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Welcome to my blog. I like to write erotic fiction, plus update my life here.

Life - If you're interested (an actual human being!), I have my life situation here.
Fiction - My one and only sexual outlet is that of writing erotic fiction. It is primarily from my imagination and is a self-descriptive of my sexual preferences.

IF YOU NOTICE BROKEN WORDS/SENTENCES IN THE FICTION POSTS, IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS SITE'S FILTERS, NOT MY SPELLING.

Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
If you want to reach out to me...
Posted:Aug 27, 2021 6:36 pm
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2021 12:03 pm
533 Views
AdultFriendFinder user blogs are free to view for all members. Many bloggers have a private comment section. If you can't email, you can contact people on there. Send me a reply here. It'll be between you and me... I have this set up so it can be screened, so you and I will see it only.
0 Comments
Who is She?
Posted:Jul 10, 2021 1:54 pm
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2021 9:09 am
955 Views
So, this website has proven t_o be a place for a_ll sorts of sexually oriented material. In my first month of p_aid membership I have encountered:
  • Fakes - These have arrived in droves, asking for my e-m_ail, my phone , my Google Hangouts , you . Those usually peter o_ut after they realize they're not going get anywhere with m_e. Seriously, is here looking for their soulmate?
  • Cam Models - Women sit , mostly nude, usually in a near-bored state while staring at the screen and shaking their bared breasts for tips. At least they don't have drive the gentlemen's clubs anymore for their tips (Funny note: One was writhing on her activated vibrating 'lovense' when she covered a yawn. O_h, the irony!).
  • Prostitutes/Massage - They are here for the m_oney. It becomes clear after the first response what they want. Usually terms of "serious" or "generous" appear in their descriptions.
  • Flashes in the pan - They usually start with a 'hey' and then never respond after that. Why did they even put the energy into saying that?
  • Women looking for justification - These are individuals have joined and started perusing the site, but then realized that 'these people really want meet'! In reality, they joined just see if they could spice their lives and learn whether they could actually be wanted by another man outside their marriage, but realize they do not have the backbone actually go through with anything.
  • Marriage Questors - They seem to be reaching for perfection.
  • REAL Women - These are individuals are honestly looking for something. They seek another man, another woman, another couple, whatever takes bring a sexual completion back their lives, perhaps even a complete relationship (without the marriage mindedness right off the bat).

    It seems I am the sucker here, because I am the one paid a lot of money t_o see fakes, Prostitutes, flashes in the pan and other disappointments.

    So, what about me?

    Did you ever consider that the introduction fields in our profiles are insufficient? If you agree, then perhaps you've been disappointed by this site or you are looking for something more than the top s_ix items listed above?

    As for m_e, I read those fields. If they l_ook like meaningless bullshit, I chalk them up as Fakes or Prostitutes. Yes, with experience, they're easy to figure o_ut.





    I am a married man 's not enjoyed marital touch, a nice conversation, or intimacy in a very long time. Naively, I thought I could go through life celibate, but it just doesn't work. I want to meet her...
    - I want to plan trips with her.
    - I want to go to the Central Market and b_uy groceries with her.
    - I want to take her on a motorcycle ride and see the sights.
    - I want to go to a trivia night a_t a local bar and feel the challenge of tough questions with her, share a beer (or a drink) and laugh.
    - Whom I can wake up next to and smile, knowing is so much more life ahead.
    - I want feel her heartbeat next mine.
    - I want feel her warmth u_nder the blankets on a cold winter's night.
    - I want l_ook into her eyes and feel my heart skip a beat.
    - I want to watch a movie with her.
    - I want to sail on the open waters with her, seeing the sunrise over the ocean.
    - I want to make love with her u_nder the stars.

    Anyone 's friended m_e knows that I keep an active blog and like keep active communications. If the conversation goes dry (flash in the pan), *poof*.


