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A Tough Day  

EroticMusings2 57F  
1217 posts
2/1/2021 11:29 pm
A Tough Day

Today just seemed like a hard day. Not sure if it was the weather or just me feeling very unsettled. Ever get that feeling that something just isnt right, doesn't add up. I hate that because I am usually right, even if I am told I am not. Later on it will come out that I was.

I think I am just so afraid of being hurt again. I have been really hurt in the past by men. My husband himself, he cheated on me ago with one of my best friends. I have had a hard time trusting females since then too. So now you more about why he gave em permission to have one lover. Then we were separated headed towards divorce and I was involved with this fireman who had me and my girls move all the way to Oregon. Got there only to find out that he was not separated at all from his wife, and to boot took off with over $2000 of my . Which was all I had. Had some other men really just hurt me, and the last one was my lover for over 7 . He made promise not see anyone else. Well guess what? Found out that all along he was seeing someone else. It would have been fine if he had been honest with me. But lie and ignore for weeks at a time, then come around all lovey dovey. So now you know why it had been almost 7 before I was with a man again. But I am praying this does not turn out be where I get hurt again. I do not know if I could take that right now with everything going on in my life.

So anyway got up early this morning, was hoping spend a bit of time in a bit of conversation....... Got my husband dressed after I bathed him. Got our meds and some granola for breakfast. I needed take him some different places. Got his glasses fixed, prescriptions picked up. My doctor put me back on a steroid inhaler to help my lungs. Stopped by Sam's club and got some sushi for us for lunch.

Took a nap after lunch, I tire more easily with this heart issue going on. I guess now I allow myself to admit that it is taking alot out of me to do normal chores etc. They still have to be done, but I am allowing myself a little more rest. Did some work, then needed to take all my lasix that require me to stay in the bedroom since it is many many trips to relieve myself.

Oh did sit and talk with my neighbor, gave her the Christmas gifts that I had for my and grandkids. I know things are very hard for them, and she started crying. Telling how very nice I am and she has never met anyone so giving like me. I almost cried with her. She is such a nice lady, glad she is our neighbor. We live in a area that has been hit very hard by tough times, but things are looking up.

Made dinner, then came back to the bedroom again. Was hoping that maybe now would be a little time to just chat but he did not sadly. I just wanted to see how he was and talk to him some. I feel scared, find myself crying way too much. I cant believe my life is the way it is right now, and I just need to be able to turn things around. Remember when you could simply make yourself better or fake it really well. I am not nearly ready to sit in a chair with oxygen and wish I had done things.

I know everyone is busy with their won agendas and lives, but I feel like I am coming lose at the seams here. I feel like I am losing control and going to crash head first. I just need to be able to talk to someone who cares. To listen to how petrified I am right now. I feel like I am failing at everything and time is going by way too fast. I am tired of telling everyone that I am fine when I am not at all. That I just want to cry, make it all go away. I want my husband to be able to be the big strong man he used to be. I want to be able to count on him like I did for years. I want to be able to have some escapism, understanding and caring. None of the family really cares, so it is my husband and I. I know if I am not careful I will end up in the hospital again. That is not something I can do because last time I spent a week in ICU, 6 months ago. When I got out, you should have seen how bad the house was. I was up the next morning doing dished though I wasn't supposed too. Nothing had been done at all, wading thru trash and dirty clothes, rotting food etc.

Anyway I know this is long guys and I am sorry. I just have no one really to talk to or seems to have the time to even really ask. Pain use, scared - hell yes.
Oh but in my mind I am beautiful once more. I am being made love to and the man thinks my body is wonderful. He<b> kisses </font></b>me all over and whisper sweet love in my ear as he slowly enters me. In my mind I am able to do anything and not fight for enough air.


*Creative Outlets of All Forms thru Me*

citizen4722 63M  
73580 posts
2/3/2021 8:26 am

You've been through such a lot. I'm glad things are finally looking up for you

EroticMusings2 57F  
551 posts
2/3/2021 9:18 am

I am trying to be more positive about everything, though I will admit some days are harder. But life is going to happen how it happens, why not try and make the best of it. Thanks for commenting, means alot.

*Creative Outlets of All Forms thru Me*

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