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Definition of Dominance  

LiveLifeDoU 65F  
1180 posts
8/12/2017 1:44 pm
Definition of Dominance

Though I did not watch the movie nor did I read the book, ’50 Shades of Gray’, I do think that title fits the BDSM lifestyle that I have been looking into recently. The public chat room ‘basement’ has many members who are very willing to talk about and answer any questions anyone has. There is also a private group room called BDSM Discussion that is the same way. I am grateful for the openness of these friends to indulge my constant barrage of questions.

So, if you think BDSM means pain and punishment, ropes and chains and whips….it can mean that. But it doesn’t have to mean that. The BDSM lifestyle is an agreement between two adults…so if you are interested in other aspects of the lifestyle but not the pain, ropes, chains, etc…that’s ok. It’s your choice. You find a Dom that fits your needs and you fit his. If you are interested in the pain, ropes, chains, etc, you just find a Dom who is also interested in that.

If you think it means one person in the relationship is a Dominant and the other is Submissive…it is that. There are many different, equally valid definitions of what a Dominant is and what a Submissive is. Many, many shades of gray. Again, the two adults in the relationship talk extensively about their needs and agree, completely. You never do anything with anyone without talking about it first and making the decision…is it what you want?

A friend gave me a link to a website about the BDSM lifestyle that I can’t, of course, post here. But if you look up Submissive and Loving, you should find it. Be forewarned though: it is written extremely well but it is just a few outlooks on the BDSM lifestyle….remember that if you don’t like or agree with something they have written, it just means you are a different shade of gray and they constantly tell you…that is ok. Be who you are. It’s your life. Your choice. What they have written often is a stepping stone for me to prepare questions for my more experienced friends. And I am sure there are many, many places to read about the BDSM Lifestyle.

A lot of what I have read seems to focus on describing the sub’s role regarding fulfilling the Dom’s needs. I kept on asking myself: what about the sub’s needs? My specific needs. I could not find a lot written about how the Dom was going to fulfill her needs…until I got to one article on the site. Mind you, I read a lot about both Doms and Subs before I got to this one article. I knew that it is the desire of the sub to please the Dom. To please him IS satisfying her needs. I could see that…but…there was this nagging question in my head. If a sub constantly strives to please the Dom, to fulfill his needs…and a lot was written about the Dom teaching and communicating to his Sub exactly what she needed to be and do in order to satisfy all his needs….his needs….what about her needs, beyond her satisfaction of pleasing him?

Finally, I came upon this one article that shed more light on the lifestyle itself, to me, in my opinion. Here is a list of what I read about a Dom…remember: many, many shades of gray so this list is something meaningful to me…it may not be to you…or some parts may be, others not.

- A Dom is conscious that his Sub has needs too (besides sexual needs). He sees great value in continually helping to guide his Sub in her development as a human being. He is secure enough to feel no threat from her growth. He encourages and guides this development and feels great pride in her achievements. He spurs her on to succeed.

- There is a need for trust and complete honesty. This, to me, is the number 1 big thing.

- Because of this complete trust and honesty between a Dom and his Sub (which the Dom has worked very hard to create and provide – part of his job as a Dom), it will be perfectly natural for the Sub to share everything with her Dom….she will feel extra ordinary freedom to share anything, everything (even her darkest desires), knowing she will never be judged. She gets to spread her wings wide in a way she has never, ever been able to before (I know, I know, you thought I was going to say something else other than wings here lol) Her Dom feels glory in the depth and breadth of his Sub’s sensuality and humanity; she will see that in his eyes and his actions. Her Dom feels challenged to satisfy all her needs. He takes great satisfaction in seeing her freedom, seeing her trust in him and satisfying all her needs, on all levels, sexual and otherwise.

Reading this from the beginning, now sounds like I am a very selfish person when a big part of the lifestyle for the Sub (as far as my limited understanding goes) is letting go of that selfishness, devoting one’s self to satisfying her Dom’s needs. I come from a fairly normal, vanilla sex background and I’m a very independent soul. My journey into the exploration of the BDSM Lifestyle has just begun. And the first few steps involves getting to know who you are…asking yourself some very basic but important questions. This selfishness...this nagging question about how are my needs met in a BDSM relationship and trying to find answers....it's part of me.
This journey….it’s like a train ride from Seattle to NY. You can’t get on the train in Seattle, ride for awhile and then, when the scenery is not so nice, you magically hop across all of the Midwest to continue the train ride in Minneapolis (no offense meant to the Midwest…using that purely as a metaphor). You get on the train, you look at the scenery…you come across some you don’t like, or that you wonder about….you have to work through that part of the journey. Maybe working through that will mean you get off the train in Denver, making the decision that the BDSM Lifestyle is not for you. That’s how it works. And it’s ok. You’ve probably learned a great deal about yourself during the process.
I’m currently still on the train, probably just left Spokane in the wee hours of the morning (the train arrives and leaves Spokane at 1am, every morning), watching the lights of the city flash by, lulled to a peace by the gentle motion of the train as I start thinking of the next thing on my BDSM question list. Silk ties or rope?

LiveLifeDoU 65F  
2204 posts
8/12/2017 1:45 pm

required first post

sweet_VM 62F
80981 posts
8/12/2017 2:10 pm

I am still trying to find that post you wanted. Lost some where on here. Lots of meanings for dominant or Dom. You did find some interesting information hugs V

Become a blog watcher sweet_vm

Eriond30 45M
122 posts
8/12/2017 10:45 pm

Some very nice thoughts. I dabble in BDSM, and the biggest thing is being careful - there's a lot of damaged and damaging souls involved, IMO.

photo551 60M
2 posts
8/13/2017 7:23 pm

Its a never ending learning cycle and the more you learn, the more you want to find out. Trust is a must from both sides for it to work out.

delightfulold 72M
6 posts
8/17/2017 8:45 am

A dom has to be considerate of the submissive partner and bring to then the pleasure and fulfillment that this can to them. The physical acts ore the least important in the overall relationship.

sman2k.01 47M
3171 posts
8/17/2017 8:16 pm

I find it interesting that you had trouble finding information about a Dom's responsibilities. This matches my own experience, most articles I see focus on the sub and ignore the Dom.

That's really a shame because in my experience being a Dom is very involved, very intense, and requires a lot of effort. And as you mentioned this goes far beyond just sex, a real Dom will be interested and involved in their sub as a complete human being and work to improve every aspect of their life.

I'm actually pretty leery of getting into D/s relationships because it's such a huge commitment in even a casual relationship, and because it has a tendency to become very consuming. Of course, in the right situation this can be incredibly rewarding, but it isn't something to step into lightly.

freecumshots4u 65M
4 posts
8/22/2017 9:06 pm

Found your post very interesting and its very informative. You are right there are different ways to interpreter the Dom/sub relationship as well as what it may mean to different people.
As in any relationship trust is important, but in a Dom/sub relationship is a must and need to know your partner even more then people may realize.
Would like to talk to you about it some times and get more incite on what other thoughts you may have.
Thank you for sharing

wd40w 67M
6985 posts
8/24/2017 8:13 am

It's a balancing act...It's a Adagio...Supporting and encouraging personal growth...All starts between the ears...I prefer Parachute cord...Soft as Silk...Durable as Jute...

"Illigitimi Non Carborundum Est" W.F. "Bull" Halsey wd40w

LiveLifeDoU replies on 8/24/2017 1:17 pm:
The point about supporting and encouraging personal growth...very important. I am thinking of doing a blog on that, but in a slightly different context.

Cr8vlips62 57M
8 posts
9/18/2018 10:11 am

I agree with WD40W, it all starts between the ears!

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