A Mule, a Donkey, Or A ...?
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Posted:Apr 24, 2007 11:59 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 8:47 pm
5471 Views
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A Mule, a Donkey, Or A ...?
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
       
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9 Words Women Use
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Posted:Apr 23, 2007 10:10 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 7:08 pm
5423 Views
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9 Words Women Use
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not quest ion, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
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COWBOY IN A GAY BAR
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Posted:Apr 12, 2007 6:14 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2009 5:48 pm
5424 Views
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COWBOY IN A GAY BAR
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink"
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'
And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!
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Tax Time
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Posted:Apr 11, 2007 11:07 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 8:50 pm
5322 Views
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 At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they
Send us a complete dick..."
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Ha! Ha! Silly.
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Posted:Apr 2, 2007 7:45 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2009 7:18 pm
5442 Views
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Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about two months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God.
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"
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Redhead
There was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theaterfollowed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies..... ......... ......... .....
"Wait for it.......... ......... ......
It's coming...... .........
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
( I just send them on, I don't write them.)
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Jokes
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Posted:Mar 31, 2007 9:20 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 5:05 pm
5523 Views
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many , grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
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Martha and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking...
Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date...I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well...I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car...a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner...marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show...let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious!...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no...I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
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In a small town the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.
They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said,"Then why don't you drive it away".
They said "We can't drive".
He said "Then why did you buy it?"
One of the ladies answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting."
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Bubba and Leroy
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Posted:Mar 29, 2007 9:43 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 8:52 pm
5354 Views
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Leroy, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Look thar up ahead, ! Leroy, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!
"Don't worry, Bubba," Leroy said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Leroy.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Leroy while pointing at the labels...
"Me and Bubba's on the Patch ".
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"Hello?"
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Posted:Mar 29, 2007 9:40 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 8:54 pm
5378 Views
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"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house & then come back to the phone."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
After a long pause, Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? - ?"
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The LOVE Dress
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Posted:Mar 26, 2007 6:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2009 5:44 pm
5316 Views
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 The LOVE Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married 's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her -in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the -in- law answered."
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the -in- law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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So True!
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Posted:Mar 26, 2007 6:39 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 8:55 pm
5439 Views
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 A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac .
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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