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Why Am I Touching My Junk So Much?
Posted:Nov 2, 2020 4:13 am
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2020 4:20 pm

Lately I have become acutely aware that having been restricted working from home since the beginning of March, I find myself with my left hand constantly down my pants playing with my junk. I even do it now when I am eating and have become rather proficient in doing several things one handed like eating, typing etc etc.

There appears be no reason at for be incessantly grabbing my jewels, but I appear be doing it because I’m so used doing it. I do it without even noticing half the time. I just sit around with my left hand down my pants almost the time.

I guess it’s now a force of habit, just my go- way bask in leisure, that I knows it’s there and that it’s fine, but that I just like have my hand or around it. It’s like a security blanket, I guess. Except it’s a penis/balls.

I welcome others thoughts male or female
Posted:Oct 16, 2020 3:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2020 9:54 am

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....
...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it " she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns his armchair, and switches the telly back .

"Aren't you going do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink pints of Guinness..."
Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...
It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, the doors to Moe’s Saloon slam open. A scrawny, ragged, dirty little fellow starts screeching ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. Everybody rushes to leave, it was every man for himself. Old Moe just locked away the good silverware and was about to leave when the doors slam open again. A huge, dark and stern cowboy starts for the bar. Every footstep was heavier than the last. Poor Moe froze behind the counter. The cowboy unzips his pants and slams against the counter this huge monster of a penis. Pointing at it, he tells Moe ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast.’ Poor Moe does as he’s told without a beat. The cowboy leaves.

Next day, same story. People having a blast, piano playing, whiskey flowing. The same haggard little man bursts in: ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. Panic ensues, everyone leaves in a frenzied manner, except for poor old Moe, who, like a ship’s captain, was the one to stay behind. The same dark stern cowboy enters, advances to the counter, slams the hugest, ugliest phallus you’d ever seen, points at it and tells poor Moe ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast.’ The old timer complies without a word.

Third day, yet again the same story. Wonderful time at Moe’s Saloon when a tiny little scamp enters and yells ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. In a jiffy the place is emptied, old Moe rushes for the exit when he bumps into the dark stern cowboy entering. He points to the counter. Old Moe obeys the order. The cowboy advances, unzips his pants and slams his horrible shlong on the counter: ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast’. Moe considers for a moment, and, mustering all his might, whispers: ‘Alright now, feller. Alright. I done sucked that thing two days ago. Didn’t even wince. I done sucked that thing yesterday, not a word said. Hell, I’ll suck on it today, I give you my word. But - for the love of God - would you kindly tell me why you want it fast? I’m an old man and can barely pee fast’

‘Haven’t. You. Heard? Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’

A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it
The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man finishes the drink, the Bartender asks "how did you like it?" and the man in the red hat dismissively says, "I liked the gin."

The Bartender is miffed that that was the only thing the man had to comment on, so he makes a new drink. He drops a spoon of peanut butter into a glass, adds black pepper, squeezes a portion of mustard, and splashes in some tap water to mix them together. Then he adds the gin and places it in front of the man. The man finishes the yellow-brown cloudy mess and the Bartender snarks, "did you still enjoy your drink?" And the man in the red hat says, "well it had gin in it, didn't it?"

Now the Bartender is pissed. He takes some water from the sink of dirty plates, he squirts in some dish soap too for good measure. He blends it together with some banana peels and chicken bones he found in the garbage, and puts the goo into a glass. Then he looks out the front of the bar and spots a shit sitting on the grass right outside the door. He walks out and scoops a tablespoonful of the shit. The Bartender then places the glass of goo in front of the man, looks him dead in the eye as he dumps the turd in, and carefully adds drops of gin.

The man looks in horror at the dark sludge. He picks the glass and drinks it with a visual grimace, then swallows.

The Bartender explodes, "I can't believe this, how did you train yourself swallow literal shit just because it has a little bit of something you like?"

"Well you see," the man says as he places down the glass, "I'm a pro life Republican"

3 men get sent heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.
St. Peter tells them they can have the golfing and fun they want but when golfing NEVER a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then the ducks start quacking and everyone is pissed off.” One of the guys asked, “well, what if we a duck?” St. Peter replied, “if you a duck you will handcuffed a horrible looking woman for eternity.” So, the guys agreed and immediately they go golfing.

