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Cheating - the emotional & visceral response  

Travel_Couple69 54M
82 posts
5/21/2015 11:20 am
Cheating - the emotional & visceral response

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MissCinders 55F
1525 posts
5/21/2015 11:56 am

This topic is never going to go away or change. I do not see married men as I am not here to help anyone cheat. It is my preference and I am entitled to it. I do not judge those that are married. It's their life and no skin off my nose. However, I have a hissy fit when I get challenged or questioned "why not". As if they need an answer from me. When they don't get the answer they are looking for well look out. Here comes the name calling, or the preverbial response "I don't know what I'm missing" blah blah blah. Kinda hard NOT to judge or tear them a new one when being attacked. Not to mention the multitude of emails I get. I think I need to hire a secretary to handle these types of people as they are surely a waste of my time.

Travel_Couple69 replies on 5/21/2015 12:22 pm:
absolutely agree...if someone says no, the only correct response, if one must respond, is "thank you for your time, wishing you the best" not to beg, cajole, or name call...we feel no one has to justify their likes/dislikes, or give a reason for saying no...and if the other side cant take it, they shouldnt be surprised if someone unloads on them.

cinnamon0133 28F

5/21/2015 11:56 am

Very well written! Thank you for sharing a very thoughtful intelligent response

Treat Me Like A Angel And I Will Show You What Heaven Is Really Like

Travel_Couple69 replies on 5/21/2015 1:32 pm:
Thank you for your comments...as we know from reading your past comments on posting on this issue, you would leave a relationship before you cheat..this is great testament of one's character - and we admire that, as we admire the couples whom manage to celebrate 50+ years of marriage - sadly not all of us can be so fortunate.

we should have added the disclaimer our respective first marriages ended after affairs, of which our exs are still with, in our respective second go around, we cheated...with each other..and ended those relationships..yet we are together 10 years on...the point continues cheating, while hurtful, is complex, and though we are all happy today, there was certainly a time when it hurt...bad..yet we are all where we are now and sometimes, one has to put the past behind them, and though we all share common human experiences, the paths are vastly different. It doesnt make it right..but it is a fact of life.

peekabooicu2ucme 43F
4534 posts
5/23/2015 1:02 am

One small correction, I never told our children what happened or talk badly about their father. They were told by a relative against my wishes. Furthermore I have encouraged in every way for them to have a positive relationship with him and include him in all family holidays and activities should he care to attend.
I write here about whatever I wish for my own entertainment and release. My opinions are my own. Agree, disagree, debate, its all interesting. One post doesn't show all of whom a person is or what they're made of, but that's whays so great about blogland, peeking inside anothers head and getting different ideas and views.

Come visit me too peekabooicu2ucme

Travel_Couple69 replies on 5/23/2015 8:53 am:
Thank you for commenting on our blog on an issue you have strong feelings about. And you are most certainly not alone in how you feel - cheating hurts and infidelity undermines the core foundation of what relationships are supposed to be built on. However, once its out and assuming the end of the relationship, how do the pieces get back together - it is only our opinion, from our experiences, that good, even great people, do 'bad' or at the least dumb things, selfish things, without necessarily considering the consequences of those act...cheating is only one, there are many others.

We thought we were clear that it was our experience that the infidelity of (my) Mothers (adopted - love them both) was used by my Father as a wedge between myself and siblings. Of course you may not have wished the issue to get reach your children, but you equally made comments about shaming cheaters online, said you dont post anything you wouldnt say in person, and commented on your exs current social standing, including your children as comeuppance for his transgression. If enough similarly like minded people come together around an issue like this, of course its going to get out...obviously someone in your family thought so strongly about your ex, they told your kids against your permission - this is exactly what shaming, mob justice, self-righteousness, or vehemence does.

This is what I went through as a child, but my father and his side of the family. I cant wish a runt in my Mother's cunt, she is not a 'bad' person - I do know what a 'bad' person is...I call him my Father (actually - dont call him at all, but thats another story)

To reiterate, the emotional and visceral response to cheating is to lash out at the cheater - they are scum, they are to be shamed, they are deserving of punishment - it is exactly these emotions that were/are used in divorce and custody (you allude in your blog this cost your ex) but as a greater society we have to acknowledge that the reasons for a break down in a relationship are not universal, that while you feel your ex is deserving of all the bad that comes to him, our opinion is that we can not live or function by this standard. That the breakdown or issues in a relationship of a couple (save abuse) doesnt change the way I felt about them if previously held in high esteem.

We hold the view that the reasons for cheating are personal and complex. While it is absolutely, for the purposes of this site, a factor in which to exclude meeting another, its the full out value judgement that we mostly disagree with.

You are right that the snippets of posts and blogs do not reveal the whole side to yourself, to expand, you are the sum of all parts of how you live your life and no one part, out of context, is a summation of your character....that's kinda our point too.

Appreciate you taking the time for respectful discourse on this issue.

peekabooicu2ucme 43F
4534 posts
5/24/2015 2:01 am

I agree with the sentiment that good people sometimes do bad things.
It was a child that told mine as she was seeing, or at least hearing it, in the house across from mine. It was all very unfortunate. The custody stuff was and is actually seperate. While I laugh at the karma I get to see with other adults that know some or part of the story from either here or because I'm in a small community that knew what was going on before I did, I don't add to his own self harm. Maybe its petty, but being betrayed so thouroughly changes a person.
The abuse... is a seperate issue.
We are actually on fairly good terms now as he has supervised visits in my home once a week and has had it so for several years now.
My blog wasn't even about him, but in the comments I did mention the biggest reason I feel so strongly against cheating.
For the record, I have known cheaters deeply sorry for their actions, and do not think they are horrible people. I guess its a matter of selfish callousnes that makes the difference to me. But then again, that's just me.
All due respect for the polite discussion.

Come visit me too peekabooicu2ucme

need4freedom 58M  
101 posts
6/2/2015 3:30 pm

It is a bit odd that in a realm devoted to eros - so much judgement about 'extra marital' lustful desires exists. I get the sense of anger by a lover being lied to about a paramours true status - but amongst the grown up, willing and informed - why would others weigh in with objection?
sadly the whole cheating thing is perhaps more comment on the breakdown of communication than anything. so many relationships grow dysfunctional, while a strong societal ethos treats separation as failure - leaving people cope as best they can and often seeking solace and passion where they can find it.
the old adage of loneliness being even more so when not alone is as true today as ever - and just as apt to see the same response - only now women are equally liberated to partake.
nice writing guys.

senecaguy2 59M
339 posts
6/8/2015 2:49 pm

Well written .. kudos

redmustang91 60M  
9655 posts
7/1/2015 5:40 am

Life is complicated. Some married women do cheat because their husbands are uninterested in sex with them.

Some married people cheat so they can remain married. Why remain married if you have to cheat? Children, jobs, better lifestyle than you can afford on your own. Avoidance of legal costs and damages from divorce, etc.

Some spouses prefer the other spouse to get sex elsewhere. Yes, really...

Life is complicated.

thegrlsnme 63F  
1683 posts
8/26/2015 8:46 am

Very well said. I used to be close minded, as I was the one cheated on. Since being on here and in the dating world again, I am not. With that being said, there is that percentage of people, men and women, that do cheat. It is what it is. and yes life is complicated.................thegrls

Enjoy the ride searching for what you want here..........thegrls

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