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I want to be what you need  

hotdreamer1000 60M
9102 posts
7/26/2016 2:57 pm

Last Read:
8/24/2016 3:43 pm

I want to be what you need


It's the thought of it that turns me on.

I think many of the people who blog here have the same thing in mind. Yes some are looking for a lifetime partner, and others, at the other end of the scale, are looking for a one night stand.

But the people I am drawn to, and, I think, many of the people who seem to like reading my blog, have something somewhere in between in mind. Someone who understands the transient, on / off nature of our needs. Someone who doesn't want a one off, but isn't looking for someone who needs 24 hour attention either. Someone who just instinctively understands what we need. And knows how to tell us what they need too. Someone who might still feel the same way a year from now even if we haven't communicated much since then.

Where it's all about the sex, the giving in to desire, the dirty magic, the skankery.........and yet there is a softness, an understanding - we kind of love each other too.

Someone to share the hopes and fears with, but someone who knows how to get us throbbing with desire, and wants to do that, for us. Sometimes I feel like I really want to do that for you.

I haven't been feeling sexy recently. But then someone here reminded me of what I liked about her in the first place, and I remembered what it feels like. I started thinking......what if........she wouldn't make things difficult would she.....? Maybe if we could just talk..........?

marysia4u 64F
15362 posts
7/26/2016 9:28 pm

Think you hit the nail on the head in this post.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/26/2016 11:32 pm

    Quoting marysia4u:
    Think you hit the nail on the head in this post.


As long as it doesn't lead to me nailing my head on the post.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/26/2016 11:36 pm

    Quoting rainbowsox:
    Talking requires one person to say, "Hello"! Reach out to her and let her know you are thinking of her!

    Did we read that you like drawing people? Weirdo!!!!!

    Love,
    -E; and -H'
I kind of just did.... Buy I also kind of like the will they / won't they............


zandigal 55F
13002 posts
7/27/2016 10:41 am

there's something about that dirty magic/understanding/kind of skanky love thingy that makes it all work... no matter what.

you word things so perfectly, Dreemy.



Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit
~Rumi


..


BiggLala 48F  
28374 posts
7/27/2016 11:12 am

Great post! One thing though. I'm confused when you say at the end, "I started thinking......what if........she wouldn't make things difficult would she.....? Maybe if we could just talk..........?"
-Would she what? What does she do to make things 'difficult'? What are yours and her expectations? If you've both clearly communicated those expectations, are they a match, are they compatible?

Obviously, this is none of my business.......but I'm just wondering what leads you to say she "makes things difficult".

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hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/27/2016 11:48 am

    Quoting zandigal:
    there's something about that dirty magic/understanding/kind of skanky love thingy that makes it all work... no matter what.

    you word things so perfectly, Dreemy.


In between the dark and the light, you know. Of course you know.

Why do I suddenly find myself humming that old Wayne Fontana tune "Groovy Kind of Love," only with new lyrics?....."baby you and me got a skanky kind of love."

Ha haaaa, that's making me smile now.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/27/2016 12:02 pm

    Quoting BiggLala:
    Great post! One thing though. I'm confused when you say at the end, "I started thinking......what if........she wouldn't make things difficult would she.....? Maybe if we could just talk..........?"
    -Would she what? What does she do to make things 'difficult'? What are yours and her expectations? If you've both clearly communicated those expectations, are they a match, are they compatible?

    Obviously, this is none of my business.......but I'm just wondering what leads you to say she "makes things difficult".
Hi Lala, very nice to see you here.

And Ah well yes, I apologise, I suppose there is a kind of assumption of prior knowledge in this post, which only someone who has been reading my posts carefully for a very long time would have. And even then neither they nor I would probably be completely sure what I mean, unless they just....kind of got it somehow.

To cut a long story short I seem to have developed this fantasy of some kind of kind of long-term, on/off, mutually-loving, friends-with-benefits type relationship, but I know that in real life I actually tend to be more of a full on one woman man type of guy. Either I would want more than I originally started out wanting, or I would find I disliked myself for not being able to always be there for someone who cared about me, even if they didn't want me to always be there. (I know it sounds complicated, but you are asking me to explain something I don't understand that well myself, lol. ) Anyway, it isn't so much anything "she" would do that would be a problem, but her presence in my life might be........

Funnily enough, I think the truth about relationships is that even if you have clearly communicated and understood, and you both think your expectations are a match, they may turn out not to be. And on the other side of that coin, when the instinctive understanding of each other - that mental chemistry, whatever it is, just clicks - then clear communication and the managing expectations suddenly becomes superfluous. You just know.


zandigal 55F
13002 posts
7/27/2016 2:20 pm

In between the dark and the light, you know. Of course you know.

