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No Ordinary Girl!

Cleverly Disquised As A Responcible Adult!!! I'm just a girl with a brain that never sleeps, it's always working nonstop. I am a survivor seeking to be a thriver, a wife, an ex-wife, a lover, a polyamorous bi-sexual, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an anima l & nature lover, an open adoption birth mother, an educator, a swinger, a cheater, an abused child and woman, a survivor of that and so many others, always striving not to be the abuser, I need a place to be, to put it all out there, "maybe if it's no longer inside of me it won't keep threatening the life it belongs to". This is my therapy couch. I appreciate you reading, commenting and watching. Thanks for listening or not.
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Purple Peach returns home!
Posted:Aug 2, 2018 11:13 pm
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2019 9:12 pm
She’s BACKKK!!!
It took almost 2 years but I’m finally wanting to get back in this writing saddle again. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I was here. Sexually, you guys haven’t missed much. I spent the majority of the last 2+years having zero sex drive or even worse avoiding any contact for fear of the painful sex that plagued me for years. The Nympho died some time in Italy after the last miscarriage. Sex had become a painful chore that I avoided at all costs. I finally got to a decent GYN late last year, who realized there was a problem. She ran some tests and found my uterus had collapsed on top of my bladder and vagina causing me lots of pain and discomfort. I had a transvaginal hysterectomy in March and am just now finally starting to feel like my libido is existent at all.

An awful lot has gone on in that time but I’ll try to catch everyone up to speed.
We did manage to get both the dogs and the parrot back to the US safely, even if it did take favors from a mob king in Italy..lmao…We really liked our first rental house here in NC but the landlord was a flake and never extended the fence as he promised. With us adopting a 2nd Great Dane we really needed a bigger yard. Plus we added 5 chickens. When the job told the Viking he’d have to retire here we found a smaller house with a huge yard and moved the same day I had my hysterectomy. Exactly 2 weeks later the Viking interviewed and took a job to retire out of hometown Ga. So the 2nd rental house here in NC has sat half unpacked since March. Now I’m repacking for the move to our forever home in Ga.

Last July the Viking broke his leg at work and spent the year recovering his full strength to be able to change jobs to the one he’s in now. His sister and youngest niece were here at the time and it was not a nice few months.

We lost a lot of friends. Our friends who were our main pet sitters in Italy moved here not long after we did and stayed with us while they looked for a house. That few days house hunting turned into a short term living situation that ended our friendship with us feeling badly used and taken advantage of. My best friend from Italy dumped me because of a FB post on immigration. No discussion other than she couldn’t have that in her life and I never heard from her again. My 3rd massage therapist in Italy and the friend I tried reopening our marriage with in Italy was murdered by her live in BF when he shot himself in the head. She was finally getting all her dreams, not even 30 and gone. That one hit both the Viking and myself hard.

I gave up my beloved Z3 last December for a more Great Dane friendly Mazda CX9 but Maz is no substitute for Beemo. I miss that car but it just wasn't the same driving it here as it was in Italy on the Autostrada and Autobahn.

The Viking and I have mostly been amicable roommates since we moved back to the states. He steadfastly refused to show any signs of wanting to repair us until I stopped any pretense of trying to repair our sex life post op. Well, to be fair, he did all kinds of things that he thought should show me that he was sorry and trying to make amends but none of those things were what I asked or wanted of him. Those things have still not been done other than seeing a therapist a few times. We will see if we continue to make progress forward or if the move stalls everything again. My refusal to have sex got us into a marriage therapist faster than flies on shit. We had a few sessions that were very helpful and insightful for him but not much time before he left for the new job in Ga. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find us another good therapist that he’s willing to work with once we are settled. We were not making any progress without a therapist, in fact we were quickly devolving to a toxic living situation.

Physically I’m still struggling with keeping my weight below 140. I’ve roller coastered from 160 to 120 the entire 2 years. I’m currently back up to 157 but hoping to start the downward slide again with the move and increased activity. I stopped dying my hair in Dec 2016 and let my silver shine. I’m really happy with all the white I have. I’ve maintained my healthy eating habits and just have to stay on a regular work out routine. Most of my chronic health issues are being controlled well but my pain from arthritis is getting much worse. I was supposed to go back to physical therapy but the move has that being postponed until we’re in Ga.

The kiddo is doing great! She and I have worked out our issues and are now closer than ever before. It is a huge relief for me to feel like she understands the reasons for some of the harder choices I had to make in her life. It’s great getting to be the cool Disney mom and friend. I’m extremely proud of how well she has handled all the things thrown at her over the last few years. It took a long time for me to adjust to not being there with her all the time but she has done amazingly well. She’s very excited about the property we are buying and us being closer again.

