What's for dinner?
|
Posted:Aug 3, 2008 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:59 pm
5307 Views
|
Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks, "Momma, what are those?"
She replies, ", those are my breasts."
As she turns he back to him he asks, "Momma, what is that?"
She replies, ", that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, "Momma, what is that?"
She replies, "That, , is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "None of your business."
The shaking his head says, "YUCK!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
You know you're a mom when.........
|
Posted:Aug 3, 2008 9:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2008 5:42 am
5545 Views
|
* Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.
* When the are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a leaking bodily fluids on you.
* Popsicle's become a food staple.
* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
* You're willing to kiss your 's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
* Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
* Your make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.
* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
* You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.
* You count the sprinkles on each 's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your throws up and you catch it.
* Someone else's throws up at a party. You keep eating.
* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Punishment to fit the crime.........
|
Posted:Aug 3, 2008 9:35 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2008 9:51 pm
5664 Views
|
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Memo To All EMS Personnel
|
Posted:Aug 3, 2008 9:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2008 9:50 pm
5438 Views
|
MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Success
|
Posted:Jul 1, 2008 4:50 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2008 1:37 pm
5301 Views
|
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Dishes
|
Posted:Jul 1, 2008 4:44 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2008 1:41 pm
5431 Views
|
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Scope
|
Posted:Jul 1, 2008 4:42 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2008 1:49 pm
5243 Views
|
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Actual writings found in hospital charts!
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2007 2:12 pm
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2008 1:43 pm
5461 Views
|
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage , but no other abnormalities.
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2007 2:07 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2008 4:35 am
5673 Views
|
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8/ The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
3 couples & a church
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2007 2:02 pm
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2008 1:44 pm
5589 Views
|
There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied "It was hard the first week, but then we made it through." He asked the older couple, and they replied "we did not have sex at all for the two weeks." He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said "She dropped a paint can!". The pastor said "She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, "She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!". The pastor said, "I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!" The man said, "That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Do you have dildos?
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2007 1:50 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:59 pm
5275 Views
|
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To Animal Loving Friends.....
|
Posted:Oct 1, 2007 12:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:59 pm
5376 Views
|
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture. 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are an animal.
To me, he/she is an adopted / who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than because they:
1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their .
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Supreme Sacrifice
|
Posted:Oct 1, 2007 12:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:59 pm
5338 Views
|
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (OhioHoney67) use [blog OhioHoney67] in your messages.
|
|
Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
51
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|