy

Logan and I did many things when I was up there. We went to see the movie Gemini Man; went to Tilson Street to see the Halloween Displays; drove out to the Cider Mill to get fresh Cider and Donuts; went to the Hot Tub Place to spend time relaxing in a hot tub; the giant cock ring in Sterling Heights (hey, that's not my name, it's what the locals call it. ); and went to see my godfather so that I could try to make peace with my family.

A family who has spent most of the time since my mother died ignoring me, and only calling when they wanted something from me.

A family who knew I was living on the street, but wouldn't help me.

A family populated by a bunch of christian republican baby boomers with a lot of money.

A family who asked me to come see them, then wouldn't let me stay in their homes knowing full well I lived on a thousand dollars a month in Social Security Disability.

A family who never once came to see me, even when they were visiting Orlando for other reasons.

A family who when asked for emotional support sent me a “Thoughts and Prayers” text instead.

A family who has hurt me deeper than anyone ever could.

That family.

After hemming and hawing over contacting my uncle, I did. We drove out to East China Township Michigan, and I spoke with him, at length, about what's been going on with me. Logan was there purely as emotional support, plus my uncle likes him. In fact, most of my maternal family likes Logan. However, that was before they knew we were a couple, before they knew I was polyamorous. I don't know how most of them feel now.

To be honest with you all, I've only spoken with my uncle since July. I heard from my once favorite aunt on Monday, the anniversary of my mother's death. She texted, I didn't answer. I'm still reeling, a lot, from everything I've learned and all that I now know.

One of the reasons I moved here to Florida was, simply, because many in my maternal family are emotionally manipulative. They use my mental illness as a way to control me, to make me fall in line and do what they want. Moving here in 2013 broke the spell, but going back and forth to Michigan in 2016 so many times reinforced it.

I get that many people have dysfunction in their family, I'm not saying that mine is...somehow...the epitome of dysfunction by any means. I'm saying that many of their behaviors towards me over the decades have been harmful to my mental health and self esteem. I love them, just not sure I'm ready to let them into my life again is all.

They're all work hard and don't expect handouts; leave the past in the past; put on a smile and pretend everything is okay; and diet culture. All while taking prescriptions and drinking wine and talking about the “good old days”, with an underlying current of tension because some aunts aren't talking with other aunts because of things that happened in the past. You know, the stuff they were supposed to “let go of”, but never talk about with one another so they can't.

Ya know, hypocrites.

I'm all blunt honesty and realism while smoking pot; loving my fat body; and attempting to make peace with the past through conversation and writing about the truth of having a mental illness. You can probably see why this is a problem.

My uncle, though, he “gets” me. He has a daughter who is NeuroDiverse due to seizures and brain surgery when she was a child. He, also, doesn't participate in the drama that many of my aunts do. He grows pumpkins for contests; loves his grandchildren; and told me stories about when my parents met that just tickled me.

My mom was a cheerleader, my uncle was the quarterback. My father was the quarterback for a rival team. They fell in love. After graduation, dad went to Notre Dame, but injured his shoulder playing football and came back to Michigan. They were married after mom completed Nursing School. One month later, mom was pregnant with my brother. Come on, that shit is cliche, but adorable.

However, mom and dad are gone now, the thirtieth anniversary of my father's death just three days away. A death that sparked a feud between my brother and sister and I that still goes on to this day. We, as a family, are fucked up, and I can't help but point my finger at my parents' early demises as THE cause. My mother's death sparked a schism that turned into the Grand Canyon when my father passed eight years later.

Do you know my brother went missing for 7 years after committing insurance fraud to get the entire amount of my father's insurance policy after he died?

How no one came to see me, or even called when my daughter was born?

Or, that my sister, though making excellent money as a car salesperson wouldn't send me $25 to get food even though she knew I was living on the street?

How my entire family just allowed me to languish in psychiatric wards while not even trying to check up on me once?

No matter how much effort I've put into making peace; no matter how many times I've let go of the abuse and neglect lobbed at me by siblings; aunts; uncles; and cousins; no matter how much they ignored my emotional pain in favor of their selfishness; I still went back for more.

Until I didn't, anymore.

I suspect, with time, I'll let go off all this pain I feel towards them. And, trust, I don't feel my paternal family has been much better. They have always been a bit of an anomaly, to me, they're distant and I don't feel as close to them. I suppose that is partially my fault. I, since my mother's death, have held on very tightly to her family. Too tightly.

After speaking with my uncle, I was feeling much better. He told me some things about my mother's suicide that put some of my fears to rest. Though, I will be honest with you all, I still want to get a hold of those police records. There's a lot I still want to know.

Things were looking up, my hacker hadn't messed with anything since I had been on the road. I talked with my uncle; Logan and I were having a good time. Then, I got back online to Passion.

Before I say this next part, just know this: No, I'm not going to let it go. Why should I? A person on this website literally ruined my time with someone I care about deeply with their bullying, and the website did nothing about it. (Except, apparently suspend her or something for a couple of days)

I was in my hotel room, my gut churning, doubled over in pain, and running back and forth to the bathroom. I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything. Between the flashbacks of bullying I experienced as a child, and actual bullying by Ms Hate Proof, I was physically ill.

I was ready to check myself into a psychiatric ward because I knew my stress level was out of control if it was physically affecting me. I just learned a bunch of shit about my mother's suicide, and here was this woman coming at me. I was deeply affected by the words she was saying to me. And, many of those who I thought were my friends just sat back and let it happen and still support Ms Hate Proof today.