For the first week they are careful not a duck but the 8th day one of the guy sliced and a duck. the ducks start quacking and St. Peter rushes over and asks who did it and the guy that the duck admits it. St. Peter gets a horrendous looking women over with a handcuff her. She has snot over she is 500lbs and is dirty. The other guys feel bad for him and he is handcuffed her and they walk away with him in tears.

The other guys stop golfing for a month before they decide to be very careful. Immediately on the first stroke on of them hits a duck. Saint Peter comes running over and asked who did it. He admits it was him and he gets handcuffed to this awful lady. She is easily 800 pounds and in a wheel chair and smells like human shit. He walks away with the her also in tears.

The last guy is now terrified of going golfing. He doesn’t go for 2 years but then decides to go and be SUPER careful. One day St. Peter walks over to him with an absolute amazing looking woman. She has amazing eyes, hair, boobs and everything else. St. Peter handcuffs them together and the last guy yells, “What did i do to deserve this?!” The woman says, “I hit a duck.”

Dirty Penguin
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.
He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you can get dressed and leave."
"Wow, she says, that sounds great, but I'll have to ask my husband if it's okay with him first."
*Woman calls her husband, explains the proposition and asks him what he thinks*
Husband says, "Yeah baby, we could really use the money. Just pick it up real quick, get dressed, and get out of there."
So the lady goes back to the old man, says she'll do it, then follows him home, strips completely naked, and starts picking up the $1,000 off the floor.
*An hour later, her husband calls her cellphone and asks what's taking so long.*
The lady, huffing and puffing, says, "That dirty old man paid me in quarters, dimes, and nickels!"


A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter
After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a long time, If one of you men can satisfy me, I’ll make you all dinner and breakfast, and you can sleep under my roof tonight.” They debate who’ll do it, when one man steps up. She walks him inside as the rest of the men sit against the cot, to wait. She undressed and turns off the light when the man sees a corn on the cob, a couple of them, in the corner of her little bedroom. He thinks to himself and realizes that she won’t notice the difference, so he uses that to fuck her, she was dirty and old anyway. She loves it and when she turns the lights back on he chucks it out of the window. She says if he’ll do it again, she’ll feed them for a week! So, he repeats his steps, using the corn on the cob, then ditching it. He then goes outside to see his friends leaning against the building. He starts to tell them the good news when he notices they’re all passing around and eating two corn on the cobs.
“Ay! Thanks for the corn!! Delicious! You want a bite?”

Last night my wife and I were talking dirty
I said “ooh baby, I wanna see your asshole.”

She handed me a mirror.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question ask , you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
things say you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And , you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

The Chicken and the (Dirty, Long)
On a farm lived a chicken and a , good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and pull me out!" The chicken, following the 's directions, successfully saves the from drowning in the swamp.

Days later, on another walk, they once again happen upon the swamp, and this time, the chicken gets stuck. "Quick!" she cries, "get me out, same as I did you!"

"Fortunately," the answered, "I don't need the rope, or the car." He then proceeded to pull the chicken out by extending his penis out for her to grab onto, thus saving her from sinking in the swamp.

The moral of the story is, when you're hung like a , you don't need a beamer to pick up chicks


A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!

Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole
After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's always us who do the dirty work!"

"Yeah, life's not fair," said the first one.

"Bloody right! And I've bloody had it with this English man! Thinks he's better than us, I'll go right him and give him a piece of my mind! You'll see, it'll be us who'll sit in that office, and he'll be down here digging graves!"

And so, he climbed out of the hole they dug and hastily stomped off, while the other stayed back in the hole digging.

The Irish man forcefully flung open the office doors and barged right in, and with a raised voice he proclaimed, "You bloody English man! you do is sit in this nice office, sipping your tea, never lift a finger, and leave the dirty work us!"

The English man got from his chair, walked over the window and looked out. In a calm manner he asked, "Yes, you are right. And do you know why that is?"

The Irish man shook his head.

"The reason why that is, is because I'm clever and you're stupid."

"Stupid?!" the Irish man exclaimed, "How am I the stupid one?"

The English man turned around, facing the Irish man, put up his hand and held it in front of the wall. He said, "Punch the palm of my hand."

"Excuse me? You want me do what?"

"Go right ahead," the English man said, "Punch the palm of my hand. As hard as you can. I'll prove you why I'm clever and you're stupid."