    So, write some comments, let me know your thoughts. Are you thinking the s_ame thing?
  • 4 Comments
    My Opinion on Oral Pleasures
    Posted:May 15, 2021 11:30 am
    Last Updated:Aug 27, 2021 6:39 pm
    1749 Views
    I'm one of those guys who loves oral, receiving as well as giving. I just cannot get enough.

    I've known it from the beginning, having been taught at the age of fifteen by a woman ten years older. At that time I was working at a local hometown mall in a fast food restaurant. She noticed me and took a fancy. At the end of my night shifts, she would pick me up from work and take me to her apartment before eventually taking me home. She was patient with me and 'cultivated' me to the point I could bring her to climax many times when visiting. After a couple weeks, I discovered (as did she) she could squirt intensely.


    On the other hand, she also taught me the joys of a slow and graceful blowjob. To her, the hands were never meant to stroke the man, but only there to guide the shaft to her lips. Being as young as I was, I was quite virile and unloaded in her mouth as much as she did me. Together we took each other to new heights only with oral.


    I believe I'm one of those guys who never grew out of it. To me, there's nothing sweeter than pleasuring the partner with our most sensitive organ, the mouth.
    1 comment
    She Had Learned Even More and Wanted to Show Him
    Posted:Nov 15, 2021 8:07 pm
    Last Updated:Nov 16, 2021 5:15 pm
    137 Views

    "I hope you have time tonight, because I want to suck you dry", she demanded with authority. She stood up and met his eye.

    "Oh? And how do you endeavor to do just that, lady?" he challenged.

    "Well, this morning I looked up a few videos."

    "Oh?" this piqued his curiosity.

    "There's this who calls herself Saffron..." she started.

    "That's a spice, you know...", he interjected.

    "Ohhhh, yeah!" she laughed, "she added spice alright! She is known for her cocksucking. She has this one video where she shows how to suck a man just so that he cums... A LOT!"

    "You mean he has a long climax?"

    She smiled at him in silence and then added, "no... I mean four times in about minutes!"

    "FOUR TIMES?"

    She just nodded and smiled.

    "And... you want to try... on me?"

    Again a happy nod.

    "When?!" he eagerly asked.

    She unbuckled his belt, grabbed him around his waist and pushed him backwards to the couch. He stumbled backward on the couch just after his slacks fell to his ankles. He wriggled of his boxers and lay back while she eagerly knelt before him again. She smiled and looked into his eyes, then slowly stroked his thighs. His cock was full attention from her earlier wake-up and she knew what to do.

    "I want to...", a kiss on his head, "... go slowly and..." another soft kiss, "...make sure you feel...", another kiss, louder, "...every stroke."

    His heart was racing now. Clearly she had picked up some pointers from this Saffron and copied them with great intensity. His breathing raced. He allowed her the freedom to make every move, knowing she has an eager attitude and the skills to please him with every attempt.

    She lowered her mouth, open wide and allowing the head inside, but not touching. He watched. She slowly closed her mouth, her lips gracing the skin and softly stimulating every square millimeter. His response was immediate, moaning deeply. Her eyes remained locked on his gaze. They were connected in that moment.

    She softly stroked his thighs as her lips coaxed his erection to her full attention. He was feeling a new attention to this moment as never before. Lynn was obviously into this, but her intensity seemed unmatched from all the previous encounters. She softly sucked on him, occasionally going deep, while other times just lightly letting her tongue tip stroke on his head and frenulum. There was something perfect about her mouth, her lips and her tongue.

    He climaxed hard in a matter of minutes, his legs shuddering, her mouth attached and milking. He could feel a rushing in his ears while the entire room was silent. She softly released his shaft, smiling all the while and looking at him.

    Just as he raised his head, he glanced at her and all she had done is raise on finger in the air, signaling "1". Her mouth didn"t stop. Her hands returned to stroking his thighs, letting some attention drift away from his cock. Soon enough, he could feel his erection rebuilding, as if it was "up for the challenge".