We are super excited about our new place. We’re getting our own little slice of heaven with 45+ acres of a wooded plateau, a 3200 sq. ft. ranch home, barn and old farm house. The house was built in 1988 where the old farm house used to sit. The old farm house was moved a few acres away to its current spot further in the woods with the barn between it and the house. The house sits on 2 acres shaded by 100+ year old pecan and black walnut trees. The back yard is already cross fenced and has 2 separate chicken coops plus a larger one at the barn. There are fig, pear and peach trees to one side of the back yard. The horses have a 10 acre field with another 10-15 acres of woods to roam. Our piece is just a chunk out of the larger estate of over 200 acres so we know we have a large buffer for many years to come. There’s a ton of work to be done to clean out dead fall, over grown brush, shrubs to move and repair fences and gates to be able to move the horses there. The kiddo is only about 30 minutes away. My mom is 2 and half hours. My favorite aunt, cousins and the horses are just 8-10 miles away.

I’ve got several ideas to get the land working for us immediately ranging from enrolling what acreage we can in conservation programs, solar power, selective tree cutting, to a rain water reclamation system to irrigate blueberry, blackberry, willow and evergreen plantings. Ultimately, we want to turn the old farm house into a multipurpose event space where the Viking can brew, we could have our family reunions, holiday parties as well as doing events and short term rentals with a bedroom or 2. We want the barn to be multipurpose with a tack room for gear and feed, a coop for larger fowl we want to raise (pea fowl, pheasant and quail), a brew facility, a workshop, storage and project space for me.

When we started looking for places in Ga to retire on we were hoping to get 20-30 acres and a 3000 sq ft house but we knew it was going to be hard to find. This place was the first house we looked at. It is an estate that has been sitting for almost 4 years because the heirs didn’t want to split the house from the land. We suspect the it will be many more years before they are able to sell the other 170 acre L shaped piece to the right and behind our corner. There’s no road access and it is all woods. The new listing agent happened to be in our agent’s office and heard what we were looking for. He was able to convince the heirs that it was a good idea to split out the house and some land rather than waiting for it all to sell.

The house has geothermal heating and air with an automatic propane back up generator. You feel like you have walked onto a Brady Bunch set house when you walk through and see all the intercoms on the walls with cassette tape players…lol…There’s a big slate fireplace in the living room and the porches are all also slate. We found a huge pile of more slate in the back yard. The other floors are pretty parquet hardwood in great shape. There are 3 full bathrooms and 2 huge bedrooms with several other rooms that we will use for each of us an office, the gym, a sunroom and mud room for the pets, plus a laundry room and screened in back porch that I love!! There’s some electrical issues and water damage from clogged gutters that will have to be handled immediately. The master bathroom will have to be redone due to a leak but I really hated the jet tub and shower anyway so I’m kind of glad that we will get a new master bath.

The Viking and I haven’t done much of anything other than a few date nights, lots of concerts, good local trips on Chief (Indian motorcycle with side car), the movings, medical and him traveling for work. Life has really been great even without the sex. Maybe I’m just getting old. We went to a local club a few times and we tried going to a few house parties but I just wasn’t interested or felt like it was a good fit. We’ve started talking more about it now that we’re talking more but we both are leery of reopening ourselves and our marriage. Two different couples we know are having serious issues related to the lifestyle and although we agree that in theory polyamory sounds fabulous, in reality, it doesn’t seem to work very well for anyone we know.

I fantasize about having another relationship with a woman but I’m not really sure it will ever go beyond fantasy again. I guess only time will tell.

What is happening in your life lately? So what have I missed here in Blogland? How are all my favorite pervs doing?
Be safe and stay fun!
Queen of the Amazon Pygmy Fuck Beasts
Formerly known as the Viking’s Nympho

