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Buzz Buzz in my brain  

SensualMe1963 57F  
20 posts
5/27/2018 1:31 am
Buzz Buzz in my brain

I am not the type to date multiple people at the same time. I might talk to multiple people at the same time but once I begin being intimate with someone, I stop talking to the others. The only real exception is when dating a man who understands my bisexuality and welcomes my desires for the other sex. I've never experienced a partner like that.
I also do not miss men when dating a woman.
I am confused as to what I want right now. There is an incredible sexy hispanic woman I have been chatting with but she is married, which I have NO problem with...I will not date a married man but if a married woman needs discretion from her husband, no problem. I know I want her...for hours... as often as possible. It's most definitely a lust driven desire.... yep, moooost definitely.
The male candidate(s) are diverse and in varying degrees of communication.
Number one is a man close to my age who has gotten into my head with his attentive ways. Morning texts, call during the day, steamy texts and some delicious pics that make parts of the anatomy...moist. He understands my health limitations and is willing to work around them.
Number two and I have been chatting for a longer period. At 12 years younger and someone who I describe as left brain, he remains a faceless stranger, content to chat with light flirts and banter. I enjoy his chats but his hesitation to even share a pic or meet for a quick drink has resulted in self-placement in the dreaded friend zone.
And still, buzzing in my daily existence, is the romance that wasn't. My tasty Asian fusion biker/cowboy. The man who I went against my instinct and let my guard down with... nothing to worry about here, he is just a friend... who I have fallen for in the classic stupid bad decision of wanting someone who isn't interested or attracted to me.
Bad timing or indecision...I cannot tell. Tasty Morsel is friends with my nephew's business partner. I hired him to work on my house. Before coming to work for me his interactions with my nephew were not that frequent and usually only when his partner was there ,so when my tasty morsel wants to come over and just hang out or burn one with me, I get confused. I have never been shy about my attraction to him but I have also never acted on that attraction either. Twice I have embarrassed myself; once by telling him... straight up, I was meeting someone later that evening , a much younger man who was very interested in ending my 3 1/2 year "dry spell" but that he wasn't the one I was interested in....I wanted my Tasty morsel instead. I explained that I knew he had expressed interest in another person but if he was interested in me as well, I wouldn't go any further with my potential boy toy. I was answered with a guilty smirk and he began to say that he really liked this other person. I stopped him there, apologized and quickly left the premises. I blew off my date and went on a roll and burn to lick my wounded prides/self esteem.Flash forward to a few days later and I was able to spend time with him again. We were sitting outside,<b> smoking </font></b>a joint when I began to jokingly bust his chops for laughing during my moment of embarrasment. He asked if I had gone on my date and I told him no. It was then that he delivered the doozy of all mixed signal statements.
"I'm not saying no to the idea of you, I'm saying no to the idea of "that"". My only was response to laugh and tell him I wasn't offering "that" I was just trying to figure out if he was interested.
So I stopped talking to other men and started just spending time with him. We talked about past relationships, future goals, everything and nothing. Lunches, shopping expeditions for materials for the house and more conversations.He said he is old fashioned and likes to take things slow... I was surprised but actually okay with that.But then I felt myself catching the feels for a man... a man who hadn't held my hand or offered more than a kiss. I told him things I had not even shared with my husband of 10 years.
It was about about a month of this when I was invited to spend time with an old friend and his wife. Our evening included a reconnection with someone who I had known years before when we were both dating others. He was attentive and flirtatious and walked me to my car in an attempt to secure a kiss. I surprised myself when I rebuffed his kiss! A hot younger man offers me a kiss and I am not one who would usually decline.
The next afternoon I teasingly told Tasty Morsel that he owed me a kiss for the one I turned down the previous evening. His reaction surprised me to my core. It felt as if I had just told him that he was going to be forced to tongue fuck the snatch of a crack . He explained he NEVER kissed anyone until he "was in love" He acted offended that I had even joked about it. I joked it off by saying I didn't expect it immediately and once again...quickly vacated the premises. I texted him immediately after getting home apologizing for his obvious discomfort. It was a few hours later, after a nap, I came to the realization that I was to Tasty Morsel what aborted Boy Toy was to me. I want to say I took the realization well but nope... had to send him a text poring out my confession of desire,,,my longing to touch and kiss him and how I realized I was just making a fool of myself.He had often talked about the "spark" of attraction. In a moment of blog like communication I mentioned the spark and how even a flint and stone need contact to create a spark...spontaneous combustion is a myth blah blah blah. I then explained I need to not spend so much time with him.
And I did.
Which brings me back to number One. As I said he is most definitely someone who has me attracted... very attracted. He would be a wonderful play partner and excellent lover but is that enough?
And Tasty Morsel keeps buzzing around...just out of reach. Spending time with me whether anyone is here or not. A quick stop in on the way to the other job or after the day is done.
And I feel my heart breaking because I know...I know down deep...that if I move on to Candidate One the possibility of what could have been a real, true romance and relationship with Tasty Morsel will forever be gone.

SensualMe1963 57F  
10 posts
5/30/2018 8:30 am

Interesting... no, frustrating... yes! 😂

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