So the Irish man, with a smirk his face, pulled his dirty sleeves, aimed for the hand, and with the strength he could muster, strook.

But right before the Irish man made contact, the English man quickly pulled his hand away, making the Irish man punch the wall behind.

"See?" the English man said, "I'm clever and you're stupid. Now go back work."

With a hurting hand, and ashamed, the Irish man walked out and went back his friend. When he arrived back at the hole, the other Irish man asked, "How did it go?"

"The English man said that he's clever and I'm stupid."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

The Irish man sighed, "Look, I'll show you," as he held his hand in front of his face.

A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure put vaseline the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off his new best friend.

After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees.

Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful . When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.'

Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word.

After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word.

When she's done, the man lights a cigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts , grabs the vaseline and bolts the front door, only find it locked.

He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild arm gestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: ' right right, I'll do the dishes!'
Posted:Oct 12, 2020 2:22 am
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2020 5:08 am

Especially dedicated my friend "author 51" who I know enjoys a good chuckle lol
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment so | gladly
handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs
does that chicken have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking
around how many hairs are that white cat?"

: “I don't know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black
cock and not enough about white pussy?”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.
One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, she was wearing a basketball jersey. Would a girly girl basketball?"

"No," says the drunk. "The jersey was all dirty," adds the bartender. "Would a girly girl wear such dirty clothes?"

"No," says the drunk. "She also had hairy armpits," says the bartender. "Would a girly girl shave her armpits?"

"Yes," says the drunk. "She also asked for a beer," says the bartender, "which is, in fact, what you would like buy her. Would a girly girl drink beer?"

"No," says the drunk. "See what I mean?" says the bartender. "This woman is a tomboyus maximus. And would a tomboy do ballet?"

"No," says the drunk. "So do you still think she's a ballerina?" asks the bartender.

"Yes," replies the drunk. "What makes you think that?" asks the bartender.

And the drunk answers, "Who else could lift her leg that high?"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies...

Johnny and Mommy’s Balloons (Dirty)
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them and she'll float heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down ! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, " God, I'm coming!"

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realised one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order fit in, they had upgrade their dirty vocabulary.
The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted eat.

The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."

The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy the back of the head. She turned the older brother and asked what he wanted eat.

He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."

Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars.”

She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"

Johnny says " right.”

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and he’s got the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says "You don't have to do that... I can take of it.”

Johnny says "Not for five bucks you can't!"

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know.
Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.

One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.

Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:

E: “What is that?! I need one!”

G: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”

So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks the working the counter at the pharmacy and says:

E: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”

P: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old ... you know?”

E: [taken aback by this] “Excuse ?! I’ve been doing this since I was a !”

Realising the guy working there had no room speak, he asks what size she’ll need.

E: “ I need ones that will fit a Camel.”

Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.
In order see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting make the following wish...
"I wish be able piss out whiskey for the rest of my life."

"Your wish has been granted" and the genie vanished.

The man decides test it out see if it really came true. Unzips his pants, and starts taking a piss. Low and behold, whiskey!!!

Unable contain his excitement, he rushes home and goes straight his wife. "Honey, you'll never guess what happened." and continues tell his wife about his encounter. With his wife being obviously sceptical, he decides prove it. "Hand those 2 glasses" asks the man. He proceeds unzip his pants and piss into the 2 glasses. His wife could barely contain her excitement as they sip on the greatest whiskey they ever had.

The next night, the wife brings 2 glasses, the man unzips again, and again the couple indulge in a glass of fine whiskey.

On the next night, the man asks his wife if she'd like a glass of whiskey.

"Of course" says the wife.

The man gets up and heads over to the kitchen, but comes back to his wife with only one glass. He unzips his pants, pisses in the glass and starts sipping. Confused, the wife asks where her glass is. The man then says "honey, tonight, you drink from the bottle."

An old.. dirty whaling joke.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes, they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them :

"Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon.
A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.
A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.

He picked the lamp up and started rubbing the dirt and sand off the lamp to clean it when all of a sudden a Genie pops out of it in a big puff of smoke.

"I am the Genie of the lamp", says the Genie to the man "And I grant you 3 wishes with the provision that what ever you wish for your wife will get double the amount that you do".