Summer's End
Posted:Aug 27, 2016 6:46 am
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2018 10:12 pm
August 27, 2016
Greetings Sweet Pervy Friends,
As usual life is running away like a freight train on uppers…lol…Summer is almost over. How did that happen?
My pups and I are counting down our days in Italy, only 8 days left in this beautiful country that has become like a 2nd home for me. I love and adore this country with all its odd quirks and interesting customs. I shipped Beemo (my beloved silver Z3 BMW) back to the states this week so my flying down the highways at 100+mph without worrying about breaking the law are over. So very sad but what amazing times I’ve had driving Beemo from one end of Europe to the other. I love that car!
It has been really hard saying goodbye to the people here who have become like family but I realized that the people who have been here for so long have said more goodbyes than hellos and I’m just another nice person passing through their lives. I’m afraid my non-profit is going to fall apart but I have to let it go and hope for the best.
Moving the pets is the nightmare it always is trying to get all the pieces to move together. The Viking will have to drive me and the dogs to Frankfurt, Germany about 10 hours away to fly out. Some of the airlines made major changes to what flights will take pets and now there are no direct flights for pets out of Italy making the logistics of getting an anxious, fraidy-cat Great Dane home problematic but I got it figured out. With the parrot I thought I had all the ducks in a row until a few of those fuckers jumped in a lake! Since Italy refuses to issues us a permit we need, his flight plans are on hold. I’m sure we’ll figure it out but it really shouldn’t be this hard.
We had an amazing summer. The Viking and I spent almost 3 weeks in Scotland with a couple of days in the UK. We were at Stonehenge for the summer solstice and got to watch the Druids service. The local Druids are one of the only people allowed in the circle anymore. We were there for the historic vote to leave the EU. We explored Loch Ness, found Nessie, a ghost in our Monastery Bell Tower apartment, rode Highland Ponies through the Glen Afric national park, visited lots of Stone Circle and mounds, stayed at the most remote Pub in mainland UK, got kicked out of karaoke for being too good a singer, visited lots of Outlander sites, castles, ruins and incredibly friendly people. I had a week home in Italy before we headed to NC to find our new home for the next 3 years or so. It was all amazing.
The truly amazing part, no arguments or problems between the Viking and me. Of course we haven’t tried to add any new people into our relationship lately either. Until we get into a good couple’s therapist I don’t plan on trying to add anyone. The summer gave us lots of opportunities to rebuild trust in all kinds of ways but not when it comes to other women. I’m really afraid of when we do try to add new people again. I don’t have much left of patience with mistreatment and lack of respect anymore. I love the Viking tremendously but I love me more and would rather be alone than miserable even with him. He’s seemed to be extremely sorry for all the shit he’s pulled and done in the last 2 years but will it stop him from repeating the same stuff? We’ll see. Things are great with us when we are together but when we are apart things get much harder. We’re about to be living together for the 1st time since before we got married almost 5 years ago. We’ve lived apart more than together in the 6 years we’ve known each other.
The downsides to the summer were few and fleeting other than the issue with Lil Bit that is still an ongoing legal issue. She’s decided she wants to live with her dad. Apparently, the 2 of them have been talking about this permanent move for quite a while but no one decided to clue me in until right before school ended and she informed me that she was staying with her dad. The state she’s in says at 14 a can decide where they want to live so fighting about it was/is pointless. She’ll be 14 in less than 6 months. As much as I want to fight this I know letting her make this choice is for the best. Both her therapist and mine agree. It is going to be very strange only having her during holidays and summers. I just hope I’ve given, taught her the tools she needs to succeed.
I’ve worked my ass off to try to get the house ready for moving since the Viking will be the one staying behind to do the household goods pack and ship. I think I’ve got it under control. I’m just hoping we get a good moving crew like when we moved here.
Personally, I need to get back on a serious workout routine and back to eating healthier. I’m back up to 155 lbs and not happy about it. All the travel and being sick since we got back from the US have really piled on the pounds. I’m working on getting back down to 115-120 lbs.
I probably won’t be back on for a few weeks until we get settled in NC. I have a new gorgeous house to decorate and the Viking has a new custom motorcycle with sidecar for us to play with. I hope the summer has been great for all of you. Take care and love each other. Happiness is a choice. Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. Love on.

Thank you
Posted:May 17, 2016 9:13 pm
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2018 10:15 pm
I'll respond individually soon but I just wanted to wish you all a glorious Hump Day! Kisses from the Purple Mrs.

Posted:May 17, 2016 10:20 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2016 1:01 pm
Hello Sweet Pervy Friends,
I’ve missed you. Yes, even you great readers who think I’m stupid but keep coming back to read the stupidity. So who is stupid? No matter why you read I’m happy you do. Keep in mind as you read here that the things that compel me to write are most often of the extreme so by its very nature my life to you seems like a contrast in extremes with more sorrow and woe than joy. The reality is that the joy and wonder of living in Italy and traveling as I do far outweigh the woe and worries I am facing. I count myself among the worlds most blessed on a daily basis.

Lots of deep questions burrowing in my brain of late. How can I feel like these are the best days of my life at the same time that I think my marriage maybe over? Why do I stay? Who wouldn’t? At what point should I go? Does he even understand? Does any of it matter? What is his capacity for love? Can anyone really change? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up.

I thought I had some fail safes in the process of being built. A legally binding agreement between the Viking and I that would have given me some peace of mind to make another last leap of faith with him. Then the lawyer called and said that she can’t draft it for me. It is so difficult to enforce from state to state that the organization’s legal office will not allow their team of lawyers to write such agreements. I would have to pay a lawyer in the state we intend to reside in when the agreement is enforced. It wasn’t much or asking for anything above what I have now but it was an assurance, a concession and a way to show some movement towards reconciliation. Now I don’t even have a legal document to fall back on if he goes Beserker.

My illusions of safety are no better than his illusions of privacy, the truth will out in the end. I’m guessing this is the Universe’s way of telling me to stop looking for guarantees because there are none! I’m wrestling not to snoop because if I had snooped more 2 years ago I wouldn’t have been caught blindsided and yet in the end what would it have changed? What I am really wrestling with is how I can stay in a relationship with someone who lies to me about something as fundamental to a relationship as sex, never mind the emotional betrayals. The hard truth is that there is no way for me to know if he’ll change and even if he does if I don’t believe it then it will all fall apart. I have to find my bottom line and once it is crossed cut him out in every way possible. Right now I’m still caught in that space or too good to leave, too bad to stay except there no reason for me to leave anywhere.

