Things only a mother can teach.....
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Posted:Oct 29, 2008 2:57 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2008 12:16 pm
5016 Views
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My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ... "How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ... "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have , and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
**note from OhioHoney--My mother taught me these things, and yet the Justice one didn't turn out right, I do NOT EVER remember being this horrible as a !!!!**
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The Anatomy Of A Mother
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Posted:Oct 29, 2008 2:54 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 2:36 pm
4977 Views
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THE HEAD -- Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential parts:
EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a 's utterings- i.e. "you suck!", even when spoken under the breath and in another room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of "Hootie and the Blowfish" when preparing dinner.
EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the all-powerful "eyes at the back of the head" tool). Expression should be soft and gentle, yet capable of "shooting bullets" at appropriate times. I, on occasion, use the "I will turn your little butt to salt right here" look in times of extreme stress.
NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not found the "bigger is better" theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually "scent" the time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once- completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt, rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.
MOUTH -- Not quite so large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor so small as Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when "mother" is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be used to insult, demean or humiliate the . Anger is all right, but verbal abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit down to eat a full meal at one time- "mom, I need this done now", "mom can you take me here now", "mom where is my....," "mom, come here and look at this!" and the dreaded, "oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!"
SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often during High School.
BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy are they handy! Now I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided, just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate, then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.
STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971. Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can change dramatically from woman to woman after having a . I, myself, developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see. Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).
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Tickle Me Elmo
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Posted:Oct 28, 2008 10:40 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2008 12:59 am
5014 Views
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Another one sent to me from Happy
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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The two dollar bill
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Posted:Oct 28, 2008 10:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2008 1:00 am
5277 Views
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Thankyou Happy for sending this to me by email!!
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.' He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.' Security Guard walks over to me. 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah?
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.
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50 things to do at an exam.......
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Posted:Oct 27, 2008 11:44 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2008 8:23 pm
5097 Views
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1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. ClAim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink). 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. ClAim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks".
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Ms Right Rejection Letter
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Posted:Oct 27, 2008 11:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 2:36 pm
5081 Views
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Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.
___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy shoes by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you big boy?" comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the faithful check.
___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: looks do matter.
Sincerely, [Your name here]
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Cats Vs Women
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Posted:Oct 27, 2008 11:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2008 8:22 pm
4914 Views
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1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8 ) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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Things Dogs MUST remember
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Posted:Oct 27, 2008 11:28 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2008 11:30 am
4979 Views
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I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
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You know you are a bit kinky when........
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Posted:Oct 26, 2008 3:48 am
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2008 8:44 pm
5161 Views
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- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.
- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.
- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.
- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.
- You call people other than your Father "Daddy."
- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.
- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.
- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.
- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.
- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.
- You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.
- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.
- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.
- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"
- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.
- You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.
- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.
- You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.
- Canning season gets you *really* excited.
- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.
- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a .
- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.
- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.
- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.
- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.
- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.
- Your 's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.
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A few ways to say no
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Posted:Oct 26, 2008 3:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 2:36 pm
4898 Views
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* I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
* I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
* I have to floss my pets.
* I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
* I want to spend more time with my blender.
* I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
* I'm building a pig from a kit.
* I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
* I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
* I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
* I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
* I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
* I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
* I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
* I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
* It's my parakeet's bowling night.
* My patent is pending.
* The nice man on television told me to stay tuned
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Men, rules of what to wear and not wear at pool........
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Posted:Oct 26, 2008 3:41 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2008 8:22 pm
5198 Views
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A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1 If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
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Sex Limericks
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Posted:Oct 25, 2008 11:06 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2008 8:22 pm
5271 Views
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An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp.
There once was a man from Montrass, Who had balls that were made of fine brass. In stormy weather, They both clanged together, And sparks flew out of his ass!
There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
A decent young fellow named Herm Was equipped with a geyser-like worm: The size wasn't much But its volume was such That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.
I see by the size of your member You're as hot as a blazing coal ember! So slicken that mast - And hon, make it fast - This girl's not been poked since December!
I know that you'll think me quite dotty, But please, no caffeine in the latte! One simple espresso - I put on a dress, oh, And really start acting quite naughty!
Were you a more elegant chap, I'd ask to sit down on your lap Cross-legg'd, like a swami For 'hide the salami', But it seems that you're ill with the clap!
A horny old trapper named Rex Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex. By incredible luck His dick never got stuck, But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
There once was a Vulcan named Spock Who tried stroking his monstrous cock With lust went berserk And beseeched Captain Kirk, "Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"
"For Christmas", she said with a tingle "I'd love a gift cunnilingual!" 'Twas with joy and surprise She found twixt her thighs The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!
Mary had a little dog, All night long he'd hunt. He stuck his head in Mary's lap, To smell her little "Control yourself, you naughty dog! You make my pressure jump!" Ain't but one man in this town Good enough to Pumpkin pie is almost done, Lots of corn to shuck, Brother's got a lazy wife. She don't give a F'crying out loud, look outside! The captain and the crew, Heading down the Mazie's house to get themselves a Screw the light bulb in the lamp, Please don't break the glass. If you eat those pepper pods, They're bound to burn your Asked a woman, "What's your name?" She wrote it by the creek. Pardon me, I'll step outside, I've gotta take a peek.
