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Dealing with loneliness  

Ianpoman 76M  
76 posts
11/29/2017 1:08 am
Dealing with loneliness


Sexless marriage? Lonely but loyal? Therapy aka marriage counseling? Different sexual self-understandings? I've struggled with all those questions openly, intensely, and all through life. I've learned on AdultFriendFinder that even though we're all different, there are bonds that weave us together as well. My sex drive has always been enormous but fears and anxiety helped me restrain my sexual desires. Advice to be open and honest is wise but only in the context of mutuality, or shared respect, of the ability to consent to sane, safe sexual activity without implicit or explicit coercion. Implicit coercion has to do with power imbalances: your position to employ, teach, advance, influence my future can damage my position of ignorance, confusion, neediness, vulnerability. Explicit power imbalance: open, one-way harassment, assault, abuse, coercion as if your feelings were all that mattered and I was just there to pleasure you. Say what?

What does sex have to do with loneliness? When you eventually work out a sane regard for your own sexual needs as well as the needs of the one you are or want to be sexual with, then you feel a certain contentment. It can happen that your partner no longer wants or is no longer able or interested in sex with you or quite possibly with anyone else either, then you are faced with the pain of what to do.

Some of us leave the relationship, get divorced. Some of us use porn to siphon off the frustration of the spigot of lust that doesn't shut off. Some of us go out and risk having fun, getting caught, catching something we didn't want. Outside of this site there are swarms of people who are all too eager to hurl epithets like Cheater! or Slut! or worse.

For me fidelity does not mean sexclusivity. That's exactly what it means to many if not most people. If the dynamics in marriage change, it is possible to cope with loneliness as mentioned here, but the loneliness may not disappear. Freud taught that the aim of therapy is not to eliminate suffering but to move it from neurotic (self-imposed) suffering to normal suffering we all experience as part of being alive.

Lonely? Yes. We're not alone though. In some ways we're allone--all one. Between the walls that divide us we are ONE. "l" one "l" y? Sorry, I couldn't resist playing with the word l one l y. Have an exceptional holiday.

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