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While I was Dreaming
Welcome to The Dreamery. There have been a few changes, but my blog is still simply a random series of Thoughts and fantasies, examining my past and my impossible future. Nothing on this blog is a lie. When I say nothing that follows is made up you can be sure it is the truth. Even the dreams are real dreams that I have had . And all the fantasies are my real fantasies.

There are however some questions which may never be answered:
Is it possible to actually laugh your arse off?
How sick is a parrot?
Are sandboys truly happy?
And just how mad is a box of frogs anyway?

And mostly, I do have it all in perspective!
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I want to be what you need
Posted:Jul 26, 2016 2:57 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2016 3:43 pm

It's the thought of it that turns me on.

I think many of the people who blog here have the same thing in mind. Yes some are looking for a lifetime partner, and others, at the other end of the scale, are looking for a one night stand.

But the people I am drawn to, and, I think, many of the people who seem to like reading my blog, have something somewhere in between in mind. Someone who understands the transient, on / off nature of our needs. Someone who doesn't want a one off, but isn't looking for someone who needs 24 hour attention either. Someone who just instinctively understands what we need. And knows how to tell us what they need too. Someone who might still feel the same way a year from now even if we haven't communicated much since then.

Where it's all about the sex, the giving in to desire, the dirty magic, the skankery.........and yet there is a softness, an understanding - we kind of love each other too.

Someone to share the hopes and fears with, but someone who knows how to get us throbbing with desire, and wants to do that, for us. Sometimes I feel like I really want to do that for you.

I haven't been feeling sexy recently. But then someone here reminded me of what I liked about her in the first place, and I remembered what it feels like. I started thinking......what if........she wouldn't make things difficult would she.....? Maybe if we could just talk..........?
It's Not You, It's Me
Posted:Jul 4, 2016 3:18 am
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2016 11:08 pm

I had a dream over the weekend......something about a girl asking me for my opinion on a poem she had written, which I gave her (there were details but I forget them now ) and then it turned out she wanted to have sex. I think it was a good dream, and I was going to write it up as a story for this page, but perhaps my heart wasn't in it, I don't know, but it is gone now, and the opportunity is lost.

A while ago I wrote something which, although it wasn't meant to, sounded like I was saying goodbye, and The Girl Who Read Everything thought it might be going to be my last post. But it wasn't meant that way, and we had a discussion about what I would, or might write, if ever I decided I wasn't going to visit these blogs any more.

I have been tempted to start a blog with those words a few times lately.

But I am not going to, because if I ever do write the words I told her I would for saying goodbye, I would have to really mean I wasn't likely to be back. And I like coming back here, so I don't want to stop. Once upon a time I used to find this was a place I could play a game of being this Dreamer, a person who really is totally based on the real me, but who here, in this kind of half-world, could come out and be completely himself too.

The trouble is, at least in part, that these days I can never really think of anything I want to say. I come to read the couple of newish blogs I like to follow, and to see if anyone else I have been following for a long time has written anything, (which they usually haven't ) and that's about it.

Although I have often read blogs which say "the site isn't how it used to be, " usually I think they are missing the real point. The rules, and even the atmosphere of the site may change, but usually the real truth more closely is "we are not how we used to be." I no longer find I want to spend the time looking at new blogs, hoping I will find someone sexy or interesting or both to follow. So it isn't surprising I have very few new ones which I am following. Neither is it surprising that those of you I have been following for a long time write a lot less these days - probably we are all running out of the kind of things we would come here to write about, or worse still, the desire to write about them.

It matters to me to write either interesting, amusing, philosophical or sexy blogs which will actually catch people's interest and generate some comments or discussion. And it depresses me that my head is no longer full of those ideas. It comes and goes I know, but it has been gone for quite a while now. And after having nearly got myself in a mess a few times, I wonder if deep down, I have been avoiding looking too closely for what I might call a muse, for want of a better word, here, or anywhere else for that matter, for fear of getting too involved, and the difficulties that can involve.