But let’s be real here, I’m not suffering in anyway other than mentally and emotionally. I’m certainly not being abused. For those of you out there saying that psychological and verbal abuse is just as bad as physical or sexual abuse, I would say to you that you haven’t experienced them all, because there most certainly is a difference. Regardless of your opinion on the matter I’ve lived through all the types multiple times at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me. Having a bit of a rough spot in my marriage doesn’t mean I’m repeating a pattern of abuse in my life.

We’re already separated and have been almost a year. Really how bad can it be when I don’t have to live with him, he has little to no way of calling me and limited internet connection depending on where his work has him. As he so often says, I’m living the Rock Star lifestyle why should I fuck it up? Why, because he can’t be trusted about where he puts his dick or his heart? Well sounds to me like I need to tell him to wear a condom and cut him out of my heart so I can live happily ever after. That may well be where this chapter ends up but there is a lot left between now and then.

Back to square one we go. I suppose in reality we never moved away from it. It has always been his way or the highway. Sooner than later the mud gets deep enough and putrid enough that the highway looks damned good. My 4x4 has exceeded its hubs and the highway doesn’t seem nearly as unappealing as it did before.
I’m working every day until early June other than a long weekend or two. I’m glad I took the job when they offered it because it keeps my mind off this shit. I have to stay focused on the day to day things that have to get done. There just isn’t time to worry and ruminate. I’ve got a TO DO List a half mile long for the move already never mind the trips in between.

In short, I’m ok. I’ve kind of shut down for the moment. Better to see the way forward with logic and detachment than trying to deal with overwhelming emotions and grasping for answers that only the passage of time will give. One foot in front of the other watching the days and miles flow beneath my wheels. Happiness is a choice. Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. Love on.

Deep Thoughts Post Make Up
Posted:May 5, 2016 2:06 pm
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2016 5:41 am