The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my first wish I would like 10 million pounds".

The Genie says, "No problem, I\ve just deposited 10 million pound into your personal bank account - but remember what I said about your wife getting double the amount that you do? she now has 20 million pounds in her personal bank account!".

The man thinks about what he would like for his second wish for a moment and says, "For my second wish I would like a great big mansion in Surrey".

The Genie says, "No problem, I've just built you a great big mansion in Surrey - but remember what I said about your wife getting double the amount that you do? she now has 2 great big mansions in Surrey!".

The Genie then asks the man what he would like for his third and final wish.

The man asks, "I dont suppose you could give me a mild heart attack now could you?".
Posted:Oct 11, 2020 4:10 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2020 7:00 am

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted throw a party and invited of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....
...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink pints of Guinness..."
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went a hike
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel the map was nowhere be seen.

They knocked the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock the door. They opened it find the pig and the cow standing there.
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs
but she's good with the .


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched the blonde in the dark and she slapped by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”


drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear
"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpressed, the second hobo took off his briefs, now a shit stained rag that might have been called white decades ago, and threw it at the wall.

It stuck on for a full minute! When it fell, rats immediately came and devoured it.

The third hobo then nonchalantly took off his thongs which are pure black, then threw it at the wall.

It stayed for less than a second.

The other hobos laughed at him, that is, until the black thong quivered and slowly inched back the wall like a caterpillar.

My take a shaggy story
A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here you go,” says the barman, “have a with him yourself. He’s still for sale - five quid.”

“Hello.” Says the cat.
“Wow, you really can talk!” The man says.
“ yes, buy a pint and packet of pork scratchings and I’ll tell you about it.” So the man buys the cat a pint and some scratchies.
“It began,” the cat begins after taking a long drink, “back in the 1860s. India, don’t you know. I was The viceroy’s pet. Went everywhere with him, watched the birth of a great nation. Marvellous really. One day I met this ancient yogi who taught me the secrets of the universe - infinite bliss, how communicate in any language, immortality, the lot. I studied under him for weeks and weeks. Well, after that I couldn’t stay confined the Raj for much longer and took off on an extended quest; travelled through Asia and ended in Novograd, Russia. Beastly cold place - don’t go, take it from . There was this tall beardy chap, Radputin or something his name was. Anyway, I convinced him it would be a grand idea get in with the tsarina, gullible little thing but quite rich and I’d picked a liking for caviar and bolly by then. Then I got bored again and wandered off halfway through one of their many parties.”

The cat has another deep drink and looks meaningfully at his nearly empty glass.

“Another one?” The man says.
“Splendid! So, I left the tsars and that wild eyed Georgian fellow get with whatever they were doing and made my way along the Danube Central Europe. Ended in this coffee shop in Vienna, inhabited by the strangest types. One of them, painter he said he was but they were dreadful really, took kindly to . I tried encourage him by shredding his papers and shitting in his shoes but he just got angrier and angrier. One day I brought him back a half dead mouse as a treat and he just flipped, started going on about “untermensch” and “filthy mausen” infesting the land. Quite put the willies , so I fucked off again. Luckily Avi Lieberwitz came by just at that moment check how Ad was doing. I heard them playing about the way down the road.

I don’t remember much of the next few years- got in with a bad crowd. I started hanging out on this airforce base and some of the yanks there sort of adopted me as a mascot. It was alright I suppose. One night I was out for a stroll when I came upon this great big wall, all grey and new. I hopped up on it have a look and you wouldn’t believe what I saw the other side. This whole family was there, hiding in the shadows. The man had a ladder and he placed it against the wall and held it steady while his wife climbed . Now I now about ladders - you’re supposed weave in and out of the bottom rungs, making a yowling noise while it shakes and quivers. I’ve just started my routine when the man goes to kick - I mean the nerve of him! So I hissed and spit and clawed his shins until he let go of the ladder and it fell with a crash. Then there were these bright lights and shouting voices so I ran away before the banging started.”

The man is sitting there gobsmacked at this point.


“ right.” The man gestures for the barman who pours another pint for the cat.