It can not be a coincidence that whenever I have a dream about someone who loves me, or who I find sexy, they are always of the "willing gift" type - someone who totally understands what makes me me, what I need and desire, and wants to give themselves to me either sexually or emotionally, but doesn't need anything in return. Who doesn't want to alter my life, but just wants to be an additional part in it, on whatever terms suit me, for a moment, now and then. In real life I think I am pretty much incapable of being that selfish. That's something I am glad about. But it also pretty much rules out me being anything other than a one-woman-and-total-commitment man, other than in my dreams, unless I want to give myself a lot of stress.

And yet............

Sometimes, just when I think I understand myself, maybe I don't understand myself at all. Or maybe I just can't find a way to accept what it is that I understand.
Summer Love Soundtrack
Posted:Jun 23, 2016 2:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2016 10:29 am

Most summers I hear a song which I reckon might well become the equivalent of my "Summer Breeze" for today's generation of sexy music loving young, and sometimes not so young people.

The song which will evoke memories of long days with a new lover walking in the long grass in the park, happy evenings spent watching the sun go down over a beer or a glass of wine with friends, of driving through dew-wet corn fields in the dawn half light the morning after a party, hands in the air and the anticipation of sex in the nightclubs.

A couple of years ago I think we all agreed it was "Up all Night to get Lucky."

This year I think it might be "This Girl" by Kungs Vs Cookin' on Three Burners. (What a name for a band by the way.) It's a kind of disco-retro-but-modern track with a jazz/rave nineties feel, but bang up to date at the same time. Plus it's the kind of sounds-complicated-but-simple riff I can play on the guitar and sound like a professional, which always makes me feel good. Check it.

As I write this, my all time favourite dance track, "Everybody Dance" by Chic comes on the radio, followed by Beyoncé, "Crazy in Love," proper original radio version with Jay-Z rapping. Heaven. I think they must be having an iconic end of school summer party song in celebration of Glastonbury festival or something.

Peace , Love and Sex everyone, forget work for the day I'm having a party.

Dreamer Out.
Massive Ejaculation
Posted:Jun 14, 2016 3:29 am
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2016 2:15 pm

It must have been some kind of air pocket, combined with a hot humid day.

I went into the bathroom, gave it a quick squeeze and bam, there was a sort of popping noise and half the contents shot out into the bath, a jet of at least forty inches! There was no point in trying to get any of it back in through the nozzle, so I just washed it away down the plug hole and cleaned my teeth with what was left in the tube.

Yes, the toothpaste. Same thing happened to me once with liquid soap from the pump dispenser in the kitchen as you may remember, although in that case it went straight into the frying pan, looking even more cum like. And obviously I didn't try to clean my teeth with it.

These things are sent to try to make me feel inadequate I am sure. Which I don't, thankfully. Although I have to admit the ability of the highly skilled, professionally trained pornographic filmmaker leaves me astounded sometimes. Mount Dreamer has never managed to erupt in quite such a spectacular fashion. Although now I think about it there was that one time when after a particularly long and erotic................no, I will leave that to the imagination.
Riding my Time Machine, Watching HeyKelsey Sing
Posted:May 20, 2016 6:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2016 3:11 am

Marsha wrote about a Penn State women's softball player she was lusting after ("eye damaging hip action" ) and, sucker that I am for athletic women, I couldn't resist going to have a look at a video of her on the Tube.

Slightly disappointing though, because the videos of her in action are three or four years old, and to be honest, she was too young in them, even for me. (That's saying something. ) But there was also an interview with her from last year, looking more like a grown woman.

It reminded me to write about something which has been catching my attention recently. Some time ago I discovered a singer who calls herself HeyKelsey. She has a quirky style and a pretty, unusual voice, and her simple guitar and voice songs - some original, some covers - are often recorded outside, where you can hear chickens, birds and sometimes other wildlife in the background.