Why do I suddenly find myself humming that old Wayne Fontana tune "Groovy Kind of Love," only with new lyrics?....."baby you and me got a skanky kind of love."

Ha haaaa, that's making me smile now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i like that!

Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit
~Rumi


..


BiggLala 48F  
28374 posts
7/27/2016 3:20 pm

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    Hi Lala, very nice to see you here.

    And Ah well yes, I apologise, I suppose there is a kind of assumption of prior knowledge in this post, which only someone who has been reading my posts carefully for a very long time would have. And even then neither they nor I would probably be completely sure what I mean, unless they just....kind of got it somehow.

    To cut a long story short I seem to have developed this fantasy of some kind of kind of long-term, on/off, mutually-loving, friends-with-benefits type relationship, but I know that in real life I actually tend to be more of a full on one woman man type of guy. Either I would want more than I originally started out wanting, or I would find I disliked myself for not being able to always be there for someone who cared about me, even if they didn't want me to always be there. (I know it sounds complicated, but you are asking me to explain something I don't understand that well myself, lol. ) Anyway, it isn't so much anything "she" would do that would be a problem, but her presence in my life might be........

    Funnily enough, I think the truth about relationships is that even if you have clearly communicated and understood, and you both think your expectations are a match, they may turn out not to be. And on the other side of that coin, when the instinctive understanding of each other - that mental chemistry, whatever it is, just clicks - then clear communication and the managing expectations suddenly becomes superfluous. You just know.
I see, i.e. I comprehend that there is a LOT to grasp here that I don't have the historical information to do so.

It's funny you you say, "I think the truth about relationships is that even if you have clearly communicated and understood, and you both think your expectations are a match, they may turn out not to be." I'd actually disagree with this. I don't think it's that we think our expectations and the other person's match when they really don't. It's that: a) we really don't hear the other person's expectations, or b) we ignore or dismiss the other person's expectations. Either way, we're so focused on our own that we begin to force the other person to conform to our expectations (i.e. they'll change for us; they'll want what I want) instead of walking away because there is NOT a match. I think this even happens with that "...instinctive understanding of each other..." you describe. Perhaps even more so in those situations because we assume that the connection/chemistry is so great that "Hey, they're so much like me, we get along so great that they MUST want the same things I do. Right?"

Just my two cents anyway.

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hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/28/2016 1:57 am

    Quoting BiggLala:
    I see, i.e. I comprehend that there is a LOT to grasp here that I don't have the historical information to do so.

    It's funny you you say, "I think the truth about relationships is that even if you have clearly communicated and understood, and you both think your expectations are a match, they may turn out not to be." I'd actually disagree with this. I don't think it's that we think our expectations and the other person's match when they really don't. It's that: a) we really don't hear the other person's expectations, or b) we ignore or dismiss the other person's expectations. Either way, we're so focused on our own that we begin to force the other person to conform to our expectations (i.e. they'll change for us; they'll want what I want) instead of walking away because there is NOT a match. I think this even happens with that "...instinctive understanding of each other..." you describe. Perhaps even more so in those situations because we assume that the connection/chemistry is so great that "Hey, they're so much like me, we get along so great that they MUST want the same things I do. Right?"

    Just my two cents anyway.
That's really interesting and I think I agree with a lot of what you are saying. For sure what feels like instinctive understanding can hide a lot of misunderstanding! And yes, lots of times, we simply haven't heard what the other person is really telling us, or one or other of us hasn't dared to be completely truthful. I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I agree, a self centred attitude can lead people to try to manipulate their partner into a pre-conceived image, although I am pretty sure that at least isn't one of my own faults........

But haven't you ever experienced that feeling when you get into a relationship that your expectations start to change? You might start off thinking you were just friends and then fall in love. Or you might go for a one night stand and then find you can't stay away from someone. You may go on a date and not really like them much, but then you see them again and they begin to grow on you. Or you may find out something over time which you could never have seen to start with, which makes that person an impossible partner for you. Don't your hopes and expectations change as you get to know someone?

In any case, I think most people are really not very good at actually knowing what their expectations really are, which can often be what leads to a breakdown in compatibility.


BiggLala 48F  
28374 posts
7/28/2016 9:00 am

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    That's really interesting and I think I agree with a lot of what you are saying. For sure what feels like instinctive understanding can hide a lot of misunderstanding! And yes, lots of times, we simply haven't heard what the other person is really telling us, or one or other of us hasn't dared to be completely truthful. I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I agree, a self centred attitude can lead people to try to manipulate their partner into a pre-conceived image, although I am pretty sure that at least isn't one of my own faults........

