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Yours, Mine & Ours - Introverts United  

GratefulGirl69 51F
1489 posts
9/5/2018 4:48 pm
Yours, Mine & Ours - Introverts United


After spending the better part of nearly t.wo y.ears pursuing and engaging in primarily (if not exclusively) sexual relationships, it has been taking a bit of thought and effort to adjust to the needs and demands of a traditional relationship. Physical compatibility is just as critical as it is in a casual situation, but there also has to be more- there has to be some level of emotional and intellectual compatibility, too, as well as an alignment in communication styles and personality types.

No wonder it's so challenging! A lot of things have to be right and need to fall into place in just the right ways to avoid being in a situation with someone that is fraught with constant conflict, misunderstanding, and miscommunication.

While it is said that "opposites attract," and while it may be that certain people with certain opposing characteristics can maintain harmonious interactions, it does seem (to me, at least) that things are easier all around if partners share certain core traits.



The trait that has made the most difference in the success (and failure) of my past relationships has been in the extrovert-introvert thing- and how close together my partners and I have fallen on that spectrum.

There are a number of different ways to define both personality types, and I don't really know which is the o.ne that tends to be most accurate to most people. But the definition that seems to be on-the-money to me is the o.ne relating to energy... namely, where people draw it from.



For extroverts, being around and engaging with people gives them energy- it gets them charged up. For introverts, social interactions and activities drain their energy, and they need to spend time alone to recharge. Both can equally enjoy something like a big party, but the extrovert is going to come home from it feeling amped up, while the introvert is going to feel tapped out.

I a.m, and have always been, far on the introvert end of the spectrum. In every type of personality assessment measure, from the Jungian framework to the Meyers-Briggs scale, I always come up as deeply introverted. Not that I need a test to tell me that, of course! I enjoy socializing with others, and I can even seem like an extrovert with my comfort in doing things like teaching a class or taking the stage in front of a large audience for a presentation. But those things exhaust me on a very deep level, and I need- absolutely, positively, unequivocally NEED- to have a certain amount of time alone, engaging in my own personal/private activities.



Given the fundamental differences between types, and given how deeply rooted I a.m in introversion, it is probably no surprise that I have never been able to make a real go of it with an extrovert. It's likewise no surprise that the longest relationship of my life so far, which was my former marriage, involved someone who was equally introverted.

We were both essentially loners who required our own spheres of space, privacy, and individual pursuits... and we created and maintained a space for shared activities and mutual interaction. Like o.ne of those diagrams with two circles overlapping a bit- there was "his," there was "mine," and there was a common space of "ours."

Even our home of 13 y.ears contained a tangible expression of the two-introverts-united dynamic of our relationship. We had a three-bedroom house, and being childless and without any need to allocate space to anyone else, we had a shared bedroom, and then we each had our own rooms. We called them our "computer rooms" because we had our own PCs, but my room was mostly like a library ( o.ne where blasting music was not just permitted, but welcomed, I should add! ), and his was the classic "Man Cave," with a full-sized video game and exercise equipment.

When we got home from work, which was almost always at the same time, we'd spend a little bit of time together, mostly just to change into comfortable clothes and talk about dinner, but then we'd each go do our own thing for an hour or so, with whoever was doing the cooking that night eventually rattling around in the kitchen. Then we would eat dinner together, talk about our days and share news before settling down for a couple of hours to a movie, TV, a game, or whatever we were into at the time. Then we'd part ways again for a bit- back to our computers or books or TV or music or garden or whatever... and then coming together again when it was time for bed (and everything done in it).



It seemed so natural and right- and downright healthy and enjoyable- to structure both our home and our routines in such a way that it surprised me when others expressed shock, even concern, when learning how we did things. Similarly, I found myself shocked, even concerned, when hearing about couples who spent every possible moment of their time together at home actually together. Like, attached at the hip, it seemed to me. Having no individual hobbies or interests, only engaging in things that they could do with each other.