She started recording them as a , and has posted on and off for over eight years and is now in her twenties. Watching these videos is like having a time machine and watching her grow up. Apart from enjoying the music, I find this fascinating. I never did have any , but if I had, I would like to have had a who could sing like Kelsey. My current favourites are "The Boy I love," and a cover of a song called "Love and Some Verses."

Of course there are traps here. One is that actually I don’t know her at all, and it would be easy to become fixated on someone like this – it can be done here on this site too, although here we interact with each other, and so I hope we have a more real connection, sometimes at least.
Then there is also the danger, more from Kelsey’s point of view, of attracting stalkerish attention of completely the wrong kind. And although I am not doing that, there is of course the chance that people would misunderstand me and think that I was, finding this creepy.

These videos are so much more intimate than the old fashioned music video we are all used to watching. So another danger is that we imprint our vision of the person over reality and begin living in a fantasy world. I love to watch her sing, but I admit, I do feel as if she is singing directly to me, when I know she is not. She reminds me of a girl I knew when I was nineteen. Perhaps it is not just Kelsey I am really watching?
I hope I am immune to all this, and if I am, it is partly thanks to this place. I have learnt so much about myself, and about how people interact on line, from people I have written to or talked to from this site.

Most of the videos are recorded on land which is presumably her home. A pet or chickens walk behind the camera, the chickens sometimes do backing vocals and make her smile. There is a lake, sometimes surrounded by green leaved trees in summer, sometimes bare and frozen in winter. You see the seasons change as you see the changes in her life. The song choices in themselves tell a story. It reminds me of the sweet melancholy feeling I always used to get from reading “The Time Traveller’s Wife,” (the book I am hiding behind in my picture, ) in which a guy dips in and out of the life of the woman he loves at all ages in her life.

It makes me sad that computer files were not around when I was nineteen and wanted to be a song writer. It inspires me to make simpler recordings of my songs and put them up on line right now, if it is not too late. Maybe it is too late.

I wish I could have had more than one life. (Have I written about that before, lol? )
The Kind of Girl I want to Date
Posted:May 16, 2016 4:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2016 3:11 am

The kind of girls I think I want to date – Bubbly, outgoing, obviously sexy, uninhibited, good with people, skanky but with class;

The kind of girls I wish fell in love with – Kind, giving, sensuous, quietly thoughtful, strong but not too self-assured , admiring, admonishing but quick to forgive, unexpectedly erotic when aroused;

The kind of girls I tend to fall in love with – Dark, quiet, outgoing but introspective, hard on themselves, insecure but not too needy, full of unrealised promise.

(I have always thought that someone somewhere must be a mixture of all three……)

The kind of girls who fall in love with me – I have absolutely no idea, but thankfully they do sometimes.

(Once again this isn't the post I thought I was going to write, but I got side tracked! )
Summer Breeze 3
Posted:May 12, 2016 10:24 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2016 8:52 am

This isn’t the post I was going to write, but don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till you write it. Don’t you think? I mean I really do think. Except I had a different kind of post in my head even after I started writing this, but then I kind of wandered off. But anyway, here is what I wrote:

Summer Breeze Three.

For the full effect you need to read this listening to the following sound track: “Summer Breeze,” obviously, - Iseley Brothers version please, followed by either “Summer Day” by Sheryl Crow, or “I was a Fool to Love you" by Nao, (which, it seems to me, is almost the same song in terms of the tune by the way although from a different viewpoint lyrically, ) or both. Or just listen to anything by HeyKelsey. I recommend "The Boy I love," or "What the Fuck was I Thinking."

I have used this title twice before - the first time, Summer Breeze it was about Lizzy and growing up in Oxford. I read it again just now as I was checking how many times before I had used the title, lol, and though I say so myself it is a lovely memory and one of my best posts. The second time it was about how I heard the song on the radio while I was driving to a music festival.

This time I was reminded of perfect kisses and lying back in the long grass of summer meadows and my mind drifted into a daydream. I was going to write a fantasy post about walking along a riverside meadow with someone, thinking we were just hanging out, but gradually getting closer until it was obvious we were going to kiss, and that amazing butterfly-inside- moment when your eyes meet in that special way.