    But haven't you ever experienced that feeling when you get into a relationship that your expectations start to change? You might start off thinking you were just friends and then fall in love. Or you might go for a one night stand and then find you can't stay away from someone. You may go on a date and not really like them much, but then you see them again and they begin to grow on you. Or you may find out something over time which you could never have seen to start with, which makes that person an impossible partner for you. Don't your hopes and expectations change as you get to know someone?

    In any case, I think most people are really not very good at actually knowing what their expectations really are, which can often be what leads to a breakdown in compatibility.
"But haven't you ever experienced that feeling when you get into a relationship that your expectations start to change? You might start off thinking you were just friends and then fall in love."
-I've absolutely had that. In fact, I've spent the past 6+ months dealing with that exact situation and trying to reconcile it. Expectations can and do change, particularly the more superficial ones. However, core expectations do not (should not) change. In the case of a more serious situation, the people involved need to be clear on expectations, listen to the other person's, and decide if that compatibility is there to keep moving forward or whether they should walk away (as I think about it while typing, this is even true of casual or purely sexual relationships). Regardless of the situation, I think my point remains the same...many people don't walk away when expectations are not compatible, or where there is no willingness to compromise, which is not the same as settling. They dig in their heels, attempt to force things on the other person, which causes frustration for both parties.

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Violette001 48F
4497 posts
7/28/2016 9:36 am

well... i had a response written... almost finished it... and my mom wants me to show her how to buy things online. so now. two hours later. i don't remember what i said anymore. except that - what you said:

Where it's all about the sex, the giving in to desire, the dirty magic, the skankery.........and yet there is a softness, an understanding - we kind of love each other too.

Someone to share the hopes and fears with, but someone who knows how to get us throbbing with desire, and wants to do that, for us. Sometimes I feel like I really want to do that for you.


... totally understand every bit of it.

i think the reason expectations change, is because we change. we get better at listening to ourselves and our uniqueness and get better at figuring out what we can give and what we need. That makes it harder to find someone to clank with, but when you do, it's more satisfying. and for some odd reason, 'satisfying' isn't related to time. just one meeting, with the right person, could fill you up for the rest of your life!

or, at least, i imagine it will... lol

so, stop thinking so much, and do some talking. you're much better at handling difficulties than you used to be when you were a teenager. the best thing about being as old as we are is, we can pick and choose the best of all the years that have passed. We can be silly, and playful, jump in the mud, roll in the grass, and still be perfectly responsible and respectable adults. lol

"Do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
--Author Unknown



hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/29/2016 3:16 am

    Quoting Violette001:
    well... i had a response written... almost finished it... and my mom wants me to show her how to buy things online. so now. two hours later. i don't remember what i said anymore. except that - what you said:

    Where it's all about the sex, the giving in to desire, the dirty magic, the skankery.........and yet there is a softness, an understanding - we kind of love each other too.

    Someone to share the hopes and fears with, but someone who knows how to get us throbbing with desire, and wants to do that, for us. Sometimes I feel like I really want to do that for you.


    ... totally understand every bit of it.

    i think the reason expectations change, is because we change. we get better at listening to ourselves and our uniqueness and get better at figuring out what we can give and what we need. That makes it harder to find someone to clank with, but when you do, it's more satisfying. and for some odd reason, 'satisfying' isn't related to time. just one meeting, with the right person, could fill you up for the rest of your life!

    or, at least, i imagine it will... lol

    so, stop thinking so much, and do some talking. you're much better at handling difficulties than you used to be when you were a teenager. the best thing about being as old as we are is, we can pick and choose the best of all the years that have passed. We can be silly, and playful, jump in the mud, roll in the grass, and still be perfectly responsible and respectable adults. lol
"Someone to clank with." That's really making me smile!

Better at handling difficulties... ....? When it comes to clankery, that I'm not so sure about!


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/29/2016 3:37 am

    Quoting BiggLala:
    "But haven't you ever experienced that feeling when you get into a relationship that your expectations start to change? You might start off thinking you were just friends and then fall in love."
    -I've absolutely had that. In fact, I've spent the past 6+ months dealing with that exact situation and trying to reconcile it. Expectations can and do change, particularly the more superficial ones. However, core expectations do not (should not) change. In the case of a more serious situation, the people involved need to be clear on expectations, listen to the other person's, and decide if that compatibility is there to keep moving forward or whether they should walk away (as I think about it while typing, this is even true of casual or purely sexual relationships). Regardless of the situation, I think my point remains the same...many people don't walk away when expectations are not compatible, or where there is no willingness to compromise, which is not the same as settling. They dig in their heels, attempt to force things on the other person, which causes frustration for both parties.
Not walking away, but not compromising either, and attempting to force a change on the other person - yes, I agree, that can happen. And of course you are right about how not being willing to walk away can be a problem. It can be because of a fear of failure, or a genuine desire to make things work, or a inability to face life a lone, or it can be controlling and vindictive.

