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Ancient Chinese Proverb
 
If you have two pennies bye a loaf with one and a lily with the other, for even with a full belly what is the purpose of life without beauty?
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Always look on the bright side of life.
Posted:Jul 27, 2016 1:10 pm
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2020 12:45 am
10023 Views

Backbrace makes getting out of bed easier painkillers still send me too sleep(but I've cut down from 8 a day too 4/5, depending).

Saw orthopaedic surgeon and agreed to surgery( really fed up of staying in bed, watching trees move, and birds/planes cross my window. Now on waiting list. Hope too be better and more cohearent soon.
0 Comments
Breaking one of my rules.
Posted:Jun 13, 2016 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2018 3:02 pm
12372 Views

Don't complain, don't explain. I think an explanation is in order. I said on one of my earlier blogs that I had broken a rib or two, It turns out that I had also fractured 2 of my spinal vertebrae. I was ambulanced to the spine fracture clinic and after an X ray a CAT scan and an MRI saw an orthopaedic consultant, he recommended surgery, but I said we should try a back brace first. So here I am lying in bed, sleeping about 20 hours a day(painkillers send me to sleep) wearing a moulded plastic and metal brace, and will be doing so for the next month. So I apologize for my absence and if I do sound crazy, blame the painkillers.

Anyway a couple of jokes,

Father Murphy was berating young Tommy about the dangers of masturbation, he finished by saying "every time you do it another life in Christ is lost."
Two days later he sees Tommy walking towards the slowly dragging a matchbox on a piece of string, he says "What are you doing?" Tommy replies "Have some respect Father, I'm attending a funeral."

Mrs Murphy receives a call from the undertaker who says "We have a problem with your husbands body, He has an erection and we can't close the coffin." She says "cut it off and stick it up his arse, I'll visit later.

When she visits she sees a single tear running down her husband cheek, and whispers into his ear "See I told you it hurts"
1 comment
2 more cheesy jokes.
Posted:May 30, 2016 3:38 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2018 12:46 pm
12045 Views

Judge "You are accused of assaulting a Police Officer, tell me why did you hit this officer with a rolled up newspaper?"

Defendant " Well on his jacket it said SWAT, so I did."

Is music for people who can't sing in joined up writing?
1 comment
A non PC joke I won't be telling my grandkids.
Posted:May 25, 2016 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2018 12:46 pm
12799 Views

A chief walks into a traders store and asks for a condom. The trader sells him one.

The next day the chief walks into the store and says "condom no good, get on No 1 squaw, bang away, Bollocks go URGH, Bollocks go URGH, condom go BANG." Sorry chief, must be defective. here you are extra tough, for the better man."
Next day the chief walks in with 6 braves who glare at the trader. The chief says "condom no bloody good, climb on No 2 squaw, bang away, Bollocks go URGH, Bollocks go URGH, condom go BANG, you give better condom NOW!" "yes chief here a Black Shadow, made in Germany, Guaranteed."

Next day the chief walks in with10 braves who pull the trader across the counter and draw their knives, chief says "Condom no bloody good, get on No 3 squaw bang away, Bollocks go URGH, Bollock go URGH, condom go BANG, now you die!" "No give me another chance." The chief agrees. By now the trader is desperate, he searches his store and finds an old bicycle inner tube, lopes off a foot, ties a knot in one end and gives the chief the assurance that this one will last a lifetime.

The trader was up at dawn the next day, Terrified and keeping watch for the chief, but nothing happened.

The following day the town was surrounded by the whole tribe, 12 braves pin the trader too the wall, the chief hobbles in on crutches says "condom no good." "Why chief what happened?" says the trader, the chief replies "Get on top No 4 squaw bang away, Bollocks go URGH, Bollocks go URGH, condom go URGH, Bollocks go BANG
2 Comments
cheesy or non PC?
Posted:May 4, 2016 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2018 12:48 pm
13411 Views

Would you like me too carry on posting "cheesy" (that you can tell anyone)? or Non PC that you can only share with your mates?
Cheesy
Non PC
Both
jokes or just jokes you can tell your grandkids?
0 Comments , 7 votes
A couple of non PC jokes I won't be telling my grandkids.
Posted:May 3, 2016 2:16 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2018 1:33 pm
13591 Views

Sorry I've been out of it, I broke a couple of ribs and Dr gave strong pain killers( sent me too sleep) of them now, trying too make up, so,

chatting to a guy at the bus stop, another guy walks past and says "Hi Donkey", "donkey"? says I "why"? he replies "I..I..I don't know, he aw..he aw.. he aways calls me ".