    TO BE CONTINUED
    0 Comments
    All Hell Broke Loose
    Posted:Oct 12, 2021 5:18 pm
    Last Updated:Nov 30, 2021 11:35 am
    379 Views

    was quiet, the sailors were drinking.
    They were in from the great day of fishing.
    In came Olive and her amazing peasant blouse
    And their minds started their wishing.

    The tension in the room was building,
    Each thinking he had a shot with her.
    One could cut the air with a knife
    But the next few moments were a blur.

    In walked Popeye, with his bowlegged stride,
    They also sensed his braggadocio,
    What did Olive think about their attentions?
    And did she bring her new banjo?

    One approached her with a leering smile,
    Another cut him off with a shove,
    She tuned up her third and fourth strings.
    They stopped their motions, sort of.

    Bottles flew through the air!
    Chairs crashed down upon heads!
    Melee ensued over the damsel.
    One even saw flying dreads!

    Then a moment of bliss came about,
    She stood in the center, banjo down,
    She wondered about this amazing attention.
    As her gaze cast all around.

    Then she conveyed a silent emotion,
    With a long and slow deep inhale.
    Her banjo not blocking their site.
    Blouse further inspiring every .

    The exhale was even longer,
    Producing a lustful groan.
    The menfolk all knew
    Poor Olive they couldn't clone.

    Popeye looked about the floor,
    Not a single chair was intact.
    The bottles were completely smashed.
    And the saloon was fully ransacked.

    His eyes cast upon her,
    He nodded toward the door.
    She packed away her banjo,
    Together they cleared from the floor.

    "You know you still , babe."
    Popeye whispered in her ear.
    She nodded in agreement,
    "Yeah, but they spilled my beer."
    0 Comments
    There's a First Time For Everything
    Posted:Oct 12, 2021 5:12 pm
    Last Updated:Nov 30, 2021 11:35 am
    367 Views

    I looked at the waitress and pondered
    "What's the house known for?"
    She glanced at me askance,
    As if I'd started the Cold War.

    I sensed her apprehension just then,
    Explaining "I've never been here prior"
    Her eyebrows returned happy,
    Sensing my condition not as dire.

    She pointed gleefully at the menu,
    And exclaimed "Try this, this and THIS!"
    Throwing caution the wind, I replied
    "That'll be just great, miss!"

    She jotted quite quickly, smiling at me
    "'s a First Time for everything"
    Tucked her pad in her pouch then
    Dashed cartwheels and even handsprings.

    Quite astounded by her feat of strength,
    I attempted to do the
    I cartwheeled myself into a wall
    And broke up a cribbage game

    Sheepishly I returned to my table,
    My head sagging quite low.
    Then dish after dish appeared,
    All from the kitchen, yes, I know.

    Mozzarella sticks! Deep-fried okra!
    Cottage cheese and berries!
    Followed by main dishes of steak,
    And even flaming red cherries!

    What's this? A second course approaches?
    Surf and turf at least!
    I couldn't believe my eyes
    When they brought in curdled yeast!

    Waitress returned to the table beaming,
    "Would you like some more?"
    I gazed at the table, every inch occupied,
    "Sure! But put it on the floor!"

    In a half-hour, the table surrounded,
    I dare not take any steps!
    For everywhere I looked, I saw
    Delights! And a stack of crêpes!

    How do I stop? What must be done?
    For the food was quite amassed
    Then in a stroke of brilliance
    The task came to me and fast!

    "Box it all, every last bit of it"
    They hastened to package in bags
    I carried my feast of disproportion
    To the homeless, all dressed in rags.

    's a First Time for Everything!
    I cartwheeled my way, now lightened
    I returned the hotel
    With my entire evening brightened.
    1 comment
    Little Misses D addy
    Posted:Jul 3, 2021 11:00 pm
    Last Updated:Jul 4, 2021 1:53 pm
    954 Views

    It was a busy day in the office and he was deep in phone calls, e-mails, voicemails and projects galore. The pandemic has eased up on business and he seemingly back in full swing with getting customers on his calendar, quotes in their hands and orders booked in the system. Ever since the company insisted he work in the home office, he felt even more productive than having to deal with a long commute in the mornings and evenings.