But I find myself less sure that expectations, even core ones, shouldn't change. Although in fact I think I don't ever really have any expectations. I try to see people for who they are, for what is important to them, and for what they mean to me, and I find I respond accordingly. And if I have particular feelings for someone, I may hope they reciprocate, and I may hope that they behave in all the ways I would like them to, but I don't expect them to. And of course often they don't!

I think if I find someone who I love for who they are and they bring out the best in me, then any expectations I might have had just get totally forgotten and the relationship creates its own form.

Maybe the expectations happen when what we are actually trying to do is to create some fantasy ideal we have in our heads out of a real life person? Which might be what you picked up on in this post, because of course that's what this post is about. I'm not sure if any amount of prior communication can solve that problem, lol.


BiggLala 48F  
28374 posts
7/29/2016 5:20 am

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    Not walking away, but not compromising either, and attempting to force a change on the other person - yes, I agree, that can happen. And of course you are right about how not being willing to walk away can be a problem. It can be because of a fear of failure, or a genuine desire to make things work, or a inability to face life a lone, or it can be controlling and vindictive.

    But I find myself less sure that expectations, even core ones, shouldn't change. Although in fact I think I don't ever really have any expectations. I try to see people for who they are, for what is important to them, and for what they mean to me, and I find I respond accordingly. And if I have particular feelings for someone, I may hope they reciprocate, and I may hope that they behave in all the ways I would like them to, but I don't expect them to. And of course often they don't!

    I think if I find someone who I love for who they are and they bring out the best in me, then any expectations I might have had just get totally forgotten and the relationship creates its own form.

    Maybe the expectations happen when what we are actually trying to do is to create some fantasy ideal we have in our heads out of a real life person? Which might be what you picked up on in this post, because of course that's what this post is about. I'm not sure if any amount of prior communication can solve that problem, lol.
To be clear, when I speak of expectations, especially core expectations, I'm talking about what we each want for our life and our relationships. I don't necessarily mean expectations on how people act. Although, I expect that if I communicate to someone what I want in a relationship, and they tell me they're looking for the same, then I expect their behavior to demonstrate that (as an example). If their behavior does not, I take it as an indicator that they do not truly want the same thing as I do and/or they are unwilling/unable to behave in a manner that demonstrates it. Either way...we're not compatible.

I tend to agree with what Ms. Violette said in that our expectations change as we get older and/or gain more experience (I know that's not literally what she said, but that's what I took from her words). That said, if you have no expectations, then how do you know what you want, what you really want? Will you just accept anything, just accept any behavior...even unacceptable behavior and be treated with disrespect? Or is disrespect okay because you love and care for the person?

"I think if I find someone who I love for who they are and they bring out the best in me, then any expectations I might have had just get totally forgotten and the relationship creates its own form."
-I can understand this to a degree, but for me, I can love someone for who they are but that does not mean I will forget my expectations for myself and just accept treatment that I consider unacceptable. The other side of that token is that I expect (hope) the person feels about me the way I do about them and treats me accordingly. If they do not feel as I do or they [claim to] love me but their behavior doesn't demonstrate that...again, not compatible. I do believe 'love' is a action, not just a feeling, so behaving in a manner that shows me you love me is what I expect. I can still 'love' that person, but I would not be with them. Also, I'm not a huge fan of letting relationships create their own form, at least not indefinitely. Sure, initially you can 'see where things go', but IMO you should guide and direct (not force things mind you) it where you want it to go at a certain point.

Ah well...perhaps I'm getting to that stage where it's difficult to find someone to clank with as Ms. Violette spoke about (love 'clank' btw, so much more realistic than 'click' ).

Thanks for allowing the discussion.

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Violette001 48F
4497 posts
7/29/2016 11:48 am

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    "Someone to clank with." That's really making me smile!

    Better at handling difficulties... ....? When it comes to clankery, that I'm not so sure about!
we've just invented a perfect phrase! you think it might eventually make it's way to the urban dictionary?? i don't want it to though. i kinda like feeling like no one else in the world knows about it. well. i suppose your other friendly fans do, if they read everyone else's posts... but still.

but now i have a question. enlighten me about the difficulties of clankery! other than, of course, finding the right person to clank with.

oh, wait... i just thought of one major difficulty. when building relationships online, the biggest hindrance to stress-free clankery, is distance. that's a very depressingly, big one...

