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SELF DISCOVERY  

Padaric 66M   
0 posts
9/13/2021 2:45 am
SELF DISCOVERY

UPDATED
9/14/21
DISCOVERING ORIENTATION
My orientation as a gay man was never in doubt. Men have always been attractive, mesmerizing, stimulating, adorable, sexy, and scary. It took years for me to accept these feelings as a wonderful part of my life.

Our journey of self-discovery enables us to find the things in life that add meaning, joy, and passion. This obviously means owning what we want and need.

I knew by the time I was 11 that my<b> infatuation </font></b>with guys might mean I was a homo, a faggot, queer, disordered, even reprobate. Family, peers, my church, all taught me that LGBTQ people were disordered, broken untrustworthy, dirty, suicidal, and sometimes dangerous. This set up a struggle to avoid anything that might cause others to think I was one of those reprobates. My church reinforced feelings of self-loathing and promoted the idea that homosexual thought and feeling were natural and could be overcome.

By Jr High and High School, I discovered some guys were more interesting, beautiful, and fuel for my fantasies. As most of my male friends were my black classmates and neighbors. My adolescent fantasies were almost exclusively of black guys. (I was always terrified of being caught looking at guys in the locker room. LO

I wanted desperately to be straight, live a normal life, pastor a church, fall in love, and somehow find a way to hide my thoughts and feelings and pretend to be straight. Maybe become even find a way to be straight. ( Google EXODUS or LOVE IN ACTION, two notorious ex-gay scams.)

I dated beautiful Christian women, got engaged three times. I tried to avoid anything that I thought might arouse me, but masturbation and gay porn were some of my other dirty secrets.

As committed as I was going straight, the idea of actually having sex with a woman was definitely not something I had any interest in whatsoever. I would have panic attacks trying to imagine getting naked and having intercourse with girls. OMG

Then there was my good friend, Cecil, my adorable handsome buddy, fellow minister with who I was secretly passionately enamored. He was my best friend and was in the process of getting married. We were hoping for a double wedding, Cecil with that skank, and me with a nice Christain girl. I thought I would go mad, I was jealous, hurt, confused, and broken-hearted. I was devastated when I finally told him I was struggling with homosexuality. He was kind and supportive of my efforts to overcome these thoughts and encouraged me to enter an EXGAY ministry in Los Angeles. It did work of course, but for the first time in my life, actually spent time talking to others who had identified as gay and wanted to go straight.

This exposure was life-changing. There were really wonderful gay people, troubled and confused like me. I quickly realized there really wasn't a cure. Many of these guys were attempting celibacy and finding an opposite-sex relationship, which I had been doing since puberty. I called Cecil and he drove up and helped me escape the program in the middle of the night. I told him that they offered something that didn't exist, and the process was more damaging than being gay.

If I had been able, in some way, actually get naked and fuck a woman, I might have remained closeted and homophobic. LOL

DISCOVERING OUR PREFERENCES

After coming out with the support of a lesbian friend who decided to be my wingman. She introduced me to an amazing new life, toured the local gay community, nightlife, taught me to drink, smoke cigarettes, dance, and pick up guys.

The first time I came home with a stranger she introduced, was mindblowing, nerve-wracking, thrilling, and really wonderful. I was so nervous I could not help laughing the whole night. He was patient if a little freaked out. LOL

If my orientation and preferences are a reflection of my most authentic self, why should I judge them? If our desires and relationships help us understand ourselves and others.

I thought I stopped being afraid of who I was attracted to.

As my preferences were unexplored, so I threw myself fully into the life, went out a lot, joined gay groups, made friends, got excommunicated (Fuck them!) frequented numerous gay bars and clubs, the baths, and some bushes, parking lots, drank too much, and generally did all the things and men I could looking for love, joy, and passion. It was frightening, magical, exhilarating, and my world expanded.

I realize now that I was often silent about what I wanted in these relationships. I was so wrapped up in trying to please my partner that I forgot that it might be OK to express to myself and others what I liked and didn't like.

I began to ask myself some questions about what I was doing.

Why might I feel I was being shallow wanting to be with guys I find attractive.

I discovered that I did not care much, about race, birth gender, disability, IQ, status, scars, extra fingers, whatever. My libido was affectionate, curious, open to new things.

Am I mercenary or manipulative wanting to be with a guy that rocks my world, or is younger than me? Can I treat a stranger as a whole person and not just a fuck. No one should be treated as, an object unless they like that. It is OK during play.

Do I feel guilty that I want to ask someone to fuck me when I thought they would see me in a negative light? Maybe no one would find me desirable if I wasn't a top., if I wasn't more of this or less of that. I had to move beyond wanting to please my partner at the cost of my own desires and values. I accept the idea that I am needy, but I came out so that I could be more than my fears and vulnerability.

Over time I keep learning to own my sexual thought and feelings, be comfortable with ambivalence, staying committed to doing no harm to myself or others, and continue to enjoy my life regardless of circumstances.

I am grateful that this journey continues. I have so much more to discover, and if I want things to change and find a friend for me and my cock, I try to be honest, open-minded, unashamed, and willing to embrace my fears and desires.

And that is why I am here now. Let's talk about this. Even if it's just pillow talk.

Your shared experiences are valuable in this very personal process. What is your experience with self-discovery? If you write it, I will read it!

Be safe, be well.


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