The Roller Coaster Scream Machine I live on keeps on kicking it up a notch. I felt like the Viking and I had really made some headway in our rebuilding. Like we were really starting to gel again. I’d gotten to know my new massage therapist pretty well and turns out she’s in the lifestyle. She and I seem to have very similar views on poly hierarchy, being secondary, how that should work, how it could work with us. She and I aren’t interested in a bisexual relationship with each other but sharing my hubby sounded fun so I told her we’d take her out to dinner while he was home. Then while I was away for the Theatre Awards Show they could have alone time to see how much they liked each other.
Our dinner went great but the Viking totally lost that it was supposed to be an us thing and took her out on our last night out together when we were supposed to be celebrating our missed & forgotten anniversary, Valentine’s Day and his upcoming birthday. He came in a 3am talking about still having 2 hours to fuck me before I had to get up with the to send her off on her babysitting job at the awards and I hit the road for a 9 hour drive shortly thereafter. I was so hurt, disappointed and mad that I left when I sent the off without a word. We had a huge blow-up and agreed to call it a large miscommunication. But all weekend my spidey senses kept telling me there was more to the pie and of course there was.
I went to have a heart to heart with the GF on Monday to be told the Viking had only used condoms with her on the first night not the other 2 nights and Sunday morning he came inside her despite reassuring me he wouldn’t take any condom risks and knowing she wasn’t on any birth control and had a pregnancy scare weeks before. I struggled and hung on through 7 miscarriages trying to have his baby but it never crossed his mind that this might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. He had already made plans with her to come out to see him on a weekend we’d been talking about a family trip. When I confronted him he went on a “Fuck you all” rant of about 18 hours. I think I am still in shock that he actually did that deliberately to hurt me.
Then as we’re making up and he’s talking to me about handing over the reins of our relationship to me and being 100% transparent he’s trying to convince the GF to keep something private with him and from me. Feeding her the line of there being a difference between being transparent and not having private conversations. I was livid at them both. He claimed it was a misunderstanding but the GF admitted that she was just too weak to resist him. Great so now I can’t trust either of them.
I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to restrain my anger enough to be around him last weekend but I knew his rage is much fresher than mine. I knew coming home was a big deal for him. I didn’t know how big until he explained it all but it was a significant act of love and asking for forgiveness. He readily agreed to everything I asked for and then some. Now we’ll see how serious he is and if we can get through the next few months without the professional counseling help that I think we really need. My therapist was surprisingly impressed with his efforts to accept his wrongs and mend them. I’m meeting with the lawyer again today to discuss the terms of the separation agreement he’s agreeing to for a year. He’s agreed to be completely honest, open, 100% transparency without privacy in regards to paramours or potential paramours. He claims he’s turning the relationship reigns over to me since he’s fucked up so badly so many times in the last year and a few months. We’re also closing our marriage on my terms which currently only includes shared swinging or EMP’s.
So my light reading of late has been about how to rebuild trust again with multiple betrayals. Thinking about why truth and honesty are so very essential to me. As a survivor of long term emotional, physical and sexual abuse as a I was unable to trust the people closest to me who were supposed to protect me, my mom, my dad, my step-father, my uncles and every other adult who did not protect me from the abusers. Honesty, telling the truth became my only way of gauging trust worthiness. As a of pathological liars learning to tell the truth no matter what the consequences was extremely difficult for me. Learning the value of the truth in romantic relationships was even harder. Telling the truth to those I loved was a hard learned, earned skill for me and not something I’m willing to compromise on. People who can’t be honest, can’t be trusted.
All my life people have lied to me and since becoming an adult free from the influence of my pathological lying family members truth has become my faith and test of worthiness. Telling the truth despite negative consequences shows that someone values honesty, honor, the value of giving their word the same way I do. If I give my word or my promise I will move heaven and hell to make sure I can keep that promise or my given word. If for some reason beyond my control I find I can’t, I bring it to the aggrieved person immediately to see how we can work through it. That sense of honor, your word being your bond and standing behind what you say is an extremely important value in my life. It is one I felt we shared.
Unfortunately what I see is a pattern of lies, deceit and cheating that have left me questioning if I ever really knew the man I married. Was it all just a lie? Was the honor, honesty and value of giving your word just an illusion I wanted to see? A lie he encouraged me to believe while hiding the not using a condom while haranguing me to practice safe sex and the years of preaching about safe sex all just a self-serving lie so he could fuck anyone he wanted without a condom?
3 years here in Italy and 2+ years of hiding an emotional affair, lying to her that he wasn’t married, didn’t have anyone to love and care for him plus a year of basically telling me to shut the fuck up and take what he was dishing or get the fuck out and me at home struggling through 7 miscarriages, 5 of them alone without him, trying to make a home, a safe haven of comfort and love for him when he was rarely ever there wanting to be his best friend and confidant knowing I was just an obstacle to the good time girls he was fucking. Over a year struggling to try to trust him again after all the lies and pushing me behind what he wanted with a woman who thinks I’m a psycho controlling, manipulative, co-dependent bitch ruining his life. Her still trying to deliberately hurt me and him still defending her as recently as Saint Patty’s Day.
And he decides to not use a condom and cum inside a woman who isn’t on birth control, wants a baby, won’t have an abortion, had a pregnancy scare within the last month and who he agreed was a high risk and promised to use condoms without a single thought to how that rash “fuck you” decision would affect me and us. No thought that possibly getting another woman pregnant would destroy me and our marriage. How do you rebuild after that?
Now I sit and wonder, do I really know this person at all? Was everything in our relationship plan a deception to get what he wanted? Did we ever really have a truly open, honest marriage or was it all in my head while he ran around doing as he pleased? Do I offer anything of value to him or is it all just a lie? He said no one takes care of him. No one looks out for him. No one loves him. So what have I been doing for 5 years? What difference did it make writing to him every single day for a year while he was in Afghanistan? Obviously that wasn’t enough to prove I love and care for him what is? If after all the times he’s “come clean” about not using a condom, lying to me about the women he was with repeatedly over the years we’ve been together and all the things I’ve done in that time to build and keep a home for him aren’t enough to prove to him that I am deserving of his trust what is? And what is he doing to regain my trust? Does it really matter? If the betrayals continue and we become FWB who are legally married what difference does it make?
We’ve been together for 6 years this Christmas and most of that time we haven’t actually lived together. In 4 months that will all change and we will be cohabitating again. The 3 years here in Italy I’ve worked hard to make a life for myself, separate from him and on my own. I remember how proud he was the first time someone recognized him as my husband and not the other way around. Tonight the friend who helped me co-found the non-profit here to help families move with large pets and I were recognized by our community with special awards. Now he feels left out of my busy life here.
And the doubts and questions just keep coming: How much do we really have in common? I feel like we have to start over at square one and get to know each other, trust each other all over again if that is even possible. Nickelback has a song titled “Make Me Believe Again”.
"Make Me Believe Again"
Before this hits the ground
Before this fades away
I wanna let it out
And I don't wanna wait
So don't you let me down
And don't you hesitate
Before I turn around
Before I walk away
I want you to make me
Make me
Make me

Make me believe again
In some kind of faith
Help me to see again
Before it's too late
'Cause forever is never
That far away
Make me believe again
(Make me believe again)
I can't pretend
Make me believe again
I can't pretend
Make me (believe again)
Believe again

If you could take the dirt
And wash it all away
If you could say the words
That make me want to stay
Just tell me there's a chance
To hell with all the blame
If you could take my hand
If you could lead the way
I want you to make me
Make me
Make me

