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Fuck Buddy - Miracle or Myth?  

hotdreamer1000 60M
9102 posts
11/17/2016 4:01 am

Last Read:
1/24/2017 2:46 pm

Fuck Buddy - Miracle or Myth?


I had another post planned, but a good blogging friend had a post which touched on the allure of the fuck buddy, and after posting my comment I found myself once more thinking about this long standing question. (I was going to say conumdrum, but then I found I didn't like that word, and I wasn't sure if I could spell it either. )

How often does the arrangement - whether expressly agreed, or naturally occurring - of Fuck Buddyship actually happen, and/or work satisfactorily?

Have you ever had one that worked?

The words "that worked for both sides" must I think be added here, because many men, and particularly women, will have experienced the gradually gut-sapping condition of feeling that they are really just a fuck buddy to someone with whom they would like to have a more conventional relationship. You put up with it because you like the sex, you like being with them, and you hope maybe it will change. But actually, it isn't going to change, because the reason you put up with it is because you love them, (or think you could ) and the reason they keep it like it is, is because they don't.

I have a good friend who has lived most of his adult life moving from one fuck buddy to the next, and mostly it works for him, but the reverse side of this is that even though he is always very open about what he wants, it hasn't really ever worked very well for the women who have agreed to it with him. I know a few of them, and mostly they end up feeling a bit used. I never want to do that to anyone. (He doesn't either to be fair to him either, and his girl friends do keep on agreeing to it! ) The truth is that generally, though perhaps not always, although they accept it when he says that he doesn't want a committed relationship, secretly they think he will change. He hasn't yet.

But it remains an attractive concept for some reason. Perhaps firstly because to be a fuck buddy, someone has to really get you sexually or it wouldn't happen.

And for me at least, unless there was some close affection and understanding, I don't think I would be interested in keeping it going. I couldn't just do it for sex, or at least not for very long.

I often have dreams of having a really good quality fuck buddy. I had a dream not that long ago about meeting four AdultFriendFinder bloggers at a party and one turned out to be my fuck buddy. I was going to write it as a post, but time moved on and I never bothered.....you know how it goes.... And for many years I have had dreams in which one particular fuck buddy girl turns up at intervals and totally understands what I am all about.

I suppose I did once have something like an FB relationship with an ex, a long time ago, and it worked really well for a while, but then I guess we both moved on. The only other time I thought I had one it turned into an all encompassing full on life-changing affair. Amazingly worth it, but it ended in sadness all round.

And this is where I always find I end up when I ponder this subject: I think if ever I meet a woman who strikes me as FB material, and I like her, and she wants to have a sexual relationship with me, then I would probably fall in love with her. It has happened before.

sexysixties2 72F  
38886 posts
11/17/2016 1:13 pm

I was someone's fuck buddy for a few years....then I realised that I was being used and he had no respect for me....he was a liar and eventually I knew that the situation wasn't what I needed. I think it's very difficult to make it work.

"Age does not protect you from love, but love, to some extent, protects you from age."

~~Anais Nin~~


MyNameIsKay 58F  
11808 posts
11/20/2016 10:33 pm

I've had the same FWB for almost 5 years now. Wow...5 years! I know he's not a match for me, so there's no danger of it becoming more than it is, and he's not interested in anything beyond the sex as well. I don't like calling him a fuck buddy because the term is kind of crude and I think it negates the fact that we do care about each other in some way.

The problem comes in where life changed about 2 years ago, and we aren't able to see each other very often anymore. That kind of sucks. And I want more now...not from him...but I seek to find someone that can give me the whole deal. Not having much luck with that I'm afraid. Maybe had we been able to see each other as often as in the beginning, it would have ended by now...

Swim...Bike...Done


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/21/2016 3:26 am

    Quoting MyNameIsKay:
    I've had the same FWB for almost 5 years now. Wow...5 years! I know he's not a match for me, so there's no danger of it becoming more than it is, and he's not interested in anything beyond the sex as well. I don't like calling him a fuck buddy because the term is kind of crude and I think it negates the fact that we do care about each other in some way.

