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luuuvestolick 58M  
35 posts
10/12/2020 2:22 am

Especially dedicated my friend "author 51" who I know enjoys a good chuckle lol
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment so | gladly
handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs
does that chicken have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking
around how many hairs are that white cat?"

: “I don't know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black
cock and not enough about white pussy?”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.
One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, she was wearing a basketball jersey. Would a girly girl basketball?"

"No," says the drunk. "The jersey was all dirty," adds the bartender. "Would a girly girl wear such dirty clothes?"

"No," says the drunk. "She also had hairy armpits," says the bartender. "Would a girly girl<b> shave </font></b>her armpits?"

"Yes," says the drunk. "She also asked for a beer," says the bartender, "which is, in fact, what you would like buy her. Would a girly girl drink beer?"

"No," says the drunk. "See what I mean?" says the bartender. "This woman is a tomboyus maximus. And would a tomboy do ballet?"

"No," says the drunk. "So do you still think she's a ballerina?" asks the bartender.

"Yes," replies the drunk. "What makes you think that?" asks the bartender.

And the drunk answers, "Who else could lift her leg that high?"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies...

Johnny and Mommy’s Balloons (Dirty)
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them and she'll float heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down ! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, " God, I'm coming!"

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realised one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order fit in, they had upgrade their dirty vocabulary.
The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted eat.

The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."

The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy the back of the head. She turned the older brother and asked what he wanted eat.

He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."

Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars.”

She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"

Johnny says " right.”

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and he’s got the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says "You don't have to do that... I can take of it.”

Johnny says "Not for five bucks you can't!"

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know.
Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.

One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.

Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:

E: “What is that?! I need one!”

G: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”

So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks the working the counter at the pharmacy and says:

E: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”

P: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old ... you know?”

E: [taken aback by this] “Excuse ?! I’ve been doing this since I was a !”

Realising the guy working there had no room speak, he asks what size she’ll need.

E: “ I need ones that will fit a Camel.”

Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.
In order see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting make the following wish...
"I wish be able piss out whiskey for the rest of my life."

"Your wish has been granted" and the genie vanished.

The man decides test it out see if it really came true. Unzips his pants, and starts taking a piss. Low and behold, whiskey!!!

Unable contain his excitement, he rushes home and goes straight his wife. "Honey, you'll never guess what happened." and continues tell his wife about his encounter. With his wife being obviously sceptical, he decides prove it. "Hand those 2 glasses" asks the man. He proceeds unzip his pants and piss into the 2 glasses. His wife could barely contain her excitement as they sip on the greatest whiskey they ever had.

The next night, the wife brings 2 glasses, the man unzips again, and again the couple indulge in a glass of fine whiskey.

On the next night, the man asks his wife if she'd like a glass of whiskey.

"Of course" says the wife.

The man gets up and heads over to the kitchen, but comes back to his wife with only one glass. He unzips his pants, pisses in the glass and starts sipping. Confused, the wife asks where her glass is. The man then says "honey, tonight, you drink from the bottle."

An old.. dirty whaling joke.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes, they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them :

"Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon.
A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.
A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.

He picked the lamp up and started rubbing the dirt and sand off the lamp to clean it when all of a sudden a Genie pops out of it in a big puff of smoke.

"I am the Genie of the lamp", says the Genie to the man "And I grant you 3 wishes with the provision that what ever you wish for your wife will get double the amount that you do".

The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my first wish I would like 10 million pounds".

The Genie says, "No problem, I\ve just deposited 10 million pound into your personal bank account - but remember what I said about your wife getting double the amount that you do? she now has 20 million pounds in her personal bank account!".

The man thinks about what he would like for his second wish for a moment and says, "For my second wish I would like a great big mansion in Surrey".

The Genie says, "No problem, I've just built you a great big mansion in Surrey - but remember what I said about your wife getting double the amount that you do? she now has 2 great big mansions in Surrey!".

The Genie then asks the man what he would like for his third and final wish.

The man asks, "I dont suppose you could give me a mild heart attack now could you?".

luuuvestolick 58M  
86 posts
10/12/2020 2:23 am

chase the Monday morning blues away with a good laugh

author51 57F
104318 posts
10/12/2020 4:52 am

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god my sweet man..You make my day and I adore you...I am still slitting a gut and my stomach hurts..God these were too funny and so thank you for sharing them with me and all your readers.....xoxoxoxoxo

One can never have enough JOY in their life.


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