A Vacation Comedy Itinerary
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Posted:Sep 6, 2015 8:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2015 8:21 pm
24898 Views
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Hello ! I've been to South Florida many times over the years. Here's a tale from quite a few years back...
Ah, the first real vacation in five years! A trip to the South Florida Gulf Coast. Four of us Perry, our captain, (he paid for the house boat for a week); his fiance Julie, Georgia (a girl I knew from high school and just recently ran into again), and myself.
DAY ONE
Beautiful weather and a great day to be on the water at the edges of the Everglades. Leisurely driving the 40' boat while the women sunned themselves on deck.
Towards sundown captain Perry directs me to a secluded horseshoe cove where we weigh anchor for the night. The tequila was flowing and I fell asleep to the sound of the gentle waves lapping against the boat.
DAY TWO
I awake to silence. Total silence, outside of some insects and a few birds. So serene.
Too serene! Something is wrong! I jumped up and went on deck. We were beached! Nothing but thick muck all around. I could see water...about 100 yards away. Hmmm, this should really impress the women.
To be continued...
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BEACH BLOGGING
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Posted:Sep 6, 2015 2:22 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2015 8:37 am
24571 Views
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Hello folks! keithcancook here, blogging away from the Tropics. Yep, I'm here in sunny South Florida, having a good ol time for the next week. I'm gonna take it easy, heal up, and hit the beaches.
I had some fun last evening. Went to the local deli for some chow. It was a Jewish deli in the middle of a Seminole Gambling house. While waiting for the food I put a twenty in the penny slot, and ten minutes later I cashed out 185 bucks! Yippie!
The Reuben was great, but the latkes were wanting. Way to heavy for me.  That's ok. I can afford them now. 
The Atlantic is awesome still, how I love to frolic in it. I'll be brown as a berry by the time I get back. Morning sun, afternoon thunderstorms. Awesome light shows. Spectacular sunsets from the roof of my condo. I'm gonna do a sunrise one of these mornings.
Other than that, it's lunch at a different place every day. Same with breakfast and dinner. Call me keithwontcook for the rest of this week!
blog on!
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Can You Spare A Square?
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Posted:Sep 1, 2015 7:40 am
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2015 11:59 am
25931 Views
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President Obama's in Alaska to highlight climate change, and it got me to thinking about saving the planet again...
I like to think that I am not a wasteful individual. That my ecological footprint upon the earth can be minimized with a bit of resourcefulness. After all, I had read on a tree-hugger website that if everyone in the world lived like a U.S. citizen, we'd need over five planets to support ourselves.
So, I'm thinking I should be able to improve. To make my footprint ever smaller. (Never smaller than a size 13, though. That would be too painful). I could be a bit more conscientious recycling my garbage. I could be more diligent in purchasing products made with the "greenest" technology possible.
Then I thought of my dear old dad. He taught me my earliest lesson in frugality. I can still remember him telling me that I shouldn't use more than eight squares of toilet paper per poop.
Yep, eight squares. I had never really counted before, but he was pretty intent that I understood that my limit was to be eight squares.
I remember a few things occurred to me at the time.
First, it would be hard for him to prove it if I went over the prescribed portion. 
Then, I thought that on occasion, a person had to use more than eight squares for some situations. Like, what about the times when you think your done, but after you wipe up (using all eight of your squares), you suddenly realize that you aren't as finished as you thought you were. Does this constitute a new poop? Did I earn eight more squares? Or am I SOL? 
Perhaps the rules could be stretched to mean eight squares for each little log? That would make it easy. A person could crap with pleasure, complimented with a wipe up without worry.  Especially if you have those machine gun poops where they pinch out in hard little balls. Then again, that's no help really. Those hard little ones generally require less paper anyhow, don't they? 
And what about if I am pooping in another place? At a friends house, or in a public restroom? Do the eight squares follow me wherever I go? (Okay, they do. But hopefully somebody will tell me there are squares on my shoe). 
And, (horrors), what about diarrhea? Surely it takes more than eight in those situations. Right? 
Then there is the problem of pile. No, not the poop, rather the ply of the paper. If you have 2-ply paper, then you have a real shot at the squareness. If you have Charmin, that's really good. Gawd help you if you end up with single ply. Like Scott.
In a pinch, such was the poopy pondering of that potty puppy, the young keithcancook. It's all true, I shit you not! 
Don't forget to flush, and
blog on!
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Blogging On The Go
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Posted:Aug 28, 2015 6:55 am
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2015 3:59 pm
24426 Views
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When y'all visit the site with your mobile device, do you use the mobile version or the full web version? I gotta tell ya, the mobile way is a mess on my devices, and I won't use it.
blog on!