Make me believe again
In some kind of faith
Help me to see again
Before it's too late
'Cause forever is never
That far away
Make me believe again
(Make me believe again)
I can't pretend
Make me believe again
I can't pretend
Make me (believe again)
Believe again

Make me believe again
In some kind of faith
Help me to see again
Before it's too late
'Cause forever is never
That far away
Make me believe again
(Make me believe again)
I can't pretend
Make me believe again
I can't pretend
Make me believe again
I can't pretend
Make me believe again
I can't pretend
Make me believe again”

That song really kind of sums up how I feel lately. He’s there. I’m here and nothing is going to change much until the fall but I want to believe again. Right now I don’t feel much of anything. I get brief intense flashes of misery, betrayal, rage but they pass so quickly it’s hard to believe I’ll ever really feel again. I so wanted to curl up in the Viking big strong arms and just cry, wail, fall apart but I can’t anymore without the trust. How do you let someone who broke you try to put you back together? I don’t know but I’m trying.

I read this article the other night and it really resonated with me not because of what it says the betrayer can do but what I have to do. The questions I have to answer.

“This isn’t the kind of thing you can just brush off through positive thinking. You can’t make yourself feel trusting by telling yourself you should be, or rationalizing away your feelings.
The reality is it takes time and effort to trust again. It takes the courage to acknowledge how you feel and willingness from the other person to hear and honor it. It takes a mutual commitment to move beyond what happened instead of reliving and rehashing.
But most importantly, it requires you to believe in the goodness and positive intentions of the person who hurt you.
You have to believe someone can treat you with respect and consideration—even if it takes you a while to get there—or else you’ll never let your guard down. That’s a painful place to be.
The thing about being defensive is that everything becomes a battle, and no one ever wins.
Of course this doesn’t mean we can ever know for certain that someone won’t hurt us again. The only way we can know if we’re able to trust someone is by first giving them trust.
That means we need to ask ourselves: Is this relationship worth that risk?
Is it worth feeling vulnerable?
Is it worth forgiving?
Is it worth letting go of the story?
And if it’s worth it, what would it look like to give trust, starting right now? “

Spring Fever Update
Posted:Apr 13, 2016 4:30 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2016 12:59 pm
Tonight there’s thunder in the sky.
Just like the night you said good bye
And what’s left of a heartache
Runs like rain from my eyes
The winds of change gonna blow it all away
And its strange how you won’t matter
You won’t matter anymore
Fleetwood Mac “Winds of Change”

April 13, 2016
It’s storming here tonight which isn’t unusual except the thunder and lighting. Back home most storms are accompanied by thunder and lightning of epic proportions. I’ve gotten so accustomed to the wind, rain storms without the sound and light show here that when we do have true thunderstorm like tonight it kind of shocks me. Like the headlights of cars passing on the walls in a city when you’ve only been out in the country for years. The weather is fitting given my and the Viking’s current disapproval with karma. I know I’ve been gone a long time so I’ll just give you the condensed version of an update so I can get on with waxing darkly.
The Viking is feeling furious, betrayed and abused by his work. I won’t get into details but politics are a bitch and making the right choices doesn’t mean you get the reward for making the hard right choices and getting the job done right. No, in the end we are cogs in a giant machine run on numbers and tiny little boxes with or without figures in them. There is no consideration for good deeds and helpfulness to the community or the organization. Bottom line is the Viking didn’t get a promotion he thought was pretty much a done deal and our request to be extended here for 52 days so we can all move at the same time was denied. It is once again the Viking and his Nympho against the world.
Relationship wise he and I are still working through issues. He swears he is totally devoted to me know because my willingness to stand up to him and fight for our marriage make him realize what an ass he was and how much he wanted us. I have my doubts but I’m trying to trust and move forward.
My great Italian Love is no longer in love with me. Hell, maybe he never was. He’s spent the last month and a half distancing himself from me. When I finally confronted him for some answers he said that after he realized I was really leaving in Sept he just felt different like there was no future for us. The dream of forever was nice but the reality for him is he doesn’t see a future. He still loves the idea of me he fell in love with but he knows that ideal isn’t me and he’d rather leave feeling like he’s saving us both from heartache rather than admit that I’m just not the woman for him. He can’t share, not really. I’m heartbroken that he would rather cut his losses and run rather than spend the few months we have enjoying each other and figuring out if a future was possible. I miss him. His arms gave me a refuge of peace and calm that I’ve never had with anyone else. We love the same music and thrive listening to or making live rock. We always made each other smile and laugh. The sex was incredible but problematic as he always seemed to be suffering from a sex injury or some other issue. He’s struggling with back issues, tendonitis in one hand, taking care of his elderly mom and 2 grown sons in their early 20’s plus his 12 yr old in a neighboring country. I got used to us not having sex much a long time ago and for a nympho I was surprisingly perfectly ok with that. Once he stopped talking to me and making time for me I knew he was pulling away and my heart broke as I watched myself become just another woman chasing him. Not anymore. We had some things planned together and now that we’re finished with them I doubt I’ll see much of him or he of me. We’ve gone to a couple of concerts together since and he’s given me a ride to drop off the car. We are friends in the plutonic polite slowly back away until we are gone sense of friendship.
I have a gorgeous new tattoo as you can see from the pics. He was the translator for that and sat with me through the 3 hours of the second sitting. He wouldn’t touch me at all so I’m not really sure why he stayed.
I finally got the Boudoir Shoot edited pics back and a few of those will also be here for you. We had our first and only music session together April 8 at the same place we met. A fitting good bye, I suppose. I miss him. I miss my love, my lover and my friend. I know that if we were really all I thought to each other he wouldn’t be walking away but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I was actively working out how to have him be a permanent part of our lives and he was plotting to escape.
Lil Bit is in full on teenage bitch mode. We generally can’t stand to be in the same room unless she wants something so she watches her smart mouth and attitude until she determines whether she can get what she wants. She’s off at Jesus Spring Break camp until Sat night so I have a mommy-staycation. It’s nice to be able to know that if the house is dirty it was me because no one else is here and it stays amazingly clean!
It is what it is ‘til it ain’t anymore. (Kacey Musgrove lyrics)
We are in wait and see mode for what the ramifications of the extension denial will be other than slightly inconvenient once I’m here on my tourist visa. I have the process for the dogs and parrot to get back to the states and am confident it will be stressful but not difficult. We have been planning trips (the must sees before we leave Europe) and making plans for house hunting in this new place he hates. The Viking will be home for a week or so this Friday and I can’t wait to curl up with him. We both need to be wrapped in love and heal each other’s hearts.
And while all these heart and soul aches are going on my daffodils, tulips and herbs blooming make me smile. The incredible Italian sunsets make me ache knowing they are numbered. The horses play and roll in the field in front of the gate. I love this house and the home it has been for us for 3 almost 4 years. These things just don’t seem like they are huge obstacles. I have this odd sense of peace of mind that it will work out.