    "Daddy?" he heard over his phone call. His head turned to where he heard the voice. Even over the drawling voice in his ear, he managed a smile and ushered her in the office.

    It wasn't the fact that she had appeared in his view that distracted him, but rather how she did it... or rather, what she wasn't wearing! Usually she is wearing her cheer sweats on a cool day or colorful capri's and a light top in the summer. This afternoon, even though it was beautifully warm outside, she appeared in a sports bra and a lacy thong.

    The phone call continued, but his mind was distracted, "Yeah, uh-huh... I can do that.... two weeks' delivery yes", Meanwhile, his gaze was locked on hers, her sweet body barely encased in the lace.

    She meandered past the bookcase and around the end of his desk. He tried to keep his mind on the work, on getting this customer off the phone. His little stood by his office chair, her soft skin within reach. She smiled, silently commanding his attention. One finger innocently in her mouth.

    "Tell you what, Jim, can I call you back? Yeah, I have a meeting coming up and I can't miss it," watching her eyes. Her finger slipped out of her mouth as she stepped forward to his side. Her warm pussy was nearly pressed into his arm, the black lace just inches away.

    "It'll be an hour, perhaps two..." he continued, then removed his headset, clicking off the call.

    "And what brings you in here, my little one?", as he turned his gaze to her midsection.

    She hooked her thumbs in the shoulder straps of her bra and tugged up over her head, her pert breasts tumbling out.

    "I miss my d addy", in a whining voice.

    "Have I been working too long today?", glancing at the clock on the wall, "no... It's only two in the af-"

    She spun his chair around, this time her thong was already dropped to the floor.

    "I really miss... my d addy...", reaching down and unzipping his slacks.

    She dropped immediately, engulfing his soft cock in her warm mouth.

    "Oh, honey!", just seconds before he was on the phone with a customer, now being awakened by his love.

    She moaned, knowing she was responding, growing between her lips. She loved the fact that she was his sole pleasure and she would live up to his desires. With her lips wrapped around his cock, she unbuckled his belt, opened his slacks more and then tugged them down. He complied and soon his slacks were around his ankles.

    She had him at full attention when she lifted up and straddled his lap.

    "I miss my d addy", repeated and more forceful.

    She lowered herself, rubbing her swollen clit against his shaft. She let out a deep moan.

    "Oh fuck... baby g irl, I'm liking these visits...", he gasped.

    His hands immediately enveloped her small waist, gently caressing her bare skin and letting her control her contact on him. She leaned forward and teased his lips with a breast. His response was quite normal, his mouth opening and taking in her soft flesh.

    She moaned again to his suckling. "ohhhhhhh, d addy!"

    Her gentle grinding steadily brought him into full tune with her body. Together they transformed into lovers circling around the intimate communion of their souls. Each breath brought them closer.

    She stopped for a moment, angled her hips slightly and pressed on his cock.

    "OHhhhhhh, d addy..." she gasped again. His head was barely inside her, she was savoring him, but wanted all of him.

    His hands, caressing her waist, then gripped her firmly and pushed her down on his shaft, inch by inch. She was slowly adjusting to his thickness, tightly fit inside her muscle.

    "Fuuuuuckkkkkkkk...." she shuddered with every inch going inside her. She adjusted with each heartbeat, wanting him inside her deeply.

    His hips rocked, pushing himself into her. The room fell silent, her mouth agape but no words came out. His hands controlled her, but she was fully engaged wanting to feel all his shaft pressing on her cervix.

    One more push and her clit was being pressed by his pubic bone. She wanted him deep inside and she had him right there. In her reverie, her body took over and she knew exactly what was needed to unleash him. Her pussy had fully accepted him and she was going savor every moment.