The mere idea of it- of never having a moment to yourself or anything in your life outside of the mutual... of not having two circles with an overlapping section, but having two circles completely overlaying each other... ACK! For as much as I loved my ex-husband and enjoyed his company (which I did, for a long time), the idea of that kind of situation caused an overwhelming sensation of claustrophobia.



I was not capable of handling such a thing earlier in my life, and there is absolutely NO WAY in hell that I could handle it now, after being single for just about a dozen . There's no amount of loneliness that I could suffer from and no amount of desire that I could feel for another person that could leave me wanting to be at someone's side all of the time. It would drain and unnerve me to frighteningly unhealthy extents. I need my time alone, I need my own things, I need my space.

As such, that was something high on my list of criteria (really, at the "dealbreaker" level) when deciding to take a shot at the traditional relationship thing- I needed a partner who is also an introvert and would not only give me room to breathe, but would require it for himself. And of the many, many things to recommend the man that I can now officially call my "boyfriend" ( even though I really don't like the juvenile-sounding term... we need to come up with something better than that! ), o.ne that I intensely appreciate- and surely couldn't do without- is that he wants and needs to maintain his own personal space, just as much as I do. Thank goodness!



But how about you, sexy friends? Do you identify yourself as an extrovert or an introvert? Is it important to you to have a partner of the same type? And if/when you've been in a serious, long-term relationship, did you each have your own things and spaces (or even rooms)?

A curious mind would love to know! And that same mind hopes that everyone is having a hump day as good as mine!

xoxox
GG69


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 4:50 pm

LOL
[image]


NewName62 57M
11928 posts
9/5/2018 5:01 pm

Innie.

[gulp]
Aaaaand...I just got hard.


Chuckk48 64M
1319 posts
9/5/2018 5:09 pm

I am defiantly an introvert. I have always been a bit of a loner. I read The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost and it has stuck with me all my life "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I always find myself gravitating toward doing things differently then everyone else does them. Sometimes it pays off, quite often it doesn't. Despite my failures I tend to try to isolate myself from the crowd.


Platosgames 98M  
3182 posts
9/5/2018 5:13 pm

I'm an anomaly, I'm certainly extroverted. I talk with anyone, love being around people. Yet, I also like being alone for a weekend at the beach. I tend to get along with people that are extroverts though.

BTW, like the changed profile pic, didn't know if it was new or just a different one. Great pic though.

" I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx


isitbreaktime2 54M

9/5/2018 5:28 pm

I'm an introvert who was married to an extrovert and it was our undoing. I couldn't handle all the plans, plans, plans. She never stood still and still doesn't. It was exhausting, lol.


7Diogenes 101M
1083 posts
9/5/2018 5:43 pm

I just went through a management training course where we had to take a profile test to determine our management styles and how to deal with those that work for us. It was enlightening, both from a professional and personal viewpoint. I blogged about it in a post titled "That Ship Has Sailed"

Then some of us took the Myers-Briggs. No surprise to find out I am a ISTJ. At least I know myself. One of the women, who I didn't get along with, at all, came up the same personality type. Go figure.

Thank you for the thought provoking post. Again.

When one door closes, another one opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work.
Dio39s Disclaimer


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:49 pm

That's a great way to put it- thank you! I seem to be in innie in every way possible!!

I appreciate your comment!!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:51 pm

    Quoting  :

I can understand that- it's often very productive and rewarding to connect with someone who is an opposite because it helps to draw those things out in us. It's just been my experience that, after enough time, fundamental differences in nature start to grate and agitate and exhaust. But that it just my personal experience, and I have no doubt that plenty of people have had different experiences.

Thank you for contributing!


BiggLala 48F  
28930 posts
9/5/2018 5:54 pm

People often find it surprising when I tell them I'm an introvert. Like you, I can easily stand in front of a group of people and talk (imagine that), like when I conducted training at work. Training and being around people energizes me to a point, but too much, and I fizzle. That is when I need my alone time.