“Go , what happened next?”
“Really old boy? Ok. So there was this greasy fellow the airforce base, Elvis something or other. He took me in and when he eventually finished his service he took me back to Tennessee. Great place. Good music, good food, more ladies than you can shake your tail at. Anyway I developed this irritation in my anal glands which left me walking rather oddly. I’d sort of strut, shifting my weight about so as not to leak anywhere. He thought this was great fun, we spent ages together, him with his guitar, me prowling, stiff legged across the floor in time to the beat.”

The cat stopped again.

“I’ve got to go for a slash. Watch my stuff, yeah?”

“Sure, of course!” After the cat has left he calls the barman over again. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What a life story! And all from a real TALKING cat!”

“Mm. yeah, whatever.” The barman mutters gloomily.

“What are you talking about! This is incredible! Why does no one else know about this?” The man stops and pauses briefly, thinking hard.
“And why are you selling him so cheaply?”

The barman gives a weary sigh and plonks the glass he is polishing down on the bar. He looks over at the man.

“You wanna know why I want rid of him?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Because it’s all bullshit, he never did any of that stuff and the little prick never buys his round.”


Why is Djokovic's house so filthy?
No vac

The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)
A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, and getting more frustrated by the hour. On the last night in port, the Captain of the ship told the Marine he could go into town on leave, but to be back in 3 hours so the ship could leave.

The young Marine took off at a sprint to the closest brothel to the pier. Once inside he asked the Madam for a girl for an hour. "No girl for you," she replied. "Too many Marines, girls too sore."

So he took off for the next closest brothel, only to be told the same thing from the Madam. As he ran brothel to brothel, he kept getting shut down, and the further from the port he went, the brothels kept getting worse and worse. Finally, he approached the last brothel he could find. It was a real dive.

Once inside, the Madam shut him down. "Please lady, I'll be quick. I'll even take a tumble with you, or anyone. Help me out here! I'm desperate!"

The Madam looks him and down, relents, and takes his cash. She tells him visit Suzy in room 4 at the end of the hall. He finds the room and enters find Suzy laying a filthy mattress in the dark. He disrobes and starts go town her.

After a few moments of thrusting he asks her, " Do you have any lube? You are very dry." Suzy grabs a bottle from the floor, and gives it a squirt. Thinking this would work, the Marine dives back in. After another moment of effort, the Marine asks her again "can't you do something about the dryness? You feel very rough..."

Suzy gets , steps into the bathroom, and comes out a minute later. The Marine energetically continues until he is spent. "That was the best sex of my life!" Said the Marine. "Whatever you did in the bathroom really did the trick!"

"," said Suzy, "I just picked off the scabs and let the pus flow"

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.
Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint and the crew of the Obsidian Pearl successfully kill every last member of the Filthy Five Hundred. However, only Captain Flint survives... His entire crew, wiped out from Canon fire and brutal melee battle. His ship... A sunken wreck.

With his last few coins, The Captain charters a local fishing boat take him (and 500 heads) back the Bahamas and collect his reward.

During the voyage back, they run into a storm of the likes never been seen before by the Captain.

Deep in the torrential seas, a bolt of lightning explodes into the hull. Quickly the Captain gathers his haul of heads into a large fishing net and ties the end. The captain holds onto them for dear life as another lightning bolt strikes the boat.

The captain wakes , floating top of his giant haul of heads, bobbing and down the now calm ocean.

Having lost everything he owns, The Captain knows that if he doesn't bring these heads back he might as well die out here. He starts paddle, using the massive head sack as a float.

Kicking his legs, he goes west, heading away from the sunrise.

Four days he paddles, pushing the giant haul towards the coast line. Just as he feels about ready to drop dead, he floats into the harbour of his home town.

Dripping wet and plagued with fatigue, The Captain drags the 500 heads straight to the Governor, eager to collect the bounty.

The Governor is very pleased! He immediately hands over One Pirate Captain Flint.

Confused, the Captain says, "Aye... and the $1000?"

The Governor looks at him confused, then says, "one Buccaneer."

A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19
The manager calls a meeting of his employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says the Scottsman, "Make new -go flyers! our new dishes need be there!"

The manager then says the Japanese man, "You're in charge of supplies!"

He leaves in a panic check his family and comes back the restaurant. When he goes into the kitchen, he sees that everything is absolutely filthy and *nothing* has been cleaned. He asks the Italian, "What happened? Why didn't you clean the kitchen?!"

He replies "I no ave mop! I no ave rags! I no ave soap! You saida to the Japanese guy dat e wasa ina charge of sooplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda 'im nowhere."

