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On demanding honesty and our fear of not being "good enough"  

Ianpoman 76M  
79 posts
1/4/2020 1:51 am
On demanding honesty and our fear of not being "good enough"


No one wants to be abused or humiliated really. It takes guts to be we are. I don't see the point in "coming " if it's only going to ruin relationships we love and are committed to, even though imperfectly. I think the demand for honesty is really a demand that the one we want to with wants what we want and is as safe and sane as we are. Since many of us feel insecure--especially if we're "different"--we may be afraid to be honest. Lying breaks trust but it can make us feel better at the moment. And people in pain want relief. Some prefer alcohol, others , others sex, and on and on. But these behaviors are to relieve pain--psychological and emotional pain. God knows our culture is extremely judgmental and harsh. Not all of us are confident in being ourselves. We fudge to fit in lol . Sad but not bad. At least understandable, imo.

Being honest is a worthy goal. Because our culture is so ambivalent about sexual efficacy/confidence, it's really hard to be honest unless you fit the norms and expectations of the culture. If you're gay or bi or trans or queer (!!!) or otherwise "different" you have to feel safe and confident to be honest. That's not going to work for people think only they are honest but are suspicious of anyone else's "honesty". People have reasons for lying. Condemning "them" may be less effective than trying to understand what "they are afraid of. Particularly when it comes to sex. Just a thought.

BiggLala 48F  
28950 posts
1/4/2020 9:27 am

It's actually not that difficult to be honest...the majority of the time. There almost always an insecurity (read: fear) associated with being dishonest...afraid of how someone will react, hurting another person's feelings, they'll stop liking/loving you, avoiding actual violence, etc. There's also lying to obtain a perceived gain.

The temporary 'good' feelings of lying are nothing compared to the weight lying adds to one's life. There is truth to what's said that, "the truth shall set you free."

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Ianpoman 76M  
74 posts
1/5/2020 4:35 am

Great comment. Thanks for furthering the conversation, BiggLala. Honesty is the plumb line of our character. It's natural and easier to be honest about who we are. When we feel cornered or trapped or humiliated or about to become so, we may resort to lying. Doesn't often work out well, definitely not over the long run. I think AdultFriendFinder is a great place to be ourselves, honestly.


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