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I HOPE THIS BRINGS A CHUCKLE!!
Posted:May 28, 2020 2:10 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
191 Views

A neat summary of some of the quaint things that affect us today...

LIFE IN TODAY’S WORLD!!

- 2019: Stay away from negative people. - 2020: Stay away from positive people.

- The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their are yelling at them to stay indoors!

- You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers.

- This virus has done what no woman has been able to do ... cancel sports, shut down bars, and keep men at home!!!

- Do not call the police suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

- Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

- Day 7 at home and the is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

- Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

- I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

- Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

- Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two can’t follow directions.

- I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

- When this is over ... what meeting do I attend first ... Weight Watchers or AA?

- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about car rides.
0 Comments
It's sort of Ironic, When everybody has all this time
Posted:Mar 26, 2020 8:56 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
377 Views

It's sort of Ironic, When everybody has all this time because of the world slow down, We aren't supposed meet anybody.

Me I'm using my time work on paperwork, Exercise, try lose a about # get my BMI where it should be. Do work around the house, spring cleaning, sorting boxes of stuff, I haven't gone thru in years (I think if I haven't needed it in 3-5 yrs I don't need keep it)

Well, I hope everybody else is doing something productive with all this "Spare Time".
0 Comments
My job search
Posted:May 17, 2019 3:05 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
1885 Views

My job search

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it ... I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15.SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
0 Comments
Thought for the Day:
Posted:Dec 10, 2018 5:43 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2019 3:06 am
2056 Views

Thought for the Day:

I’ve been sick and NEEDED a doctor. I’ve encountered trouble and NEEDED a police officer. I’ve lived through times of war, when our nation NEEDED our military. I have even NEEDED an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter and a lot of other every-day people.

But I have NEVER, not even once, NEEDED a pro athlete or Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING.
1 comment
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren’t..
Posted:Nov 18, 2018 7:26 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2019 3:10 am
2146 Views

Just in time for American Thanksgiving,
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren’t...

“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Just lay back & take it easy ... I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
2 Comments
we’re all gay
Posted:Jun 15, 2018 4:59 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2019 3:07 am
2443 Views

“Listen to me when I tell you this: we’re all gay; it’s just to what extent are you gay.”

He goes, “That’s bullshit. I ain’t gay at all.”

I’m like, “Yeah you are, and I’ll prove it to you.”

He goes, “Fine. Prove it.”

I’m like, “Alright. Do you like porn?”

He goes, “Yeah, I love porn. You know that.”

I’m like, “Do you only watch enes with women together?”

“No, I watch a man and a woman making love.”

“Do you like the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?”

He goes, “No, I like big, hard, throbbing cocks.”
1 comment
One Liners
Posted:Apr 1, 2018 11:52 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
2755 Views

Algebra – what mermaids wear to hold up their breasts.

Cannibals serve food at a wake. It saves a lot on the burial costs...

Adam was a White man. Did you ever try to take a rib from a Black man?

A candidate for the police force was asked, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother”? He replied, “Call for backup.”

When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same when you are stupid.

People my age are so much older than me.

I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds...

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. Using my phone as a flashlight...

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One needs tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen...
0 Comments
Count how many of the following you remember!
Posted:Jan 4, 2018 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2018 11:53 am
3269 Views

Count how many of the following you remember!

blackjack chewing gum

wax coke shaped bottles with colored water

candy cigarettes

soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

party lines (for the ph)

newsreels before the movie

P.F. flyers

butch wax

teleph numbers with a word prefix (olive - 6933)

peashooters

Howdy Doody

45 RPM records

78 RPM records

Records

S & H Green stamps

hi-fi’s

metal ice trays with levers

mimeograph paper

blue flashbulbs

Beanie and Cecil

Rollerskate keys

cork popguns

drive ins

Studebakers

Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 - You’re still young!

If you remember 6-10 - You’re getting older!

If you remembered 11-15, don’t tell your age!

If you remembered 16-25, you’re older than dirt! (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!)
3 Comments
A oldie , But I still like it
Posted:Oct 4, 2017 8:18 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2018 11:53 am
3918 Views

Banana Loaf

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN!!!!!!!!
0 Comments
laying awake at night wondering
Posted:Sep 7, 2017 9:40 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
4434 Views

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing...

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’ em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
0 Comments
Applies to a lot of drivers in Florida
Posted:Aug 25, 2017 12:10 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
4791 Views

Two old ladies are in the car. The passenger says to the driver: May-Bell, that is the third red light you've driven through without stopping.

May-Bell answers: Oh, wait-a-min ... am I driving?

Applies to a lot of drivers in Florida, not just the old ones, Seeing too many running red lights.
0 Comments
Hind Lick Maneuver
Posted:Aug 3, 2017 6:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
5103 Views

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”
0 Comments
election qualifications
Posted:Jul 24, 2017 7:27 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2020 1:40 pm
5078 Views

A man walks into the election office and says to the receptionist: “I want to put my name forward for the coming election.”

Receptionist: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”

As he fills in the form, he comes to the question: ‘‘Are you circumcised?”

He turns to the receptionist, and points to the question: “Is this one necessary?”

Receptionist: “Circumcised men are ineligible, sir”.

“Why is that,” he asks?

Receptionist: “To be a genuine politician, you must be a complete prick.”
0 Comments

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