Frustrated, the manager leaves to check the new -go menus, and he sees the Scotsman just sitting there, reading the old menus. "...and you! I thought I told you to create to-go menus!"

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, but ah couldnae git masel' ony paper o' pens! Ye left tha' wee Jap mannie in charge o' supplies, but ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The manager blows his top and storms off into the back of the restaurant to find the Japanese man. He looks in the alleyway, in the bathroom, and as he is walking towards the closet, the door suddenly bursts open! Out jumps the Japanese man and he yells...


Two nuns are sitting on a park bench
Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.

The Difference Between Poetry and Prose
An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the lamb went with her’.”

“Can anybody else provide me an example of an example of either poetry or prose?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and began, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose into her skirt and sniffed her filthy...” He paused. “Would you prefer poetry or prose?”

“PROSE, Most definitely!” Exclaimed the teacher.



How can you be filthy rich and piss-poor at same time?


When I was , I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off a market and comes back with this filthy ass .

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside , liked horses and riding them.

Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking then we will beat the living shit out of you".

They meant it, they'd done it before.

Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found.

Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me.

Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the .

Get bored and climb inside the tire.

Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat).

Can't stop.

Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me.

They see me rollin'

They hatin'


Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.

Dirty Limerick Competition
Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the name & of the address of the winner. Miss Mary Smith of Rose Cottage

He immediately went round and was astonished when a little grey haired old lady answered. He explained who he was and asked Mary to speak her Limerick. She said ", I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."

"Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" He said

The old lady thought it over and eventually said "I can't see that it would hurt me do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"

"Yes of course I'm ready" he said still not believing that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by a little old lady.

"Right then, here goes" she said.........

"Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy, Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Dah diddy dah you fu#k1n9 c\*#t."

Have a laugh........its good for the soul
Posted:Oct 10, 2020 4:19 am
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2020 11:54 am

Two fleas on a fanny. One is a junkie. One is a mugger. How do you tell them apart?
The junkie is sniffing the crack and the mugger is hiding in the bush

Wife: I wish I had bigger tits
Husband: Try rubbing paper between them
Wife: Do you think that works?
Husband: Well it did for your arse

My boss said to me, "why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"
I said "its because I'm allergic to fucking peanuts!"


Went to the doctors yesterday suffering from premature ejaculation
Doctor said "This must be stressful for your wife?"
I said, "to be honest, its getting on her tits,"


The phone rings, woman answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair."
Woman replies , "yes I do, he's watching golf, who shall I say is calling?.


A man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice.
The woman suddenly grows enraged storms into her supervisors office and declares loudly that she's quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on says the supervisor, "what's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget!"


Hey guys don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex
Can't wait to get out of prison.

Me to Doctor: I have hurt my penis in a surfing accident
Doctor: Did you fall off your board
Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the the wife walked in

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "only you" All the other kept me a wake all night!"
The doctor says that i should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month


A husband died. A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "woah there woman. The contract was until death."


There little old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds, when a man comes by and flashes them all.
The first two little old ladies both have a stroke, but the third couldn't quite reach.
Posted:Oct 1, 2020 6:51 am
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2020 11:55 pm

Did you know............Eating pussy gives you protein

Did you know............Kissing for one minute burns 26 calories

Did you know............Cuddling before bed relaxes the brain, reducing the process of overthinking making it easier fall asleep

Did you know...............Sex makes you pretty

Did you know............Missing someone can cause insomnia. The frustration of being without that person keeps you awake at night

Did you know............Frequent sex strengthens the immune system.

Did you know............Semen can keep your smile looking gorgeous. It contains zinc and calcium that fight tooth decay…..

Did you know............The average speed of a guys ejaculation is 45km/h

Did you know............To increase the size of their penis, the men of some Africanntribes, just prior to intercourse, would have bees sting their penis….Now you know my secret 🤣🤣🤣

Did you know............The record for the most female orgasms is 134 in one hour

Did you know............Tongue length is related to sexual curiosity and desire. The longer your tongue, the stronger your appetite for sex ……….That's why they call me Wolfie 👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅🤣🤣🤣

Did you know............When women sneeze their vaginas close up……..