A lady while dining at Crewe Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout, And don't wave it about, Or the others will all want one too."
There once was a man from Sydney Who could put it in up to her Kidney But a man from Quebec Put it up to her neck Now he had a big one, didn't he!
There was a young dentist Malone who had a charming girl patient alone. But in his depravity he filled the wrong cavity, God, how his practice has grown!
There was a young lady from Nizes whose breasts were two different sizes. One was so small it was nothing at all, but the other was huge and won prizes.
There was a young lady named Hilda Who went driving one night with a builda. He said that he should That he could and he would, And he did and it pretty near killda.
A broken-down lecher named Tupps Was heard to confess in his cups: "The height of my folly Was diddling a collie - But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young vampire called mable, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table.
A kinky young girl from Coleshill, Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill, They found her vagina, in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil.
There was a young man from Pitlocherie, making love to his girl in the rockery, she said, "Look you've cum, all over my bum, This isn't a shag it's a mockery."
There was a young lassie from Morton, who had one long tit and one short 'en, on top of all that, a great hairy twat, and a fart like a six fifty Norton.
There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un." She replied, "Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole. There's plenty of room in the right 'un."
There once was a man named Mort, Whose dick was incredibly short. When he climbed into bed His lady friend said, "That's not a dick it's a wart!"
There was a young from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too."
There was a young plumber named Lee Who plumbed his girl down by the sea; Said the lady, "Stop plumbing! I hear someone coming." Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They screwed eighty ways - Imagine such damn devotion!
There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead in his cave. She was missing a tit. She smelled like shit. But think of the money he saved!
The sea captain's tender young bride fell into the bay at low tide, You could tell by her squeals, that some of the eels had discovered a dark place to hide.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick, He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake, And hit it with a rake, And now it's only four foot four.
There was a from Honchu Who on peckers and penises did chew. Said a friend, "Why don't you Have them stick it to you, Then you could enjoy the sex too."
There was a man from Havana, Who thought he could play the piana. His fingers slipped, his zipper unzipped. And out came a hairy banana!
A young engineer name of Paul Was equipped with an octagonal ball. The square of his weight Times his pecker, plus eight Is his phone number, give him a call.
There once was a man from Australia Who had extra-large genitalia He said to his bride, Don't try to hide 'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya'
There was a young man who's dong Was prodigiously, massively long Down the sides of his whang, two testes did hang Which attracted a curious throng.
Said a diffident lady named Drood the first time she saw a man nude, "I’m glad I’m the sex that’s concave not convex for I don’t fancy things that protrude."
There once was a man from St. Paul who's prick was incredible small. He got down on the rug and screwed a bug, but the bug didn't feel it at all!!
There once was a fellow from Yuma, Who told an elephant joke to a puma. Now his skeleton lies, Under hot western skies, The Puma had no sense of huma!
There was a young man named Sweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie. He thought this uncouth, So he added vermouth, And slipped his girl a martini.
There was a Young Man named MacNair Who buggered his Wife on the Stair. The bannister Broke... ...Without missing a Stroke He Finished her off in Mid-Air.
There once was a Barmaid from Saille On her back tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind, for the sake of the blind was precisely the same but in braille.
There once was a lady from Reno Who lost all her cash playing keno. So she laid on her back Opened her crack And now she owns the casino!
There once was a pirate named Bates Who attempted to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates.
In the garden of Eden stood Adam With his hand on the ass of his madam. He chuckled with mirth For he knew that on earth There were only two balls, and he had 'em!
There was a young girl who begat Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding When she found she had no tit for Tat.
There once was a man from Pompei Who fashioned a snatch out of clay The heat from his prick, Turned the clay into brick And tore all his foreskin away!!
From Isaac Asimov
Nymphomaniac Alice Used a dynamite stick as a phallis. They found her vagina In North Carolina, And part of her anus in Dallas.
There was an old fellow named Paul Whose prick was exceedingly small When in bed with a lay He could screw her all day Without touching the vaginal wall.
There once was an odious brute Who made love in his Sunday-best suit. The result, as you'd guess, Was a wet, sticky mess, And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
There was a young lady from Kew Who said, as the bishop withdrew, "Oh, the Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And four inches longer than you."
A certain young fellow from Ransome Had a dame seven times in a hansom. When she shouted for more, Said he from the floor, "The name, Miss, is Simpson, not Samson."
Said a woman with open delight, "My pubic hair's perfectly white. I admit there's a glare, But the fellows don't care. They locate it more quickly at night."
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Does The Sex Really Count????
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Posted:Oct 25, 2008 11:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2008 8:47 pm
5024 Views
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Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count.
5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this," it doesn't count.
7. An old flame doesn't count.
8. An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity f*ck."
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.
10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.
12. Kissing is not cheating.
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was fun right?).
17. Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation".
18. In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate).
22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly."
24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This should be considered a "fuck friend."
26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!
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