    She ground on him, raising up and pressing her clit to him over and over. His mouth had released her breast and now he was cradling her back in his hands and kissing every square inch of skin before his eyes.

    Together they were moaning, writhing, climbing, loving.

    She continued, fucking him like she missed him. She could feel his cock swelling in anticipation.

    "Ohhh, baby g irl... ", he barely managed.

    "Yes, d addy?", she responded in kind, still bouncing even faster.

    "I'm gonna.... ", he shuddered and stiffened beneath her.

    "Give it to me! Fill me up!", she cried out.

    He couldn't contain himself any longer. The last thrust inside her triggered a hot explosion deep inside her. She felt it, then the tremendous pulses from his loins. She quickly felt herself washing over in climax, clamping violently on his shaft.

    Together they froze, her straddled over him, their arms around each other, bodies locked, save for the creaking of the office chair. What couldn't be heard was the flow of hot, thick cum filling her womb.

    They started breathing again, remaining locked in each other's arms.

    "See?", she murmured through her tears, "I really did miss my d addy."
    0 Comments
    D addy and His Little Ride out a Storm
    Posted:Jun 27, 2021 6:43 pm
    Last Updated:Nov 30, 2021 11:35 am
    950 Views


    The sun had gone down, but one could not tell, as the heavy blanket of storm cells had gathered. He lay down in his bed, hearing the approaching storm. This was going to be a good one, because the flash of lightning has been going on for the past hour and the atmosphere felt like caged energy. Suddenly remembering the windows, he leapt out of bed and ran downstairs. Windows facing the storm were closed, whereas the windows away from the storm remained open. He could still feel a cooling draft passing through the house, but at least he knew the rain wouldn't enter.

    Satisfied, he walked back up the stairs and made his way down the hallway. Summers in the midwest can be rather hot and sticky, but tonight promises cooler and breezy. He felt bad for the livestock in the fields, who were going to feel a whole lot more.

    Halfway back the hallway, his room in sight, suddenly one of the bedroom doors opened. He froze in his tracks, but noticed his little one standing in the doorway, trembling.

    "What's the matter, honey?", he pressed her.

    "I can't sleep, d addy. It's awful out there!"

    He knew she didn't like thunderstorms, at least not yet. All it takes is the right lightning striking close by and fear is implanted in one's heart. He nodded.

    "Yeah, it's going to be pretty rough out there. Would you like to sleep in my bed, hon?"

    She quickened, "Can I?"

    "Sure, I'm just going around and..." she had disappeared in his room, "... oh, well..."

    He stood in the doorway, looking in on his bed. She had already leapt on it and covered her head with a pillow. He couldn't help but smile. Nevertheless, he had to continue checking on the windows upstairs before retiring to bed. Same principle, storm facing windows closed, otherwise, open. He also made sure the curtains would cut out most of the lightning flashes.

    He made his way back to the bedroom, just as a lightning flash filled the room. He didn't even get a chance to start counting 'one Mississippi' when the thunder shook the house to the frame. She yelped into the pillow, but didn't move. The blast startled startled him, but as he looked at her, he realized she was feeling far more than a simple startle. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited for the rumbling to stop.

    "Baby, would you like me to hold you?"

    She lifted the pillow looked at him. He quickly noticed her trembling there.

    No more words needed to be spoken. He lie down on the bed and faced her. One arm was lifted, inviting her to back herself into his space. His other arm was flat to the bed, offering her a place to lay her head. Quickly she scooted, her butt pressing into him first. Soon her body was against his and his arm gracefully enveloped her. Her trembling became a part of him, yet his rock steady form only held her. She grabbed his hand and pulled to her chest, a crushing grip holding him there.

    Another close flash and quick thunderous explosion, another flinch.

    "D addy, hold me!"

    "I am holding you, love."

    "Hold me tighter!"

    His arms both pulled her tightly to him; together they could've been one person on the bed.

