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Dreamer's Hidden Thoughts  

hotdreamer1000 62M
9639 posts
8/9/2021 3:17 pm

Last Read:
8/17/2021 10:05 am

Dreamer's Hidden Thoughts


I have been wanting to write a particular blog post for a while. There is something in my head, or in my heart maybe, that wants to be expressed. But I can't find the words. I honestly can't think of how to explain this to myself, let alone to anyone else. That is unusual for me. On another blog someone asked me how I had changed since I first discovered this site, and it triggered a thought process which almost brought clarity to the surface but I couldn't quite grasp it. Like, you know, when you are trying to remember the answer to a quiz question or a crossword clue, and you know you know it, but you can't dredge it up.

I realised that I have learned a lot, and I have grown and changed, And yet I still have the same image in my head that brought me here all those years ago. For a long time it had receded to the extent that I fooled myself into thinking it had gone.

But now I find myself thinking that maybe I am closer to repeating a past mistake than I have been for a while, and I want to find a better way to deal with that feeling this time. I don't simply want to rely on the fact that getting the chance to make the same mistake is unlikely, (which I have certainly done in the past.)

I know I am not being very clear. It isn't just that I don't have a clear explanation. It is that I also don't want to spell it out, even to myself.

Then there are the dreams. I am getting glimpses, but they are hard to remember, harder still to put into words. There is an instant connection. She knows, somehow literally knows what is in my head. She knows we want the same things. There is no wondering how it will be - there is only closeness and loving eyes and soft warm skin and understanding. It is almost as if I have some telepathic lover who can only reach me when I'm dreaming. I long to know her in real life. But there would be a price and this time it is a price I really don't want to pay. Somewhere a long long time ago on this blog I told another story which ended with those same words. "Because there is always a price."

hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/9/2021 3:18 pm

For the avoidance of the word glitch:

I have been wanting to write a particular blog post for a while. There is something in my head, or in my heart maybe, that wants to be expressed. But I can't find the words. I honestly can't think of how to explain this to myself, let alone to anyone else. That is unusual for me. On another blog someone asked me how I had changed since I first discovered this site, and it triggered a thought process which almost brought clarity to the surface but I couldn't quite grasp it. Like, you know, when you are trying to remember the answer to a quiz question or a crossword clue, and you know you know it, but you can't dredge it up.

I realised that I have learned a lot, and I have grown and changed, And yet I still have the same image in my head that brought me here all those years ago. For a long time it had receded to the extent that I fooled myself into thinking it had gone.

But now I find myself thinking that maybe I am closer to repeating a past mistake than I have been for a while, and I want to find a better way to deal with that feeling this time. I don't simply want to rely on the fact that getting the chance to make the same mistake is unlikely, (which I have certainly done in the past.)

I know I am not being very clear. It isn't just that I don't have a clear explanation. It is that I also don't want to spell it out, even to myself.

Then there are the dreams. I am getting glimpses, but they are hard to remember, harder still to put into words. There is an instant connection. She knows, somehow literally knows what is in my head. She knows we want the same things. There is no wondering how it will be - there is only closeness and loving eyes and soft warm skin and understanding. It is almost as if I have some telepathic lover who can only reach me when I'm dreaming. I long to know her in real life. But there would be a price and this time it is a price I really don't want to pay. Somewhere a long long time ago on this blog I told another story which ended with those same words. "Because there is always a price."


OldStandardDudeX 69M  
119 posts
8/9/2021 5:52 pm

Interesting post, for I have for years pondered my past relationships and tried to understand. I have come to think it was my doing, and yet I can't seem to pin down the specifics. But I do know I don't want to go there again....so how best do I avoid that? I want the "relationship" but don't want it to go the same route as it did in the past....but until I figure out where I can do better, and why, I suspect I will just drift along, seeking partners, finding partners, seeking partners, finding partners .....there is this vague understanding, and yet, I'm not quite getting it....and I really don't want to subject someone to my failings again.....


smartasswoman 64F  
35211 posts
8/9/2021 9:06 pm

Over on that other social networking site, this would be known a 'vaguebooking'.

