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hotdreamer1000 60M
9102 posts
11/25/2015 4:30 am

Last Read:
12/3/2015 6:21 am

More About the Signs


In the previous post, BiggLala asked: "...so a man is often wary of asking for a date because he thinks that if it leads to sex he may then be expected to commence a relationship..."
Why is this? I'm honestly asking this question.


In case you didn't read all through the comments thread, (which was really interesting, thanks everyone for contributing, that was great, ) here is what I replied:

Errr....well, I'll try! (Just my opinion / gut feeling though you know - I am in no way qualified other than by my own experience. )

But I think it is because so many of us are still brought up in traditional ways. Even though we know that most people often have sex for fun, outside marriage / long term relationships, there is an underlying feeling, (out in the real world ) that somehow "men want something for nothing, and women should not give themselves away." Generally speaking, in the everyday world, there is still a presumption that men want casual sex, while women want relationships. Even on this site, you can read that into a lot of people's profiles. Women here may be looking for sex, but a lot of them state that they want more than a casual fling, they want cuddles or conversation, and some continued regular contact to go with it. (Why not incidentally - I want that too, don't misunderstand me, I am not saying this is wrong, I'm just commenting on the overall misunderstanding! )

Also, still today, many girls are brought up (albeit perhaps unintentionally, ) to think that sex is somehow a way to trap a man into wanting a relationship. If you give sex too easily, guys won't take you seriously etc etc.

And guys themselves still buy into this - they call easy girls "sluts" in a very unpleasant way. They are turned on by the idea of an easy lay, but deep down inside they have a irrational hatred of that kind of woman. Whether it is because they fear competition from other men, or they fear what it says about their own motivation I am not sure, but when it comes to women they want to get close to, they still think "nice girls don't do that." They wouldn't want an easy girl for their girlfriend. Meltdown if their sister sleeps around. That's why so many women get nasty emails from guys here that they politely turn down. Sub-consciously these guys are thinking "If she's here then she's a slut, but she still won't sleep with me - there must be something seriously wrong with me." So they lash out, making it the woman's fault for being a horrible slut .

Even if you move on from that kind of old fashioned sexist thinking, most guys will have experienced the disapproval which can run through a group of friends after a guy has had some kind of relationship with a woman and then broken it off, especially if he made all the moves to start with. "He's a heartbreaker,"..... "He's charming, but he's a player," "He's got commitment issues".........."He led her on, then as soon as he had got what he wanted he dumped her." If he can say "but she came on to me," (even if only he himself is listening, ) maybe he feels less responsible.

Most of this is not rational, or even expedient, but I do think it is what happens. And if people understand that better, it might help. A little!

hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
11/25/2015 7:47 am

    Quoting babyjeans2015:
    Not sure about the trapping thing... I think some women see getting pregnant as a way to trap a man into commitment, but I have never heard of a woman thinking to use sex as entrapment tool. I think more commonly they see it as the beginning of a relationship but men don't see an equation mark between sex and relationship.
Yes, that's pretty much what I meant.


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
12/1/2015 11:16 am

    Quoting rainbowsox:
    I'm imagining a group of wildebeest, out on the Sahara, looking over at Marge as she gets a drink from some watering hole. The group, all "sexed" up looking at her tremendous backside, each making disparaging comments about what they "will do to her when they get her back to their crib"... all the while, secretly thinking, "Is she the type of Connochaete I can bring home to Mom"? And as she waddles off into the horizon, they all yell at unison, "You SLUT"!!!!!!

    How they heck have we over-complicated what is supposed to be such a simple process? One day, in the year 3625, our ancestors will laugh, as they are creating a clone of George Clooney in a lab, at what silly creatures we were waaaay back in 2015.

    In all seriousness (as if I could be on this topic), We have so many veils we hide behind. We get lost in trying to do what is expected, or acceptable. Constantly lying to ourselves and everyone we meet. If only we could stop all the "games" and just be ourselves, marching to whatever beat is playing in our head... we would all be so much more happy!