I thought about how being close to someone in the warmth of a summer evening can make you feel as if just for that moment the two of you are perfectly in tune and nothing else matters. Like that love-on-the-beach scene in Play Misty For Me, the cliché part in so many other films where the plot is interrupted by a montage of lovers going to the zoo, or buying candyfloss at the fairground or whatever. The thing is, when you get lost in someone for the first time it really feels like that doesn’t it? That’s why film makers and songwriters down the years have tried to convey the feeling, because we all know it, however it has manifested itself to us in the past.

Or I hope we know it. If this is something you have never felt, I am sorry, do not give up hope, it is magical.

Anyway, before I wrote my new post, I just had to read the old one, and suddenly I didn’t think I could say it any better, so, for those who can’t be bothered to follow the link, it went like this:

I'm radio-headed again today. My favourite radio station seems to be playing a lot of seventies music these days, which I must say I love.

I sit here trying to work. With the radio off it feels too quiet and lonely. But with it on, sometimes great music takes me back to times and places in my past. (Don't get me started down memory lane - I'm not sure if I can make it back, as Leila reminds us Groucho was fond of saying.)

Those Iseley Brothers lyrics look pretty meaningless on their own. But add in the tune and that great guitar sound, and suddenly I am back in the Parks in Oxford, over by the river where you can lie like big cats in the tall grass and watch the punts pole by, carrying pretentious students who don't know you are there.

An hour earlier.....It is 1977, four thirty on a weekday afternoon. I am sitting at my desk (trying to work, lol ) when one of the scruffy fourteen year olds I am loosely keeping charge of shouts at me from the next room; "Oi Dreamer, your girlfriend's here!"

I go to the window, and see Lizzy looking up at me from the street below. She has walked by the House on her way home from school and she looks like love and sex in one gorgeous package. The fourteen year olds are so in love with her that they do whatever I ask them without complaint just to keep in my good books. She is wearing her tight fitting FU's jeans and a big white business shirt of her father's - her usual school uniform. Her hair is wavy strawberry blond and she looks a little bit like a young Lauren Bacall.

I run down the stone stairway and out of the big oak door and we amble arm in arm over the bridge and down the High Street before turning right into Longwall Street. The afternoon sun is still hot but her skin feels soft and cool under my hand and she makes me feel like I know everything there is to know about living and being in love.

We walk into the Parks and lie down in the long grass, and "summer breeze" always reminds me so strongly of those days; the smell of the earth and the glimpse of her breast between the buttons.

But literally as I am writing this now, Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" comes on the radio. (I know it's all about heroin, but I didn't know that at the time. ) It was one of my favourite songs then. I didn't understand the sadness in it, but I felt it had something to do with a perfect day that wouldn't last forever and would never come again. Maybe that's how we felt, lying there in the grass and watching people go by, kissing, knowing we would sneak back later when her parents had gone out and make love in her attic bedroom. School would be over in a month and then what? Would our lives change for ever? What would we both be doing when we were forty?

I am brought back to the present by the DJ who says,
"Maria Carey followed by the Police - that's not a news item, that's just the running order," and makes me laugh.

Back to work I guess, longing for those carefree summer days again.

Just a Quickie
Posted:Apr 19, 2016 11:30 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2016 9:15 am

No time to blog - work work work this week, then on holiday next week, see you when I get back!
I am Steaming, but at least the frogs had sex!
Posted:Apr 12, 2016 11:11 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2016 4:09 am

I am seriously angry. Well, I was. Actually I have calmed down a little bit now. And I didn't lose my temper, which I am proud of, although I did obliquely threaten to make a few possible complaints about professional misconduct.

I obviously can't give details here (or anywhere else for that matter) but I have been completely shafted over a deal in a very un-professional matter by a member of a very long established and reputable firm who should have know and acted better. There may or may not be anything I can do about it.......but it made me extremely angry, in a calm, professional manner, as you can imagine.