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Download youTodd! Regret it Later...
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Posted:Aug 27, 2015 10:41 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2015 9:20 pm
23647 Views
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Coming to you live in living ToddyVision, it's all the rage... youTodd!
Yes folks, download the youTodd app today, and see Snookeroo1000 in real live moovin pictures! Take a misguided tour through his home any time day or night!
See the famous cat condo!
See Todd & Nancy together in their secret trysts at WalMart!
Watch as Todd & Jimmy juggle with the vacuum cleaners plug returner!
Follow the adventures of keithcancook as he tries to make his way out of Wonderland, in his unending quest to return to Venting Blog Lane!
Keep up with BlogLands latest hits and listen to the oldies too, on youTodd RADIO! That's right, youTodd RADIO will have your toes tappin to the twistiest tunes 24/7, including that latest sensation, the song that's sweeping BlogLand, (and giving voice to canines everywhere)...[post 3684903].
All this and less will be available to you on youTodd! Download now, before Todd pulls his deleted junk out of retirement putting us all at risk!
[blog Snookeroo1000]
youTodd on!
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5
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I'll Be Bach
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Posted:Aug 25, 2015 1:41 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2023 8:17 pm
24815 Views
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I was having a bit of blog banter with a blogger the other day, and we began discussing various music styles. I was attempting to open him up to the beauty and splendor of Classical Music.
He soon became a bit befuddled, trying to keep abreast of the many different composers, and which ones had the most talent.
It was getting late, so I left him with this:
"Classical is all I can handel anymore, I suppose. I'll be bach later and leave you a liszt of the ones with the Most Art."
Except now I'm thinking that I don't really need to go back after all, now do I?
bach on!
Ha! I love puns! Who's with me? 
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Blogging Is Logging Without Using Trees
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Posted:Aug 24, 2015 7:30 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2023 11:27 am
24084 Views
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Blogging is logging without using trees.
Electronic messages spread on the breeze.
Some are so serious, while others are cheese.
So log on and blog on Sam I am, won't you please?
(we serve cheese here, and lots of it)
blog on!
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18
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Has History Happened?
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Posted:Aug 23, 2015 10:26 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2015 10:25 pm
23866 Views
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Of course history happened. Blowing up ancient artifacts and architecture does not negate a cultural heritage. Unfortunately, it does affect posterity.
I am disgusted that fanatics are destroying Palmyra, an ancient Syrian city. They're not destroying the inhabitants so much, although life is cheap in that area of the world, but the actual physical city.
Some folks just have no imagination. Pity.
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Through The Blogging Glass - The Eleventh Virtual Symposium
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Posted:Aug 21, 2015 8:49 pm
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2015 8:49 pm
69194 Views
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At last! At long last keithcancook had finally managed to get himself a date!
I was so excited I could hardly sit still. But, I wasn't supposed to meet her for hours and hours so what the hell, I decided to pass the time in the blogs with all of y'all.
So, Ho! Ho! Ho! To BlogLand I go. I read post after post, visiting blog after blog, and before long the dang screen started swimming and seemed all blurry. Dang! I musta been after it for quite awhile as I began to feel my eyelids fluttering and my brain seemed kinda mushy and slow. Drowsiness began to set in...
Oh dear! I couldn't be late! Not for such a very important date! Oh my! Up I jumped with a start, reaching for my pocket watch tucked tightly in my waistcoat pocket.
Wait! I don't have a waistcoat pocket. I don't even have a pocket watch. WTF?
Yet there I stood pocket watch in hand. I looked around and found myself gazing out of my monitor and into the room beyond. How strange! Turning around, I looked about me. I stood in my room. Yet not my room. It was all different somehow. Like it was backwards, inside out and upside down all at once.
I felt a compelling need to get out of there, the air was getting denser and the walls began shimmering. I staggered forward, struggled through the nearest door, and tumbled outside into the streets of .... BlogLand? WTF?
It was BlogLand alright, but different somehow. Like it was backwards, inside out and upside down all at once.
There was Popular Street. With all it's fine houses where all the top bloggers reside. The post boxes in front of each house all held the familiar names. I walked to the intersection, where Watched Blog Way crosses over, and there were the homes of all my friends.
It seemed like I was where I ought to be, yet I had an uncomfortable feeling that something just wasn't right. Actually, it all felt wrong. Beginning to get worried I hurried over to the blog of humorlife. He's been organizing some things around here lately, and I figured if anyone could help me, he could.
