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Winter is Coming  

GratefulGirl69 51F
1489 posts
9/4/2018 5:02 pm
Winter is Coming



Well, it was the first day of school today. After a couple of months of being able to sleep late and keep a lax drop-off/pick-up camp schedule during M.ommy weeks, we're back to super-early mornings and a super-strict routine to meet the uncompromising schedule of the bus.

It wasn't too bad- I have been preparing myself for it for awhile. But it's still essentially summer and the sun is up by 6:30... it gets a lot harder when I a.m getting up in the dark and we're rolling out of the apartment just as the sun is coming over the horizon. Even harder when it has long-set by the time we get home at the end of the day.

Not to get all GoT on everyone, but... well... Winter is Coming.

Squinkie has a lot of hopes and wishes for this y.ear- a lot of plans and intentions. She's starting to be more interested in her wardrobe and in looking nice. Whereas it's previously been something of a chore to get her to even brush her hair before school, now she wants braids and matching earrings and lipgloss before stepping onto the bus. And she is already hinting about a crush (ahhh, that explains it!). I think she is going to have a great y.ear, and I think it's going to be a y.ear of many changes for her.

I have my own collection of hopes and wishes for the y.ear, too. Her happiness, at the top of the list, of course. But my own, as well. I'd like it to be a y.ear of many changes for both of us, and o.ne of my hopes is that any changes in my life will help to serve some of the wishes that she holds for me, and for us together.

It's very difficult for me to think about, let alone talk about, but my often expresses concern and wonder about the fact that I a.m alone. Her father has been married for a few y.ears now- for long enough that Squinkie doesn't even remember a time before her step-mother was a part of her life, before she had a "real family" during her D.addy weeks. And she doesn't quite get why things are different on my end.

She's asked me countless times why I don't have someone, why she doesn't have a step-father... or someone like one. It's always been an almost-impossible question to answer, as the truth is too mature and complex for her to be able handle. And she's expressed worry about/for me, apologizing for the time that she has to spend at her father's, saying that she's sorry that I have to be without her and alone. I hate that she carries that worry, and I do and say all that I can to mitigate it, but we're too close for her to buy any pretty fictions that I might attempt to sell her. There's no way to keep her from knowing that it's a struggle sometimes.

There's also no way to allow her to see that some of her dreams and wishes would NOT be what she thinks they would be. She's a very social creature with strong drives to have people constantly around her, and she's been pining for siblings since she learned enough words to express such a longing. And it's really a shame that she was born as the only to two parents of "advanced age" who essentially despise each other, with no chance whatsoever of ever being (in childhood, anyway) in a big and bustling household.

She probably should have been born into a large and boisterous family- she'd do well in such a context, particularly if she was the eldest . She's a little Lioness and would fiercely protect and guide (and boss around!) a little pride of siblings, if she had o.ne. She's tried to be that way with neighbors and peers, nonetheless... something that has never gone over well, to her frustration and chagrin. She feels that she is missing out on something by not having a lot of people around her all of the time.

Sometimes, anyway. And less so, as she ages. As she's been getting older, the other part of her Leo drives are starting to shine through a bit more brightly- the part that likes always being the center of attention, not having any competition for attention and favor. She loves to share, but she has to be the o.ne to decide to share... and if she actually had brothers and sisters, such a thing wouldn't be her call. She'd have to share, even if it felt like it was killing her a little inside to do so!

So, I understand things that she doesn't: that she might love the idea of having a big family, but she probably wouldn't like it altogether, when it all came down to it.

That's particularly true on my end, in her life with me. It has ALWAYS been Just Us with me and her, from the moment that I walked out of the hospital, in absolute terror and self-doubt, with her newborn self in my arms. It has ALWAYS been "Just Me and You, ," where she and I are concerned.

And while she wants (or believes she wants) something more from this part of her split life, while she wants a male-figure bopping around at M.ommy's side... and if he has ready-made sisters/brothers to offer to the mix, even better! And a dog...? Perfect! She wants those things, but I a.m not sure she'd be happy to actually get them. I cannot say for certain that she wouldn't deeply resent anyone or anything that cut into the exclusive, undivided attention that she's received from me since the time she drew her first breath.