Happy HowlingDanes to All!
Posted:Dec 29, 2015 7:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2020 11:10 pm
Not enough time for a proper update but I wanted to stop in and wish all my favorite pervs a very Merry, Happy Holiday season! Hope life is treating everyone well. I'll have a full update and more pics soon.

Topsy Turvy World
Posted:Dec 7, 2015 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2015 7:26 am
Topsy Turvy World

It has been a topsy turvy world for me the last few weeks. The 5 days with the Viking in Turkey were filled with rain, thunder storms, cooking until I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand it and feeling totally blindsided and let down when I learned the Viking was re-engaging with the Mistress. I headed home once again wondering if our marriage was doomed. He and I argued, talked it all out over the week we were apart and worked through it all by the time he flew into Italy this past weekend. He claims he’s cut all contact with her and will not re-engage with her for any reason. He seems to be getting some serious empathetic insights into my feelings with my relationship with my Italian Love seeming to be rekindling.
I came back from Turkey and headed out that night to a show. It was the first time I’d been to one of my Italian Love’s shows since we “broke up” and were just being friends. He couldn’t keep his eyes off me, told me several times how much he truly missed me, was happy to see me and there was a lot of very friendly hugs but we maintained the friends status until after I left and decided to go for a nice long fast drive in Beemo the Z3. I miss driving my Z3 when I’m away and I had so much on my mind. He was really worried about me and asked me to stop by his house on my way home since I didn’t have to be home until early morning. We wound up mostly naked, cuddling, talking and kissing until I had to go home. He and I had some deep chats and talks all week. He came back to see me Wed afternoon for another round of mostly naked cuddling. Then decided to go to the opening night of Lil Bit’s Christmas Show with me and stay the night Friday night. When he slipped his hands into my panties I told him I had no problem not having sex with him but that if he took off my panties I could not tell him no. I could resist as long as he wanted but I was not able to tell him no. He was out of his and had my panties off in record time.
It was a remarkable night and morning of amazing sex. There was a marked difference in his connection to me then versus before we broke up which really shocked me since I felt we were so very connected before. I don’t know if it really means we are back together or if he’s just finally taken me at my word that I don’t care if he’s with me while he’s trying to figure out what he wants from her. He won’t tell me much about what’s happening or happened with her but from what he has says it sounds like he tried to go back to her to make a full on “let’s try again” and she told him she’d take him back the way they were before which was as a weekend lover when she wanted him. He’s not that kind of man. He was with me 5 or more days and nights a week. He likes having our lives intricately combined and intertwined. I was worried about going to his shows but he said she never goes. I’m still singing with him on the 26th and he wants me at his shows. We’re making plans for the month but he does seem to be keeping me at a bit of an arm’s length. I’m just happy to have him back and hoping we’ll get back to the sharing as much time as we can again soon. I miss him terribly and am so happy to have him back in any way I can get him.
The Viking has been home a few days and we’ve worked through lots of things but there are still a lot of ruffled feathers and hurt feelings to work out. He’s having some major revelations about sharing and how awful he really was to be. He seems to really understand and accept that my Italian Love gives me outlets for parts of me that he doesn’t; my spirituality, my musical passion, my writing of poetry, my intuitive side and just searching for peace.
I was fighting a cold before I left for Turkey. It seemed to go away while I was there. I was fine the week in between and now I’m feeling sick again. I swear the Viking brought me some Turkish crud or maybe it is just the stress of dealing with all of our struggles. I’m looking forward to a night with my Italian Love this week if he can figure out when he’s free.
We’re celebrating Christmas early for the Viking and then I’m going to take a week of hibernation time before I have to work a few days before the holidays. Hope everyone is having a great week. Love each other well.