    The storm continued its fury, soon releasing the drenching rains promised by the clouds. While the lightning persisted, it was nowhere near the frightful display that glued them together. Somewhere in the downpour her trembling stopped, soon sleep overtaking her. His deathgrip eased. Within seconds he too drifted off.

    "D addy, are you awake?", he roused to her voice.

    "What is it, love?", his head popped up glance at the cloc hours later. The storm was no more than a light rain coming down, yet he could still hear the rain gutters flowing.

    "Thank you..."

    Silence for a minute.

    "... for what, honey?"

    She stirred a bit but was still pressed into him. Her motion made it plainly clear that while he was lying against her, he also had an erection pressing into her.

    "For protecting , for being there for ."

    "I'd do it every time."

    "I just feel so safe with you, with your arms... Hey, what do I feel? Is that for me?"

    She rolled away from him and was soon facing him, a small space opened up between them. Her hands together sought out his cock, still at attention.

    She giggled, "That IS for me!"

    He smiled in the dar Her touch on his shaft was a welcome change from her body crushing into him. The rain continued falling on the roof.

    She slid down in the bed, tugged down at his boxers and kissed his already swollen coc

    "Thank you...", another kiss, "thank you... ", another. He moaned as her loving on him continued. The last kiss was replaced by her wrapping her lips around his head and softly sucking on him. She worked her mouth over the length of him and once again swallowed him up in her grateful mouth. It was his turn tremble.

    He rolled his back and gave her freedom continue. She followed his motion, never releasing. She cupped his balls gently and expressed herself him in her loving caress.

    "D addy is my protector", and her mouth wetted his shaft again.

    "D addy is my rock", she went deep down on him.

    He groaned with her mouth touching on nerves all over.

    She uprighted herself over him, looking into his gaze in the dar She lifted her halter top over her head, baring herself. He could see her perky breasts in the glow of the night. She then tugged down at her panties and worked her way out of them.

    In the silence of the rainy night she slowly straddled him, rubbing her wet pussy against the underside of his shaft. His hands reached up and caressed her waist, then held her firmly over him. She passed over him one more time then shifted her hips, allowing his shaft to press directly against her lips.

    "D addy is mine", and she pushed. His head slipped inside with force. Her walls were stretched, the muscle of her womb admitting him with a deep moan.

    "Ohh, fuckkk, d addy.." she tensed at the moment. His hands released her waist, giving her full control over her desire.

    She pushed harder, forcing more stretching. Another inch disappeared. He reached up and gripped her breasts. The intensity of the moment caused her to bite her lip and keep going.

    She lowered herself again, feeling the length of his shaft joining with her deep inside. She let out a gasp.

    "One... more...." and she lowered herself to where her hips rested against his torso. Now he was fully buried inside, her clit pressing against him.

    "Oh, god, I want to just stay right here", she whimpered. Her hands pressed on his chest, fingers closing in on his chest hairs. She felt the man underneath her, in intimate form. Not just any man, but her man.

    She started a rhythm of raising and lowering herself onto him. Slowly at first, but then gaining speed. She wanted nothing more than to feel him explode inside. She wanted him to know that she was to be the vessel for his pleasure anytime. Anywhere.

    He breathed faster, feeling her body working him. He could feel her breath on his chest with each thrust, her breasts conforming to his grip. Their breathing joined.

    Unrelenting, she bucked up and down on him, wanting to feel his pulsing. She whimpered with each thrust, feeling the energy being drained out of her.

    "D addy!", she gasped out.

    His body writhed slightly, then he let out a loud groan and his grip moved from her breasts to her ass. His fingers dug in her muscles, but she continued, now milking him, feeling his hot seed spurting inside her. The muscles of her womb felt his contractions. Then it hit her like a wave.

    "Oh god, d addy!" she climaxed seconds later, her muscle contracting and latching on in passion. Her body bucked in violent explosion on top of him. He never released her ass.