Need a way to message ALL members?...click here for helpful instructions in setting up a private messaging blog post.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 5:55 pm

    Quoting  :

I'm with you! When you have something that's personally enjoyable that you can share with someone else, it's really rewarding. Kind of like the idea of "parallel play"- like the way very young kids play separately together... each doing your own thing, but doing it together. THAT is the ideal to me.

Thank you for commenting! And welcome to the blogs! Hope you stick around.


HeartCollector 63F

9/5/2018 5:59 pm

I think my friends would say I’m an extrovert. I’m not quite, but I’m not really an introvert either. The words "joined at the hip" make me shudder. I’m independent, I know that.

The gladdest hours we know are those shared with a friend or two. Wilbur D. Nesbit


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 6:00 pm

    Quoting Chuckk48:
    I am defiantly an introvert. I have always been a bit of a loner. I read The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost and it has stuck with me all my life "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."
    I always find myself gravitating toward doing things differently then everyone else does them. Sometimes it pays off, quite often it doesn't. Despite my failures I tend to try to isolate myself from the crowd.
I hear you. Even when I'm not trying to be different, even when I try hard to fit in and belong... well, it never quite works out. It troubled me in earlier life, led me to think that there was something wrong with me. And perhaps some will say that there IS! LOL But I've learned to be okay with who I am and what I need... and to seek others who find their own way, even if it's an infrequently traveled journey down an overgrown path. The oddest people are the most interesting ones, to me.

Thanks so much for contributing- I always appreciate it!


positively4you 71F  
4054 posts
9/5/2018 6:02 pm

I am an introvert until I am comfortable. Then you would want me to just shut up. I love extroverts. I guess I envy them.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 6:04 pm

    Quoting Platosgames:
    I'm an anomaly, I'm certainly extroverted. I talk with anyone, love being around people. Yet, I also like being alone for a weekend at the beach. I tend to get along with people that are extroverts though.

    BTW, like the changed profile pic, didn't know if it was new or just a different one. Great pic though.
I think that the odds are against extroverts online, to be honest, as the whole communicating-at-a-distance thing is prime introvert fare! But, that said, the social components of the internet world much surely be alluring to extroverts. And you make a good point... even the most extroverted people I've know still need time alone sometimes. I don't think that anyone can be around people ALL of the time. At least, not without the risk of losing their minds!

I appreciate your participation- thank you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 6:13 pm

    Quoting isitbreaktime2:
    I'm an introvert who was married to an extrovert and it was our undoing. I couldn't handle all the plans, plans, plans. She never stood still and still doesn't. It was exhausting, lol.
Oh boy, I get that. The thing with the extroverts I've been with is that they were always "ON." I can be ON sometimes for stretches, when need or desire dictates, but the flip has to be switched into the OFF position at some point... and preferably for lengthy amounts of time! There simply has to be real downtime from go-go-go and blah-blah-blah and the swirling cacophony of society and activity. There has to be peace. For me, anyway!

I'm always happy to see you- thank you.


Greyhawk47 50M

9/5/2018 6:21 pm

I have to say I am an introvert but I can bounce between the two from time to time.


Maize32 52M  
1379 posts
9/5/2018 6:43 pm

I read an article about another term that describes me, which is "ambivert." The definition of the word is: a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 6:56 pm

    Quoting 7Diogenes:
    I just went through a management training course where we had to take a profile test to determine our management styles and how to deal with those that work for us. It was enlightening, both from a professional and personal viewpoint. I blogged about it in a post titled "That Ship Has Sailed"

    Then some of us took the Myers-Briggs. No surprise to find out I am a ISTJ. At least I know myself. One of the women, who I didn't get along with, at all, came up the same personality type. Go figure.