On the other hand, here, I can confidently say YOU TOTAL FUCKING ARSEHOLE-FACED BASTARD, and know I can get away with it.

Meanwhile, on the other hand, the wonders of nature continue to enthral me. First there was the incident with The Rainbow, which I will blog about another time. But today the sun shone all day. The showers of yesterday have dispersed and the frogspawn in my pond, which until last week was nothing but a mass of little black dots in hundreds of bubbles of clear jelly eggs, have become recognisably tiny tadpole shaped specks waiting to hatch.

Two years ago I had a frog, living in a half buried bucket in my garden. Last year, I wanted to tidy up the bucket, and when I cleared a pile of old wood cuttings I found frogs jumping everywhere all around my feet, so I decided to build a pond for them as a home. Last spring I had at least four large friendly frogs and a couple of smaller ones living in and around the pond, but no spawn came.

Now, although I didn't see it happen, my frogs must have had a bit of a swingers party. I have a new generation waiting to come to life.

I'd rather have that, and no deal, than a big fee and no frogs.

(And don't worry Zandi - British frogs are mainly carnivorous, eating insects slugs and worms, so they are good in the garden and won't disturb any tender young plants! )
Here's What Happened
Posted:Apr 5, 2016 3:06 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2016 4:10 am

I'm think that would be a good title for a new blog actually now I have written it. But I'm not one for change really am I so I think "While I was Dreaming" will do for now.

But that wasn't what clicked on "Add a Post" for.

Also, I was going to mention that I found a rather sweet voiced singer trawling about on the tube this morning, wasting time before starting work (which is what I am still doing now) who described herself as an avid dreamer, lone wolf, curious creature and freelance philosopher. All ways I could describe myself really, except she seemed nothing at all like me, partly by virtue of being young and pretty of course. Plus although I like doing things for myself, I wouldn't like to describe myself as a loner, and certainly not a wolf!

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes.....Here's What Happened. Just a small thing really. I logged on to see if someone had replied to my email. They hadn't. Or if there were any new comments on my last post. There weren't. Or if anyone had responded to any comments I had made. No, but fair enough really as I hadn't made any new comments myself for them to respond to. No new blogs from bloggers I follow either.

"Oh my GOD I am so bored with this" I thought to myself.
Imagine my surprise when Myself thought back, "yes, but you know it is your own fault - when you first blogged you were always chasing round finding new interesting people to write with."
"Okay" said the other me. "I will go to newly created posts, find the most interesting looking title and go and comment."

So I found one: "Things I am too old for."

"Okay," Myself said, "that sounds fun, just the sort of quirky, silly, but half serious clever tongue in cheek post I would enjoy reading. It sounds like the sort of post Rose might have written."

I imagined it would be things like: "I am too old for getting up for lunch on Sunday morning and finding that the half empty bottle of cheap red wine left over from last night's party tastes better after it has been breathing for 24 hours."

Or, "I am too old for crop-tops and leg-warmers. Or a boob tube."
"I am too old for Megan Trainor."
"I am too old for 'And she was like get out, and I was like no way'!"
"I am too old to be bothered what people think about me blogging on AdultFriendFinder "
"I am too old for suddenly deciding to take a few days off and driving down to Cornwall to see my surfer friend friend Starburst and getting off with her younger sister after a weird evening drinking Scrumpy Jack at the local pub." .................No, wait, that's something Me Myself and I am too old for, so that wouldn't have been in the blog. I could have commented with that. And of course someone would have commented "You are never too old for anything, just go for it."

All this flew through my imagination in the time it takes to click on a link. What great fun it was going to be.

But no. It was a stupid rant about how she was no longer willing to put up with men treating her badly. Oh heavens if I read one more men-are-so-useless-and-controlling blog I am going to throw my computer out of the window, leave home and go and live in the forest and set up shop as a full-time spoon whittler.

