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Jokes  

Oh_Daddy_Yes 57M  
10 posts
6/5/2021 6:53 pm
Jokes


A guy sits alone a bar, drinking his beer. From of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer.

"That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again.

The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes."

The guy freaks , and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!"

As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!"

"Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender.

"Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

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So a grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you". And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Ernie?"

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An Englishman, Scottsman and Irishman are sitting in a pub together and each orders a Guinness. After waiting the requisite time for the proper pouring, the three Guinnesses arrive at their table.

Just then, three flies that came in with the Frenchman at the next table simultaneously take a dive, separately into each man's drink. The trio are taken aback for a second but regain their composure.

The Englishman waves to the bar maiden and asks for a fresh pint.

The Scotsman plucks the fly from his Guinness and he continues drinking.

But the Irishman grabs the fly, holds it above his drink and shouts "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

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A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

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A goes into a bar and orders drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he like?"

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A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

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A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

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A with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: " lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

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A walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long ?"

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A seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

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A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

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A drunk stammers of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, " Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, , you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, , you're not." The drunk says, ", I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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A goldfish walks into a bar and looks the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

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Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

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A guy walks into a bar and there is a behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the , when the says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would the place."

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A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his . The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my ?" A foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

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A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

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A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

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A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

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At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the . Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his . He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his . So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives the door he stands up and falls flat on his .

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting him. "So, you've been drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent .

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.

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A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, " sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

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A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender," You got any fish?" The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't fish" so the duck leaves.

Next , the duck goes back to the bar and asks," You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don't fish."

The following , the duck returns and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON"T FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, GONNA NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next , the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"

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A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!" The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

"That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel." The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE---and go ahead and have one yourself, too!" As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the for the previous night, so he passes the shots and knocks one back himself.

"Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight," to which the man again replies, "I don't have a pot to<b> piss </font></b>in or a window to throw it of, sorry to say."

The bartender, enraged this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE."

Turning around, he can't believe the drunk is back for a third time. "What, nothing for me this time?"

"Hell no," says the drunk. "You get MEAN when you drink!"

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An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the station three blocks down the street."

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all inside and since air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps , and splats on the sidewalk . The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."

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RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
. Remember: Marriage is the one cause of divorce.
. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Is there one seeking the arms and comfort of an older man?


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