    Thank you for the thought provoking post. Again.
Thanks for pointing out your blog- enjoyed discovering it!! I'm an INTJ, myself. A Mastermind, apparently. Who knew?? I'm clumsy and can barely keep out of my own way! LOL

I appreciate you visiting and contributing- thank you!!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 7:00 pm

    Quoting BiggLala:
    People often find it surprising when I tell them I'm an introvert. Like you, I can easily stand in front of a group of people and talk (imagine that), like when I conducted training at work. Training and being around people energizes me to a point, but too much, and I fizzle. That is when I need my alone time.
Exactly! People find it difficult to believe that introverts can be outgoing- positively public- when the need or desire arrives. But that's the way it is. I used to think that I was odd at best, a true freak at worst, for being that way... but knowing that so many others are the same way is a comfort. As a play on the goofy saying goes, "All introverts unite!... But separately, please!"

Thanks for coming by- it's good to see you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 7:02 pm

    Quoting HeartCollector:
    I think my friends would say I’m an extrovert. I’m not quite, but I’m not really an introvert either. The words "joined at the hip" make me shudder. I’m independent, I know that.
My understanding is that there IS a borderline type, those that walk the fence between being both introverted and extroverted, comfortable in both realms. You are probably one of those rare folks!

I appreciate you sharing- thank you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 7:07 pm

    Quoting positively4you:
    I am an introvert until I am comfortable. Then you would want me to just shut up. I love extroverts. I guess I envy them.
You know, I think that I do, too, on a certain level. For as much as I enjoy my alone-time, sometimes it gets to be too much, and I ache for company and sociability. But it's hard for me to make the connections and bridge the gap to NOT be alone... and I wish that I could be the sort who can walk into a place and feel comfortable, make friends with anyone and everyone. Maybe I don't want to be a complete extrovert, but I often wish I had a little bit bigger of a dose of that sort of thing in me.

I appreciate you sharing and making me realize that- thank you.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 7:09 pm

    Quoting Greyhawk47:
    I have to say I am an introvert but I can bounce between the two from time to time.
That's surely the best way to be! With your time on the road and interacting with so many different people from all over the place, I know it must be a helpful quality!

I hope all is going well and that you're feeling and doing well! xoxox


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/5/2018 7:10 pm

    Quoting Maize32:
    I read an article about another term that describes me, which is "ambivert." The definition of the word is: a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.
THAT is the word- thank you! I was reaching for it when responding to another comment, couldn't remember what it was called. I think that seems to be the best of both worlds- and is probably the most balanced way of being.

Thanks so much for mentioning that- and for coming by!


1SexyGoodguy 55M

9/5/2018 8:37 pm

Definitely more of an introvert. That map of an introvert's heart speaks loudly to me. However, when I am with someone, the introvert is less prominent and the line that separates the two types of people becomes more blurred.

Stay Sexy My Friend


Paulxx001 63M
16772 posts
9/5/2018 9:53 pm

I'm an introvert who can be an extrovert, as long as I have some time and space for myself. It's all about communication between couples. It'll all work out if you can communicate with each other.


easyrider4008 64M
1686 posts
9/6/2018 12:51 am

Hi, I am enjoying reading your blog. Not sure where I fit, probably more of an introvert, happy to go with the flow. Looking back at several long term relationships, they probably went better when I was prodded to take part in their activities rather than my own, which are a bit exclusive.


citizen4722 62M  
68376 posts
9/6/2018 8:32 am

I'm an introvert (no question). I'm actually a shy guy until you get to know me. In that respect, I tend to go for the same when looking for a partner.