"Do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
--Author Unknown



hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/29/2016 2:55 pm

    Quoting BiggLala:
    To be clear, when I speak of expectations, especially core expectations, I'm talking about what we each want for our life and our relationships. I don't necessarily mean expectations on how people act. Although, I expect that if I communicate to someone what I want in a relationship, and they tell me they're looking for the same, then I expect their behavior to demonstrate that (as an example). If their behavior does not, I take it as an indicator that they do not truly want the same thing as I do and/or they are unwilling/unable to behave in a manner that demonstrates it. Either way...we're not compatible.

    I tend to agree with what Ms. Violette said in that our expectations change as we get older and/or gain more experience (I know that's not literally what she said, but that's what I took from her words). That said, if you have no expectations, then how do you know what you want, what you really want? Will you just accept anything, just accept any behavior...even unacceptable behavior and be treated with disrespect? Or is disrespect okay because you love and care for the person?

    "I think if I find someone who I love for who they are and they bring out the best in me, then any expectations I might have had just get totally forgotten and the relationship creates its own form."
    -I can understand this to a degree, but for me, I can love someone for who they are but that does not mean I will forget my expectations for myself and just accept treatment that I consider unacceptable. The other side of that token is that I expect (hope) the person feels about me the way I do about them and treats me accordingly. If they do not feel as I do or they [claim to] love me but their behavior doesn't demonstrate that...again, not compatible. I do believe 'love' is a action, not just a feeling, so behaving in a manner that shows me you love me is what I expect. I can still 'love' that person, but I would not be with them. Also, I'm not a huge fan of letting relationships create their own form, at least not indefinitely. Sure, initially you can 'see where things go', but IMO you should guide and direct (not force things mind you) it where you want it to go at a certain point.

    Ah well...perhaps I'm getting to that stage where it's difficult to find someone to clank with as Ms. Violette spoke about (love 'clank' btw, so much more realistic than 'click' ).

    Thanks for allowing the discussion.
Thanks, and you're welcome!

Oh, and of course I don't suggest that anyone should put up with behaviour they consider unacceptable just because they love someone - that wasn't what I meant at all.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
7/29/2016 3:01 pm

    Quoting Violette001:
    we've just invented a perfect phrase! you think it might eventually make it's way to the urban dictionary?? i don't want it to though. i kinda like feeling like no one else in the world knows about it. well. i suppose your other friendly fans do, if they read everyone else's posts... but still.

    but now i have a question. enlighten me about the difficulties of clankery! other than, of course, finding the right person to clank with.

    oh, wait... i just thought of one major difficulty. when building relationships online, the biggest hindrance to stress-free clankery, is distance. that's a very depressingly, big one...
Well, as you can see BiggLala also seems to be a fan of the word "clank."

And I believe it was you who invented the word, not me! Don't worry, I will never hear that word again without thinking of you.

Distance can be a problem of course, although I have occasionally found it can also be a facilitator, (as you know yourself if I remember rightly.... )

As to my difficulties, well there is the continuing one which I think I have told you about, and then, (as if that wasn't enough) there is my reaction to temptation to be considered. And with a true clank, there is always temptation isn't there?


Violette001 48F
4497 posts
7/30/2016 8:18 am

    Quoting hotdreamer1000:
    Well, as you can see BiggLala also seems to be a fan of the word "clank."

    And I believe it was you who invented the word, not me! Don't worry, I will never hear that word again without thinking of you.

    Distance can be a problem of course, although I have occasionally found it can also be a facilitator, (as you know yourself if I remember rightly.... )

    As to my difficulties, well there is the continuing one which I think I have told you about, and then, (as if that wasn't enough) there is my reaction to temptation to be considered. And with a true clank, there is always temptation isn't there?
well... your post was the trigger for the invention of clank! lol and then you said 'someone to clank with' was making you smile and now it's got a tune in my head. the song is 'someone to dance with' or 'no myth' but in my head, i'm hearing 'someone to clank with'. lol

and, yes, i'm still feeling the effects of my long distance 'relationship'. lol i guess, those 'effects' i'm feeling are the temptations? ok. they are strong temptations. sigh.

i still feel like there's an answer. lol

"Do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
--Author Unknown



lyavu 47F  
1341 posts
8/21/2016 9:52 am

life is short. YOLO.. you only live once.


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