    The problem comes in where life changed about 2 years ago, and we aren't able to see each other very often anymore. That kind of sucks. And I want more now...not from him...but I seek to find someone that can give me the whole deal. Not having much luck with that I'm afraid. Maybe had we been able to see each other as often as in the beginning, it would have ended by now...
I agree, it is a crude term and I wish I had used FWB instead.

I often wonder about "the whole deal." Because fantastic though that is, or would be if we could ever find it, actually I'm not sure it really happens that much.

If you find someone you love, and can live with, and want to have sex with, then that's pretty good I think, and if there is anything about you that they don't get - like say watching the ball game, or your sense of humour, or why you prefer Donald to Hilary (or vice versa, ) - then I reckon you just have to be adult about it and agree have different views and to do some things separately. It doesn't mean you can't love each other.

It can be a bit of a problem when the thing they don't get about you is the sex part though.......lol....... Well, kind of smiling wryly, if not actually lol.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/21/2016 3:29 am

    Quoting rainbowsox:
    We all have "needs", so if we find someone with the same need, and wanting it to be just about that need, then we do not see anything wrong with that. The key is that both parties must be on the same page, and if the page should happen to turn, be open with those feelings even if that risks a destruction of the relationship.

    Love,
    -E' and -H'

Yes, absolutely.

My problem is that I think deep down my main need is to be understood, and when you are close to someone who understands you in nearly every way expect the one way you are not normally allowed to get from someone outside the relationship, (a relationship you really don't want to see destroyed, lol ) then some of the time it is a right pain in the neck!


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/21/2016 3:31 am

    Quoting sexysixties2:
    I was someone's fuck buddy for a few years....then I realised that I was being used and he had no respect for me....he was a liar and eventually I knew that the situation wasn't what I needed. I think it's very difficult to make it work.
Yes, I'm sorry to hear that sexysixties, that's the bad side of the arrangement, and I think it must be really quite dispiriting.


author51 57F  
94580 posts
11/22/2016 2:17 am

I had an 8 month FWB relationship with a man from here and that is all either of us wanted.I do not want a committed relationship even now although I only search for one lover.He was no looking for any ties either.It was fun, we got along great and the sexual chemistry was wonderful.He moved away.If he had not we would have kept it going.It can be done..

One can never have enough JOY in their life...


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/22/2016 2:47 am

    Quoting author51:
    I had an 8 month FWB relationship with a man from here and that is all either of us wanted.I do not want a committed relationship even now although I only search for one lover.He was no looking for any ties either.It was fun, we got along great and the sexual chemistry was wonderful.He moved away.If he had not we would have kept it going.It can be done..
That sounds like a very good result. I do believe it can be done, I'm just not sure if it could be done by me..........I'm pretty sure that if I were you I would be missing him now he's gone!


MyNameIsKay 58F  
11808 posts
11/22/2016 7:02 am

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    I agree, it is a crude term and I wish I had used FWB instead.

    I often wonder about "the whole deal." Because fantastic though that is, or would be if we could ever find it, actually I'm not sure it really happens that much.

    If you find someone you love, and can live with, and want to have sex with, then that's pretty good I think, and if there is anything about you that they don't get - like say watching the ball game, or your sense of humour, or why you prefer Donald to Hilary (or vice versa, ) - then I reckon you just have to be adult about it and agree have different views and to do some things separately. It doesn't mean you can't love each other.

    It can be a bit of a problem when the thing they don't get about you is the sex part though.......lol....... Well, kind of smiling wryly, if not actually lol.
I don't wish you hadn't used FB...that wasn't my point necessarily. It's definitely a real term, and it probably describes my relationship better the majority of the time, but it leaves no room for emotion as part of its definition I think.

Now my brother has found that kind of chemistry magic, and I think she is the best woman he's ever dated...and I do really like her. But I see what of himself he has willingly changed in protection of that chemistry. And I wonder if those things are big enough to undermine the relationship down the line.

Swim...Bike...Done


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/22/2016 10:52 am

    Quoting MyNameIsKay:
    I don't wish you hadn't used FB...that wasn't my point necessarily. It's definitely a real term, and it probably describes my relationship better the majority of the time, but it leaves no room for emotion as part of its definition I think.