Here, a place where I've admitted time and again that I have a mental illness, complex post traumatic stress disorder. A disorder in which one's brain literally MAKES one think about the past. I certainly didn't expect special treatment, but I sure didn't expect to be attacked by someone who, at first, claimed to be my friend.

That's about the moment I realized that everything that happened three years ago with Sandra didn't change a thing. She, too, sent out her minions to attack a person on this site, and bloggers rallied to get her taken off the site due to her bullying. No one rallied to help me, I was left to deal with it by myself.

Just so you know, though, before you go running to her, I will NOT be participating in any blog war. I don't have time for that shit. I have a man who just broke his leg after falling from a tree to look after. A man who has had more emotional turmoil in his life in the last few months than I have. Someone whose father just had open heart surgery, and whose mother just found out she needs a procedure of her own.

Let her say what she wants about me, fuck it. I've learned some very valuable lessons since that happened. The biggest being that I can't trust this site nor what some people in these blogs say. So, thank you for that, Ms Hate Proof and friends, for ruining that part of me. (This is sarcasm, by the way)

SMDH

Storm asked me why I'm still on this site during our last fight. The answer is and still remains that there ARE people here I care about. There are many bloggers here with whom I feel are kind, genuine, and real.

I don't want to miss out on their lives. I love reading their blogs, even if I don't always have the time to respond. I enjoy reading about different perspectives, and have learned a lot from many of the bloggers here. There's so much information available in these blogs, if you just read them. Not to mention, some fine writers of everything from poetry to non fiction.

And, well, I'll always be grateful to Passion for providing me with so much joy over the years. Sure, there have been some TOUGH meets that ended in violence towards me, but I also met Logan0867 here. In fact, I met lots of men and women here, in person, whom I'm still thrilled to this day that I did. I had some of the best sex of my life as a direct result of being a member of this site; discovered polyamory and sexual freedom here; became a camgirl; and started writing.

To say my feelings about this site are complicated is an understatement. Though, I can't help but see the parallels with my family...all dysfunction and codependence with a sprinkling of love throughout. And, I suspect, one day I'll just let go of all the pain I've had a result of being a member here.

Just not today.

And, that's where I'm going to leave it.

Thank You for Reading

Whatever It Takes

By

Imagine Dragons

Falling too fast to prepare for this
Tripping in the world could be dangerous
Everybody circling, it's vulturous
Negative, nepotist
Everybody waiting for the fall of man
Everybody praying for the end of times
Everybody hoping they could be the one
I was born to run, I was born for this
Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes
Always had a fear of being typical
Looking at my body feeling miserable
Always hanging on to the visual
I wanna be invisible
Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of 'em
Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son
I was born to run, I was born for this
Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes
Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see
I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased
And when I am deceased
At least I go down to the grave and die happily
Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee
I do what it takes
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Benjamin Arthur McKee / Daniel Coulter Reynolds / Daniel James Platzman / Daniel Wayne Sermon / Joel Little

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


BiM4allmotown 54M  
37 posts
12/5/2019 10:20 am

Nice


EnigmaInitiative replies on 12/6/2019 6:49 am:
Thanks

Logan0867 52M
190 posts
12/5/2019 10:26 am

Hey now be fair...I called it the giant cock ring but everyone else calls it the golden butthole (it even has its own facebook page lol). *hugs*


Paulxx001 63M
17066 posts
12/5/2019 11:11 am

hmmm. That's quite a life... 🤔❤️

... is there another way to look at it.
We Have Lost Forty Million Good Men WTF


SpunkyMonkeyz58 62M
1297 posts
12/5/2019 11:34 am

Oh my o'r dear fr'end and h'gs and lots of love from the both of 's Xx Oo Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect Awrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Meoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows


author51 57F  
94531 posts
12/6/2019 12:33 am

There is always something good that comes out of bad situations my friend.One just has to look for those silver linings to come shining through..xoxo

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/6/2019 6:50 am

    Quoting Logan0867:
    Hey now be fair...I called it the giant cock ring but everyone else calls it the golden butthole (it even has its own facebook page lol). *hugs*
Whoops, I messed that up. Ah well, lol

Hugs

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/6/2019 6:51 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    hmmm. That's quite a life... 🤔❤️
That's not even the half of it. <3

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/6/2019 6:52 am

    Quoting SpunkyMonkeyz58:
    Oh my o'r dear fr'end and h'gs and lots of love from the both of 's Xx Oo Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect Awrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Meoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows
Huggles my dear freendz! You know what, a lot of good came out of this life, I'm just depressed because of the time of year. I'm okay, really.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect
Awroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Meoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/6/2019 6:53 am

    Quoting author51:
    There is always something good that comes out of bad situations my friend.One just has to look for those silver linings to come shining through..xoxo
Ohhh, my dear sweet friend, I know a lot of good has come out of all of this, of that I'm sure. I'm just feeling things because of the time of the year is all.

Hugs

Happy Friday Joy

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


citizen4722 62M  
67122 posts
12/6/2019 8:48 am

It's such a shame that you're at loggerheads with most your family. You're uncle 'gets you', so that's special.


EnigmaInitiative 52F  
2713 posts
12/7/2019 9:00 am

    Quoting citizen4722:
    It's such a shame that you're at loggerheads with most your family. You're uncle 'gets you', so that's special.
It is, but what can I do? The more time I spend talking with them, the worse I feel about myself.

I'm glad i have him.

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


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