    Of course, we could just wear a giant scarlet letter on our coats that advertises what we actually are!!!!

    Love,
    -E' and -H'

What, like an "Easy A" you mean???

Nice comment....I agree. You seem to have a remarkable grasp of the thought process of the average red-neck man, considering your lack of first hand experience of their behaviour!


lustasaurus 43F  
1750 posts
12/1/2015 12:43 pm

I cringe a little when things get delineated across gender lines. I think there's more parity than most people credit when it comes to hookup/relationship goals, but the disagreement is about the means to the end.

Women are about 30% as likely to orgasm when hooking up as their male partners. It's physiological differences, it's the need for patience and familiarity, and for people like me, it's the mental attraction, buildup, and anticipation.

Not everyone can get off from friction alone. As a result, many people need more time to get to know their partners beyond the wham and the bam. There are exceptions - I envy a lady who can get off at the drop of a hat, slut or otherwise. And I know there are men who need just as much time (perhaps because they get turned on by turning their partner on, and thus their timeline is moderated by familiarity).

So a woman doesn't show up here because she's an idiot who doesn't know what a casual relationship is. She wants sexual satisfaction - on her terms. A guy who doesn't understand these needs isn't a bad person; he's just a really bad lay. After encountering a number of bad lays, most women set their sights higher. This might mean monogamy. It might mean "a relationship" (God forbid!!!). It might just mean seeing each other more than once. We'd all be a lot happier if we had open discussions about what everyone truly needs rather than making assumptions.

It's trouble when the need for familiarity gets conflated with wanting to pick out china patterns and to live happily ever after. We all end up holding back out of fear of "wrong interpretations". Wouldn't it be a better use of time to focus on learning how to get each other off?


hotdreamer1000 60M
11653 posts
12/1/2015 12:53 pm

    Quoting lustasaurus:
    I cringe a little when things get delineated across gender lines. I think there's more parity than most people credit when it comes to hookup/relationship goals, but the disagreement is about the means to the end.

    Women are about 30% as likely to orgasm when hooking up as their male partners. It's physiological differences, it's the need for patience and familiarity, and for people like me, it's the mental attraction, buildup, and anticipation.

    Not everyone can get off from friction alone. As a result, many people need more time to get to know their partners beyond the wham and the bam. There are exceptions - I envy a lady who can get off at the drop of a hat, slut or otherwise. And I know there are men who need just as much time (perhaps because they get turned on by turning their partner on, and thus their timeline is moderated by familiarity).

    So a woman doesn't show up here because she's an idiot who doesn't know what a casual relationship is. She wants sexual satisfaction - on her terms. A guy who doesn't understand these needs isn't a bad person; he's just a really bad lay. After encountering a number of bad lays, most women set their sights higher. This might mean monogamy. It might mean "a relationship" (God forbid!!!). It might just mean seeing each other more than once. We'd all be a lot happier if we had open discussions about what everyone truly needs rather than making assumptions.

    It's trouble when the need for familiarity gets conflated with wanting to pick out china patterns and to live happily ever after. We all end up holding back out of fear of "wrong interpretations". Wouldn't it be a better use of time to focus on learning how to get each other off?
Yes, I totally agree with you on this, and thanks for commenting. But I'm not sure if you are writing this because you think I might not be aware of some women's need for patience and familiarity, or worse that I was saying women here are stupid, (which of course I'm not saying ) or whether you agree and are just amplifying what I was saying.

These days I find I have very mixed feelings myself about the idea of anything remotely short term in a relationship, partly because I love the process of learning how to get each other off, and I also find I enjoy sex so much more if I am in some way "in love with" my partner.

I like your observation that the need for familiarity can get confused with wanting to pick out the china. I'm not sure it ever does really, but I do think the fear of that happening can be a problem!


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