    Now my brother has found that kind of chemistry magic, and I think she is the best woman he's ever dated...and I do really like her. But I see what of himself he has willingly changed in protection of that chemistry. And I wonder if those things are big enough to undermine the relationship down the line.
Hmmm, yes, that's difficult. I always think the best relationships are the ones where your partner brings out the person you want to be, rather than bringing out changes , however willing, which fit the relationship.


DirrtyHot 55M  
11 posts
11/23/2016 5:29 am

Often times what starts out as NSA turns into LTR. It's just the way mother nature programmed us. Take it as a compliment. It means you found someone that you're really compatible with.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/23/2016 11:31 am

    Quoting DirrtyHot:
    Often times what starts out as NSA turns into LTR. It's just the way mother nature programmed us. Take it as a compliment. It means you found someone that you're really compatible with.
Yes, I think I agree with that. But I think there is a difficulty when one of the partners begins to feel that way and the other doesn't.

And I can't be sure, but I think if I am reading your meaning correctly, that when you say "take it as a compliment," that is your advice to someone who finds that their intended NSA partner wants something more permanent. I'm not sure I can agree with that. It may, in a sense be a compliment - i.e. it confirms that you are someone worth having a long term relationship with, but it does tend to ignore the possible harm the situation may then be doing to the other partner, so I am not sure it would be kind to actually just take it as a compliment.

And, although I know it is not always the case, I would hope most of us feel secure enough not to need that kind of compliment anyway.


hippiechick1967 41F
12074 posts
11/25/2016 5:42 pm

Sometimes it's a necessity. Meeting someone you want to be in a relationship with isn't easy, and it's either celibacy or FWB or FB's, whatever you want to call it, in the interim. .I have a few guys I can call when the need arises, but it's starting to feel too much like I'm just masturbating on them. As you said, it can be successful, but only if both parties are in the same headspace about it.

Elevate me...


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/28/2016 9:05 am

    Quoting hippiechick1967:
    Sometimes it's a necessity. Meeting someone you want to be in a relationship with isn't easy, and it's either celibacy or FWB or FB's, whatever you want to call it, in the interim. .I have a few guys I can call when the need arises, but it's starting to feel too much like I'm just masturbating on them. As you said, it can be successful, but only if both parties are in the same headspace about it.
I love the new picture! And great to see you!

And they should be so lucky to have a sexy hippie chick "masturbating on them."

But yeah, I know what you mean....


BrokenRomantic78 42F
1 post
12/28/2016 5:56 pm

I have tried this arrangement in the past and have found it to work for short periods of time...usually when I was too busy with life to have time for anything more. It never worked for long for me though. I have found that either I ended up wanting more but wasn't willing to let myself be vulnerable enough to tell them I wanted more ( a whole other topic there)....or I got tired of the games that sometimes go along with that sort of situation and shut it down. I think as long as it works for everyone involved it can be a good thing in the short term, but in my own experiences, those being invovled in thse FWB or FB situations are simply looking to fill something that is missing in their life or their current relationship. Sometimes if seemed like it was a distraction from what was "missing" or "not quite right" at the time.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
1/4/2017 2:36 am

    Quoting BrokenRomantic78:
    I have tried this arrangement in the past and have found it to work for short periods of time...usually when I was too busy with life to have time for anything more. It never worked for long for me though. I have found that either I ended up wanting more but wasn't willing to let myself be vulnerable enough to tell them I wanted more ( a whole other topic there)....or I got tired of the games that sometimes go along with that sort of situation and shut it down. I think as long as it works for everyone involved it can be a good thing in the short term, but in my own experiences, those being invovled in thse FWB or FB situations are simply looking to fill something that is missing in their life or their current relationship. Sometimes if seemed like it was a distraction from what was "missing" or "not quite right" at the time.
This sort of ties in with what I was saying I think, except from a more world weary and less hopeful standpoint. Or am I just reacting to your new user name? I wonder if anyone else will have worked out who you are? Your secret is safe with me, and I hope you feel less broken soon.

Your point about filling in something missing is a good one. But in this post I was only really thinking about the kind of FB when both parties are single. If another relationship is also involved then it is something else altogether I think, and of course much more likely to result in tears for any or all persons involved.


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