I threw open the front door and jumped into his blog as quickly as I could. Whew! I stood panting in his latest post and then slowly looked about me. Oh my! Something was wrong in there. Very wrong. It was Confessions of a Lifestyle Man alright, but the posts were strange. The swingers in there were still varied, coming in with assorted styles, and with diverse intents and purposes.
Yet these swingers were really quite contrary to ordinary. They mostly came in sets, yet some singles were allowed. Some had hard, firm seats, while others wore rubber at the end of their chains. Many had slides, several came with attached playhouses, and even one with a full blown castle incorporating swings, slides, and monkey bars!
Horrified, I began to back outta his blog carefully. (Okay, so I really screamed out loud and ran helter skelter, falling down several times in my haste to get the fuck outta there). I had outgrown this type of swinging long ago.
Once again, I tumbled into the streets of BlogLand, (yet not BlogLand), and I began lurching blindly down the boulevard. As if in a dream I saw the blogs go by one by one.
I saw bustybettyboop out sweeping the front porch of her blog. Well, I think it was bustybetty, but I couldn't be sure. Those beautiful baby blues were hidden behind dark glasses. I said "Hey! bustybetty! How are the plans for the Busty Awards coming along?" But she told me that I was in the wrong blog if I was looking for ceremonies. She was like the Award Nazi from Seinfeld. "No Trophy For You!"
She also claimed that she was an unknown blogger, a nobody. WTF??? "bustybettyboop is one of the most famous bloggers in all BlogLand" I cried, leaving her.
marysia4u's blog had no funny pics or memes. I did see some grim ones, though. Before I left her blog I was quite gratified to find that she was still using her "Y" periodic table bling. (I suppose some things are just too sacred to be backwards).
Down the road, [blog LadyLeo1949] has been posting obituaries rather than comics. Many from the Dead Blog Society were listed, but I didn't stay long enough to see if keithcancook was among the deceased. Yikes!
My! This BlogLand is so strange. I was realizing that I wasn't in Kansas anymore. "Is there anything that hasn't changed in here," I thought to myself.
I was again nearing Popular Street, and I went looking for the blog on the top of the hill. The big one. Numero Uno. I went looking for sexysandy.
But she wasn't there. In her place, in the most magnificent mansion in all BlogLand, there at the pinnacle, I found a new resident. To my astonishment it was now the palace of sweettexgal!
Wow! What a turnaround for her. Her place was a little shack on an empty lot just yesterday. You know the one. It only has that single post from last March. Well, not anymore. Awesome posts were literally spilling out of the place.
Holy Moley! sweet t was leading the blogs! She has the most watchers, visitors, unique comments... you name it, this gal's got it!
Curiouser and curiouser! This BlogLand Through The Blogging Glass was beginning to make a semblance of sense. I slowed down and began to look more closely at the blogs around me.
[blog spunkycumfun] was covered in hair. No shit, this dude puts the hir in hirsute. He sorta looks like a male Rapunzel, since he never clips a curl in this upside down world. Funny thing was, he had this bare spot where a beard should be. (I'm gonna check with the US Coast Guard on that one). Also, I heard that he's no longer the editor of the Sexy Times. It seems he now works in the mail department.
At the next intersection I jumped into Megan6627's blog. I needed to feed my Haiku fix before some strange new event could stop me. I found her Haiku's a bit off, however. They seemed to follow a new pattern. 7 syllables, 5 syllables, 7 syllables. That's how she does em now. And ya know what? I liked it!
I decided to seek my friend nightsoul1962. I wanted some explanations, and she gets around BlogLand like few others, seeing all, and commenting everywhere (My! She's a bloggers dream). I was about to open the door to her blog, when I remembered where I was. So I opened it just a crack, and peeked in.
Yep. As I suspected, I discovered that she rarely visits and never comments. DOH!
Across the street [blog CarbonRoadBike] was straight as an arrow, refused to look at dick pics, and was most kind and deferential to females.
I walked on a bit, thoughtfully. Still not hide nor hair of sexysandy could be seen.
I headed over to TimmyDsquid's blog to grab some lunch. I was hoping to dine seaside, but he wouldn't go near the water. He did offer to barbecue some chicken on his daughters new grill. Delicious! I toasted him for his hospitality, and fully sated journeyed back out into the streets of BlogLand (yet not BlogLand).
My brain began to clear a bit after such a fine repast, and I thought I should try and find my friend Furbal. I've known him since he was a blog-baby and have watched his development. Furbal greeted me at the door, and I politely inquired about the various vines, tendrils, and wildflowers that I had passed on the way in. Unfortunately, he had nothing to say about them.