Yet the biggest of my hopes and wishes for this year is to find that out. I would like to get myself- and her- in a position where we can find out what it's like to introduce a man into our Just-Us life and dynamic. We came close to it in early 2017, when I reconnected with my "First Love," who she also got to know and spend time with. And while we had some prickly moments over the whole thing, she was ultimately receptive to making compromises and sacrificing bits of my attention for the bigger picture of the bigger family that she really kind of aches to have.

I don't know if it's going to be this current new man in my life who puts us into the position of "finding out," but if it is, I know she'd be pleased by a number of things, including the fact that he has a (a new , but I know Squinkie would groove on that, given where she is with things overall) and a dog... and he works in IT and is into music... and he's just got the cool, smart, laid-back, fun, geeky dad sort of thing that we BOTH find enchanting.

Yet even if not- if it doesn't work out with this fellow... I a.m not going to give up. The days are getting steadily shorter- and I don't just mean in terms of the season. And if there's only so much sunlight to be had in the span of a day, of a week, of a life... I'd really like to try to get as much of it as possible, while I can.

I a.m a silly sap for both o.ld movies and romantic movies, and o.ne that qualifies as both is An Affair to Remember, the classic with Deborah Kerr and Carey Grant- a remake to begin with (the original featuring Irene Dunne and Charles Boyer), which was remade again with Warren Beatty and Annette Bening (eventually Bening-Beatty).

The middle version is my favorite, but what I love about all of them is the underlying idea that we have to take chances, have to reach for happiness- and for love- while we are able, even if the path to doing so is difficult- or even seemingly impossible.

Because... what else is there?

We are all getting older. And for me, not just older, but actually OLD. And another winter approaches. And as the film reminds in o.ne of my favorite lines: "Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories."

My hope and wish for this winter, for this year, is to start building warm memories again.

I hope that all of my sexy friends either have a wealth of warm memories, or that you are living lives that constantly create them. And I hope that this Tuesday has been full of them, from start to finish!

xoxox
GG69


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 5:03 pm

Apologies for not having memes or pics for this... and for the perhaps somber tone. I hope that the hope shines through above it all! xoxo


40Deuce 43M
5727 posts
9/4/2018 5:15 pm

Apologize for lack of memes and pics ? Never I say . Every now and then take a stand for the written word .

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Tmptrzz 57F
86985 posts
9/4/2018 5:30 pm

The first day of school was always a fun day, and I know what it's like having blended families as my four children are from my first marriage. This marriage we have no kids together and I always wanted that, but he does have a daughter that I helped raise for eight years. My kids love my husband as they hated their dead beat dad!!

I hope sometime soon you can find that love and hopefully give your daughter a step sibling. Its hard being an only child sometimes as I have heard it's gets pretty lonely. So I hope she had a great first day at school, and I am so looking forward to winter myself as fall and winter are probably my favorite times of the year..

Just your average every day run of the mill nana here!!!


Platosgames 98M  
3182 posts
9/4/2018 5:39 pm

When I got divorced my youngest was only 3. She used to ask me the same thing as the years went by..why aren't you married and alone. I just told her I was happy, and I wasn't alone. I have all my kids.

She's 16 now. She understands why I'm not married to her mother. It was things I didn't want to be the one to tell her, but her mom finally did. So she at least did that right. My daughter still asks at times if I'm ever getting married. Maybe I should have her read my latest blog post....haha, maybe not.

" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


BeverD829 49F

9/4/2018 7:44 pm

is just amazing how our young ones , the ones we are supposed to be teaching , molding often become the beacon in finding out more about ourselves . What a wonderful post about the love between a mother and daughter .

People you trust will hurt you , they don't mean to ....so be ready to forgive

If they block you , just forgive them without them knowing

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GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:04 pm

    Quoting 40Deuce:
    Apologize for lack of memes and pics ? Never I say . Every now and then take a stand for the written word .
Ahh... well, you can say that because you are a much more interesting person than I am- you don't need visual aids to keep people engaged!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:08 pm

    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    The first day of school was always a fun day, and I know what it's like having blended families as my four children are from my first marriage. This marriage we have no kids together and I always wanted that, but he does have a daughter that I helped raise for eight years. My kids love my husband as they hated their dead beat dad!!

