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Dating Disaster: Just Give Up?!?  

bipolybabe69 59F
422 posts
6/5/2016 8:11 pm
Dating Disaster: Just Give Up?!?


I'd eagerly anticipated the first date with a local guy who is a non-fiction writer who'd just written his first novel.

I'm pretty good at interviewing people, asking them about themselves, but I get tired of it. Recently, I've begun waiting to see if men ask me any questions. I've had men leave a first date without even knowing what I do for a living.

Writer Guy talked for 15-20 minutes about the process of writing his novel because I was genuinely interested and kept asking questions. He talked about the novel as a baby, asked me if I had . I said I have boy-girl twins who've just turned 21. He said, "So you know about how protective we are of our babies" and he turned the conversation back to his novel as a baby.

He tried to guess my degrees from UCSB and UCLA. He guessed wrong. When I said I'd studied political science and Latin American Studies, he turned the conversation back to his who'd studied political science, gone on in law and was trying to start a practice in Santa Barbara.

Because my profile on Tinder mentions that I'm a sex educator, he did ask me how I got into that. I related a brief snippet of my story and about my plans for future IP (intellectual property) products. He tried to tell me about those. I said decisively, "No one gets rich from books or webinars. My expectation is to secure for consultation at a higher dollar."

Though we agreed that the woman needs to lead for a couple to try something new, he started to tell me that how women are so "fierce" in their protectiveness of young that they can't take a risk sexual exploration until their are off to school.

I objected. I said it's really about time and energy.

I said, "You're drawing upon an old biological model of women as needing a man's support and protection when they have young . There's research that says we're all more naturally polyamorous. Check out 'Sex at Dawn.'"

He interrupted me and said, "I've interviewed 50,000 people..."

"About sex?" I interrupted.

"About everything," he said, continuing, "I go in there not knowing about them before I ask questions..."

I interrupted, "But you are basing your opinion on your cultural context. The very questions you ask..."

He interrupted me and said I hadn't listened. I complained that he had talked for 20 minutes at the start without asking me questions. "That's pretty common for men to do. They talk about themselves, thinking that's how to impress a woman. I'm pretty clear that I like someone who asks me a question to let me talk about myself." (At least I'm clear about that. I listen but I hope also to have someone be interested in me.)

"I asked you several," he defended, "Well, I'm sick of how women think they can say whatever they want and men kowtow (sp?) to them. That's how women are."

"You are making fun of me," I said.

He said, "If I were making fun of you, you'd know it."

"I heard sarcasm," I said. "You forget that I can hear tone of voice when you're here in person. And the number one ingredient for comedy is timing. That was bad timing."

That's when I got up, shook his hand and left. I've never done that before on a first date or any date, for that matter. I decided I'd rather be home reading the book I just started: Louise Erdich's "The Painted Drum." It's great! Beautiful use of language and images that stick in your brain.

Regarding this date, which ended just an hour ago, I'm thinking I'm too jaded and bitter...but the truth is, this guy irritated the heck out of me. As I rode my bike home, I replayed the conversation in my head and wished only that I'd thanked him for the drink. In absentia, I say to him, "Thank you."

From the first moment I saw him, I was aware that I just wasn't attracted to him. I've found from dating online for, geez, almost 16 years off and on, that men are less attractive than their pictures and women are usually more so. Such was the case with him. He was older and less well-groomed than his photos and he hadn't bothered to dress up to meet me. I don't consider sporting gear to be date dress. I was sorry I'd bothered to floss, brush my teeth and use mouthwash. To say nothing of showering, shaving, curling my eyelashes, putting on lip gloss and choosing a cute outfit. It takes an hour for me to get ready. It seems so inefficient to waste that on one guy...who will probably not be The One who Gets Me.

Geez! I have no patience any more. I (probably) won't give up. But I do need a break. That's why I say that when someone seems unavailable in online dating, it's not useful to attribute the lack of response to lack of interest in you. It's more likely that the other person is just in the low point of interest in meeting new people. I call it the ebb and flow of energy to meet new people.