I offered to help him learn, and I gave him a camera to photograph stuff he found during the day. He looked at me sorta quizzically, turned the camera over and around a few times, and then thanked me for the new paperweight! Oy.
Giving in to the new normal, I smiled, and said "you're welcome." We then sat down to watch some video of his new favorite comedian, Roseanne Roseannadanna. We had a great time, but it was getting late and I needed to blog on.
I wandered down the boulevard a bit until I came to [blog cinnamon0133] blog. I can tell you all that there is no spicy language in the Spice Rack. Not one fuck, shit, or shitfuck to be found. The Spice Rack is empty, y'all.
On a more positive note, I was pleased to discover that she has the perfect . Yep. This young-un adores the very ground ol cin walks on.
I moved on, crunching over the Maple leaves. Maple? I must be nearing my Canadian friend, [blog author51] blog. To my shock and horror I found her calling herself Sorrow. I you not, even her signature was altered. Under every comment she makes can be read "One can never have enough SORROW in their life".
I thought, well at least I can have some good blog banter with her. It will just have to be of a sorrowful nature. But no. No banter. Only blather. I wanted the thoughtful discussion from before. I want my JOY back! Help! Help!
I ran out fast, forgetting to even take a proper leave as I crunched cruncHED CRUNCHED through all those Maple leaves. My! There sure did seem to be a lot more leaves leaving than arriving. And this, just as I was reviving.
Well, now it was all about surviving as the leaves thickened like the plots in one of keithcancook's old posts. Pushing through it all as if in a fog I slipped, tripped, and stumbled into a blog.
Hit me smack in the nose, it did. Way out here where few could find it. A small place, but tidy. And there she was. I had found sexysandy! I could see her face, and folks she's beautiful! But as for the rest of her, well it was hard to tell through the billowy black robe she was wearing. Formless, shapeless. That is all I could tell. Unfortunate. She used to show it off so well.
When I asked for a pic she shooed me away.
It really wasn't too far to get to the more populated areas of BlogLand again. It wasn't dark yet, so I felt no fear. And yes, a few blogs were just now beginning to appear.
I saw joisygirl. I called out to her "Hey! Joisygirl! Where's yer accent, eh? She's plain old JerseyGirl now. So, so... so ordinary. Where's the character that was? The zip to the lip, the zest in the jest?
Across the way, all the posts in kzoopair's blog can be seen on a single page. I shit you not! One. Single. Page. I mean really? Usually I gotta use the page-down button 14x just to read through one post!
I decided to get GOING LOCAL, and went to visit apollorising2021. His blog MOVES! But when I got there nothing was in motion. Not even still pics were visible. Justa buncha words on a page. Oh so very plain. I am really missing the old BlogLand. And its e-motion.
I thought perhaps BiggLala could tell me what was up. She is a most excellent wordsmith. A writer worthy of the word. But when I got to her street, on the Outer Limits of BlogLand... I, I couldn't make sense of the street sign. It was some gibberish. I peeked inside her blog, but backed out quickly. There wasn't a single complete sentence to be found in the post appearing before my weeping eyes. I have been praying she doesn't email me. Thank you, jeezus.
Next, I went searching for my Irish friend, sexysixties2. I was in luck, for Ireland is experiencing the most pleasant sort of weather in years. I caught a glimpse of her through the window, and knocked on her blog. I was hoping to hear a good personal story, but oddly enough she was just too close with her business to let any blogger into that private sanctum. She did offer tea, which we took together, and I left her - with me still wondering what sort of life she must have had. I so wished to hear her personal stories, so well written that you can't look away. Sigh.
Leaving, I turned the corner where the BIG RED LIPS sign used to be. Used to be? I stopped, surprised. This was supposed to be myelin36's corner. Her blog was there alright, but the BIG RED LIPS that hung over the entrance were gone. In their place, I found myself looking into the orifice at the OTHER END OF THE BODY! EEeewww! I didn't want to whisper Dirty Little Secrets into that part of the blog. At least not before showering together anyhow. I was also surprised to discover that she has this weird notion that all her sex partners must from now on live next door! Very strange indeed.
I then began to get this odd, urgent feeling. I picked up my pace, and the blogs rushed by. There was Gntillhom blogging in German. And humorlife was answering in Greek.
I passed NaughtyInSO, she quotes dead Latin poets yanno, and she was outside cleaning all her keyboard condoms. She goes through tons of em from laughing so hard. I called out to her "Hey! Naughty! Who's the latest blogger to make you spill on yer keyboard?" She answered me not, instead giving me a hard grim stare. Apparently she no longer laughs at posts. In fact, they now upset her so much that she has been pounding on her keyboard, rather than pouring on it.