    I hope sometime soon you can find that love and hopefully give your daughter a step sibling. Its hard being an only child sometimes as I have heard it's gets pretty lonely. So I hope she had a great first day at school, and I am so looking forward to winter myself as fall and winter are probably my favorite times of the year..
Thank you so much! I love hearing about people who find a way to have not-lonely lives! I don't think of myself as a romantic, but I suppose (being honest) I really kind of am.

Even if it's another alone-winter, I AM looking forward to cooler temps and sweaters and chili and soup... and snuggling up under a warm blanket, even if it is only by myself for with my girl.

Bring it on, fall!!

Thank you for being here. xoxox


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:14 pm

    Quoting Platosgames:
    When I got divorced my youngest was only 3. She used to ask me the same thing as the years went by..why aren't you married and alone. I just told her I was happy, and I wasn't alone. I have all my kids.

    She's 16 now. She understands why I'm not married to her mother. It was things I didn't want to be the one to tell her, but her mom finally did. So she at least did that right. My daughter still asks at times if I'm ever getting married. Maybe I should have her read my latest blog post....haha, maybe not.
It's good that your daughter understands. I think that mine does, too, in her own way. But she WANTS something more- she wants something more like a family... not just a Mommy and kid, kicking around alone through life. And I'd like for her to see what it looks like, having a relationship, so that she'll have some concept of it- and something to build on- when she gets older. I'd hate for my girl to think that the norm is being alone, as she may confine herself to that... and miss out on a world of pleasure and the glory of sharing a life with someone.

Thanks so much for contributing!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:18 pm

    Quoting  :

You're very sweet- thank you! I am not sure that I even want to "stay young," however. I'd rather be able to move into getting old without feeling that I'm losing something... which I think can only happen if you have someone who accepts and loves you, regardless of how many birthdays you have under your belt.

Thank you for coming by- I appreciate it!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:19 pm

    Quoting  :

That's the hope- thank you!


lok4fun500 110M
47806 posts
9/4/2018 8:20 pm

WHAT??? NO MEME's???
My girls were 9 and six when I divorced...the 6 year old blamed her now step Mom but we had to get her to realize her Mom and I were divorced long before I even met present Mrs!




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GratefulGirl69 51F

9/4/2018 8:21 pm

    Quoting BeverD829:
    is just amazing how our young ones , the ones we are supposed to be teaching , molding often become the beacon in finding out more about ourselves . What a wonderful post about the love between a mother and daughter .
Thank you! My daughter surely does teach and guide me... even if only in my desire to give her the sort of life that she deserves. I appreciate your comment- thank you!


Platosgames 98M  
3182 posts
9/4/2018 9:09 pm

    Quoting GratefulGirl69:
    It's good that your daughter understands. I think that mine does, too, in her own way. But she WANTS something more- she wants something more like a family... not just a Mommy and kid, kicking around alone through life. And I'd like for her to see what it looks like, having a relationship, so that she'll have some concept of it- and something to build on- when she gets older. I'd hate for my girl to think that the norm is being alone, as she may confine herself to that... and miss out on a world of pleasure and the glory of sharing a life with someone.

    Thanks so much for contributing!
I think that is a very astute opinion. In a perfect world, I would have liked to seen none of my kids grow up in a single parent household. One of the reasons I stuck it out as long as I did.

But it seems words that were spoken to me by a old friend of the family, back when I was in my 20's, turned out to be fairly accurate. Nowadays, people get married for better or worse, just not for long.

I think what you seek for yourself is great, but what you seek for your daughter is admirable. Just remember that she'll also learn to be as strong as you are,even if it's only the two of you kicking it through life.

Always a pleasure reading your blog.

" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


MyBaffies 51M
4422 posts
9/5/2018 1:22 am

We're just heading into autumn here and the drop in temperatures has been very noticeable - not looking forward to winter and the heating bills, can't we hang on to summer a bit longer?