No one likes a bitter woman. I'm bitter and angry. And sad. And lonely. And afraid that I'll never find ANYONE I really care about who also cares about me and wants to make me happy. I know it's pretty easy to make me happy. Pay attention to me, make it your job to help me achieve my desires, let me give to you and let's appreciate one another for our efforts.

Oh, yeah, and don't cut me off when I'm speaking. And don't stop communicating with me when there's an upset between us.

There is a reason women and men get bitter and jaded about love. My theory is that timing is the number one ingredient for successful relationships. I think the timing for love at mid-life is even more challenging. Because we bring so much baggage from past disappointments, it's nearly impossible to see the other person. We're simply battling the last man/woman who didn't understand or appreciate us.

Your thoughts?


{=}{=}{=}

BiPolyBabe69

sasha3676 63F  
113 posts
6/5/2016 8:22 pm

My thought is you had a not so good experience There will be others you will connect with .Continue dating casually and you still could meet the one who gets you


BrownEyedBBW 53F  
8831 posts
6/5/2016 8:34 pm

I think you invested way too much time in someone you knew right away you weren't interested in. I think we women do that a whole hell of a lot. Guys will guide out to spy and see if a woman is attractive and bail if they don't like her.women will grit their teeth and try to have chit chat with Quasimodo while thinking, "never again".

I suspect that's why some women get jaded.

Next time, bail as soon as you know you don't like a guy and if you like him.... keep it short so you both have something to look forward to.


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/6/2016 9:32 am:
That's what I was considering this morning: "Why didn't I risk being impolite and excuse myself before sitting down for a drink?"

I think being polite is socialized into women, fear of hurting someone's feelings.

I do think better of myself, though, for being willing to give someone an hour of my time to find out if I'm interested or not. I guess I'm not able to let go of being polite! My mother trained me well. The only thing I feel bad about is that I didn't thank him for the drink when I stood up, shook his hand and excused myself.

BiggLala 49F  
30144 posts
6/5/2016 9:56 pm

My thoughts is you wrote a wonderful post. Like you, I need a break, and will take it once my membership runs out at the end of the month...not really sure what I'm waiting for, though.

I think you're right about timing being a key ingredient for successful relationships. Sadly, my bitterness comes from always seemingly having poor timing when I meet a guy. Ah well...I do believe my ONE is out there. I just need to take care of myself, time it right and be ready when he is.

Need a way to message ALL members?...click here for helpful instructions in setting up a private messaging blog post.


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/6/2016 9:51 am:
I get discouraged and then lose energy to keep putting myself out there. Interestingly, I find better connections with men on this site than the conventional dating sites.

I guess that's not so surprising since my primary life focus is sex and how to do it well. I find more openness on this site and fewer judgmental guys. And no less respect than anywhere else.

In fact, maybe I'll just quit Tinder because that's where I've encountered two of THE WORST. Thanks for reminding me. I'll write about that other dickhole, too.

In short, if you're genuinely interested in finding a man who is more sexually open-minded, I think this is a better site. Just my opinion after nearly 16 years of dating, off and on.

FullOn4U 56M
20399 posts
6/6/2016 2:01 am

"showering, shaving, curling my eyelashes, putting on lip gloss and choosing a cute outfit. It takes an hour for me to get ready."

And yet we keep being told that women do these things "for themselves"


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/6/2016 9:29 am:
Two things:

1) We do it "for ourselves" in that it's putting on the armor that makes us feel more strong and confident. When I walk out the door to walk my dog and haven't put on clothes I like, I feel less comfortable meeting ANYONE.

2) We do it even more for other women. Women view other women with a critical eye. I believe men are more forgiving.

pocogato12 69F  
36947 posts
6/6/2016 9:35 am

Been there, tried that- DO NOT give up. Keep being yourself and it will come to you

(Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/6/2016 1:02 pm:
Thank you, pocogato, for the words of encouragement.

TicklePlease 53F  
13688 posts
6/6/2016 12:01 pm

Getting defensive and argumentative is something that's better to find out about a guy on an abbreviated first date than it is after some more time has been invested. I agree with BEBBW, I met an online date once who I had to tell right off the bat that it wasn't going to happen and without saying another word the dude just got up and left! And left me with his tab!