    They stopped breathing, allowing the climaxes to wash over them. When she felt the last of hers, she fell on top of him, her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, never letting her go. She allowed him to stay inside, letting him ebb.

    Minutes went by, only the rain being heard.

    "I could just stay like this..."
    0 Comments
    Employee Review Fails
    Posted:Jun 5, 2021 7:01 pm
    Last Updated:Jul 19, 2021 8:35 pm
    1242 Views

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This employe is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
  • Works well when constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is to change feet.
  • He would be of his depth in a parking lot puddle
  • This youn_g lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an i_diot.
  • This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Got a full s_ix-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus - 14_4 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
  • I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
  • He's been working with glue too much.
  • He would argue with a signpost.
  • He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
  • When his IQ reaches 50, he should s_ell.
  • If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
  • Has a photographic memory but with the lens cap still on.
  • A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  • Has two brains: one is lost and the other is ou_t looking for it.
  • If he were any more du_mb, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you gave him a penny for his thought, you'd get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It's hard to believe he beat 1,000,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he on_ly gargled.
  • Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes'.
  • The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • 0 Comments
    Jokes
    Posted:Jun 5, 2021 6:53 pm
    Last Updated:Nov 30, 2021 11:35 am
    1445 Views

    A guy sits alone a bar, drinking his beer. From of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer.

    "That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again.

    The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes."

    The guy freaks , and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!"

    As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!"

    "Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender.

    "Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

    =====

    So a grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you". And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Ernie?"

    =====

    An Englishman, Scottsman and Irishman are sitting in a pub together and each orders a Guinness. After waiting the requisite time for the proper pouring, the three Guinnesses arrive at their table.

    Just then, three flies that came in with the Frenchman at the next table simultaneously take a dive, separately into each man's drink. The trio are taken aback for a second but regain their composure.

    The Englishman waves to the bar maiden and asks for a fresh pint.

    The Scotsman plucks the fly from his Guinness and he continues drinking.

    But the Irishman grabs the fly, holds it above his drink and shouts "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"

    ========

    A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

    ========

    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

    ========

    A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

    ========

    A goes into a bar and orders drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

    ========

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

    ========

    A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he like?"

    ========

    A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

    ========

    A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

    ========

    A with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: " lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

    ========

    A walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long ?"

    ========

    A seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

    ========

    A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

    ========

    A drunk stammers of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, " Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, , you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, , you're not." The drunk says, ", I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

    ========

    A goldfish walks into a bar and looks the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

    ========

    Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

    ========

    A guy walks into a bar and there is a behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the , when the says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would the place."

    ========

    A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his . The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my ?" A foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

    ========

    A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

    ========

    A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

    ========

    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

    ========

    A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

    ========

    At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the . Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

    ========

    An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his . He tries to stand one more time, same result.

    He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his . So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives the door he stands up and falls flat on his .

    He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

    He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting him. "So, you've been drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent .

    "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

    ========

    Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.

    ========

    A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, " sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

    ========

    A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender," You got any fish?" The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't fish" so the duck leaves.

    Next , the duck goes back to the bar and asks," You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don't fish."

    The following , the duck returns and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON"T FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, GONNA NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

    The next , the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"

    ========

    A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!" The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

    "That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel." The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

    The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE---and go ahead and have one yourself, too!" As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the for the previous night, so he passes the shots and knocks one back himself.

    "Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight," to which the man again replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it of, sorry to say."

    The bartender, enraged this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

    The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE."

    Turning around, he can't believe the drunk is back for a third time. "What, nothing for me this time?"

    "Hell no," says the drunk. "You get MEAN when you drink!"

    ========

    An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

    The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

    The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

    The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the station three blocks down the street."

    ========

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

    "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

    "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

    ========

    This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all inside and since air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps , and splats on the sidewalk . The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."

    ========

    RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

    1. Two times a week, my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
    2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
    3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
    5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
    8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
    . Remember: Marriage is the one cause of divorce.
    . I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    . I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
    . The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
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