Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now


luuuvestolick 58M
34 posts
10/16/2020 3:37 am

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and<b> lick </font></b>the sweat from between your tits" he says....
...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and<b> lick </font></b>it off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants put his head between my tits and<b> lick </font></b>the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and<b> lick </font></b>it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it " she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns his armchair, and switches the telly back .

"Aren't you going do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink pints of Guinness..."
Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...
It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, the doors to Moe’s Saloon slam open. A scrawny, ragged, dirty little fellow starts screeching ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. Everybody rushes to leave, it was every man for himself. Old Moe just locked away the good silverware and was about to leave when the doors slam open again. A huge, dark and stern cowboy starts for the bar. Every footstep was heavier than the last. Poor Moe froze behind the counter. The cowboy unzips his pants and slams against the counter this huge monster of a penis. Pointing at it, he tells Moe ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast.’ Poor Moe does as he’s told without a beat. The cowboy leaves.

Next day, same story. People having a blast, piano playing, whiskey flowing. The same haggard little man bursts in: ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. Panic ensues, everyone leaves in a frenzied manner, except for poor old Moe, who, like a ship’s captain, was the one to stay behind. The same dark stern cowboy enters, advances to the counter, slams the hugest, ugliest phallus you’d ever seen, points at it and tells poor Moe ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast.’ The old timer complies without a word.

Third day, yet again the same story. Wonderful time at Moe’s Saloon when a tiny little scamp enters and yells ‘Good folks, run for your lives! Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’. In a jiffy the place is emptied, old Moe rushes for the exit when he bumps into the dark stern cowboy entering. He points to the counter. Old Moe obeys the order. The cowboy advances, unzips his pants and slams his horrible shlong on the counter: ‘Barkeep. Suck. On. It. Fast’. Moe considers for a moment, and, mustering all his might, whispers: ‘Alright now, feller. Alright. I done sucked that thing two days ago. Didn’t even wince. I done sucked that thing yesterday, not a word said. Hell, I’ll suck on it today, I give you my word. But - for the love of God - would you kindly tell me why you want it fast? I’m an old man and can barely pee fast’

‘Haven’t. You. Heard? Terrible Jack’s on his way here!’

A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it
The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man finishes the drink, the Bartender asks "how did you like it?" and the man in the red hat dismissively says, "I liked the gin."

The Bartender is miffed that that was the only thing the man had to comment on, so he makes a new drink. He drops a spoon of peanut butter into a glass, adds black pepper, squeezes a portion of mustard, and splashes in some tap water to mix them together. Then he adds the gin and places it in front of the man. The man finishes the yellow-brown cloudy mess and the Bartender snarks, "did you still enjoy your drink?" And the man in the red hat says, "well it had gin in it, didn't it?"

Now the Bartender is pissed. He takes some water from the sink of dirty plates, he squirts in some dish soap too for good measure. He blends it together with some banana peels and chicken bones he found in the garbage, and puts the goo into a glass. Then he looks out the front of the bar and spots a shit sitting on the grass right outside the door. He walks out and scoops a tablespoonful of the shit. The Bartender then places the glass of goo in front of the man, looks him dead in the eye as he dumps the turd in, and carefully adds drops of gin.

The man looks in horror at the dark sludge. He picks the glass and drinks it with a visual grimace, then swallows.

The Bartender explodes, "I can't believe this, how did you train yourself swallow literal shit just because it has a little bit of something you like?"

"Well you see," the man says as he places down the glass, "I'm a pro life Republican"

3 men get sent heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.
St. Peter tells them they can have the golfing and fun they want but when golfing NEVER a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then the ducks start quacking and everyone is pissed off.” One of the guys asked, “well, what if we a duck?” St. Peter replied, “if you a duck you will handcuffed a horrible looking woman for eternity.” So, the guys agreed and immediately they go golfing.

For the first week they are careful not a duck but the 8th day one of the guy sliced and a duck. the ducks start quacking and St. Peter rushes over and asks who did it and the guy that the duck admits it. St. Peter gets a horrendous looking women over with a handcuff her. She has snot over she is 500lbs and is dirty. The other guys feel bad for him and he is handcuffed her and they walk away with him in tears.

The other guys stop golfing for a month before they decide to be very careful. Immediately on the first stroke on of them hits a duck. Saint Peter comes running over and asked who did it. He admits it was him and he gets handcuffed to this awful lady. She is easily 800 pounds and in a wheel chair and smells like human shit. He walks away with the her also in tears.

The last guy is now terrified of going golfing. He doesn’t go for 2 years but then decides to go and be SUPER careful. One day St. Peter walks over to him with an absolute amazing looking woman. She has amazing eyes, hair, boobs and everything else. St. Peter handcuffs them together and the last guy yells, “What did i do to deserve this?!” The woman says, “I hit a duck.”