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:42 pm

    Quoting  :

I think that lack of patience with small talk/idle chit chat is a good indicator of an introvert- if something doesn't serve a purpose, we usually feel that we're better off without it! So, welcome to the ranks! LOL

I appreciate your participation- thank you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:43 pm

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    I'm an introvert who can be an extrovert, as long as I have some time and space for myself. It's all about communication between couples. It'll all work out if you can communicate with each other.
I agree- for a relationship to work, people have to figure out what works for THEM, not try to follow some set of rules of "supposed to"s and "should"s. We're all unique, and every relationship is unique. Thanks so much!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:44 pm

    Quoting easyrider4008:
    Hi, I am enjoying reading your blog. Not sure where I fit, probably more of an introvert, happy to go with the flow. Looking back at several long term relationships, they probably went better when I was prodded to take part in their activities rather than my own, which are a bit exclusive.
Thank you for the kind words- and for sharing... I appreciate it!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:49 pm

    Quoting  :

I love that phrase, "performer introvert"... it really captures the essence of those who can put it all out there, aren't shy or afraid of being seen (as some think is an innate characteristic of an introvert), but still need to be alone to recharge. I once saw read something about introverts- that we're often more comfortable being in front of a crowd of 300 people than we are in being in a cluster of only 3.

Thanks so much for sharing- I appreciate seeing you come by!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:50 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    I'm an introvert (no question). I'm actually a shy guy until you get to know me. In that respect, I tend to go for the same when looking for a partner.
You're very sweet, as shy guys tend to be! Yes, it does seem to go much smoother when two people are on the same page in terms of what they want and can handle socially.

As always, it's great to see you!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:51 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you- I appreciate the well wishes!


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/6/2018 7:54 pm

    Quoting  :

Oh wow- thank you so very much for your generous words. And wise words- I hadn't thought about it, but it IS true that we put so much effort into knowing and being at terms with ourselves- it doesn't make sense to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't Get It, so to speak, and/or who hasn't also come to a point of equal self-knowledge.

I very much appreciate your insights- and thank you for coming by. My blog will be up for a few more days, but then I'm checking out. But I'm glad to have met you before I go- thank you!


author51 57F  
102214 posts
9/7/2018 6:31 am

Being the youngest of a large family and the only one who enjoyed reading, I forever had my nose in a book. Locked away for hours in my bedroom, in order to find my own space, as I did not like a lot of noise around me.

I was extremely shy, quiet and reserved around others outside my family, until they really got to know me well. Only then would I open up, feeling comfortable with them. I would blush at the drop of a hat and wrote a blog about what makes one blush. I still blush if compliments come my way and laugh when I am nervous.

Most of that all changed once I started to teach the wee ones how to ice skate. My inner extrovert came out of hiding along with my inner child. Along with that even though I have always enjoyed singing, and with school choirs, my brother was lead singer for a popular band here in town. He hauled me up onstage one night as we would sing duet at home with each other, and the rest is history. I loved being center stage and belting it out with my brother.

My introverted ways have now been a thing of the past and the red head took over from there..

I shall miss reading your work but understand completely the negative workings of this site... Good luck with everything and take care of yourself..

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


GratefulGirl69 51F

9/7/2018 1:22 pm

    Quoting author51:
    Being the youngest of a large family and the only one who enjoyed reading, I forever had my nose in a book. Locked away for hours in my bedroom, in order to find my own space, as I did not like a lot of noise around me.

    I was extremely shy, quiet and reserved around others outside my family, until they really got to know me well. Only then would I open up, feeling comfortable with them. I would blush at the drop of a hat and wrote a blog about what makes one blush. I still blush if compliments come my way and laugh when I am nervous.

    Most of that all changed once I started to teach the wee ones how to ice skate. My inner extrovert came out of hiding along with my inner child. Along with that even though I have always enjoyed singing, and with school choirs, my brother was lead singer for a popular band here in town. He hauled me up onstage one night as we would sing duet at home with each other, and the rest is history. I loved being center stage and belting it out with my brother.

    My introverted ways have now been a thing of the past and the red head took over from there..

    I shall miss reading your work but understand completely the negative workings of this site... Good luck with everything and take care of yourself..
Thank you! All the best to you, as well!


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