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Passionate Desire  

Joejo613 56M
35 posts
9/22/2021 1:03 pm

Last Read:
10/6/2021 2:47 am

Passionate Desire

of course i fucked it up.

Our eyes affix
and we lasciviously gaze
Passionate craving lit ablaze
Our arms entwine
with arousing embrace
, quivering bodies
Excitingly graze
I ache for relief
She moans with desire
Euphoric bliss
scorch us like fire


I completely rewrote the poem. I'll leave it alone this time because if I keep playing with it I'll never finish it. Which version do you think is better? The original is above. My good friend, 's in the comments below, said the original version is more attention grabbing. I respect her opinion. I still had change a word ot two though

My eyes meet yours, and yours meet mine,
We gaze for a time,
Our lips we pressed and tongues entwined,
the passionate craving was sublime.
Our hands caressed, touched and explored,
, naked bodies our senses adored.
Voracious desire and overpowering lust,
i urgently had grasp her and thrust.
She moaned with great pleasure,
clenched fists scratched my back,
our bodies quaked with a tumultuous blast.





𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓼𝓮𝔁 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝓹𝓪𝓹𝓮𝓻 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓸𝓯 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓮. - 𝓙𝓸𝓼𝓮𝓹𝓱


author51 58F
123737 posts
9/23/2021 9:14 am

    Quoting Joejo613:
    I'm not satisfied with some words I used. it lacks the passion the protagonists should feel. A definite edit is in the future.
I definitely like the first one more. It grabbed and held my attention. You are a wonderful writer..xoxo


Joejo613 replies on 9/23/2021 9:46 am:
Thank you Joy. I'll trust your jusdgement.

G000dbuddy 34M  
538 posts
9/23/2021 1:08 am

Nice


Joejo613 replies on 9/23/2021 1:35 am:
Thank you goodbuddy

author51 58F
123737 posts
9/23/2021 12:25 am

It is a nice read still Hun. We are our own worst critics when it comes to writing aren't we?....xoxo


Joejo613 replies on 9/23/2021 1:26 am:
well, the same word in the first two verses. Sloppy. Also, i'm not pleased with the eyes embracing. it needs something else. Ack=hingfor relief doesn't quite say it. It needs more intense lust. but not something that seems to objectify. if I change that I can get both antagonists to harmonize while still being self absorbed. I over think, lol

Joejo613 replies on 9/24/2021 4:05 pm:
Joy, I put the original version first, but, with a small alteration. I respect you opinion. Thanks

Joejo613 56M
42 posts
9/22/2021 6:48 pm

I'm not satisfied with some words I used. it lacks the passion the protagonists should feel. A definite edit is in the future.

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓼𝓮𝔁 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝓹𝓪𝓹𝓮𝓻 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓸𝓯 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓮. - 𝓙𝓸𝓼𝓮𝓹𝓱


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