3 high school seniors decided to visit a brothel, the first went in with $20 when he came out the others asked "what was it like"? he replied "good she gave me a hand job". The 2nd went in with $50 and when he came out they asked the same question, he said "it was great she sprayed me with whipped cream and put a cherry on top, then ate it all off". the 3rd went in with$100 and when he came out they asked the same question, he said "It was terrible", "how"! "first she put 3 pineapple rings on me then sprayed whipped cream all over it, added chocolate sprinkles, and then a cherry on top, IT LOOKED SO GOOD I ATE IT MYSELF".

Finally,

3 women were chatting over coffee, one asked "If your man was a drink what would he be"? The first said " I'd call him Whisky, he always makes me frisky". The 2nd said "I'll call him Brandy, he all makes me randy". The 3rd said " I'll call him Cointreau". "Why"? The others asked "Ain't that some kind of fancy liquor" "yep" she said "That's my man".

3 Comments
A quick cheesy joke.
Posted:Apr 16, 2016 2:45 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 2:07 pm
14501 Views

Have you heard about the cross eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils.
4 Comments
A few more cheesy jokes.
Posted:Apr 14, 2016 4:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2016 12:35 pm
14664 Views

My wife said " have we paid for our satellite dish"? I said "no the guy that installed it said "it was on the house".

My mate Tony asked "How do you know my new girlfriend is a vegetarian"? I said "I've met herbivour".

When I was a my parents always said "follow your dreams". That's when the sleepwalking started.

How boring are trainspotters? Last week I counted 23 at my local train station, my record is 47!
2 Comments
Some more cheesy jokes.
Posted:Apr 11, 2016 3:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2016 12:24 pm
15084 Views

I walked into a bar, said OWE.

A Conspiracy Theorist walks into a bar(OR SO THE GOVERNMENT WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE).

Two fonts walk into a bar, the barman say's " you must leave. we don't serve your type here".

Never give up your seat for a lady. That's why I lost my job as a bus driver.

I came home from work earlier and my wife was wearing this slinky number, but it only worked when she was coming downstairs.

Finally:

Heard in a "situation room". "Gentlemen this is a virus we've never seen before, 50% of the population will be totally incapacitated the other 50% will carry on. GENTLEMEN THIS IS MANFLU".
3 Comments
Yet more cheesy jokes.
Posted:Apr 7, 2016 3:10 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2016 4:08 pm
15353 Views

Fight fire with fire is my motto (perhaps that's why I was fired from the fire service).

I can't sleep unless there is always an open door (may be why I was rejected by the submarine service).

My dad always said "it's no use crying over spilt milk, just be glad it isn't whisky".

Barbra Striesand once said "women spend 10 years trying to change a man, and then complain that He's not the man I married". I've been married for 38 years and my wife still says "He's a work in progress".

Finally the truth.

I was looking at Utube and there seems with to be a delight watching soldiers "slip and fall". Mine was when we were changing the Guard at Windsor Castle. I was the junior Sgt and had to take the sentries to relieve the Guard, as I marched them down I shouted "dig your heels in" 2 seconds later I was the one skating on ice,(ammunition boots with steel heel and toecaps and 13 steel studs. meeting any smooth surface make for slips, the cobblestones outside didn't help).

P.S this was 1984.
1 comment
A cheesy thought.
Posted:Apr 4, 2016 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2016 12:25 pm
15643 Views

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, BUT YOU NEED ONE IF YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING TWICE.
2 Comments
A couple more cheesy jokes.
Posted:Apr 2, 2016 3:45 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2016 12:19 pm
15826 Views

What do mathematician mermaids wear?

an ALGEA bra.

It was twilight and I fell into this deep dark hole, that was full of water.

I didn't see that well

One of my ex girlfriends described me as a "SEX OBJECT" to my mates( I think her actual words were "He's an effin big dildo")..
2 Comments
Some more cheesy jokes.
Posted:Mar 30, 2016 3:15 pm
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2016 12:33 pm
16045 Views

Have you heard what happened when the guy who invented Tetris was buried?

The whole cemetery collapsed>

What do you call a woman who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

not one I'd tell the grandkids.

The police have introduced a non emergency phone number, so I called and said "there's been a burglary in our house".

"Why are you reporting this as a non emergency"?

"well it's ok, I've shot him, so take your time, he's not going anywhere"
3 Comments

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