Dirty Penguin
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.
He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you can get dressed and leave."
"Wow, she says, that sounds great, but I'll have to ask my husband if it's okay with him first."
*Woman calls her husband, explains the proposition and asks him what he thinks*
Husband says, "Yeah baby, we could really use the money. Just pick it up real quick, get dressed, and get out of there."
So the lady goes back to the old man, says she'll do it, then follows him home, strips completely naked, and starts picking up the $1,000 off the floor.
*An hour later, her husband calls her cellphone and asks what's taking so long.*
The lady, huffing and puffing, says, "That dirty old man paid me in quarters, dimes, and nickels!"


A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter
After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a long time, If one of you men can satisfy me, I’ll make you all dinner and breakfast, and you can sleep under my roof tonight.” They debate who’ll do it, when one man steps up. She walks him inside as the rest of the men sit against the cot, to wait. She undressed and turns off the light when the man sees a corn on the cob, a couple of them, in the corner of her little bedroom. He thinks to himself and realizes that she won’t notice the difference, so he uses that to fuck her, she was dirty and old anyway. She loves it and when she turns the lights back on he chucks it out of the window. She says if he’ll do it again, she’ll feed them for a week! So, he repeats his steps, using the corn on the cob, then ditching it. He then goes outside to see his friends leaning against the building. He starts to tell them the good news when he notices they’re all passing around and eating two corn on the cobs.
“Ay! Thanks for the corn!! Delicious! You want a bite?”

Last night my wife and I were talking dirty
I said “ooh baby, I wanna see your asshole.”

She handed me a mirror.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question ask , you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
things say you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And , you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

The Chicken and the (Dirty, Long)
On a farm lived a chicken and a , good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and pull me out!" The chicken, following the 's directions, successfully saves the from drowning in the swamp.

Days later, on another walk, they once again happen upon the swamp, and this time, the chicken gets stuck. "Quick!" she cries, "get me out, same as I did you!"

"Fortunately," the answered, "I don't need the rope, or the car." He then proceeded to pull the chicken out by extending his penis out for her to grab onto, thus saving her from sinking in the swamp.

The moral of the story is, when you're hung like a , you don't need a beamer to pick up chicks


A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!

Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole
After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's always us who do the dirty work!"

"Yeah, life's not fair," said the first one.

"Bloody right! And I've bloody had it with this English man! Thinks he's better than us, I'll go right him and give him a piece of my mind! You'll see, it'll be us who'll sit in that office, and he'll be down here digging graves!"

And so, he climbed out of the hole they dug and hastily stomped off, while the other stayed back in the hole digging.

The Irish man forcefully flung open the office doors and barged right in, and with a raised voice he proclaimed, "You bloody English man! you do is sit in this nice office, sipping your tea, never lift a finger, and leave the dirty work us!"

The English man got from his chair, walked over the window and looked out. In a calm manner he asked, "Yes, you are right. And do you know why that is?"

The Irish man shook his head.

"The reason why that is, is because I'm clever and you're stupid."

"Stupid?!" the Irish man exclaimed, "How am I the stupid one?"

The English man turned around, facing the Irish man, put up his hand and held it in front of the wall. He said, "Punch the palm of my hand."

"Excuse me? You want me do what?"

"Go right ahead," the English man said, "Punch the palm of my hand. As hard as you can. I'll prove you why I'm clever and you're stupid."

So the Irish man, with a smirk his face, pulled his dirty sleeves, aimed for the hand, and with the strength he could muster, strook.

But right before the Irish man made contact, the English man quickly pulled his hand away, making the Irish man punch the wall behind.

"See?" the English man said, "I'm clever and you're stupid. Now go back work."

With a hurting hand, and ashamed, the Irish man walked out and went back his friend. When he arrived back at the hole, the other Irish man asked, "How did it go?"

"The English man said that he's clever and I'm stupid."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

The Irish man sighed, "Look, I'll show you," as he held his hand in front of his face.

A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure put vaseline the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off his new best friend.

After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees.

Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful . When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.'

Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word.

After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word.

When she's done, the man lights a cigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts , grabs the vaseline and bolts the front door, only find it locked.

He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild arm gestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: ' right right, I'll do the dishes!'

luuuvestolick 58M

10/16/2020 3:40 am

Laughter is definitely the best medicine

author51 58F
108004 posts
10/16/2020 4:48 am

Like usual Hun, you had me laughing out loud from start to finish..Luv it baby.. TGIF Hun.xoxo

You can never have enough JOY in your life..


shadowtoo69 65M  
1003 posts
10/16/2020 5:50 am

Thanks for sharing.

Become a member to create a blog