YES I KNOW SOME MEN ARE BASTARDS. But I can't help noticing that the women who complain most about this kind of treatment seem to me to be the least likely sort of people to attract a more sensitive kind of man who maybe might not treat them so badly! And the thing is, what comes across clearly to me from the seemingly endless supply of these posts, is that the people who write them actually don't really like men that much! They don't like men who are how men are, they just think they would like a man who was how they want a man to be. And even then they probably wouldn't once they got to know him. What a surprise that they keep attracting the kind who don't really like women either!

I'm not going to mention the names of the women I know here who love men with all their faults, but you know who you are. And I know you have your fair share of not being treated well! But you don't half have some good times with them too, lol. And it isn't exclusive to men, as you know. Women can be [insert a word I might get the post denied for using here] too.

Oh well, rant over. It doesn't apply to any of you who are reading anyway. And at least it gave me something to write about.

Now I can go back to being bored. Once I have finished some work. Or listened to a few more Heykelsey songs. And had another cup of tea.
What if it takes you two hours to cum?
Posted:Mar 30, 2016 10:18 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2016 3:29 am

I saw a dubious advert the other day. Yes, on one of my rare forays into the world of on line pornography, I admit it.

It said "One pill and my husband can't cum for two hours." It then goes on to explain how a man having taken this pill could fuck constantly for two hours before being able to orgasm.

Leaving aside the fact that perhaps this advert was aimed at wannabe male porn stars, I have queries about this.

Of course I know the heritage of these pharmaceuticals is probably dubious at best, and I am not looking for views on whether or not they might be good for your health. And before anyone misunderstands, I am not asking for advice as to whether I should try taking one or not, lol.

But that does bring me to my first query: Why on earth would I want to fuck for two hours and not be able to come? I fully understand that the ability, through self control, plenty of foreplay, innovative techniques etc., to make lovemaking last for hours is very desirable and I have been known to indulge in pretty long sessions at times. But two hours solid fucking I can not do, and wouldn't want to, medically assisted or not.

What I want to know, honestly, is would you, if you were my lover? Would you want that? Wouldn't that get boring, having a guy just hammering away for hours without being able to get off? Or is that actually an attractive fantasy - multiple orgasms and endlessly fucked till you can hardly walk the next day?

Maybe when I was twenty my back might have been up to it I suppose. I can't remember. I certainly wouldn't be now. Unless I was underneath of course.

I am normally a slow and sensuous kind of guy anyway, so I am probably not the best judge of this. Even now I still have a relatively quick recovery interval (though sadly not in the class it used to be, lol ) and I quite like it if I can be close to the edge a lot of the time, especially the first time. If we both are then all the better.

I don't think I would ever be tempted by Viagra, even if I needed it, but I can understand the principle. If you don't get as hard as you'd like any more, or not at all, then it must be a great help. I vaguely remember hearing something about "delay spray" when I was younger, and wondering if it might be a good idea. Then I learned how to interpret and be considerate of a woman's reactions and how not to want to dive straight in and get to the end as quickly as possible, and suddenly it didn't seem necessary at all any more. And I have never been with a woman who didn't absolutely love the feeling that she could get me off pretty much whenever she wanted to, if she wanted to.

So am I missing something here, or is it just one of those really stupid ads?
What you REALLY Want
Posted:Mar 16, 2016 4:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2016 3:18 am

Sometimes I find myself questioning what it is I really want, and if I can actually work that out, whether what I want is something I can decide to let myself have!

I find it strange that whilst we all understand how this works with things other than sex - I want to stay in bed but I know I have to go to work, I want to have that last piece of cake but I am trying to lose weight, I want to punch that stupid guy in the face but I live in a world which frowns on that kind of thing, and I want to be civilised - when it comes to sex, we start thinking differently.

We have rebelled against an age which outlawed unrestricted sexual freedom, but in doing so, have we convinced ourselves that it is always okay to have whatever you want in sexual terms? That provided no one else is harmed we can do what we like? Because I am not sure how well that idea works in practice.