As I sped along I noticed [blog Fel7114] happily drunk-texting her little heart away. Not having much time left, I called out to her "Nice shoes!" and rounded the next bend.
[blog rascalQUALITY] is likely the greatest lover in all BlogLand, but as I neared his blog he said he had given up females forever.
They're gonna take this hard. This is terrible news for all the Babes in BlogLand, I thought sadly.
I'm thinking to myself, "Jeeze, this BlogLand through the blogging glass is getting kinda freaky. I'll bet keithcancook can explain all this." I quickened my pace as I turned a familiar corner and gazed once again upon Venting Blog Lane.
I just had to see the old blog before I woke up, er I mean before I... Oh nevermind.
Anyway, I went to the door which I found locked tight. WTF? This place is always open! I was just about to knock again when finally a tiny window thingie slid open.
"WTF DO YOU WANT?" a voice boomed at me.
"I am here to see keithcancook, if you please," I replied.
"He cannot be disturbed," the voice said. "He's getting laid."
"Laid? Are you sure?"
"Of course he's getting laid, you fool! He is the most laid man in all BlogLand."
"He is? You're kidding right? I figured he'd be posting like crazy or something, but not this!"
"Oh, he's posting like crazy alright. Several times daily. But not a word of it's original. He just cuts and pastes his e-mails. You don't want to talk to him either. He's a rude SOB, with nothing nice to say to anybody. To tell you the truth, most of BlogLand hates his very guts."
Noooo! I wailed, as all my world seemed to turn to darkness. Stunned, I staggered back and then began to fall. Long I fell, and my thoughts fell with me. Hated? Rude? ... Moi? No! It cannot be!
Then again, I thought as I gathered speed. Getting laid all the time sure would be a welcome change...
Yes! I like it! I wanna get laid all the time! I do, I do, I do! Stop the free-fall! I wanna go up! I wanna go back through the blogging glass. Hate me! Hate me all of you! Just lemme get back to Venting Blog Lane. Oh please! Oh please Oh pleeeeeeeze!
I managed to turn myself around and began struggling to slow my fall by making exaggerated swimming motions. The sweat was pouring off of me as I bent all my will towards getting back to the top of the hole.
Yes, the hole. I must return to the top of the hole... I must return, I muss...
Suddenly I heard a voice... "Daddy! Hey daddy! Wake up! Pop? ... Hey, are you alright? ... Dad?"
Huh? WTF? Somewhat dazed, I opened my eyes and found my next to me with concern in her eyes.
"Daddy!" she cried. "You had me worried there. I found you doing the breaststroke in your chair, and I couldn't wake you up for the longest time! Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
Your date called and cancelled on you again. Sorry pops. Maybe the next one will come through."
The End.
Authors note: Lewis Carroll did not give me permission to borrow this theme. He knows just as well as I that I took Through The Looking Glass and What Alice Found There, I took it, and I twisted it.
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50
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We Have The Coolest Birds In The World
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Posted:Aug 17, 2015 8:20 am
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2015 1:52 pm
24105 Views
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Yes, that’s right. The coolest birds in the world are found in the Americas. I know, I know. Europeans, Asians, Africans and Aussies have some pretty cool looking indigenous birdies, but none of em have a bird that can fly backwards, fly upside down, fly sideways, fly while spinning around, and hover in mid-air.
Yet, if you live between Alaska and Chile you can watch hummingbirds right up close in your yard.
In 2015 I have been enjoying this seasons friend, Boris. He claimed my feeder in the early Spring, and has guarded it well against all comers with the help of his trusty girlfriend Natasha. Their aerial exploits have entertained me for many months.
Do you like to watch your local birds?
bird on!
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17
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Why Blog?
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Posted:Aug 10, 2015 3:28 pm
Last Updated:Nov 25, 2020 6:53 pm
25391 Views
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One of the main attractions that draws me to BlogLand is the diversity to be found here. The rank humanity all around me, exposing me to ideas and outlooks that would not occur to me in my usual walk-a-day life.
On the one hand, the particular foibles found among all these folks is fine fodder for my satire. At the same time I'm learning, receiving an education by fitting myself in different shoes and walking around in em for a bit. Yes, BlogLand is a playground for me, but it is a learning playground nonetheless.
What helpful things do you all find here, I wonder?
As always,
blog on
also, here is a pic from last winter recalling cooler days...
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To link to this blog (keithcancook) use [blog keithcancook] in your messages.
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