Did you know............Lack of sleep can result in increased desire for sex

Pussy Eating 101
Posted:Sep 14, 2020 2:52 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2020 2:40 am

Let start by thanking Xxentric_1 for giving the inspiration share this blog.
I want begin by stating that there is no magical list of pussy eating tricks that will make you the most desired man by women the planet, but hopefully if you make good use of the tips follow, you and your partner will be extremely happy with the results.

So let’s begin

1. Know Why You Want Give Her Pleasure
It is crucial that you understand there’s only one central motivation that will make you great at oral sex. Before other things, you have find pleasure in giving her pleasure.

Fact: If the physical act of giving head is not working as a massive turn for you, then you’re not doing it right.

If you’re just doing it take pride in the fact that you can give her awesome orgasms, or if you do it thinking about what you’re gonna get in return, it’s just not going work. It’s not about an exchange, and it’s not about “locking down” a partner thanks your mind-blowing skills for pussy eating. It’s doing it simply because you take physical and mental pleasure in losing yourself into the experience, and taking part in the amazing sensations that you’re producing in her body.

2. Make Sure She’s in for It.
Women love when a man knows how to lick their pussy the right way, just as much as men love get a good blowjob. There’s one difference, though: women may not want receive oral sex every single occasion (while most men will welcome the idea almost any time). The reason for this is not that women want sex less, but simply that they have a more complex relationship it, both for physical and cultural reasons that I won’t go into detail about now, but you have to understand what’s the relation of your partner to her body in general, and her pussy in particular, so you can know how comfortable she feels about oral sex.
3. Attention Her Whole Body
While sometimes fast & furious is the way go for certain parts of sex, a good session of eating pussy should always start out like a delicate and progressive endeavour. In other words, don’t go for the kill right away. Seduce her whole body first, with feather-like caresses both from your hands and your lips. Show her how passionate you feel about the look, the odour and the taste of every inch of her skin. The finding pleasure in the whole experience it starts right here. The more authentically devoted her pleasure you seem, the sexier she’ll feel, the hotter she’s gonna get, and the more intense her orgasmic response will be (when you get that point, of course, but let’s not get ahead of it!).

4. Build Anticipation

Only when you can see she’s really turned on, start hint that you wanna go down her. The more time you take get her pussy, once you start teasing with the idea of kissing her inner thighs, the more aware she’ll be of the sensations that will start building around her yoni (yoni means “sacred gateway” in the old Sanskrit language, used convey the sense of wonder and devotion that I believe every man should have when it comes treating a woman’s body).
Combine the touch of your fingers and your mouth to go around the little patches of skin that almost touch the side of her outer lips, and very slowly start to caress her yoni directly. Gentle kisses, and very gentle strokes with your fingers, combined with an occasional moan or heavy breathing can bring her to the heightened state of excitement that you’re gonna need from this point on.

5. Use Your Tongue for More than Licking Pussy!

Moans are a great way to let your partner know how turned on you’re in your journey down to her legs, but you can’t rely solely on them to keep communication open at times. Compliment her about her body. Sometimes introduce dirty talking, and listen her cues and sense what are the right words let her know just how awesome you’re feeling at each moment.
Fact: don’t say anything you don’t really feel, and don’t force yourself use a certain lingo or throw a line you heard in a movie. Be true your style and what you’re feeling, and that will be more than enough.

6. Treat her clit with respect

We know that clits are the most sensitive part of a woman’s body, and while they are capable of receiving a lot of pleasure, they also have be handled carefully. What you want try is building the stimulation, from a very subtle caress a steady rhythm of stroking, don’t overcharge her clit with too many sensations from the start. Only after you’ve spent a good time with broad and light licking, you can slowly shift your attention towards the head of the clitoris, and ever so slowly increase the speed of your motion.
From experience I have learned that some women prefer to stay at an indirect stimulation of the clit, with your tongue moving only on top of her hood, while other women appreciate that you slowly move towards uncovering the head of the clit, and applying direct pressure there with your tongue.

7. Find Your Move, Find Your Rhythm

Don’t have to limit yourself to the circular motion you might start with. A combination of sucking, light nibbling and side to side strokes are a great way to identify what kind of stimulation works best for what her clit needs right at that moment.
Fact: never decide to use the same movements or techniques the time, simply because it has worked for you in the past with an ex, or even with your current partner!