A recurring theme I find on these blogs is the search.........on this site remember.....for a potentially long term partner who "loves me for who I really am." At first glance this may seem unrealistic. Okay, here on the blogs we treat each other somewhat differently, but for the main part, the site sells itself as somewhere you can search for someone to have sex with. Not necessarily anything else, just the sex. I know there are acceptable and crass ways of going about this, but essentially, that is the sites unique (or nowadays not quite so unique) selling point.

Of course because in theory at least, there is no judgment here, it ought to be easier to present the real you to the world. And however dark you think you may be, someone might like it. Then, maybe you can have what you really want, if you dare.

I started looking at this site out of pure curiosity about ten years ago. Partly it filled a gap in my sex life, but partly, I was fascinated by the idea of women who have something of an addiction to sex, and would actively come here to search for it. I suppose in some way, I saw myself as a guy who deep down wanted to be a ruthless slutfucker, except I didn't want to be that guy, I want to be likeable, and I need to love, to commit and to keep things stable and secure. If I knew that lifestyle wouldn't work for me, might there be women who knew it wouldn't work for them either, but who wanted a man who had that inside him, but could keep it under control, who would let it out only for them, because they understood him, and they valued that darkness, as long as it didn't run riot and ruin everything?

I can remember the exact words which lead me here,

"Sirenity, a good girl gone bad." There was a picture of a pretty faced girl. I liked the play on words of her name, Sirenity - a cross between a dangerous siren and something gentle and serene. I suppose, knowing what I do now, she probably was not some well educated creative wordsmith with a secret desire to get properly fucked by a curious dreamer. She was probably much more likely something fictional invented to keep guys signing up. But who knows. She reminded me of a girlfriend I once had, and would like to have again. (I tried "Curious Dreamer" as a user name by the way, but the site wouldn't have it. )

But the point is what would I have done with her if she had been real? It makes me question, first, what is it I REALLY want, and then, if I was able to properly answer that question, ought I let myself have it?

Because I think what I really want is best described by those lines from the song "One of these Nights" by the Eagles: "You've got your demons, you got desires, well I got a few of my own. Ooooo someone to be kind to, in between the dark and the light. I've been searching for the of the devil himself, I've been searching for an angel in white, I've been waiting for a woman who's a little of both and I can feel her but she's nowhere in sight."

(Are you reading this Jo, Deme, and the other one whose name I can't remember right now.......? Do you remember? "Why can't I be both?")

But the thing is, if I whenever I find someone like that, I realise this is something I ought not to allow myself to have. It's like the cake and the staying in bed. It feels good, but it isn't good for you. In my imagination, this wild but homely woman loves me so much that she only wants to be with me, and because she is so free and tame both at the same time, because she would happily let me have another lover if I wanted one, I never want one.

But you can't just have this just once in a while like the other treats in life, like the cake and the staying in bed, because the desperate intensity of falling in love with this person, this ideal who gets you for who you really are, is like a drug addiction, something you can never get out of your system. I want it. But if I let myself have it, I know everything else I love about my life would fall crashing down in pieces.

I know this because I did it once. I can't regret it, but I don't think I really want to do it again. It isn't that I am scared of being hurt. It isn't that I am ever scared to show my true feelings. Maybe it is more that I am aware of what I would be willing to do.

Is there a safe way? Is that what we are all really looking for? And maybe the older you get, the more you realise it isn't ever going to be safe. So perhaps it takes someone absolutely amazingly perfect to make you want to take the risk.
I'm Still Here
Posted:Mar 15, 2016 6:04 am
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2016 3:06 am

Just a hello really to apologise for not being in touch, or writing anything interesting or sexy recently.

The disappearing comments thing put me off a bit perhaps, plus I was concentrating on other things in the world.

But I still want to hear from everyone - what have you all been doing? None of you is writing much so I have nothing to inspire me.

After reading this, leave a provocative comment, write more blogs, (in the hope I can read them, ) be entertaining! I promise I will be back with something myself soon.....

Love, Dreamer.

To link to this blog (hotdreamer1000) use [blog hotdreamer1000] in your messages.

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