It's OK though, oftentimes sitting down to write about something brings clarity, and I hope it did for you, if only a little bit.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/10/2021 2:24 am

    Quoting OldStandardDudeX:
    Interesting post, for I have for years pondered my past relationships and tried to understand. I have come to think it was my doing, and yet I can't seem to pin down the specifics. But I do know I don't want to go there again....so how best do I avoid that? I want the "relationship" but don't want it to go the same route as it did in the past....but until I figure out where I can do better, and why, I suspect I will just drift along, seeking partners, finding partners, seeking partners, finding partners .....there is this vague understanding, and yet, I'm not quite getting it....and I really don't want to subject someone to my failings again.....
Thanks Dude. Sometimes it is easy to recognise your mistakes, but not so easy to learn from them.

One thing I would say to you though, is try not to worry about your "failings." Everyone has them of some kind or another, and as you probably know, choosing a relationship partner is often about finding someone whose failings don't bother you. (Even though they might bother someone else.) Provided you at least try to be the best you can, it is okay to let your partner decide whether they can accept your faults or not!


hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/10/2021 2:24 am

    Quoting smartasswoman:
    Over on that other social networking site, this would be known a 'vaguebooking'.

    It's OK though, oftentimes sitting down to write about something brings clarity, and I hope it did for you, if only a little bit.
Is "vaguebooking" considered not the done thing?


zandigal 56F

8/10/2021 12:35 pm

There's a price if you do... and a bigger price if you don't. You never know what the future holds, Dreamy. One.Never.Knows.



Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit
~Rumi


..


hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/11/2021 2:20 am

    Quoting zandigal:
    There's a price if you do... and a bigger price if you don't. You never know what the future holds, Dreamy. One.Never.Knows.


Hi Zandi, it is good to see you!

Yes, that's a good point, there is a price either way for whatever we do. That's probably why I never do anything, lol.


hippiechick1967 57F
13154 posts
8/11/2021 11:28 am

Okay, I read it through twice and I still can't figure out what you're saying. But that's because you aren't really saying it, just hinting around about it. I feel like you're not available to chase after the dream girl with the instant connection...

Elevate me...


hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/12/2021 2:30 am

    Quoting hippiechick1967:
    Okay, I read it through twice and I still can't figure out what you're saying. But that's because you aren't really saying it, just hinting around about it. I feel like you're not available to chase after the dream girl with the instant connection...
I can't figure out what it is I'm not saying either Hip, lol. But thank you so much for trying to hear me.

It's not exactly not being available - it is more not wanting to be available, ("wanting" in italics if I could still make them work) and also wanting something which doesn't exist, but still knowing that I want what I can't have, and wondering if maybe I should look for it, even though I know it doesn't exist. Or would that just be stupid? I mean it is one thing to follow your dreams, and another to go on a fool's errand..............


BeccaLuvs 59F
20538 posts
8/17/2021 7:11 am

What's that saying hotdreamer - "damned if you do, damned if you don't"? Also don't like it when certain things evade me, and even when I can't think of a "Plan B", I always used to be able to! And, I'm getting off your subject a bit now, but something for sure, there is a longing, a need inside of you, and hopefully it will all become clear? (Adding a "Smiling face", cos can't use the "Smilely faces" here!)

..... And always 'hold onto all those sexy thoughts'!
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hotdreamer1000 62M
12244 posts
8/17/2021 10:05 am

    Quoting BeccaLuvs:
    What's that saying hotdreamer - "damned if you do, damned if you don't"? Also don't like it when certain things evade me, and even when I can't think of a "Plan B", I always used to be able to! And, I'm getting off your subject a bit now, but something for sure, there is a longing, a need inside of you, and hopefully it will all become clear? (Adding a "Smiling face", cos can't use the "Smilely faces" here!)
You are making me laugh with your frustration over the smiley faces Becca! It's the italics, or rather the fact that it won't work for single words any more that gets to me, lol.

Anyway, yes, there is a longing, although to be fair I have always felt like that, even before I really had anything to be longing for, lol. And yes, a dammed whether I do or not, in that any of my available choices involve both things that I want and things I don't want to happen.


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