Baffies

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Chuckk48 64M
1320 posts
9/5/2018 4:48 pm

In all areas you play the hand you're dealt. You make the memories you can make. Knowing you've done the best you can with the hand you have has got to be satisfaction enough.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:08 pm

    Quoting lok4fun500:
    WHAT??? NO MEME's???
    My girls were 9 and six when I divorced...the 6 year old blamed her now step Mom but we had to get her to realize her Mom and I were divorced long before I even met present Mrs!
LOL! I know... me being meme-less is kind of a tragedy! Making up for it today!

It surely must be difficult when kids are caught up in the end of a relationship. That's one thing I haven't had to deal with, as her father and I were never really together- he was a fling, and birth control failed. So, she never saw us together, nothing was broken between us along the way... we never had a "together" to begin with. I don't know if that makes it harder or easier, or simply different.

I appreciate you sharing- thank you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:15 pm

    Quoting Platosgames:
    I think that is a very astute opinion. In a perfect world, I would have liked to seen none of my kids grow up in a single parent household. One of the reasons I stuck it out as long as I did.

    But it seems words that were spoken to me by a old friend of the family, back when I was in my 20's, turned out to be fairly accurate. Nowadays, people get married for better or worse, just not for long.

    I think what you seek for yourself is great, but what you seek for your daughter is admirable. Just remember that she'll also learn to be as strong as you are,even if it's only the two of you kicking it through life.

    Always a pleasure reading your blog.
Thank you. I was sorely tempted to marry her father when I got pregnant- part of the reason he harbors such deep hate for me is that I refused to do so. But I figured that being a father and being a husband are 2 very different things- and I just wasn't going to accept him as a partner simply because he was going to be my child's father. If THAT make sense. In the end, I've been oh, so very glad for the decision... her youngest years would have been hideous, not simply conflicted, if he and I had tried to make a relationship work. I am hoping that someday she understands and appreciates all that she was spared from by my choice to take this path. Though she may end up hating me, spending thousands of dollars in therapy to cure her childhood ills... who knows??? LOL

Thanks so very much for sharing- and for the kind words.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:16 pm

    Quoting MyBaffies:
    We're just heading into autumn here and the drop in temperatures has been very noticeable - not looking forward to winter and the heating bills, can't we hang on to summer a bit longer?
Oh goodness... we're stuck in steady 90+ degree days with high humidity- I could use a bit of a cooldown... please send it my way!!

Thanks for commenting!!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:23 pm

    Quoting  :

We DO seem to be neighbors of a sort, in an abstract sense- perhaps even kin... and I very much appreciate it! It's a true delight to be able to listen to and share with people whose experiences are similar enough to inspire a sense of relation, but unique enough to pique interest- and result in having a wider view of things overall.

I LOVES me some old movies... and YES, it should surely be a topic of discussion. I know there are some long-standing collective endeavors that bloggers engage in, like HNW and symposiums... and maybe it could be fun to start a new run of something like that- like a Flashback day where people talk about something from childhood... or a Vintage flicks day, where everyone shares about an old movie they love.

Of course, I have NO idea how to coordinate such a thing, I just think it would be a cool idea! It's always fun when people are on the same page on things... or at least in the same chapter!

Thanks, as always for your attention and contribution. I hope all is going well. And even if winter is a bit further off, Fri is almost impending! xoxoxo


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:27 pm

    Quoting Chuckk48:
    In all areas you play the hand you're dealt. You make the memories you can make. Knowing you've done the best you can with the hand you have has got to be satisfaction enough.
Yes, I do essentially agree. But I'm not one to roll over and lie down and take it when I'm not happy with my situation. I will always try to make things better for daughter and myself. This gal is not a quitter.


citizen4722 62M  
68460 posts
9/6/2018 8:37 am

I've missed out on not having children of my own. I want to love again but I need to read the book again


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:56 pm

It's hard and scary- I want it, but am not entirely sure I can do it. But I am going to try.

Thank you. xoxoxo


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