Fact: The experience of each different woman is unique, but the experience of the same woman is also unique in itself each new time she shares a moment of mindful sex with you.

This means you really want make sure you extra attention her response at every slight variation you make with your tongue. Spend a little time at each different kind of motion, so you have time to notice if it’s bringing her the intense kind of pleasure you’re aiming or if it’s a good idea keep searching what’s the best way eat your partner’s pussy and once you’ve found the combination of a sweet spot and the right angle of your mouth, make sure you stick it. There’s no need keep switching between different moments once you’ve spotted the spot that’s making her body arch a little and her hips come closer your mouth. If you feel you’re at the right place and position, and stay there until the fireworks arrive.
Be patient and consistent with your tongue. It may be tiring the first times you dive really deep into a good session of pussy eating, but I can guarantee you the skills you’ll get in return for the sore muscles are totally gonna be worth it.

8. Listen to Her Reactions

Another way of treating her clit (and actually her whole body) the right way, is to a lot of attention the way she reacts at every point down the road.
Always keep in mind that you wanna be subtle, so instead of saying something like “I want eat your pussy. That OK?”, you can go for something more like inhaling deeply when you’re near her thighs, and then saying out loud: “I can’t believe how good you smell. I wanna get you in my mouth so bad”. If she trembles a little, gasps, or seems excited about the idea in any other way, you know you can go .

9. Don’t Forget You Have Hands, Too!

As you move further and further into higher states of pleasure for her, the intensity of your tongue strokes is going to increase, and it’s most likely that you’ll be focused so much on that movement, that your hands are going to be resting at a fixed position.
But you can step your game and use your hands create even more waves of bliss and sensations for her. You can go for feather-like caresses over her body, you can with her inner and outer lips, and you can even try some inner stimulation by sliding one or more of your fingers inside her vagina.
Be really mindful about this, and ask either with words or with your body language whether it’s ok for her that you use one finger inside her (always start with one finger, and then insert a second one once it’s clear that she’s enjoying and that she’s wet enough).

10.What’s the Best Way Eat Pussy? Forget Everything I’ve just shared with you

While of the tips I’ve shared with you can help you share a mind blowing experience with your partner, the fact is you have work your own way the perfect oral sex roadmap for you and your partner.
Take into account that it won’t be a fixed route, but rather a collection of little insights and points of complicity that will help you create an exciting and brand-new experience each time.
You can take the ideas I have shared as a starting point, rather than making them your personal Oral Bible.

1 comment
Which Do You Like
Posted:Sep 13, 2020 3:50 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2020 7:22 am

I guess this is one for the ladies which approach would you like but guys you can choose the one that you feel would be the best use.
I want to feel you from the inside
Why don't we just have sex and break this obvious sexual tension
Sleeping alone is a terrible waste of my sexual talent
I just want to forget about everything that's going on for a while and just have sex with YOU!!!
Take off all your clothes I need to talk to you
On a scale of 1 to 10 you are 9 and I'm the 1 you need
Your body makes you sexy, your smile makes you pretty, your personality makes you beautiful
I don't know what to talk about , but I want to talk to you
I'm not flirting, I'm just being extra friendly with someone who is extra attractive
My mind cannot leave you're body alone
1 comment
Posted:Sep 8, 2020 2:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2020 8:42 pm

1. Orgasm can lower a woman's risk of heart disease, stroke breast cancer and depression

2. If you don't laugh during sex at least once, you're having sex with the wrong person

3. Gentlemen......If you cum and she didn't, you didn't fuck her, she fucked you.

4. He's a keeper when he takes you fro "fuck you" to "OH FUCK"

5. Oral sex is not a task....its an art.....

6. Sex is a workout. If you're not sweating and sore, then you didn't do it right

7. The secret to happiness is a good sense of humour and a dirty mind.

8. You'll never get to bring your kinky fantasies to life if you're not willing to talk about them

9. There are two things in life that as soon as you finish you can't wait to do it again............... Sleep & Sex

10. A real woman can do it all by herself.................but areal man won't let her
Posted:Sep 8, 2020 1:57 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2021 2:15 am

Having sex is like vacuuming. Hopefully it's loud, involves lots of sucking and its best if you do it often in every room of the house
Posted:Sep 8, 2020 1:49 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2021 2:15 am

You can't say HAPPINESS without saying PENIS. Now there's a thought

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