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/6/2016 1:04 pm:
TicklePlease, I'd say that was an expense well worth it. As you say, it saved a lot of time and aggravation.

That's why I wish I'd said "Thank you for buying me a Margarita." However, I did shake hands before getting up to leave. And I did not say, "Let's agree to disagree" because I think he's an arrogant dickhole.

I've had my fill of those.

69bud69 67M
7115 posts
6/7/2016 5:28 am

Are some men taken back by your intelligence? I'm just wondering. I find your thoughts enlightening and thought provoking. Looking at issues from different sides can be intellectually enjoyable .
I find your recent dates condescending attitude a bit, ok, fucking offensive. I don't blame you for getting your fill early. This was a first date, not a debate on protectiveness and sexuality. To me, it sounds as though this guy was trying to blow his own horn.
As I read your post, I was getting upset at this guy too. Actually, I think you made the right move. There are people out there who understand the word respect and can hold an intelligent conversation without over inflating their own ego.

Just my own feelings. *S*

Bud

Always Ready for Fun.


69bud69 67M
7115 posts
6/7/2016 5:32 am

Are some men taken back by your intelligence? I'm just wondering. I find your thoughts enlightening and thought provoking. Looking at issues from different sides can be intellectually enjoyable .
I find your recent dates condescending attitude a bit, excuse me, fucking offensive. I don't blame you for getting your fill early. This was a first date, not a debate on protectiveness and sexuality. To me, it sounds as though this guy was trying to blow his own horn or puff out is over inflated ego. *S* That usually is an over compensation for under sized maleness. *LOL*
As I read your post, I was getting upset at this guy too. Actually, I think you made the right move. There are people out there who understand the word respect and can hold an intelligent conversation without over inflating their own self worth on the world.

Just my own feelings. *S*

Bud

Always Ready for Fun.


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/12/2016 9:16 pm:
You may be right, Bud.

You and I may be wrong. But you've helped me decide that I'll offer him the opportunity to write his version of the "facts" since he's also a writer.

Not_here2meet 53F
3843 posts
6/7/2016 6:37 am

As a fellow poly babe, I can tell you I take breaks from meeting people all the time. Please, don't give up. There's someone out there.

I'm with BEBBW and Tickle. I know I've personally stayed and talked with a man after I'd ruled him out as a possible partner...because manners.

Live life to it's fullest!

If you're bored, Read
Hugs
Gypsy


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/12/2016 9:21 pm:
Yeah, damn our mothers for teaching us to be so fucking polite.

And obsequious with men!

69bud69 67M
7115 posts
6/8/2016 1:49 pm

I don't know why it posted twice, but that's AdultFriendFinder I suppose.

Bud

Always Ready for Fun.


sailorboy603 57M
122 posts
6/9/2016 8:16 am

Crappy dates suck. Some thoughts:

- Go with your gut. If you're not feeling it when you sit down, it's unlikely to improve.

- When the two of you are interrupting and challenging each other, it's clearly time to walk away. Both of you should have recognized it.

- Why invest so much energy in thinking about how poorly he was dressed, how self-centered he was, etc? He wasn't a fit. It's in the past. Move on. You can't recover the time you spent on the date, but you can control how you spend your time and energy going forward.

I suspect part of the reason for the strong reaction is the level of anticipation going in. That's hard to control (and also part of the fun of dating), but I try to keep expectations low going in so that any surprise is a pleasant one on the up side.

Don't give up!


bipolybabe69 replies on 6/12/2016 9:15 pm:
Hey! The good part is...I did what you said in the beginning. I cut it short.

What you're getting is that I spent a while afterward trying to figure out why it sucked.

That post-game analysis may seem a waste of time, but I'm trying to sort faster so that I can find the ones who genuinely appreciate me. And it's discouraging when I run into the ones who don't.

lyavu 48F
1535 posts
6/19/2016 12:32 pm

I became single by choice. Am allergic to relationships. I would tell u. Be optimistic and just go with the flow on a date. We set expectations and end up missing out on someone good. Have an open mind always.


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