Happy Turkey Day
Posted:Nov 23, 2015 2:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2015 7:25 am
Goobble goobble! Be thankful and love one another well!
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good fuck!
Posted:Nov 23, 2015 2:22 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2015 1:26 pm
Me and Lil Bit fly out tomorrow for the week of turkey day in Turkey. At least I know I’ll be well fucked this week. It has truly been a grueling week for me emotionally. I just was not prepared for losing and letting my Italian Love go so soon. He wants to stay friends and I’m trying really, really hard but when he keeps telling me how much he still loves and wants me but he just has to give this thing with the ex one more try it is hard to understand. I’m still hoping that he’ll go back to her and find that she hasn’t changed and it isn’t what he wants but I think my heart is just being hopeful. Logically and practically I’m pretty sure that he just isn’t able to deal with being in a poly relationship. Only time will tell.
I won’t be able to check in while in Turkey so I thought I’d leave you fine freaky friends of mine with several days of nakedness to make up for all the sadness I’ve been posting. I wish I could say I was looking forward to going to Turkey but I fucking hate that place and to be honest I’m struggling with the Viking comforting my broken heart after he smashed it for 7 months. He and I have a lot of unresolved questions and issues that I doubt he’s ready to address. I’m just heartbroken and exhausted but not sure I’m going to get any relief with him. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll surprise me. We’ll see.
In the meantime, be thankful for those you have and love. Look for the love and the joy in each and every day and person in your life. They may not be there tomorrow. Love and kindness are never wasted or a waste of time. Happiness is a choice, make it yours. Change is inevitable growth is optional but painful. Be happy and grow forever.

Nothing To See
Posted:Nov 23, 2015 12:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2015 7:22 am

I searched his face, his voice, his mannerisms for traces of the man I love
But I saw none
His eyes are dark and moody
not the changing blue of the sea and sky
He has a long flowing full head of hair and full beard
not the Mr. clean look I adore
He's only a bit taller than I
not the towering lean man of mine
His voice is soft
not the deep timber that shakes my soul
His presence doesn't draw every eye in the room
But when she sang I saw in his eyes
the same love and adoration I'd seen on my loves face so many times before
The same gaze on my face everytime I watch him play
How did I wind up here watching his wishing I was with my sun & soul shine .
LAF 11/22/15

Lessons Relearning
Posted:Nov 20, 2015 5:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2015 7:21 am
Lessons Relearned
In the wee hours
As I stare upon my form
In the twinkling light
Just before the dawn
I wonder again
What’s missing
What’s wrong
What does this one have
Why must I always be strong
As once again I mourn
In that mirror, what do they see
That gives them the power
To make me grieve and pine for days of yourn
I turn my back
For lessons I must again learn
5 times and 30 hours not enough in my memory burned
Take the joy where you find it
An instance can take it all away
No new day are we promised in time
Nothing but fate can make them stay
Live, love and laugh even when you can not see the sun shine
Strength and light from within never without
Control your mind
All things for a reason
With love no doubts
Cry when you must, yet stand tall and firm
Know you've given your best
None can ask for more
Than your love given freely without fail or stall
Freedom to become anything you can call
Love given
Love shared
Loves gifts shall not fall.
LAF 11/18/15

Mirror, Mirror
Posted:Nov 20, 2015 5:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2015 1:23 pm
Mirror, Mirror

As I stare in my mirror
I wonder what they see
Certainly not the me
Standing shuddering with tears and grief
Some other woman’s form
Calls them away
What do those women have that I don’t
Enough to make good men stay
I wonder as I’ve watched them walk away
Some turn back perhaps never again to stray
Others unknown if they are
Still walking to this day
But the doubts linger on
Long after those early days
Why am I not enough if I truly deserve all their praise
Hollow words to soften the blow
No guts to wield the knife for the killing stroke
The lesser of two evils
Will you ever truly know
Or will you just keep wondering
Striving for a few pounds more
Knowing it isn’t the wrinkles or the wear and tear
Perhaps you can’t ever really know
As I curl up alone, seeking some sleep
I have to wonder why I bother pushing my loves
When I know there’s none that can keep.
LAF 11/18/15


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